You're listening to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast and today we're talking about the ultimate guide to siblings who get along. These three Steps are the foundations that I recommend to start improving if you have had siblings that are constantly fighting, picking at each other, love to get under each other's skin.
So let's dive in.
INTRO: Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this Place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time, and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective. And for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome.[00:01:00]
Flora McCormick: First of all, I want to thank all of the members of our Sustainable Parenting Facebook group who, um, shared this idea with me. So we have a Facebook group. I'd love to have you join it, join there. Simply search for Sustainable Parenting and you should find us. And in this space, I asked the question about what are some of the biggest challenges?
And again and again, siblings come up. So friend, if you're having siblings that get at each other or bickering, it's frustrating. Boy, you're not alone. I can tell you that it is a complaint of, I'd say, at least 50 percent of the clients that I serve. So this is super common, and I think there's a number of reasons for it.
And so let's dive in today to three solutions. The main thing that I notice in terms of sibling, sibling conflict is that Parents often don't realize ways that they can be feeding things being negative. So let's first, like, attend to that. [00:02:00] Key things to stay away from that are in countless books, including Siblings Without Rivalry, which was one of my favorites, but also in a recent book called How to Raise Kids Who Aren't A Holes, the best research shows us that we do not want to be comparing our kids at all, and we do not want to be choosing sides every time they're in a disagreement.
Those two things really actually feed more problems than they help. So what we want to do instead, we want to stay away from any sort of choosing sides, being judge, a jury of who's the good guy or bad guy. And we want to stay away from saying like, why can't you be more like your sister or, you know, giving favoritism to one over the other.
And instead we want to be, we want to be using these three tools. The first is make an agreement in advance if you've been around a while, you know, I'm always harping on this concept because it's so foundational to how we can use our energy [00:03:00] for prevention instead of towards putting out fires. We all want to be there, right?
We want to be in the prevention business, not in the putting out fires business. So, to spend our energy that way, make an agreement in advance that anything that a child chooses to play with is theirs till they're done with it. Hear that again. If they choose to play with it, it's theirs till they're done with it.
So if you have a playroom and you find that as As soon as one daughter goes over to the unicorn, then immediately the other daughter is like, I was about to play with those unicorns. I want that exact one, or that was given to me for my birthday. Where they had no interest in the unicorn before their sibling was grabbing it.
Yeah, I see this time and again. And when parents come in and then say, okay, well, let's find a way to share and they mandate sharing. It just feeds that happening more. So instead I suggest you make a rule. If someone chooses something it's theirs till they're done with it. So you don't have that. I'm going to want to grab it as soon [00:04:00] as my sibling has grabbed it.
Secondly, we want to equip them with how to solve problems with each other. So guys, if you're starting to have a hard time with each other when you're playing, I mean, that makes a lot of sense because you just landed on this planet two years ago, four years ago, eight years ago. So let's talk about teaching you how to solve problems.
Now, you may be thinking in your head right now, Flora, I'm not an idiot. I have told them how to solve problems. We've talked about it many times. I'll come into the scenario and say, why don't you try this? Why don't you try that? And I get that, but this is a different kind of teaching I'm suggesting.
Outside of an upset moment, take a piece of paper, trace like a circle, trace a plate or a potted plant, base, and make a circle, make some spokes, and make what I call a wheel of choices. Now, I didn't name it this, but Positive Discipline calls it the wheel of choices, you may have heard it through your child's school as Kelso's Choices.
It's the idea of let's take a circle, let's draw on it our ideas of how to solve [00:05:00] problems, so that then we can glance at it and reference it and have it be our ideas the next time there's a problem. I mean, you know this difference, the more you say, try this, or what do you think about trying that? When your child's angry, they're just like, no, no, no, all your ideas are dumb, mom, or something like that.
And on the flip side, if you're like, hey, remember when we brainstormed and you had the idea that you could walk away, you could set a timer, um, you guys could take turns of deciding who's gonna be the mommy versus the baby. You decided if you're having a hard time with a game, you'll switch gears and do a craft.
All those great ideas you had, like, Once I start hearing kids bickering, I want to be able to just point them to their own solutions and say, Hey, Hey, Hey, I hear it's not going so well. Let's look at the wheel. What do you want to choose from that to make this go better? And then part three is we have a basic overall process that is like what one of my clients, Leah, named.
You get along or you move along. [00:06:00] Leah is a school counselor and she was a parent who went through my coaching program. I've had pediatricians, school counselors, other counselors, even other parenting coaches go through my parenting program. So this is just a side note to say that it also if you have wondered if you're too equipped to benefit from parent coaching, Not, no such thing.
It's a place to be able to get personalized support, have someone encouraging you, answer questions, you get to bounce them off of an expert and get guidance that you can really trust. So aside from that, what Leah said was we started saying get along or move along, which is the principle of when I hear my kids start not having a good time together, they're starting to bicker, push pull, I say, hold on.
So sounds like a time to use your wheel of choices. What do you want to do from there to make it better? And if they're not able to make it better, then it's clear to be able to say, well, you can choose to do something from your wheel of choices and continue playing. Or if it's going to be [00:07:00] a battle, we'll just go separate ways.
And that could look like just splitting them up into separate play areas. Let's have you color over here for a while and you come over here and help me start dinner. Or it could be you both need to just go chill in your rooms for a little while and play. Or it could be let's send one outside and one inside.
Just let's take a little break from each other. And usually just a little pause in what they were doing. A little separation for a couple of minutes. can really change the dynamic of them then wanting to come back. And I find that these three steps move the dial towards more, um, spontaneous cooperation and problem solving, than all the other strategies that just feed more conflict.
So, this is the secret handbook to siblings who get along, is that we first of all focus on ways that we can be not comparing them and not [00:08:00] becoming judge and jury, but that we are going to be coming at them with thinking about rules that are agreed on in advance. Like that, you know, if someone has something it's theirs until they're done.
Another rule coming to mind on that could be, you know, If you have a sacred toy you really don't want a sibling to play with, then it needs to stay in your room. Or if you want to build something and make sure that the baby or toddler's not gonna crash it, let's only build on top of this table. Things like that we can agree in advance.
Secondly, then we build the wheel of choices to start building the coping skills of how to manage conflict and manage collaboration of play. And third, we hold the principle of we get along, or we move along. Okay, friend. Let this be another wonderful week where you're parenting with kindness and firmness at the same time.
So parenting finally feels sustainable. And if you need help with that, please reach out. We'd love to have a clarity call with you and talk about how we could work together. Hope to see you next week.[00:09:00]