You're listening to episode 41 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Today, we're talking about why kids bully. And I really appreciate Hillary who offered this question. And I want to say that if you have a question on your heart, please submit it to us, flora at sustainable parenting. com. We'd love for your question or topic to be highlighted as one of our future episodes.
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So thanks so much, friend, for sharing the love. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing. [00:01:00] to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and for that reason finally feel sustainable.
Welcome.
Now let's dive in to bullying. Bullying is such an interesting topic and I find that it's one where there are two key errors we often make and two key things I'd like to suggest that you try differently. The first two key errors I see around bullying is focusing on the label and teaching from the neck up.
Focusing on the label is that we can, without meaning to, start calling our kids bullies. Hey, you're being a bully to your sister. That's not okay. And that is something that really actually can [00:02:00] be self defeating. So If you're thinking that using this big, powerful word to label your kid is going to convince them, Ooh, I don't want to be that bad guy, research shows actually the opposite is more often true.
When we put a label on a child as, Gosh, you're just difficult. You're so sensitive. You're being a bully. It teaches the child to start seeing that as their self concept. That's part of who I am. And mostly unconsciously, it starts giving them permission to do more of that. It starts leading them to feel comfortable doing more of that and curious about that being who they are and kind of thinking, okay, well, that's just my role.
in this family or in this classroom. So, let's stay away from labels. It is more harmful, not helpful. Secondly, we end up thinking we should teach from the [00:03:00] neck up. If you've been here a while in sustainable parenting, you know this is something I'm harping on constantly. It is an epidemic, I feel, in our parenting in the 21st century.
That we are always looking for ways to be going at our kids and explaining how to behave better. We go at them to correct things and we talk, we talk, we talk, we talk! And to Terrible things happen there. One, we're exhausted. Most parents I talk to with this talk, talk, talking are exhausted by parenting.
Like I can't do it. I don't have the energy for it. I'm doing it in quotes. If you could see my hands and it's like, well. Parenting doesn't have to be all about so much talk, talk, talking that is exhausting. So it's exhausting you and guess what my friend? It is also not the most effective thing for your child because the reasons that they're likely engaging in some bullying type behavior are more [00:04:00] emotional.
neck down. And if we're just giving reasons of why to not do that, we're not connecting to the heart. We're not connecting to the body about actions and consequences. We are not connecting to them in the most effective, teachable way. So what do we do instead? These are my two top tips to think about related to bullying, to focus on way differently instead of just labeling them and thinking that lectures are going to somehow change their behavior.
So the first is that we got to think about what this bullying behavior is really about. And secondly, we want to teach them new tools to be more effective. The two things that I want to suggest you do super differently are get curious, not furious. and give them the tools to handle those situations more effectively.
Let's dive into this. Get curious, not [00:05:00] furious, my friend, means like, you know, it's really easy when our kids do something mean to a sibling, to another child on a play date, to launch into like, Oh my gosh, why on earth would you do that? Why would you think it's okay to have just. grabbed that from his hand and ran off.
Why would you think it's okay to push your sister like that? Why would you think that that's okay? And when we stay in the why, we are asking the least effective question. Like, do you notice usually your kids in that moment just have deer in the headlights? They're like, I don't know. It's partly because they may not know.
And secondly, it's because The knowing is not from their neck up. It's not a logical knowing. They didn't like necessarily just say, I think I'll go grab that and go grab it. It likely was from being in a spot where they were not having good impulse control or being in an emotional spot where the emotion led them to do that thing.
So let's get curious. Let's get [00:06:00] curious about, whoa, whoa, whoa. What? I see that you're having a hard time with Jessica. What's going on? This is one of my favorite templates of how to engage in this kind of curiosity questioning. And it comes from Ross Green of The Explosive Child and Raising Human Beings.
Both phenomenal books. If you have a child that is doing some aggressive and explosive and more bullying type behaviors, that We, that it just gives so many great examples of how to engage in this curiosity and then problem solving. So the curiosity is, you know, whoa, you're having a hard time with moments when someone else has a toy you want.
Tell me about that. So not launching right into, here's my advice about what to do differently and here's why that's not okay, but tell me about what's going on for you in that moment. This is different, right? Does that, like, wait a minute. Okay, so I ask them and you may be saying, I have asked [00:07:00] them, I say, like, why are you doing that?
Why did you do that? And remember, why is not an effective question. Why is a question that really often pushes our kids to be defensive. And they and it's not as fruitful. So if you say I have asked and it doesn't work, try to stay away from why and try to say, Okay. Tell me about that very simple short open ended question.
So that's how we get curious not furious We hope that we might be able to unpack something deeper here like with your child who's doing something Not nice repeatedly to their sibling just going over and bopping them or grabbing things They may say well, she always gets everything and you're always just letting her do whatever she wants I'm the only one that gets in trouble again See if you can stay in that curious, not furious mindset and not just step right into defending yourself or explaining why that thing has happened.
But instead, you're [00:08:00] really trying to stand in your child's shoes, look out their eyeballs, climb in their skin almost, and like, understand what that's like to be thinking and feeling those types of things. Like man, that would feel really rotten if you were standing in a place thinking that your sibling is always favored, your sibling is always getting what they want, and you're the one that never gets things your way.
That would feel really rotten and make you feel so rotten that you might want to just go grab things or bop people. So we're being curious first, trying to uncover what the child's feeling and thinking. And if you're not sure how to do that type of reflective conversation, this is something I love to help parents with in coaching.
One short little tip I'll give you first is to be mirroring what they're saying and using terms like, Oh, you feel like, or Oh, you wish. Oh, so man, it feels like sister just gets everything she wants. [00:09:00] Or, you wish that everyone else would choose you to be on that team as the first pick. You wish it would go that way.
You wish everyone else would just do the game your way. And then after we've gotten curious, not furious, the next step is to equip them with how to handle that situation better. And my friend, as I'm often saying, it's not the telling, it's not the lecturing, it's trying to pull out of the child the solution.
So let's start with asking instead of telling. Hmm. Well, okay. So the next time you're feeling really upset that sister is, um, getting her way and you're feeling sad about that, I wonder what else we could do that would go better for everyone. Like you wouldn't have to take a break from playing, from hitting her.
She wouldn't be crying because you hit her. What else could we do that would go better for everyone? And they may say, I don't know, just [00:10:00] let that hang a little bit. I've been a lot in parent coaching sessions this week about comparing this to a moment where. You know, maybe you tell your friend that your husband's just super pissing you off and you're like, they say, well, I wonder how you can handle that differently or what would make that better.
And you might be like, Oh, nothing. I swear. I've tried everything. And then if they just were to hold space for you, like, yeah, gosh, it is hard to think of what else could maybe be making it better. You might take a breath and be like, well. I have been meaning to, like, make a way that maybe we, like, have a regular Sunday night check in about kids stuff and, like, maybe that would help.
When we have done that, it really does make things better. So just, like, leave space for that initial, I don't know, nothing will make it better. Hold space with, like, yeah, it may feel hard to think of something and see if that second chance may lead to solutions. You also can do something I call the Wheel of Choices, where you trace a plate or just draw a circle with some spokes in that, and you may [00:11:00] see this out there at Positive Discipline has advice on, uh, Wheel of Choices, schools often are teaching, um, about Kelso's Choices, maybe you've seen that come home, and so this idea is let's, podcast.
Brainstorm a number of ideas of how to solve this problem and put it on a wheel so that you have this as a visual, you have buy in that these are your ideas. And then the next time you're frustrated, I see that you're about to go over to your sister and bop her. I might be like, Hey, hey, hey, choose something else from your list.
You look frustrated. Remember your ideas of how else you can solve this. So friend, these are my top tools today. Remember to stay away from labeling, stay away from just lecturing about all the reasons to behave better, and instead switch into getting curious about the root cause, and then brainstorming and problem solving around how the child could handle that type of situation better.
If you're like, our issue is way deeper than this, and this is going on bigger than this, then I believe parent [00:12:00] coaching is what you're missing, my friend, is being able to really describe all of the key details and get the key solutions that are custom fit for your family. So remember in the show notes, there's an easy link to set up a Clarity Call with me where we can talk about what that would look like.
And again, friend, let this be a week where you're parenting with kindness and firmness at the same time. So the parenting finally feels sustainable, and enjoyable, and fun! Because that's really our whole goal here, to be enjoying our kids more. Talk soon, and hope to see you next week.