You're listening to episode 42 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. And today I want to talk about why typical strategies don't often work with our neuro divergent children and give you a pathway so that you can feel more effective with these unique.
Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing. to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective, and for that reason, finally, feel sustainable.
Welcome.[00:01:00]
First of all, I want to thank one of our listeners that I have just recently learned is a regular listener from Virginia. Colleen, thank you so much for listening regularly. And this topic today came. from hearing some feedback from you. So I want to remind others that are listening that if you find a thought that comes up as you're listening, that you wish that I would address something a little bit differently or go in more depth onto something, please message me flora at sustainable parenting.
com. I would really love to hear from you. And it does really translate into me. coming up with the future episodes based on the feedback from all of you that are loyal listeners. Lastly, please do me a favor if you've been enjoying this podcast and be sure to subscribe and share it with a friend or family member so that we can continue to grow.
As Sustainable Parenting's goal, my personal goal this year is to serve 200 families in a way that they can [00:02:00] be enjoying their time together more. feeling more calm and confidence in parenting and feeling more ease in their time together. So let's dive into our topic now for today. As we think about neurodivergent kids, the number one thing I want you to reassess is the approach of thinking that somehow our super logical solutions are going to be effective to our super logical kids.
Many times our neurodivergent kids are highly intelligent, and they're highly verbal, they have a lot of ideas, and with that high intelligence and high verbal skill, we can get lost in the weeds in moments where they're struggling and think that logic is going to be the best way out. Let me tell you, friend, your most [00:03:00] logical solutions are not likely working even with your super logical kid in moments when they're struggling.
Am I right? Does that land like, yes, I know, and I've been confused. Why am I just not saying the right thing? Am I just not saying it in the right way? No friend, that's not what's missing. That's not the road to things being better. Here's what it is. The road to things going better when your neurodivergent child is struggling is to know that no amount of logic is going to move them out of a place that is emotional.
So for instance, I was just doing a training this week yesterday for a preschool here in Montana, where I live in Bozeman. And they brought up this child, we'll call him Jeffrey. And they said that Jeffrey really struggles when things are not as he [00:04:00] Expected them to be, like, if he comes into the play area and he wanted to have a tub of a certain activity and it's not where it should be or it doesn't have the materials in it that he expected, he really gets upset quickly.
Goes from like zero to a hundred. Or if he decides to open up his, um. Uh, putting like two minutes before lunchtime is done and they say, Oh buddy, we're not going to have time for that. He gets very upset. And the teacher said, I think we need to help him to be able to handle transitions better and be more flexible.
And I said, yes, absolutely. We want to grow flexibility. This is a child demonstrating that he has challenges with flexibility, challenges with moments that surprise him and aren't how he believes they should have been. Or they don't go how he wants them to. And rather than characterize that that's something that is bad about him and he needs to just stop being difficult, we can recognize that [00:05:00] this is an aspect that's common in neurodivergence.
That they are, you know, they thrive in structure. They have an internal compass that likes to have things be just a certain way. And that's a great strength in many moments, but it also can be a challenge when life happens as life does, and it doesn't go quite the way that they had expected. And then they're hit with this flood of emotion out of nowhere.
So as I talked with the teacher and said, okay, yes, let's work on what we realize is we want them to grow as flexibility. um, and his ability to react in these transit or in these moments that are unexpected in a more calm manner. How do you think we can do that? And she said, I think he just needs to think about how it's going to be okay.
He can eat his pudding later or think about that he could do a different skill. And I, I stopped her and I said, I, you have wonderful ideas. Here's the challenge though. is in that moment that you're [00:06:00] talking about for Jeffrey, if we could draw a triangle of the three main brain states, the three states being brain is working, he can reason, or middle state, he needs help to relate to the big feelings he's having, or lowest animal part of the brain firing where he needs help to regulate.
The kind of fight flight freeze response that's just coming up really in ways that don't make any logical sense, but are just firing in his body and brain. What state do you think he's in when he is in that inflexible behavior? that you're talking about. She's like, Oh, well, he's definitely not in reason brain, somewhere between needing help to relate or regulate.
I said, Yeah. So why would we come to a brain that's struggling emotionally and try to get them to move out of that with reasoning? That's not the part of their brain that's firing, [00:07:00] so that's why your standard approaches of thinking that you can come to an upset, dysregulated, or frustrated child who's somewhere in that neurotypical spectrum, if you try to come to them with reasoning, it often fails.
Not because of you doing, you know, you know, failing, but because the strategy is not what's going to land with where his brain is at. So we talked about what Jeffrey is really needing is some more support and practice with what he can do when he feels flooded by an emotion. So buddy, when that hits you, like boom, your chest gets hot, your fists feel tight, face is like, ah.
And you want to run or scream or grunt or cry, what can we do to help your body? with that feeling. Start with neck down, regulate by naming the [00:08:00] feelings and giving tools for calming those feelings. Then, once the child has been able to receive that regulation, they will likely be able to move into a more logical place where then you can talk about the flexible options of what else to do and, you know, when else he can eat his pudding, for instance, and when else he would be able to, you know, Find the tools in that bin that he was hoping to play with.
So the top strategy, friend, that I want you to think about changing here is to stop thinking that your illogical argument is somehow going to help this super intelligent kid in moments where really his emotions are firing. So when emotions are firing, let's calm those emotions and then we can get to helping him with reasoning.
If you're not exactly sure how to best be able to do that with your child, [00:09:00] this is what I love to do as a parenting coach. I have a specific program where many of the parents have entered with children somewhere in the neurotypical spectrum and found that they finally are seeing Better responses from their children when they're asking them to start or stop tasks.
Finally feeling like they can be more connected and calm and problem solving with their child in effective ways when the child's upset. And finally having more ease and joy together as a family. So friend, reach out to me. Schedule a Clarity Call. We can talk about what that path would look like if you have questions, or you can explore at my website, which is in the show notes.
Friend, I hope this strategy gives you a starting point today to have more success with your amazing neurotypical child. And as always, please use this as a week to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, so that parenting finally feels sustainable.[00:10:00]