Flora McCormick: 0:00
You're listening to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast and today we're diving into how to discipline a three-year-old. This could be such a hard phase of life. We call them three natures in some schools of thought, and when I heard that term and I had a three-year-old I just thought, oh my gosh. Yes, it's like they're at this budding phase of new independence and new ability, but yet still so limited in their strengths of being able to be, you know, choosing wisely and be really responsible and, you know, really be able to have the power of all these freedoms that they think they deserve now. So let's dive into how do we discipline a three-year-old. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time and give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective and, for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome All right, friend.
Flora McCormick: 1:25
When you're thinking of your sweet three-year-old, I want you to take these three key tools with you that I think can really help so much with those three-year-olds that have strong personalities or that are more defiant or emotional and you're struggling to know what to do that is kind and firm in responding to them. The first is to connect before you correct. The second is to use, distract and redirect. And the third is to get curious and playful, all right, so let's dive in. The first one is to connect before you correct, Friend. When I say this, what I mean is that it is so easy with our three-year-olds, when they're to spend our day telling them what to start doing and stop doing, our words end up sounding a lot like oh hey, buddy, come on over here. We got to get our shoes on. All right. Time to get up to the table for lunch. Okay, time to go get our shoes off to get inside for nap time. Time to go up to bath time. We, I mean, that's nice.
Flora McCormick: 2:33
I'm not being mean or scolding or anything, but what do you feel on the listening side? Is it like oh my gosh, yeah, maybe I wouldn't want to just be ordered around all day and with these little three-year-old dynamos they are just moving between, like I barely learned how to talk and walk to. Wow, I really have this nailed now I can talk, I can walk, I can run. I think I've got all the powers in the universe. So they're like in this developmental stage where they're seeking to really have way more independence, and that's normal. That's natural. That's developmentally appropriate.
Flora McCormick: 3:08
However, and so that's what leads them to to often battle against us if we are constantly just ordering them around. So if we find that there's resistance, not listening or emotions that are all frustrating to us, I want you to consider okay, hold on. Maybe I've been ordering him or her around all day, and so I want to connect before I correct instead of just gosh, why can't you listen? Like hey, buddy, I noticed you're having a hard time with this. I'm asking you to do a lot of things, aren't? I? Come over for a second and just pause. 30 second silent hug is one of my favorite tools with these young three-year-olds. Also just putting a hand on their shoulder, looking deep into their eyes, connecting for a moment to what it is they are focused on. Wow, look at this sand thing that you built. This is so cool, isn't it? Those are all forms of how we can connect before we correct. Okay, so your first tool is connect before you correct.
Flora McCormick: 4:15
The second key tool and discipline for three-year-olds is to distract and redirect. Okay, I'm not saying that this means you can't expect them to be respectful and responsible. But again, remember, we're working with a three-year-old them to be respectful and responsible. But again, remember, we're working with a three-year-old. In their brain is this imagination, this creativity, this just like powerhouse of playfulness, and so we want to use that to our benefit. So, after we've connected a lot of times with three-year-olds, when they're not listening to me, I try to pivot instead of turning into a power struggle.
Flora McCormick: 4:51
So if I'm, like you know, trying to get shoes on, they're like I'm not doing, I don't want to wear it Then, after I've connected, I might distract and redirect with you know, what? Is that the most adorable nose I've ever seen? Is that the most adorable chin I've ever seen? Are those the cutest little ears I've ever seen? And then we're like playing in this game and then distract and redirect. So if I'm battling over getting shoes on to get to the park in the stroller, I might just like grab the shoes, put them in the stroller and just say to the kid, after I've connected, what do you think we'll do first when we get to the park? Are we going to go down the slide or play on the swings, that might shift his attention to the slide versus swings and climb right into that stroller. And I can worry about the shoes again later when we get to the park.
Flora McCormick: 5:42
Or if it's like we're trying to get up to bath time, I'm like, come on, let's go. Come on, let's go. And I've connected for a moment. The distract and redirect again can be what can I focus on that we're about to do? That's attractive. Ooh, I can't wait. Do you think that we should do bubbles tonight or no bubbles? This is putting his brain on a topic that he can choose instead of just get up there, get up there, get up there and forcing it. So distract and redirect.
Flora McCormick: 6:13
Or if they're getting really flustered with playing with a child, then pivot. You know, instead of guys, you have to share this one toy and you have to do it this way and it just keeps being difficult. Between siblings or a play date, then distract and redirect. After you've connected between siblings or a play date, then distract and redirect. After you've connected, say you know, guys, I was thinking let's get out a beach ball, and you blow up the beach ball and you just, you know, get going. I always have these sort of things in my back pocket that are not our regular play, activities that I love to pull out so that I could pivot and distract and redirect if we were having a difficult moment that wasn't getting resolved or changing just the room. Let's go upstairs and play in your bedroom. Get out some books if we've been having trouble downstairs. So distract and redirect.
Flora McCormick: 7:01
And the third key tool is to get curious and playful. I love this key phrase I learned from John Summers Flanagan get curious, not furious. And so if I am in a mode where I'm frustrated that a three-year-old's not listening to me, what I first want to get curious about is what is it that is the intention with what they're doing? And can I channel that to an instead, so that I don't have to say no? What I mean is, if they are jumping on the couch and I want to be like, stop jumping on the couch, stop jumping on the couch, and I'm thinking, ooh, they need to get some physical energy out, instead of just saying stop, that I can get curious about what's the need? Okay, they need to move, and I can give them an instead. Okay, buddy, instead, let's come over here. We can definitely run and jump. Here's where we can do it Instead. Let's come over here. We can definitely run and jump. Here's where we can do it. Let's go outside or let's go into this other play area. You can run around the island in the kitchen. Whatever works for you.
Flora McCormick: 8:06
Look at the need and look for the instead. If the child is coming up and pushing you or poking you and you stop and get curious, you or poking you and you stop and get curious, not furious. The intention, what they're desiring, is to know how to get your attention and ask you for something. So the instead could be teaching the interrupting hand. A lot of three-year-olds don't know how to get your attention appropriately. Teach them to put their hand on your shoulder or your leg and that you'll put your hand on top. That represents yes, I know you need something. I'm just finishing up. You know this part of my phone call or talking to dad or whatever it is. And then you look at them and you address it. So look, get curious. What is the intention? Are they needing to move? Are they needing to interrupt? What are they needing? And can I give an instead of what to do? And, in addition to that, getting curious, get fun and playful.
Flora McCormick: 9:04
I alluded to this a little bit with the bath time ideas. But you know, with these three year olds, if we're just so serious all the time and again we're battling against this mind that's just got so much budding creativity and playfulness and curiosity, we're going to lose. Flooding creativity and playfulness and curiosity we're going to lose. So let's see, when I'm saying you know that we need to hold hands going across the street, if I can let go of being so serious about it and make it somehow a little bit playful, like hey, buddy, do we want to hold hands like this, like inner clasp, or hold hands like this, do we want to? How about I'm going to squeeze a pattern to your hand and you see if you can squeeze that pattern back. Okay, now your turn. You squeeze a pattern and I'm going to squeeze it back, meaning like they squeeze your hand, like squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, and you squeeze back, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, if that's making sense. Um, and just look for a way to add some playfulness to you know, we're going to do this thing. Do you want to do it this playful way or that playful way? We're going to leave the park and get into the car. Do we want to hop like bunnies, or run fast like cheetahs, Ready Go. You know we need to get up to bath time. Do we want to go right side up or upside down? And these games again, so that we're not battling against their inner creativity and playfulness. We're pairing the thing we want them to do with some creativity and playfulness.
Flora McCormick: 10:26
The dinner table is another key area for this. If you've been trying to get the kids to just sit there, sit there, sit there. Involve them playfully Like, hey, let's all get our piece of chicken on our fork and cheers Yay, chicken cheers, let's what's our next bite? And that we're all going to cheers to um. You know you can do something I call the dinner game, which is to start asking playful questions, and I do have on my website, in my blog, a list of curated items that I'll put. Also a link in our show notes, which is um gives you a list of different resources, like table topics and special moments that have these pre made questions that you can do at dinner, so that it's like hey, whoever's at the dinner table gets to play this game with us, you know, and that you draw a question like would you rather be a dinosaur or be a bird that could fly and why we can add playfulness into how we're asking our kids to be cooperative.
Flora McCormick: 11:25
If you'd like more ideas on how to use playfulness in your parenting moments of discipline, please check out episode 23, where we covered that and gave five more key ideas of how to do that effectively.
Flora McCormick: 11:40
So, friend, these are my three top tools for you this week.
Flora McCormick: 11:42
If you are parenting a child around the age of three, I want you to think about how you can connect before you correct, how you can distract and redirect, and how you can use a little bit more curiosity and playfulness.
Flora McCormick: 11:57
I hope this helps you this week again to be that kind and firm parent that you want to be, so that you feel more calm and cooperation in your home as the sustainable parent you've always wanted to be. And, friends, please remember this is a podcast that is intending to serve 200 families this year in our sustainable parenting transformation program. So if you have gotten value out of this episode, please share it with a friend or family member. And secondly, if you haven't yet left a review, it means the world to us to hear from you. Go down to the end of all of the episodes on your home screen of the podcast and enter the stars and leave a comment, and you could be selected as our listener of the episodes on your home screen of the podcast and enter the stars and leave a comment and you could be selected as our listener of the week in one of our upcoming episodes.