Feeling a bit overwhelmed by mom guilt? Whether it's the ticking clock or the discipline dilemmas, we've got you covered in this episode! 🤗 Let's dive into the three key ways to bid farewell to that guilt and make more room for joy in your parenting journey. 💖
BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL DISCOVER: ⭐ The importance of quality over quantity when spending time with your kids ⭐How to react when kids call you a "mean mom" ⭐How to eliminate the guilt for kids to develop their struggle muscle
✨Want more?
1) If you are in a space where you REALLY DESIRE SPACE FOR REJUVENATION, join me on the DAY OPTION, or OVERNIGHT option of the "Rooted and Reaching - Sustainable Parenting Glamping Women's Retreat."
Feeling a bit overwhelmed by mom guilt? Whether it's the ticking clock or the discipline dilemmas, we've got you covered in this episode! 🤗 Let's dive into the three key ways to bid farewell to that guilt and make more room for joy in your parenting journey. 💖
BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL DISCOVER: ⭐ The importance of quality over quantity when spending time with your kids ⭐How to react when kids call you a "mean mom" ⭐How to eliminate the guilt for kids to develop their struggle muscle
✨Want more?
1) If you are in a space where you REALLY DESIRE SPACE FOR REJUVENATION, join me on the DAY OPTION, or OVERNIGHT option of the "Rooted and Reaching - Sustainable Parenting Glamping Women's Retreat."
You're listening to episode 40 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast and we're talking about eliminating that mom guilt that can hang over us like a dark cloud. Friend, whether you are a full-time working mom or a stay-at-home, full-time mom or anywhere in between, I want today to speak to you as a way to help get rid of the guilt that you feel in any direction, whether that's from the amount of time you have with your kids, whether that's from the interaction you've had with your kids, whether that's over the sadness that your kids experience in times when you're disciplining them. We are going to talk about three key ways to really get rid of that mom guilt. Now let's dive in. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome.
Flora McCormick:
First of all, I want to highlight mom, who has really been challenging herself at leaning into, holding boundaries and being able to know in her heart of hearts that she is a loving mom, even when those boundaries are difficult for her child, as mom said. I just want to share with you that I gave my daughter two options of what was going to happen. She chose the sad option and that meant that she lost something. And later, when she asked if she could have that thing, I reminded her nope, because she had made a different choice and it would be gone the rest of the day. She said no, no, no, you didn't. No, I gave it to you and I reminded her I can see that you're upset and I know you'll make a different choice next time and she quit fighting and leaned in for a hug. Friend, I can tell you this particular mom-daughter duo that was not the habit just four months ago that regularly, whenever the mom would try to hold boundaries, the daughter would explode and yell and say you're the worst mom ever and you don't love me, and the mom would feel so guilty and then want to either appease her by giving in or offering some sort of a prize, or like extra sort of carrot, like well, let's go get a latte together or something. This is an older child and it was a pattern that was frustrating the mother so much, and she said it often was being fueled by guilt. And today, to see her be able to not be affected by guilt and instead leaning into kind and firm boundaries and reminding herself that she's a loving mom in that, and then her getting to experience that her daughter actually one let go of the power struggle and two leaned in for more connection, not less, is just phenomenal. And that's not the only example where I have seen that. Time and again I work with families where when the parents learn how to let go of their guilt and parent with confident, calm, kindness and firmness, it actually leads to more connection, not less. So, friend, I want to empower you today with the thought of how to have less guilt and actually more connection with your child.
Flora McCormick:
There are three keys to this puzzle. The first is knowing quality over quantity. The second is reorienting what we call crying and upset. The third is knowing the big, big picture. First thing I want you to know is quality over quantity.
Flora McCormick:
When I was a graduate student, getting my master's in counseling, specializing in working with youth and adolescents, I was so glad to read this study. That said, when they measured the difference in attachment between children with stay-at-home moms or working moms or part-time moms. The evidence was so crystal clear that it was all about quality, not quantity. Those parents whether they were stay-at-home parents or working parents that when they were with their kids were very distracted and stressed, tended to have evidence of challenges in their attachment and bond with their child. But those parents that were able to be very present, in whatever amount of time it was, had better results in the positive interactions with their children and attachment signs. So, fran, I invite you to think about quality over quantity.
Flora McCormick:
This means a number of different things. This does not mean you just need to always be present and calm and kind to your kids, but it does mean, if you're in a mental space of being stressed, do what you need for yourself, whether that means telling your kids I have five minutes to play, I'm going to start this timer, I'm going to soak in every second of it, and then I'm going to be clear and not have guilt when I say and now I need to go make dinner or have a work call or whatever it may be. If you can make those clear lines for yourself so that you're not feeling guilty and spending a bunch of time you don't really have and then being stressed and yelling at them. Similarly, if you're a stay-at-home parent and you feel like it's your job to always be feeding their need for attention, that is not the truth. Give yourself a clear line of what it is you're able to do. I'd love to do this thing with you, honey. And then I need to do this other thing.
Flora McCormick:
Remember that it's not always about play, of how we attach to our kids. It can be about involving them usefully in what we're doing. If you see a child that's struggling and just getting into mischief with his sister, you'll be like you know what? Jason, come on over here. I'd love to have your help making dinner and give them a peeler and a carrot and almost any age, I'd say two and older. They will not hurt themselves. If anything, there could be a tiny little like Nick, but they're not going to severely hurt themselves and nine times out of 10, they're going to really enjoy being involved usefully with you in what you're doing rather than needing to go off and make mischief. So, friend, quality over quantity. Look for how you can set boundaries so that the amount of time you do spend with your children you're really able to be as mentally present and really in a space where you feel positive about that time you're spending.
Flora McCormick:
Second thing is to be able to reassess how we are naming, crying and upset. So in order to have less mom guilt, I want you, friend, today, to think about where you have been experiencing some upset from your children. Let's say you say you know we're not able to go get anything at Target and they're begging you while you're at Target for this toy and that toy, and then you feel guilty because they're getting upset and they're screaming or they're crying. I want you to think about this. I bet somewhere in your mind and heart there's this belief that their cry means you're a mean mom. Their words might even say you're a mean mom and those two things really pull at our heartstrings to get us off center from our strong foundation of being a kind and firm parent. So I want you to think today about how you can stand sturdy on those two legs of kindness and firmness at the same time and sort of have like a mental, emotional, like screen or that guilt coming in to say you know what they're upset about this.
Flora McCormick:
Their words of saying you're a mean mom is really just their immature way of trying to say I'm sad about not getting what I want, and that's okay. So I can reorient it's not that I'm a mean mom. Let me, like, use my mom decoder and maybe even give back to the child the different language to use while I'm using it in my own brain, like you know. What you really mean, honey, is that you're sad that you can't have that thing and it's okay to be sad that you have that thing. Right, I'm not gonna defend that. I am a loving mom. I know that I am in my heart. I know that I am. And to eliminate mom guilt, I'm gonna just let those words slide off my back of them, either saying you're a mean mom or crying and my brain wanting to interpret that as me being a mean mom. And instead I'm gonna say to myself and say to the child I hear that you're sad and it's okay to be sad about this, and you know my favorite phrase you've probably heard a lot I love you. And the answer is still no.
Flora McCormick:
But the third thing to think about, my friend, is the big, big picture. The big big picture here in life is that our kids are gonna need to grow some, struggle muscles. They are going to experience things in their life, whether it's a relationship or a roommate or with their boss, or just the future world they're gonna live in, that have challenges and if every time they are upset, I feel like it's my job to fix that so that they can be happy again immediately or as quickly as possible. I'm not giving my child some space to grow some struggle muscles. So if you've been in a space of feeling some guilt because you can't come to a soccer game, or guilt because you feel like you should be at home more with your children, or guilt because you are at home all the time and you feel like you should be managing that differently in some sort of way, friend, I want you to know that even if there are things that are hard for your children, they're experiencing some disappointment, some amount of wishing. It was one way and it's not quite fully that way, it's okay. It can be a part of building their character. So long as you are providing a safe, emotionally safe, physically safe environment for your children, they're fed, they are loved, they are pursued and enjoyed.
Flora McCormick:
The little things that might be disappointing to them or not exactly what they want are not things we need to fix all the time. Sometimes it's more about. As one mom I coach this week said to me, it's like I need to be more comfortable with them being uncomfortable. This is more about me not being okay when they're not okay, and I think if I could have more strength of saying like it's a you know we can both be okay Even when things are upsetting or disappointing or not exactly what we want, it will help us both to grow and experience more joy together. All right, friend, let this be another week that, as you, parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, parenting finally feels sustainable. Easy world change finally feels sustainable.