Are you tired of power struggles with your spouse over who is being “too soft” or “too strict”?
Are your kids getting caught in the crossfire of your battling parenting styles?
I’m guessing you are deeply craving more
✔partnership ✔teamwork ✔having each other’s backs.
Today’s episode unveils 2 key questions that help you make a profound shift into a cohesive unit characterized by both kindness and firmness.
By the time you finish listening, you’ll know:
⭐How to maintain a loving connection with your children without sacrificing clear boundaries. ⭐How to build respectful relationships without an iron fist.
And if you’re willing to out in the work, I promise this delicate balance can truly enrich your family's happiness, and move you towards becoming that power couple you always wanted to be.
✨Want more?
1) If you are in a space where you REALLY DESIRE SPACE FOR REJUVENATION, join me on the DAY OPTION, or OVERNIGHT option of the "Rooted and Reaching - Sustainable Parenting Glamping Women's Retreat."
Are you tired of power struggles with your spouse over who is being “too soft” or “too strict”?
Are your kids getting caught in the crossfire of your battling parenting styles?
I’m guessing you are deeply craving more
✔partnership ✔teamwork ✔having each other’s backs.
Today’s episode unveils 2 key questions that help you make a profound shift into a cohesive unit characterized by both kindness and firmness.
By the time you finish listening, you’ll know:
⭐How to maintain a loving connection with your children without sacrificing clear boundaries. ⭐How to build respectful relationships without an iron fist.
And if you’re willing to out in the work, I promise this delicate balance can truly enrich your family's happiness, and move you towards becoming that power couple you always wanted to be.
✨Want more?
1) If you are in a space where you REALLY DESIRE SPACE FOR REJUVENATION, join me on the DAY OPTION, or OVERNIGHT option of the "Rooted and Reaching - Sustainable Parenting Glamping Women's Retreat."
Hello and welcome. You're listening to episode 54 of the Sustainable Parenting Podcast, and today we're talking about healing the divide we can feel between one person in our partnership seeming overly harsh and the other seeming overly permissive or overly gentle. Now, this is a healing story. Today, I want to tell you how I myself, and hundreds of clients I've worked with each year, have been moving away from this place where they are yelling at each other, fighting with each other You're too scary, well, you're too soft and getting to a place where they tell me we finally have each other's back. We're not stepping on each other's toes, we're not having power struggles against each other amid the power struggles we're having with our kids. And, hey, it's even affected our sex life. It's affected our romantic connection. It's making us have so much more joy in our family as a whole. So this is possible for you too, and let's get right into it.
Flora McCormick:
So, first off, I want to give a shout out to a client who was really open and willing to be vulnerable in his story on a Google review that he left about working with me in parent coaching, and so I'm just going to read a few lines from Joe, who shared this review of what he got out of coming to a more unified place with his wife. He said when my wife and I first started sessions with Flora, I'll admit I was super skeptical about the need for them and what I would get out of them. As we talked about our experiences and challenges that we face in raising our kids, I became grateful for the forum Flora provides and what I got out of it. Such a big part of the challenges related to raising kids is communicating, and having the safe space to sit with Flora and talk through recent situations has helped me immensely. This not only leads to us being on the same page in working with our kids, but also facilitates improved communication outside of our sessions. Thanks so much for sharing that story, joe, and so, friend, I want you to think today about where you stand.
Flora McCormick:
Likely, it's so easy to look at our eyeballs and know where our partner stands he is just too harsh or she is just too soft. It's easy to point the finger at the other person, so I'm just going to ask you to drop the finger for a sec. That could be a different finger. When we're really getting upset with each other huh, okay, drop the finger for a sec. That could be a different finger. When we're really getting upset with each other, huh, okay, drop the finger you're pointing and open your heart and mind for just a second to think about these quadrants that we want to picture like a T of an X Y axis, and we've got a section of kindness versus firmness, so you can be high kindness, high firmness. So low kindness, low firmness is just going to mean that you are completely ignoring your children. That's neglect. You would not be listening to a parenting podcast if that was you.
Flora McCormick:
The other two main extremes we can end up in, though, are likely high kindness with low firmness. That's often what can be masked as gentle parenting, but is actually ending up acting more as permissive parenting. You've got a lot of the emotional connection and the relationship, but you're not having very clear boundaries and enforcing those boundaries. You may feel like you have a loving relationship with your child, but also that they walk all over you and that you bounce between being really gentle and then exploding because of frustration about the way they're walking over you. The other end is low kindness but high firmness. The other end is low kindness but high firmness. This is usually a little bit more drill sergeant, where it's like you will do what I said, because I said so and no questions asked, and there's a strength in that. That can be. You know, I'm going to have my kids respect me that's typically the keyword that that parent is focused on. Respect me that's typically the keyword that that parent is focused on. And yet they're also really frustrated that they see that those approaches of trying to lay down the law with the iron fist don't actually result in respect. They may have kids yelling back at them. They may be seeing that the kids just ignore them, walk away, and the firmer they get, the less it's really impacting the child. So both those ends tend to have really good intention but not as good results. So the fourth quadrant is what we want to be shooting for Kindness and firmness at the same time.
Flora McCormick:
The old school way this was defined is authoritarian. The old school way this was defined is authoritarian. It's now something that we know that we can call trauma-informed, healthy parenting. So where we are connecting to emotions, we are validating feelings. We're saying all feelings are allowed and certain actions must be limited. And I can guess that if you're on the other end of this you know listening in with your earbuds you are celebrating one of those two sides. You're like, yes, the feelings need to be valued, all feelings must be accepted, but the other part has not been so loud in your ear that also certain actions must be limited. Maybe the other person's like yes, certain actions must be limited, that's not super firm. It's like I like that part, but, friend, don't forget the first part, that also, all feelings need to be allowed. So all feelings are allowed, certain actions must be limited is like a really good essence of what is kind and firm parenting.
Flora McCormick:
Another key phrase I love you. And the answer is no. We can connect to their feelings and still hold boundaries. I love you and I am not going to allow you to hit me or scratch me. I love you and I am going to have a plan for what will happen when things aren't going well, instead of just hoping for the best.
Flora McCormick:
So, friend, if you have been in this divide where you're really hoping your partner will change, well, right now I want you to think about yourself. Are you someone who has the strength of kindness but you're more challenged with firmness? Or are you that person who has the strength of kindness but you're more challenged with firmness? Or are you that person who has the strength of firmness but is more challenged by including the kindness? Okay, so I want you, right in this moment, to open your heart to the thought that if you could grow that side that is a little bit of a weakness man you could really find yourself coming more to center with your partner.
Flora McCormick:
Because if you have been in that softer place and wishing your partner would be less firm, it's a it's a teeter totter that's always going to look for balance. The more you stretch to kindness, the more the other person's going to stretch to more firmness, and then you don't like their firmness. You're overcompensating with more kindness, and farther and farther away from each other you will get. That was kind of like a Yoda sentence. Farther you will get. Kind of like a Yoda sentence, farther you will get. So, instead of growing apart from each other, I want you to consider what might be required of you to grow more towards your partner's strength so that you together could be in a more kind and firm, balanced place in the middle. Being in that place, like clients of mine, have gotten to where they're finally having each other's back, where they are finally not fighting in front of the kids, where they feel like if they need to walk away because they're overwhelmed, they know their partner is going to step in and carry the torch.
Flora McCormick:
Do the next leg of the run in the same sort of vein of values Maybe not the exact same way, but within the same values. So think about what that might be right now. The second thing I'd like to encourage you to reflect on today, if you're looking to heal that wide divide between you and your partner on today, if you're looking to heal that wide divide between you and your partner is whether you are a more feelings-focused person or a more logic-focused person when things get rocky. When things get rocky, do you tend to want to connect to the emotions and try to heal and comfort with emotional connection, or, when things get rocky, do you tend to go to logic and want to solve the problem, come up with the solutions as quick as possible, like Joe, who I worked with as a client, and his wife. He found that he often jumps right into the solutions and his wife didn't quite have the words to fully express to him how that was landing with her. But there was brokenness there in how they were communicating and how they were not feeling like teammates, because she didn't like when he always just went right to the solution.
Flora McCormick:
So the more that we can identify what it is for ourselves that is our knee-jerk reaction, we can then also notice that the opposite is an area for possible growth and more balance. So if you're like me who tends to jump right into feelings, it has helped me to learn some more tools to do a little more. You know, in another part of the process to lean into problem solving and solutions. And for those of you that jump right into solutions, it can be good to reflect and pause and think about what could it benefit you to to get a little more tools of how to keep that relationship in the forefront. Calm the upset before diving into solutions. Calm the upset before diving into solutions. So we have different ways that our brains work and we can learn how to come a little more middle in that way too, by growing in the side. That is not necessarily our normal strength.
Flora McCormick:
So, friend, this week I'm just coming back from a trip with my husband where we are going to have gone into depth on some, reflecting together on where our partnership is, how we're parenting, what our goals are for our family, what our goals are in continuing to guide character development in our kids and in ourselves, and I want to share some of those reflections with you. So I'm going to be posting those in my Instagram and Facebook If you'd like to follow along and see what insights we had and how we've been able to come more towards. Middle Side note I was raised by a kindergarten teacher and my husband was raised by the warden of the state prison here in Montana, so we did definitely come from very different backgrounds. Don't get me wrong. My kindergarten teacher mom still has a lot of firmness, and his warden of the state prison dad is such a caring and connected human being as well. So there are there are strengths and differences within our backgrounds, and we've worked really hard to try to find ways together to be in that kind and firm balance. At the same time Helps us to fight less with each other, helps us to have each other's back, helps our approach with our kids to come across way more consistent, and they really appreciate that. I think that affects their behavior a lot when they know what to expect from us as a team and friend.
Flora McCormick:
If this is something you've wanted to dive into a little more, I just want to say this is what I love to do in parent coaching. So, after you've reflected on these questions, if you find yourself thinking we'd really like some help with how to get more to this middle place together, reach out, let's connect. That's what I love to do as a parenting coach and I'm doing with couples all the time right now, those that have stepped into the sustainable parenting transformation group, and we'd love to welcome you into our group as well and see you have the quick change in just a few months that hundreds of parents before you have experienced. All right, for now, I hope these questions have helped you to reflect a bit and move you towards being the calm, confident parent that you've always wanted to be, so that parenting finally feels more sustainable.
Flora McCormick:
And, friends, please remember this is a podcast that is intending to serve 200 families this year in our Sustainable Parenting Transformation Program. So if you have gotten value out of this episode, please share it with a friend or family member. And secondly, if you haven't yet left a review. It means the world to us to hear from you. Go down to the end of all of the episodes on your home screen of the podcast and enter the stars and leave a comment. You could be selected as our listener of the week in one of our upcoming episodes.