53. How to Get Kids off Screens (Ages 5-12), and WHY it's so important

Are your kids glued to their screens? 

Do you feel like your in frequent debates over whether they can watch “ONE more show” or play a video game “JUST a few more minutes”?...

I know this battle all too well, and this episode is focused on giving you the exact steps to set tech limits (and keep them), and the valuable statistics on WHY it's so important.  

The numbers are really alarming, when we really take a look.  Overuse of screens has directly correlated to increasing rates of depression and anxiety among the 5-12 age group, and beyond.  

So this is no small matter.

But armed with our discussed strategies for age-appropriate screen time and realistic kind/firm rules for tech use, you'll be empowered to get your kids back into real-world connections and healthier habits.

Expect to walk away with tools that ensure your new family guidelines stick.

By the time you finish listening, you will know:

✨Why kids need to have less screen time (what's the cost of being addicted to tech)?

✨How to SET and MAINTAIN technology boundaries with love and consistency. 

✨A game plan that tackles resistance head-on, affectionately dubbed the 'extinction burst.' 

✨Want more?

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4) And while you've got your phone out, make sure to follow me on Instagram @Sustainable_Parent_Coach and join our Facebook Community!

5) Also -use this link for a FREE 20 min clarity call with Flora.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:03

You're listening to episode 53 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Today, we're going to dive in really clear and succinct on how to get our kids detoxed from this tech addiction when they're between the ages of five and 12. And we are wanting to unplug them from the screens and get them out there playing with friends and interacting with real people again. And, my friend, if you aren't sure if this is important, let me tell you the statistics are scary. The statistics are clear and I want you to know how important this is, not for any sort of guilt, but to make sure you're informed. And, most importantly, I'm going to tell you how you can get kids off of technology, if it has felt nearly impossible. So let's really dive into this. Why does this matter? First of all? Then, we're going to talk about what do we do to change it and if it's really realistic and and I can tell you how it can be realistic it does require very intentional steps, but I'm going to give you those today. So, first of all, why does it matter. Ooh, friends, this is such a hot topic. First of all, I do want to say I'm going to give you some general statistics, but I do also respect that you need to decide for your family what your values are and what matters most. So absolutely that's true. Let me give you some statistic and information, though. We now know that children in the age range of eight and older are spending, on average, three to seven hours a day on technology Some form of phones or iPads, or video games or TV Friend. That's a lot, that's a lot, and so it's no wonder that when they're having that exposure, it's correlating to a rise in depression and anxiety. Now, why? It's a lot of exposure to comparison that their brains are maybe not really ready for seeing ads and marketing and all of these things that are pushing messages into their face that they're not equipped to be ready to really be aware of and be smart consumers of. Aware of and be smart consumers of. Secondly, this you know, posting and the criticism that comes if you post something and all of the feedback that comes in social media is a whole thing. And thirdly, the fast pace of scrolling or YouTube clips or TikTok clips that just move from one thing to the next to the next, we know are affecting our brains in like a drug sort of way. They literally when they check on the brain activity. It's like dopamine, like a drug that we get addicted to this next thing, next thing, immediate gratification and entertainment that's constantly moving, changing, moving, changing and it makes us hard to be calm, centered, emotionally regulated humans in the real world. So for all those reasons, I just want to be clear that technology exposure does matter.

Speaker 1: 3:23

We're seeing some pretty alarming statistics. Sometimes I get parents that say don't I need to give my child a cell phone because their friends are having them. I mean, now it's as young as second graders, my daughter, her friends already some of them are having cell phones. And so I have parents say are they missing out socially? Is it a risk for them to not have access to technology? It may be true that peers are having them, but I will tell you also the downsides that we're seeing for kids that have phones. That for me, when I weigh the pros and cons fitting in with the Joneses because they have it versus the outcomes that I see happening for kids that have phones younger and younger the pros don't outweigh the cons. So here are some of the cons we know that we've seen a dramatic rise in depression in youth and adolescents and anxiety. It's now about one in three girls and boys that are expressing some form of depression or anxiety in these preteen and teen years. And you may say well, that seems like it could be caused by a lot of different things, and absolutely that's true. But I can tell you, correlation data, that this rise took a dramatic step around 2012. And that is also where we see the data showing that by 2012, about half of Americans owned a smartphone and that we started to see the data showing us that around that time, more and more children that are younger started to have access to phones.

Speaker 1: 5:03

So what are the recommendations? Recommendations for kids under two is zero screens at all. It may seem cute and like they get really entertained by Cocoa, melon or whatever, but under two, we want their brains interacting with sights, smells, touch. The real world is so important to their talking and walking, language development, facial expression, emotional expression. So under two, we're really trying for zero. Two to five, the recommendation is that children have less than one hour per day, less than three hours on the weekend, and then above that, we used to have recommendations.

Speaker 1: 5:47

Now most places are kind of just trying to say limit as much as you can and and that's because I think there's so much pushback, it's so fiercely out there that recommendations have have. They've struggled to know how to be realistic in this world. But I can tell you, we want to look at the statistics. Statistics show the more exposure to technology, the more likely they are to have mental health challenges. And that's a big deal. Some statistics say nearly 40% of kids between the age of eight and 12 are using social media. It's not supposed to be until 13, but it's clearly happening, younger and younger. So what can we do about it?

Speaker 1: 6:38

If you've struggled with your kids in technology, here's what we've got to do. I want to recommend that you get clear, you get prepared and then you get ready for an extinction burst. First part of that get clear. Get clear with your kids what your new rules are going to be about, how much technology is allowed so that you can, you know, not waver within yourself, and so that they know what is expected and together you can stick to those limits. I mean, technology is like money to our kids. Guys, let's be clear. If you are thinking they're gonna learn to self-monitor or something that's not matching where they're developmentally at when they're in this younger age, we're talking like five to 12 year olds. So five to 12 year olds who you're trying to get off of technology I want you to think about. Okay, if this was like a job they're being giving access to earn a paycheck. Let's be really clear what the agreement is here. We are going to A expect positive behavior to be able to have access to this privilege and, b what is the limit? That is our max, so we're not constantly renegotiating just like you would with money and a paycheck in a job.

Speaker 1: 7:56

So, first side, I do think it's a really valuable thing to tie behavior to technology because they want it so badly and so easy rule. If there's like extremely disrespectful and not responsible behavior, like not being a good boss of their body, not being safe and kind with their words and actions, limiting or removing screen time for the rest of that day I think makes really good sense. I do recommend smaller is more powerful. So taking away screens for the whole week I would save for like major occurrences, like a family that I was working with this week in parent coaching said that their child got in trouble at school for some really disrespectful behavior and the parents had to leave work to come in for special meetings and um, and that's more extreme. I would do more than one day of technology loss in that case. But otherwise less is more. Removing per day makes a lot more sense. And secondly, let's be clear that it's not an unlimited option. But what is it that you're going to generally agree to?

Speaker 1: 9:05

So in our family we agreed to no TV midweek. We only do that on the mornings and evenings on the weekends, where we do a family movie night and the kids have cartoon kind of time in the mornings, weekdays. Both my kids at eight and 10 are allowed three hours total in the week and they split that up as they deem they'd like to. So they have a little piece of paper on the fridge that has half hour, six half hour blocks on it and they cross them off as they use it and once it's gone. If they use it all on Monday, that's up to them. If they want to sprinkle it through the week, that's up to them. But they're not coming to me constantly saying, can I watch TV, can I get on screens, can I do video game time? Because I say, you know, is it within what we agreed on ahead of time and then have your. You know if their behavior has been matching what we've agreed to those two pieces in alignment. They get to self-monitor. So I think this is very healthy and possible when you're looking at kids around five through 12.

Speaker 1: 10:13

Make an agreement of what seems realistic and, thinking through your week, you know if they think they're going to be able to for sure. Then squeeze it in when they got home from gymnastics at seven o'clock on a Wednesday and that's like not going to work for you because it's already a late night. Then be clear about that. Like you've got this freedom but it's a we're not doing it Wednesday because that's our super late night and we got to just get right home, have a snack, get in the shower and get in bed. So be clear. So you're not debating and negotiating in the moment. We know this from countless effective habits of effective people, books that the more decisions you have to make, the less efficient you're going to be with your time and the more likely you're going to get emotional. Hear that again the more decisions you have to make, the less efficient you are with your time and the more likely you are to be emotional. So let's not be debating every time they come to us whether it's okay or not. Okay. Let's just be clear.

Speaker 1: 11:17

The younger kids are, this also can get into their grabbing your phone. Can I look something up? Can I, you know, play a quick game? All of these things I would be clear about. Do you want them to have access to your phone? Can I look something up? Can I, you know, play a quick game? All of these things I would be clear about. Do you want them to have access to your phone or not? Be clear, and when is it okay for them to have access to it? Do they have access to all channels and all apps on TV, or are there limitations? What are the time limitations? Same thing when are they going to have phones? Be clear with them as soon as you can. What you think that limit's going to be.

Speaker 1: 11:48

Side note, in our family it is not until high school, and it's helped a ton to just be clear since the kids were like four and six and started asking you know what? We've already made a plan that it's not happening anytime before you're 14. And don't even ask and we also said 12 for my son to get an Xbox. And let me tell you he reminds us daily, right now, as a 10 year old, that he is counting down the minutes till he turns 12. And I try to respond well, that's the earliest you can have. It doesn't mean when you will absolutely have it, because it will still be based on whether you're being respectful and responsible. So we'll see about that.

Speaker 1: 12:26

But being clear ahead of time helps me to not get emotional, helps me to not waste my time in arguments and debates because I have made the agreement in advance. So get clear First thing. Get clear, secondly, get prepared thing get clear Secondly, get prepared. So I already kind of alluded to this, but you know, having visuals of what you've agreed on really helps those agreements to stay intact. So, like I said with our kids, with the six, three hours, the six blocks of half hour increments, we just drew that on a blank piece of paper, stuck it inside a sheet protector and are able to cross off with a dry erase marker on that. If you want to get fancy, you could get a real cute like dry erase board or chalkboard or whatever you like in your home so that you can cross off and regularly be tracking when they're using their time. Because if it's all just nebulous, kind of held up in your brain, that's not likely going to work. Or there's probably apps also that you might like to track on. So, whatever works for you, I recommend that you have a visual and you sit down with the kids, you explain what the rules are, you make a visual that works for tracking and you put it in a public space. So get prepared with the supplies you need in order to enforce the limits.

Speaker 1: 13:49

Another way to get prepared is like be thoughtful about how you're going to enforce. If you're going to say, you know, if your behavior isn't XYZ, you're not having technology the rest of today, look into how you're able to turn your internet off in your house for the rest of the day. There are things that you can control or families will tell me at. One family I was coaching with said that their two-year-old would go sneak the iPad even when it was past the allotted time and it was like well, get prepared of where else you can keep that iPad. So it's got a parking spot. It's going to regularly go. Let's clear out some plates and find a spot in an upper cupboard that we're regularly going to store it when his allotted time is done. So it's not sneakable.

Speaker 1: 14:37

If kids wake up early and they sneak the remote, make a new plan that the remote is like going to get checked out from your bedroom bedside table, you know in the mornings when they are already dressed and ready for the day and done their breakfast or whatever. So get prepared about how you can enforce limits on their tech time and, third of all, then get ready for an extinction burst. So, my friend, like all things when we set new limits, it likely they push harder before they ease into that limit. So I you know layman's terms, it gets worse before it gets better. We call it the kick the vending machine response Like wait a minute, I thought that I could just sneak the iPad. I thought that I could just get the remote and you wouldn't notice. I thought that I could just ask the iPad. I thought that I could just get the remote and you wouldn't notice. I thought that I could just ask and ask and ask, and sometimes you would say yes and I'd get more on a given week if I kept pestering you.

Speaker 1: 15:33

They're going to keep those old habits of whatever was happening before and push harder, but the more you stick to this is our new agreement and I use that I love you. And the answer is no. That I'm often preaching here. I love you. I hear that you wish you could have more time and I see on your chart that you've already done your three hours and they will ease off the push push pushing and make your life so much easier and they will find other things to do. They will, I promise.

Speaker 1: 16:11

If you're like they're just going to pester me, they're just going to annoy each other, this is the part that I promise you. It can get better. And if you've struggled with giving in or you get mad at how much they are still pushing and you yell at them, you're someone that, within yourself, bounces between overly gentle than overly harsh, or you're in a partnership where one of you is the overly gentle and one is the overly harsh and those responses just hijack this change, then that's something I would love to help you with. Reach out and let's talk about it. I offer a free clarity call where we can look at the options of parent coaching and see what is the best fit for your needs in your family to make the change of you having every tool you need to respond when your kids get resistant, emotional or defiant. All right, friend, I really hope that these ideas serve you this week that you get into being clear and you prepared and that you are ready for that extinction burst. You're not going to be surprised by it and you can ride the wave until it gets better and have a great week again, being that kind and firm parent you've always wanted to be, so that parenting and family time finally feels more fun and sustainable.

Speaker 1: 17:33

Today I want to highlight our listener of the week, who is Daisy Andrea at Strong Mom Fitness. She said amazing resource for parents. I encourage you to download and listen to each and every episode. Thanks so much. And, andrea, if you send us a message and personal messenger, facebook or Instagram, we would love to give you a special bonus access to one of our downloadable courses that are available at sustainable parentingcom. And remember friends if you get value from today's episode, please share it with a friend and leave a review at the bottom of the main podcast homepage by scrolling to the bottom of all episodes, leaving a comment about why you enjoyed the podcast and you could be featured as our listener of the week, winning a special free course in an upcoming episode.