Flora McCormick: [00:00:00] Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time. And give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective.
And for that reason, finally, feel sustainable. Welcome.
Flora McCormick: I am so honored on today's episode to be interviewing an 18 year old about a teen's perspective on What Every Parent Needs To Know. Welcome, Isabel. Isabel is my amazing niece, my sister's daughter. [00:01:00] Isabel is about to launch into the world, go to college next year. So I thought this was such a great opportunity to get to ask her some input on things that, you know, every parent might want to know from a teen's perspective.
So first of all, backing it way, way up. I would love to hear if you could start by just saying a little bit about like, what style of parenting do you feel like your parents used to parent you?
Isabelle: I think their, their style of parenting, I don't have a specific word for it, but it's more like kind of like they encouraged me a lot to be independent, to learn how to do things myself, just.
Yeah, that's what comes to mind is mostly just like making sure that I'm learning how to do things on my own and like slowly backing off as I've gotten older and letting me do more things by myself, like raising money or, [00:02:00] um, getting myself places or communicating with people. It's more has become more on my, has become my duty more than theirs.
Mm
Flora McCormick: hmm. Yeah. And so when you think back, like, so when you say independent seems to be a top thing that has been their priority, do you feel like they have been, like, if you thought of the scale between, like, really permissive or really controlling? Where would you put them on that line?
Isabelle: Uh, I would not say they were very controlling in my life.
Uh huh. They've been very, uh, they let me make my own mistakes and learn from them and Yeah, and encouraged me to be safe, but I've never thought of my parents as
Flora McCormick: controlling. Yeah, and then how about the opposite aside, like permissive? Those maybe parents of friends, you know, that it's like, there's not really tech rules, there's
Isabelle: Yeah, I would say it's kind [00:03:00] of like in the middle of the, between the two.
It's like, there's still, when I was younger, still a big part of my life, and in the know of what I was doing and everything, and monitoring, like, My screen time or making sure I was going somewhere safe, but they never were limits, I guess, on those, on those things. I'm not sure how to explain it. Like
Flora McCormick: it wasn't super controlling.
Yeah. But it wasn't super whatever you want to do permissive. Right. Okay. Kind and firm at the same time, some might say. Yeah. That's what we love to talk about here. So, I bet you see in your friends Like example, other examples like that where at 18 kids are like really struggling with some parts of life because of things their parents Could have handled differently What advice would you have of that like okay parents make sure that you're doing X Y and Z so that you're not putting your kids In a position where they're really gonna struggle [00:04:00] when they're
Isabelle: 18.
Yeah, honestly, it's kind of like There's got to be, on parents behalf, I've noticed that my friends really struggle when their parents don't listen to them, and they, the parents aren't showing respect. I think they're, the power struggle between like an adult and the teenager is like, I've noticed that when there's a large authority figure with the parent, and they'll go, I'm telling you what to do, whatever, I've just noticed that like my friends hate it, and always end up in fights with their parents.
Although I can see, like, sometimes it's on my, it's not my friend's fault, I wouldn't say, but, like, it was, they instigated something, but also it's on the parent's side as well who starts instigating something, and it's just, I don't know, there's a lack of listening and understanding on the parent's side of, like, Okay,
Flora McCormick: power [00:05:00] struggles.
I think this is so interesting because I help a lot of people with power struggles with their like toddlers and same thing They're like a lot of parents think the best way to solve a power struggle is to sort of like Break the child's side of things, you know, like he just needs to quit arguing with me all the time He just needs to Listen better, listen.
So you've been on the child's side of this, like, and you've seen it. What, what's going on for the kids when they have a parent that is focused on that? What do you hear from your friends? They have a parent that's, like, always interested in just saying, like, you're not listening and you need to stop arguing with
Isabelle: me.
Yeah, yeah, I have a friend that comes to mind. I just had a conversation with him about this a while ago, um, and he was just telling me that his. His relationship with his dad is very strained because his dad is, always thinks that he's right and, and so it's like it, it's a [00:06:00] struggle for my friend because he wants to share things with his dad about his life, like challenges he's facing, yeah, challenges, like emotional, emotional feelings and, um, or experiences, but like, holds back because his dad doesn't listen to him.
Like he, his dad expects him to always listen to the dad, but not the other way around. And yeah, and I think that just builds up a lot of resentment. Like when I think about my friend, he's just really struggles. He just doesn't want to have a closer relationship with his dad because of that.
Flora McCormick: Yeah, so then he feels not only like he can't come to his dad with his problems, right, but also he feels like his dad is like, there's just this strain between them.
And I think your [00:07:00] mom, as I watched her, has always been, especially, but your dad as well, like good at that, listening first before giving advice and maybe never even giving advice.
Isabelle: No, yeah, sometimes my mom will just listen to me. I mean, I talk to her all the time about everything and she's such a great listener and just, like, validates my feelings, but then also is able to, like, point out to me in times where, like, I may have made a mistake or I said something that maybe was, like, not the right thing to say in the moment to a friend or whatever.
I think that also it, on my side, I have, the person has to recognize that Like it's it's criticism, you know, but like in a positive way constructive constructive criticism Yeah, and I know that some people don't take that very well So yeah, that's kind of a an important thing on a teenager side to recognize like I don't know.
We make mistakes and be able to [00:08:00] take it in and be able to take it in.
Flora McCormick: But honestly, I think that connects to what you were just talking about before. It's like a chicken and egg kind of thing. Like is a teenager just automatically going to be more humble and willing to listen? Or does that grow when you've watched an adult be willing to like humble themselves and listen?
Yeah. I think it goes that direction more. That's where you've grown. That ability to be humble is you've watched your mom model. Saying that like well, I may not be right here and or you know, okay, so I can tell you're mad I want to understand where you're coming from first.
Isabelle: Yeah. Yeah, definitely is I mean we learn from the behavior of our parents And so if if parents model good behavior the child your child will also like have good behavior so it's again like what you were saying if you are showing good listening skills to your kid [00:09:00] and And I think then it's good to help them recognize that like, okay, now it's you, now you listen to me, you know, it's just that good relationship where there's no, only one person listens to the other.
Right, it's not
Flora McCormick: an authoritarian, top down, like, you will listen to me because I'm the boss. Like, when you model being able to listen to the child first, that's going to grow that in them. What other qualities do you think are really important for parents to be modeling, like you said? So that the kids are then learning to do that, like be perfect, never yell.
Isabelle: No, it's hard not to yell at your kids, especially when they're younger. Mm hmm. Um, as I've gotten older though, I, my parents don't yell at me anymore. Mm hmm. So it's just like I, what I appreciate about my parents is just showing respect to me as a human and not just as their kid. Mm hmm. Like, um, [00:10:00] yeah, just, just being, just showing signs of basic respect and And treating me, yeah, and just treating me like a person.
They talk to me normally and they don't pressure me to do all these things. It's like we can just have an enjoyable conversation with each other and hang out with each other. And I love hanging out with my parents. And it's definitely something that a lot of people my age can't relate to. But it's like, it's pretty, it's, it's nice.
Yeah, I don't know, just so, showing. and just treating your kid like they're not a kid. Yeah,
Flora McCormick: speaking to them as a person, respecting them on that level. Like you would talk to a co worker or a friend. Yeah. Um, not meaning that they are just a friend. Of course, your parents still hold boundaries with you.
Yeah. But like, speaking ofso you just said like You have a relationship that maybe not all teenagers can relate to. I know a lot of your [00:11:00] friends love to be around your parents, even this summer when you were out of town, they were coming to hang out with your parents. What's that about? What would they say if it was like, well, why do you want to spend time with my parents?
What would they say makes it attractive to be in their space, be in their company?
Isabelle: My parents are just super easy to get along with. Um, my mom especially. She's very friendly with my friends and like, again, treats them like, like they're an adult. You know, we're, as we're getting older, like my mom, she's able to just joke around.
We can laugh about everything. And it's just like, my friends genuinely enjoy hanging out with my parents, which is, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur Podcast, Be The Sought After Entrepreneur
Flora McCormick: This [00:12:00] makes me think like when I was in grad school, one of the quotes that stands out from one of my favorite professors was like, every child just wants to be pursued and enjoyed.
And I think a lot of times because of those power struggles you were talking about earlier, parents start feeling like they don't know how to pursue or enjoy, or they feel some pushback, like the kid being like, go away, you're embarrassing. So then they, they do, they pull back more and more, which then becomes, I think there's just like self fulfilling like negative.
relationship. And so that's what I think I'm hearing. And I feel like my, your mom has said that to me is like, she, she's also intentional about pursuing and enjoying you and your friends. And I think then again, that's the reciprocal when. When a child feels pursued and enjoyed, then they're going to be more likely to like, pursue and enjoy wanting to be around the adult.
So again, when parents are like, Why won't they just want to be around us more? Why are they always [00:13:00] rolling their eyes? Would you say that's fair advice? Like, take an interest in what they're interested in, and like, judgment free, right? If it's video games or it's YouTube videos, like, get on their level and like, Tell me about the songs you're listening to, what music you're into, or, um, just, you know, I'll say you're interested in a boyfriend, like, do you want to, you know, tell me about that?
What makes you interested in that person? Yeah, what thoughts do you have about
Isabelle: that? Um, yeah, I think definitely, like, finding Something that your kid really likes to talk about and then just listen to them and Agreeing with them, even if you might not totally agree with them anyway, or you don't understand it.
Let them explain it to you Like just enjoy Hanging out with them and and it's also important to make sure it's not really forced I think some parents especially if your relationship [00:14:00] With your kid is a little bit distant and then you jump right in and be like, okay So what's going on in your life?
Like tell me all this and that it can come off really uncomfortable from the kids perspective and so it's just like letting conversation flow naturally and It also I think helps sharing Personal experiences in your life with your kids. So then your kid will feel comfortable sharing their personal experiences with you Instead of just
relationship with our mom. And
Flora McCormick: your brother's a 16 year old boy for those listening that don't know
Isabelle: him. Yeah. He, uh, he's just not much of a talker. So, it's just, but, you know, when we find things that he does enjoy talking about such as basketball, [00:15:00] um, then he is like super into that conversation. And so, yeah, it's just, and it has to come up naturally.
It can't feel forced. I. witnessed it being forced and it only gets negative, a negative response. And then the parent feels upset and hurt because they're offended that their kid doesn't want to talk to them. And it's just sometimes who that person is.
Flora McCormick: So yeah, it sounds like, yeah, parenting teens, you got to be willing to kind of ride the wave of like pursue, try to connect.
And if they're not into it, just let it go. Don't push too hard that will like poison the water sort of.
Isabelle: Yeah,
Flora McCormick: so An interesting thought question. I've been wanting to ask you is do you feel like they're Looking back that there were any key Conversations or moments that have really shaped your personal
Isabelle: growth.
Um, I [00:16:00] think that my parents have always tried to push me out of my comfort zone a lot in any opportunity that was available. Because for a long time in my life, I dealt with a lot of anxiety and stress and my parents weren't really sure what to do with that. But like, well one, being able to share with them how I was feeling and them witnessing how it was affecting me definitely changed a lot of things.
I think for a while they didn't understand what was going on and I thought that it was just kind of something like basic and didn't really need much attention like I would get over it, but it just didn't necessarily, that doesn't work that way. So like what my parents, first of all, making sure that I was getting professional help for that.
And then second of all, again, making sure that I am to like learn and experience more, like making sure that I'm [00:17:00] getting pushed out of my comfort zone little by little. And, and now. They don't have to push me to do that anymore because I've, like, recognized it myself as I've gotten older to do that for myself.
So, like, for example, I did some study abroad stuff and I don't think I would have ever done that or ever thought I would do that when I was, I don't know, 16. Mm hmm. And that has just, like, really, really helped me grow as a person. It's helped me open up more. Um, and not be super shy and I can communicate with more people easily and learning just how to be myself around people without any, without holding myself back and just kind of like not really caring what people think anymore.
Yeah, so it's just, and I wouldn't, I don't think I would have ever been able to do all that without my parents because. They've always told me, like, [00:18:00] it's important to be out of your comfort zone, to be uncomfortable, um, to experience all those feelings, um. Because it shows you that, like, in the end, like, you're gonna be okay.
You can get through it. You can get through it and you'll live.
Flora McCormick: Yes. This phrase comes to mind, like, competence builds confidence. Confidence is not just like, oh, I think I'm pretty, or I, you know, I think people like me. True confidence is really about, like, I feel capable. I feel like I can, like you just said, talk to strangers, go on a trip, you know, have adventures.
So it sounds, yeah, and they. Sounds like pushed you out of your comfort zone to take your first trip, but then once you went on one trip you Got through it then you notice like oh, I did that and that felt good and there were these positives I want to try some more And then here you are, you're here right now in Montana on a flight that you took all by yourself and getting ready to go to [00:19:00] college, likely out of state, and just really spreading your wings.
Yeah. Well, um, I guess in conclusion, as an 18 year old about to launch into the world, is there any, you know, overall advice that you would give to parents trying to navigate raising kids in this
Isabelle: world? Um, honestly, show a lot of kindness and patience to your kid. Like, your kid will Get frustrated with you, and be mad at you for no reason, and it's just super important to just let them feel that way.
Give them, give them time, give them space, but also, like, Oh, another thing that's important is to tell them as often as you can how much you care about them. That definitely makes a huge impact on how people behave as they get older. Yeah, it's just showing, showing how much you love and appreciate them, like, no matter what, and no matter who they are, like, always being there [00:20:00] for them and supporting them.
Like, I think support is very important.
Flora McCormick: Supporting their interests or their feelings or
Isabelle: all of the above. Yeah, just who they are as a person. It's like, let them live their own life, even if it's not what you expected them to do. Mm hmm. I think having, like, not many expectations on who your kid is going to be helps.
because then you're not putting your child in a box and that also can really can get nasty with time. But yeah, so show kindness and respect and love and appreciation, um, and just like enjoy, find things that you enjoy doing together and yeah, and just appreciate, appreciate that time together.
Flora McCormick: Awesome.
Thank you so much for sharing Isabel. We love hearing from you and if And hopefully we'll get to hear from you again in the [00:21:00] future. Thanks so much for everything you shared with us. I think it's so valuable for parents to hear. Parents, remember this is a week again where you can parent with kindness and firmness at the same time so you can lead to having a wonderful, capable 18 year old.
See you next
Isabelle: week.