You're listening to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast with Flora McCormick, and today I want to talk about what not to say when your child says that someone is mean. That someone might be you, that someone might be a friend at school, that someone might be a sibling. If your child comes to you and is saying, brother was mean, this girl at school was mean, you're mean.
This is what I want you not to say because it really is not effective. It's not going to help your overall mission of getting them to understand things differently and getting them to respond well. So let's dive in.
INTRO: Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend. Place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, and give you the exact steps to be [00:01:00] able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective. And for that reason, finally, feel sustainable. Welcome.
Flora McCormick: First, I wanna thank my many current sustainable parenting transformation clients who this week made this topic top of my mind because this came up somehow in several different one on one conversations. And just as a side note, if you didn't know, I am a parenting coach. I actively do work one on one and in a group setting with parents who are just Super ready for change, ready to hire an expert so that they can get to that change as fast and effectively as possible.
And I love to do it. So this week, thank you to those current clients. You're amazing. And you gave me this topic to share with other parents. So for instance, [00:02:00] a mom said that their child would often say to her, like, you're mean. I don't like you. Or even say things like, you don't like me. When the mom would set a limit or, um, say that it was time to do something that she really didn't want to do, saying no to something that the child wanted to do and wasn't appropriate time, and the child regularly would have some sort of response like, you're mean.
And if you're anything like this particular mom, she said, It's so hard because of course it like pulls up my heartstrings. I'm thinking, Oh, gosh, this immediately makes me feel like I'm failing as a mom. My child doesn't like me. They think I mean, and then maybe some resentment because you're like, Are you kidding?
I mean, I, what about like this thing that I just did for you? What about running all over town to be able to like fight by those shin guards and the pink ball for basketball, for soccer that you especially wanted? Or, Oh, I'm really mean. I'm the one that just spent a whole hour playing this [00:03:00] ridiculous Barbie game with you that dad wanted nothing to do with or whatever the thing may be like, I get it.
It's so easy to either feel like you're failing or feel resentment and anger when your child says something like this. And then what's our gut response? I mean, often it's so easy to fall into what is not helpful, which is what comes most quickly. And my friend, I'm totally there with you. I know, I fall in these, these patterns myself.
I just, I Now know to recognize them and stop and go a different direction, but I still fall into this. It's that we often can go the direction of over explaining why this is not a reasonable thing for them to feel. We get into saying, Are you kidding? Like I'm not being mean to you by just saying no, this is my job as a mom.
I've got to say no blah blah blah or if it's another kid that they're calling mean. It's like No, that child is not mean. It sounds like she was just wanting to say no to you just because she didn't want to do what you were saying or [00:04:00] whatever. Or we can get overly explaining in a judgy way. Let's be honest, like super easy to fall into, like, you know, that is a not a nice girl thing to say to call everyone mean.
You need to be a nicer girl and call people nice names or something like that. So let's back up the train. Beep, beep, beep. Let's back it up and not go that ineffective way because we don't want to be wasting our breath on words that don't get us anywhere, right? We've got so much going on. We've got dinner to cook.
We've got a job to get back to. We've got partners to interact with and play on the weekend with or whatever it is going on. We don't have time to waste our breath. So let's not spend it in ways that is Are not useful. And secondly, let's definitely not fall into judgey blamey like name calling or telling them they're not being a good girl.
We know from lots of research, I know I don't have to tell you this, that it, that just doesn't lead anywhere good. That just leads to more sense of shame. Shame leads them to [00:05:00] either be more resistant or rebellious or sneaky. with their behavior, um, and feel distant from us relationally. So we don't want to get into any of that junk.
Here's what you can do, though. I'm not saying you can't say anything. Here's what I want you to try out instead. I want you to think about this being their immature way to express completely valid, normal feelings, and them letting us know in the best way possible. But it being then our job to to be able to help them translate that into the more mature expression.
Here's what that sounds like. So if my daughter says to me, you're mean, you won't let me do anything. I translate that with my like nice mom decoder, beep, beep, beep, beep. I'm not going to just see it at face value. And I say back to her, you sound, and then I give a feeling where you sound frustrated. You could add because.
And [00:06:00] you wish. You sound frustrated because I'm saying no and you really wish that we could keep playing the Barbies that we've been playing. I'm helping her more maturely know how to say what she was saying in an immature way rather than just Harping on the previous words. Super effective. So it gets the child usually to be like, yes, thank you.
That is what I'm feeling. Now, then there's two next steps you could try out here. You can do a little bit of re scripting, I call it. So just saying, you know, when you're feeling that way, just tell me in those words, like, mom, I'm frustrated. I wish you can put this in kid language by calling it bugs and wishes.
Like, let's learn how to say to mom like, what's bugging you and what you wish. Instead of just saying, mom, you're mean. I'd really love you to be able to say, mom, it bugs me when. You're telling me we can't play anymore, and I [00:07:00] really wish we could keep playing. This is teaching them mature ways to express their feelings and be able to feel heard.
And this is going to be important in all their relationships, right? Not just with you, but with their friendships, with their teachers, with future partners and roommates and co workers, etc. As we're always talking about here at Sustainable Parenting, we're in this for the big win, not the quick win. So this is the big win of teaching long term skills.
And another road you can go with, besides re scripting, is into problem solving. When I've accurately heard them and given them new language, like, oh, I can tell that you're frustrated, that I'm, I've said no because I've told you we can't play this game anymore and you wish that we could keep playing.
Next, I could go problem solving by saying, Hmm, I wonder what we could do to make this better. And you may be thinking, like, Yeah, she's gonna be like, just keep playing with me, and then I'm back to [00:08:00] square one, and like, they're mad at me. I want to just challenge you. I, again and again, with my own kids and with the parents I coach, have gotten different feedback, have gotten the child to come back with, I just want a hug.
And you give a hug and then they run off. And you're like, what? Did that seriously just work that easy? Or that they say, well, could we just, could you promise that we could play again tomorrow? And you're like, you know, whatever it is, maybe you're like, I can't tomorrow, but yes, for sure Saturday. Let's put it, um, write it down on a sticky note.
We'll get back to playing again. Whatever it is. So you might be surprised at what they come up with. Another direction that you can go in terms of problem solving is just like moving the problem to define whatever the when then might be connected to this. You could say, Honey, when we have finished dinner, I'd be happy to come back and play some more with you.
So maybe you're quitting the Barbies just because you have to go make dinner, but it doesn't mean you're [00:09:00] not open to playing more. You just say, Hey, how about when we're done with the dinner, then we can come back and play some more Barbies. So these are different ways we can problem solve with them. And I want to just focus again on if you're like, well, I've tried that.
I'll try to say, how about we do this? How about we do that? What I bet you haven't done is started with the naming it. We name it to tame it is what we say. So if you haven't done the name it to tame it, then that's why you're still getting a lot of heat and argument as you're suggesting solutions. So friend, the recipe when your kid says that you're mean, or that their brother is mean, or that a friend at school was mean, is to first name it to tame it.
Recipe I like that I just recently got from a continuing education reminder from Positive Discipline, which I absolutely love. Absolutely love. Small plug here. I'll put a link in the show notes if you have not checked out their books. I have even a couple of my [00:10:00] personal family stories highlighted in their last published version of Positive Discipline Tools.
And in that workshop, we reviewed saying, I Because, and I wish, or having the, helping the kid to say that, so you feel frustrated because I said we had to stop playing and you really wish we could play forever. And then next part is that when, once the child feels heard, likely you can move on to either re scripting, saying something like, so honey can you just use those words, mom I'm sad, or mom I'm mad, and I wish that you would play with me.
Longer and then Mo, you can move on to problem solving of what can we do to make this better, or let's just remember when this, then that, and these are the parts from that can be so much more effective. Instead of diving into over [00:11:00] explaining moralizing, talking them out of why it doesn't make sense to be saying you're mean.
All right, friend, I hope this is another week where you have learned a small piece of how to be kind and firm at the same time so that parenting begins to feel more sustainable. Quick shout out to everyone who has recently given a review of the podcast or shared the podcast with a friend or family member.
We have had record downloads in the last two weeks of the episodes. And I know that that's because of you, friend. I know that's because of you sharing this podcast with others or leaving a review because that's what helps it show up in front of more people so that this sustainable parenting advice can help more families.
And remember, it is my goal this year to serve 200 families [00:12:00] in my Sustainable Parenting Transformation Coaching Program. And so, your help makes that possible. Sharing this wisdom, making sure that I can connect with those families that are really looking for support, so they can quickly and easily get into more joy and ease in their family life together.
Thanks, friend. Appreciate you so much, and I hope to see you again next week.