You're listening to episode 34 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Today we're talking about the best two steps to take when your child says no or I don't want to. Let's dive in.
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Now let's dive into these moments where our kids. Say no, or I don't wanna, and I can tell you I've been a parenting coach for 15 plus years. I have a seven and a nine year old. I have faced this moment, time [00:02:00] and time again. I still face these moments with my kids. Because of course, they're human. They have moments where they're feeling moody.
They have moments where they're feeling like they don't want to do the thing that I have on our agenda. You know, our kids lack a lot of power and control in their world with us. And of course, I love to give parents ideas of how we can balance that and be... in more win win situations where our kids have more autonomy and more sense of power and control while we also are being the loving leaders of our household and we are getting the things done that need to get done.
So, It makes sense that our kids get resistant, you know, there are just times where they're feeling a little lower, though, on that totem pole of having much power and or they might just be feeling a bit down or less energetic and they don't want to do something or they may just be a strong willed kid that loves to do the opposite [00:03:00] of what you have asked, even if it seems perfectly reasonable and they're in a perfectly well rested well fed kind of place.
So in all of these instances, I have a solution for you. This is a recipe that I love to give to parents because it's very useful. It is both kind and firm, and it gets the job done often of being able to move a child from resistance, emotion, or defiance. I call that red, resistant, emotional, or defiant into a place where they're more calm and cooperative.
Let's dive into it. So the two steps. Look different than what you might otherwise be doing. I would guess that you otherwise when a child says, no, I don't want to launch into all the explanations and lectures and advice about why they should do the thing lectures advice. and talk, talk, talking. Well, this is what we need to do.
And this is why we need to do it. And this is why it's important for you to do what I say when I say so. [00:04:00] And we might even get really labeling and say, you know, that's not very respectful to respond in that way. That's not nice to talk that way to mommy. And I want to encourage you to try a different road because that road of logic and reasoning is.
Not effective for two main ways, two main reasons. The 1st is, let's remember the brain we're talking to. We're talking to a 2 or 3 year old, especially, but all the way up until a 10 or 12 year old. We're working with a brain that is not going to be fully developed in that cognitive prefrontal cortex till their late 20s.
So we're leaning into logic to change behavior. We are trying to speak to a brain that is not fully there yet. Secondly, it doesn't often work to lean into logic because in a moment when a child is [00:05:00] resistant, their brain is in an emotional place. So if we lean into logic, we are, again, speaking even to the wrong part of the brain that's not activated in that moment.
So, if we want to be effective when our kids say no or I don't want to, I want you to try these two steps instead. First of all, is to lean into, whoa, like slow yourself down and then name what they're likely experiencing. This is totally counterintuitive. We want to launch in with our agenda. They say no, we say yes.
They say no, we say yes. Instead, I want you to hear that moment they said no, and try to get curious, not furious about that no. Step into their shoes, look out their eyeballs, [00:06:00] and name for them what you think that no is about. Here's what that could look like. Oh, hold on. I notice you're getting really frustrated with your sister.
Hold on. I see that you are not wanting to get dressed this morning. Hold on. I hear that. It's not your favorite thing that we're having broccoli and chicken for dinner. Hold on. I know it's hard to stop playing to move on to our nighttime routine. Hold on a sec. I'm noticing that you do not want to leave the park.
So the recipe is to pause the situation in some way, whatever words work for you, and [00:07:00] name it what they're experiencing. We connect to their know and, and give it more words with a tone that is truly empathetic. I notice That this is hard for you. I want you to pay attention that there's something that this can sound like that is incorrect.
When I teach this to parents and we role play, their tone can often first sound like, well, I notice you don't want to leave. Do you hear that? There's like this, but, or like, I know you don't want to leave. which feels kind of condescending.
So we need the tone to truly be like we're connecting and we're helping them organize their feelings. We're letting go of our yes and leaning into their no to help them feel heard. So when they say, no, I don't [00:08:00] want to go. Instead of saying, yes, you need to. And here's why I'm saying, Oh, I want to really hear what you mean by that.
So it's you're having a hard time right now. I see that. The essence of your tone. I want to be like, I see that that is a valid thing to be feeling because you're a human. It's okay to feel that. And then we can do step 2, which is to lead them into a solution by asking instead of telling. Lead into a solution by asking instead of telling.
So I notice it's really hard to be getting transitioning from this game to going upstairs for bed. We might pause. Listen, and then that shift of step two sounds [00:09:00] like, would we like to start with toothbrushing or going to the bathroom? We could give a choice, or we could say, what can we do to make this better?
If it's that they don't want to leave to go to school, or they don't want to get dressed, we can say, what's your plan for getting these toys picked up? Or we can say, where do the blocks go? I can't remember. Can you show me? So I'm using questions of what's your plan? How can we make this better? What do you want to do 1st of the things that need to get done?
Or what's your plan for where does this item go? These are all open ended. W questions. I'm not doing, can you, could you, [00:10:00] please will you, why? We're not doing that W. We're doing questions that are what, where, how, and that leads to solutions that the child often is really proud to come up with. So, when there's resistance, instead of lecturing in, With our yes, every time they say no, I want you to lean into their no, name it for them, listen to it with them, and then seek a solution together.
I have seen this be effective time and time again. I just had a family this week that I was talking to that has two young kids, the boys, they were getting into a lot of disagreements with each other, stealing toys from each other, they'll hear these like fighting and pulling things away from each other.
And they said this was really transformational to come into that moment. And instead of, hey, what are you doing? And name calling or like, not name calling, but like, essentially trying to figure out who was the good guy or the bad guy and [00:11:00] trying to be judge and jury there. They came in with this energy instead.
Whoa. Whoa. I noticed you guys are having a hard time. And then they led with a question, what can we do to make this better? Totally different responses than before. I had another family who was having their child be super resistant to wanting to go bike or to getting their helmet on to go biking. And instead of just pushing, like, you have to put this on, I have told you, this is what you have to do.
No, I don't want to. Yes, you have to know. Instead, they transition to. Okay, I notice you're really not wanting to put this on. What can we do to make this better? And he came up with a solution that was like, it was just that there was a little part that needed to be adjusted that was bothering him. They fixed it.
They moved forward. I had another parent who had a young toddler who was being really moody and angry and resisting what they were asking him to do [00:12:00] to get ready in the morning. And with this energy, they came in and said, Whoa. I notice you're having a hard time. And lo and behold, he goes, yeah, I have a splinter.
He had like a physical need that he had not expressed. But when the parents came in with that curiosity and just naming what they saw, it helped him pay attention to his own body. And they were able to obviously quickly solve that. And he was like a different kid for the rest of the day. They said he had been just so moody and resistant and boom, got the splinter out and life was better.
So friend, I offer you this template today as another way to be parenting with kindness and firmness at the same time So that parenting finally begins to feel sustainable. See you next week[00:13:00]