Sustainable Parenting | Raising Confident Kids with Positive Parenting Strategies

115. Why Yelling Works. And what to do Instead

• Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

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If you’ve ever wondered why yelling seems to “work” in the moment but leaves you feeling disconnected from your child, this episode is for you. We’re exploring how to create a stronger parent-child connection by balancing kindness and firmness—so you can practice calm confident parenting without the guilt or frustration.

In this short episode of our weekly podcast, you’ll discover:

  • Why kids push boundaries and what they’re really asking for
  • How to get kids to listen without yelling or shaming
  • Why being overly gentle often backfires—and how kind and firm parenting creates lasting change
  • A simple CEO approach that blends gentle discipline with positive parenting strategies
  • Practical parenting tips & tools to stop power struggles with kids

If you’re ready for parenting without yelling and want to replace frustration with connection, tune in and learn gentle parenting strategies for raising confident kids while building sustainable parenting habits.


🎧 Want more parenting tips & tools?

Check out Episode 71: 3 Steps That Get Kids to Listen—a great intro to the CEO method: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/71-3-steps-that-get-kids-to-listen/id1682538739?i=1000665256022. 

And don’t miss next week’s episode, where we’ll talk about how to control your anger as a parent—without raising your voice.

✨Want more?

✨ Schedule a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting, so we can answer any questions you may have. Together, we'll make a plan for your best next steps to have more calm & confidence in parenting - while having kids that listen!:)

✨ Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen, for strategies that take you out of the "gentle mom - monster mom" cycle, with effective positive parenting strategies.

✨ Sign up for an upcoming LIVE ONLINE workshop with Flora, or purchase a past replay: https://sustainableparenting.com/workshop where you get 30 min. of learning and 30 min. of LIVE Q & A time, with replays sent afterwards.

✨ Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

Speaker 1:

The reason that yelling works comes down to one super simple thing, and I think you'll hear it in this story. So there was a time with my son where I was so frustrated that I had to keep repeating myself, repeating myself and then finally yelling to get his attention to do the things that needed to be done to get out the door. I would be telling him come on, we have to get your shoes on. You still haven't packed your lunch. Oh, my gosh, we are going to be late. Why aren't your shoes on yet? And where's your coat? And then we get into the car. It's like we didn't get your coat. Oh gosh, dude, and I'm like a growler. That's my oh, that's like a grunt, that's my frustration place. And then I'd be like dude, you are making this so hard.

Speaker 1:

I'd say things like that I really didn't want, that's not how I want to end my morning after I send him off to school, and yet it would feel like that's the only thing that would finally get his attention. Come on, we have to go, and then he would start moving. But guess what? And something changed when I made a tiny shift, and it was this I said to him here's the deal I'm going to be getting in the car at 7.55. If you're ready, I'm happy to drive you. If you're not, you can walk or ride your bike. We live close enough to the school that that is possible. And when the moment came that he was not ready and I just said sounds like you're riding your bike, he huffed, he was upset, he got himself to school, came home, guess what, next morning, morning after morning, after such a different kid. So I thought to myself this is exactly that thing that I work with so many parents on. It is not that it's the yelling that was working. What was working was that he knew I meant it.

Speaker 1:

Our kids are wired to push the boundaries, you guys I mean. One time I saw on a hospital website a kid's job is to test rules and boundaries to see what happens when they do. Oh, it's so brutal and painful. I wish that didn't have to be their job, because guess what that means? My job as the mom is to hold the clear boundaries when they're pushing up and trying to find where they exist. That's our job to hold kind and firm boundaries. So why does yelling work? Why yelling works is because they know you finally mean it. And for many people, what I find when they reach out to me is that they are in this cycle of yelling because they're using a lot of other tools that do not have the structure enough that shows they mean what they say and they say what they mean. So if we're always just like, please, honey, can we do this, how about if we try it this way? We're always just focused on them being happy enough through the process or them being agreeable.

Speaker 1:

Through the process of trying to get out the door or moving through the upset of them not liking what's going on, friend, we set ourselves up to end up having to yell. And it's because there's this balance there is a constant, I swear, a universe balance between kindness and firmness, if you are overly kind in terms of not holding boundaries and being wishy-washy about when you have a certain consequence or not, or wishy-washy about when you're going to remind 17 times and when you're going to be upset after two. If that is not clear, the universe says I guess we have to go to the other end and finally put you in a place where you're going to be super firm and want to yell and control the situation. There just is an equilibrium. It's not your fault, it's not anything that means that you are a bad mom or dad. It's just, I swear, the universe's balance. And so, friend, if you want to change that cycle and the other key thing that happens here is, then we end up in a guilt spiral back and forth, where, because we've blown up, we feel guilty and we might overly compensate.

Speaker 1:

This also can happen in that balance where if someone's overly harsh and only yelling every time to get a child's attention, they feel bad and then do things like just try to buy them an extra toy when they came home from a work trip or let them have more tech time than you really agreed to, thinking somehow that's going to balance out and have a more positive relationship with your child. But it's not Neither end of that spectrum and bouncing back and forth builds a respectful, responsible child who turns into a respectful, responsible adult. So the reason yelling works is they know you mean it. They are seeking boundaries, they're seeking to know the edge, and the truth is they like, once they finally feel clear on where your boundary is, there's some amount of them. That's like okay. And do you know what that is? That's because it's a piece of attachment. An underrated aspect of attachment is predictability, clarity that we know where that boundary is. So, friends, let's figure out the better way to give them the clarity that we mean what we say and the clarity of predictability, and that is to have healthy, kind and firm ways to mean what you say and say what you mean. And, friend, that's what I teach in my signature CEO.

Speaker 1:

Template of sustainable parenting is we can end what I call the cuckoo cycle. Just commands and consequences. Cuckoo commands, consequences. Or another parent added in floor. I think you need to add the third C is control. It's all about we're trying to have commands, consequences and control be what changes their behavior. That's what yelling is often about. And instead we move into CEO, which is an acronym for the three main steps that, when you go through those steps, it drastically changes your child feeling like they understand where the boundary is in a kind and firm way.

Speaker 1:

So, friend, if you want to learn more about this, I have a link down below in my clarity call. I have a link down below that connects you with me or one of my associates to be able to have a clarity call or session to start moving you forward so that you can replace yelling with something else that means you mean it. We take the mean out of saying what you mean so you can parent with kindness and firmness at the same time. Thank you, and if you want a short intro into what that system looks like, episode 110 has a great summary of some aspects of CEO. That's from May 20.

Speaker 1:

And if you want some more tip, if you, if you want to understand this CEO piece, this CEO acronym, and get some beginning tools with around that, please check out episode 110, which is why kids don't listen, and three simple solutions for better communication. And if you want to dive deeper, let's connect, because that's what I do, one-on-one, in a personalized way with families through parent coaching. Myself or one of my associates would be happy to meet with you to quickly get you into a better place, where you are parenting with kindness and firmness at the same time and parenting finally feels sustainable. And, friend, don't forget to come back next week as we're going to talk about and friend join me next week. And and friend join me next week. And and friend join me for my next episode, where we'll be talking about how to control your anger as a parent without yelling, because, let's be honest, there are a lot of pieces that lead us to get angry and I want to help you to unlock your most calm, confident self as a mom or dad. See you then.