Sustainable Parenting | Raising Confident Kids with Positive Parenting Strategies

128. The One Phrase That Works When Kids Ignore You

• Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

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Does your child suddenly “lose their hearing” the moment you ask them to pick up their shoes, come to the table, or turn off the tablet? You’re not alone—and you’re not going crazy. In this episode, we’ll unpack why kids pretend not to hear you and how to break the exhausting cycle of repeating yourself over and over.

By the time you finish listening, you will know:

  • Why kids really tune us out (and it’s not because they’re disrespectful).
  • The “connect before you direct” approach that makes kids instantly more responsive.
  • How to stop the power struggle of the child ignoring and you repeating yourself 17 times... all the while getting to the end of your rope, ready to scream.
  • The one magic phrase that cuts through the ignoring act almost every time.

Friend, parenting with kindness and firmness doesn’t mean raising your voice—it means finding simple tools that bring more calm and cooperation at home. This episode will show you how.

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✨ Download the FREE pdf. on getting kids to listen, for strategies that take you out of the "gentle mom - monster mom" cycle, with effective positive parenting strategies.

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✨ Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

SPEAKER_00:

Have you ever felt like you're living with a child who has a very selective hearing problem? Like you ask them to put on their shoes, silence. Call them to the table, crickets. But funny enough, the second you whisper the word cookie from three rooms away, they come running? Yeah. I've been there, friend, and you are not alone. Today we're gonna unpack why kids pretend not to hear us and what we can do so you're not stuck repeating yourself 10 times a day. Stick with me till the end because I'm gonna share the one magic phrase that cuts through this I can't hear you response almost every time. I'm Flora McCormick, licensed therapist, parenting coach, and early childhood mental health consultant with almost 20 years' experience working with families like yours that are tired of carrying both the stroller and the child and the bike home from the park, tired of missing out on family or friend events because you're embarrassed or worried your kid is going to have an explosion or meltdown, or frustrated and exhausted at the end of each day because of all of the battles that might even lead to the one where you're laying in bed for an hour just to get them to go to sleep. Friend, you're in the right place, and I'm so glad you're here. Hello and welcome to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast. Let me tell you, friend, this place is different. We fill that gap between gentle parenting and harsh discipline that's really missing to parent with kindness and firmness at the same time. And give you the exact steps to be able to parent in ways that are more realistic and effective, and for that reason, finally feel sustainable. Welcome. So we're gonna jump into the one magic phrase that cuts through the I can't hear you ignoring that children can do to us. Before we do that, quickly I want to share a recent review that was from Zach. Zach K 1986 said, I love my kids, but parenting is the most challenging thing I've ever done. And listening to this podcast has given me great tools on how to set boundaries, have time for myself, and understand that the hard parts of parenting that I'm doing now will help my kids thrive as they grow older. Sustainable parenting has become my go-to parenting resource. First of all, Zach, thank you so much for sharing that because it helps other parents to know what's possible for them too. And if you're listening now and you enjoy today's podcast or have enjoyed one in the past but haven't left a review, I would so appreciate it. It's the biggest way you can help this podcast and help other parents. You can do so by scrolling to the bottom of all episodes, clicking on the fifth star, and then leaving a short comment. Alright, so what to do when kids are pretending they can't hear you. First of all, let's acknowledge how incredibly maddening this is. You're juggling dinner, backpacks, maybe even a younger sibling, and it feels like you're shouting into the void. It's like the more you repeat yourself, the more invisible you feel in your own home and with your own kids. It is maddening. It's exhausting. It is frustrating. And here's the thing: our kids aren't actually going deaf. You know it. You know if you whisper a cookie, they can hear it from like a mile away. But what's really going on is a mix of brain development, attention, and power dynamics. And when we understand that correctly, it makes all the difference in the world. So let's unpack this. We're gonna be getting to that one magic phrase that really gets kids to hear you. And to get there, first I want to talk about why they're not hearing you. There are four main reasons that your kids don't really, quote, hear you in certain moments when really they're ignoring you. What I mean is there are four key reasons your kids ignore you. The first is, let's be honest, hyper focus. I mean, if we could really jump inside the body of our child, stand in their tiny little velcro shoes, and look out their eyes with their messy t-shirts, we would see and feel a little bit more of what they're actually engrossed in. Their minds are rich with a world of imagination and playfulness that is totally disconnected from our world that is focused on getting out the door on time, having teeth be brushed, and getting to the dinner table, right? Their agenda is not the same as our agenda. So they get hyper-focused on their internal world and what they are into in a moment. So sometimes it's just they're really into wherever their brain is. Second thing of why our kids sometimes don't quote hear us or they ignore us, they might be testing power. It may be their way of communicating. We believe in child therapy and psychology that all behavior is communication. So sometimes ignoring is a way of saying, like, do you really mean it? Can I ignore you? The third reason our kids might be ignoring us is overload. If we have been saying 75 commands in a row, it becomes the Charlie Brown teacher or mom voice, right? If you ever watch Charlie Brown cartoon, it's like wah wah wah wah wah was always the adult voice in the other room. And man, if I say to you right now, get your shoes on, don't forget your backpack, get on your bike, oh, don't forget your helmet. Oh, be careful, look where you're going, make sure you look both ways before you cross. Okay, you're going a little too slow. Come on, let's hurry up. We're gonna be late. So many instructions, it can start to just become background noise. So there are strategies that we can shift to get our kids to be more tuned in and our voice not get so droned out by the repetition of command, command, command. Side note on that, if you'd like more tools specifically around the opposite of repeating yourself several times, check out episode 115, How to Get Kids to Listen Without Yelling. And along with that, don't forget to subscribe to this podcast so that you don't miss any upcoming strategies that can help you have more calm and ease in your home. Reason number four our kids often don't listen is we've trained them not to. What are you talking about, Flora? I'm not training them not to. I am specifically saying it over and over so that they will finally start listening. Ooh, but wait a minute. If we pause, think of those words that just came out of your mouth. You're repeating yourself to train them to do it after one response, but actually what they're learning is they don't have to do it until you get angry. So have we trained them that they don't really have to listen till the 15th time when we get angry? If so, that might be the reason they don't respond the first time we ask. And for more on that, I would check out episode 110, Simple Solutions around kids not listening. And if you have a bestie who does not know the sustainable tricks and tools to have more ease in life, go to the top of the episodes and find the link to share podcast and send it on over to that bestie. Today's a great day for it. So if we can notice all those things contributing, how do we turn it around? Here's the good news. You don't have to yell or nag to be heard. There are three strategies that connect into the magic phrase that is going to be your go-to solution. And I watched this all play out the other day when I watched my five-year-old nephew playing with Play-Doh at my table. He was playing with his Play-Doh and just enthralled in it, loving it. And I was like, I'll call him Jason. Jason, we gotta quit um doing this because it's time to get up for our rest time. No response. Jason, did you hear me? No response. And then I did these three things and he listened. He heard me. Here's what I did. First thing was connect before you direct. So I had tried to connect, I thought, by saying, Hey Jason, but a lot of times that's not enough to get our kids to really feel prompted. So I went over closer to him, physically put a hand on his hand that was on the play-doh, so that kind of stopped the movement. And I looked caringly in his eyes and I kind of directed him to look at my eyes. Hey, hi, Jason. And then I connected to what he was in the middle of, also, physically connected and verbally connected. Boy, I can see you've had so much fun with this play-doh. This has been really cool. You and Eva have been playing for like 30 minutes. Okay, then step two, focus on what needs to happen in a way that involves choice. You know, it's time to get on up to our rest time and put this away. And then I gave a choice. Do you want to put away the Play-Doh tools or the Play-Doh itself? And I'll do the other one. And he picked and we moved forward without a tantrum, without dispute, we move forward. So when your child pretends not to hear you, I want you to think about this magic phrase. What the child is really looking for is a voice and a choice. A voice meaning they are looking for you to be able to name what is happening for them. Give their actions a voice. That behavior is communicating something. It's communicating in a way that their little three-year-old, five-year-old, eight-year-old self is not quite able to maturely say. So say it for them. Look in their eyes, connect physically, and say for them what you wish they would be able to say. My gosh, you're having such a hard time. It is hard to stop playing this. You wish you could stay here forever. This has been so much fun. Give a voice to what you see that resistant behavior kind of saying. And you can do that. You can stand in their shoes and imagine if I was really loving something I was in the middle of, whether it's scrolling Facebook or being out at a, you know, mom date with my friends. What would I be feeling if I was being told it's time to end that and do something else? Stand in those shoes and try as just authentically and really um compassionately to name what that would feel like. Boy, I bet you're feeling dot dot dot. It seems like this is hard because dot dot dot. I see that you've been having so fun dot because dot dot dot. Name it, give it a voice, and then give it a choice. In the middle there, you kind of just state what has to happen. So you gave it a voice. It's hard to stop playing, then state what has to happen. It's time to go up to our rest, it's time to get home from the park, or it's time to get in the car so we can go do dinner. And then choice. Kids thrive on their brain being asked to choose between two things because if you don't give them two things, then they are going to make the choice for you, which is gonna be the choice between yes or no. Hear that again, friend. If you don't give them choices, they are gonna make the choice for you. And those choices are gonna be between yes or no. Here's what I mean. Again, back to Jason, my nephew. If I were to just say to him, okay, so you've had fun playing play-doh, time to go. He could have the choice to either say yes or no. No, I don't want to. And then we're in a battle. When I've given voice and then choice, it's about focusing on, you know, we've had so much fun and it's really hard to leave. Do you want to put this away or that away? It shifts his brain to choosing between those things and we move forward. So giving two choices or for older kids saying, what's your plan for cleaning this up? A wider choice, really changes the whole dynamic of the child hearing you and listening with responsive behavior. So, friend, the truth is it's not a hearing problem. We don't need to take him to the hearing aid doctor or anything like that. But what your child is looking for is clarity, consistency, and connection. The more you follow through with these tools, the more you'll see that pretending not to hear you isn't really what it's about. And you'll be surprised how quickly they quote, find their hearing again. If today's episode was helpful, please make sure to tune in next week with us. Where I'll be sharing about what to do when you start to avoid play dates because your child is hitting, scratching, or screaming. See you then, Fred.