Sustainable Parenting | Positive Discipline for Raising Resilient Kids

145. What Your "Difficult" Child Wants You to Know

• Flora McCormick, LCPC, Parenting Coach

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 12:39

If one of your kids is pushing every button you have—and you’re wondering why parenting feels so hard with them lately—this episode is for you.

Drawing from Positive Discipline and the wisdom of Rudolf Dreikurs, we explore what children are really asking for when their behavior feels irritating, defiant, or attention-seeking. Often, it’s a need for significance and belonging—not stricter consequences or longer explanations.

In this episode, I share:

  • How to correctly decode difficult behavior.
  • How to respond with kind and firm parenting that is WAY more effective (and less exhausting).
  • Simple shifts that reduce power struggles and frustration.

This is a compassionate, realistic approach to how to get kids to listen more cooperatively without yelling or shame—supporting both raising resilient kids and your own sense of calm.

✨Want more?

✨JOIN me in an upcoming event: https://sustainableparenting.com/events

✨ Get my 3 KEYS to Calm, Confident Parenting (30 min. FREE webinar) - https://view.flodesk.com/pages/63640a05c74edb4b6bdce1f3

✨ Buy a 3 session Coaching Bundle (saving you $100) - for THREE 30-min sessions 1:1 with ME, where we get right to the heart of your challenges, and give you small, powerful shifts that make a huge difference fast.

✨Schedule a FREE 20 min clarity call with Sustainable Parenting, so we can answer any questions you may have about working with Flora.

✨Purchase a $19 short course on Etsy✨

The Sustainable Parenting Approach

Naming The Quiet Confessions

Meet “Jason” And His Patterns

Seen And Significant: The Reframe

Stop Wanting The Child You “Ought”

The Podcast Kid And Misread Laziness

Significance And Belonging Foundations

Two-Sided Coin Of Strengths

Giving Control To Grow Self-Leadership

Volunteering Story That Transforms Behavior

Useful Involvement Beats Power Struggles

Next Steps And Teaser For Leadership

SPEAKER_00

If there has been a child in your life that just pushes your buttons or even pisses you off regularly, this episode is for you. And it's not about fixing them, it's actually about understanding what they are quietly or maybe loudly with their defiance and back talk, asking for. What is underneath the behavior that this child would love you to know? Hey friend, welcome back to the Sustainable Parenting Podcast, where we bridge the gap between overly gentle parenting and overly harsh discipline so that you finally have the joy and ease you've been missing. When you are parenting with kindness and firmness at the same time, ugh, parenting finally feels sustainable. You have dependable calm and resilience built in your child. I'm your host, Flora McCormick, licensed therapist, parenting coach, and I'm so glad you're here. I get to see behind the curtain of a lot of parents' pain. I get to sit with them in a private space where they often are saying for the first time openly to someone else, I love my kid, but lately or often, I don't even like them. And it makes me start hating motherhood and it makes me feel bad about myself and I'm embarrassed. No one else knows this flora. And I want you to know if you are sitting here relating to that, you're not alone. And it doesn't mean that something's really, really wrong with your kid or really, really wrong with you. And when we have those children and we didn't really get a playbook for what to do in those scenarios, or worse, we were a similar child as a kid, and our parents handled those things in very hurtful ways. So all we know is what we really don't want to do, it's very easy to feel stuck. So let's talk about Jason. Jason is a kid that easily gets his feelings hurt. It's like you're walking on eggshells whenever you're around him. It feels like the slightest thing can make him mad. And on the reverse, it's also very confusing because he can be incredibly hurtful to others and have a bite with his words that is so sharp, it's like he doesn't even seem to care about how much he can be hurtful. Many Jasons are wishing their parents would just hear the message they're trying to send in a really ineffective way because they're two, six, eleven and don't know how to effectively send it. Your Jason in your life may be craving more of a sense of feeling seen and significant. So if your kid's been a pain in the butt having attitude, being rude, ignoring you, I know this is a very different angle, but let's stand in Jason's shoes for just a second. If he first of all doesn't feel appreciated for his uniqueness, like he's very energetic and you're wishing he was more calm, or he's very docile and you're wishing he was more adventurous. If he's sitting there feeling that sense of not being who you want him to be, and being that, he may be getting messages from you that like, uh, why can't you just be or you have nothing to give to this system? That wouldn't feel good, right? When parents of kids that have a Jason that is pushing all their buttons step into looking for ways to give have them be more seen and have more significance in the family. I have seen it be transformational. And hey, it's so much easier than what kind of consequences can we give? What's the right lecture we're gonna give? You know, how are we gonna get through to this kid? What things can we take away from him and all of that battle? I've seen way better results taking this angle. So that kid that's a pain in your side today, I invite you to see it with a lens that he is asking for a way to be seen and appreciated for his unique self and to have more of a sense of significance in the family. Seen and significant. What do those two things mean? First of all, seen. I often find parents of Jasons end up wishing their kid could be someone else. Like, why is he so sensitive? Why is he so difficult? Have you been focused on the child you ought, not the child you got? Wishing, hoping, thinking someday maybe this kid will be more like dot dot dot. If so, I invite you today to know that child feels that. And they are screaming inside or screaming out loud at you in their behavior in some way to try to get to let you know that hurts, and they are starving for you to open your lens a little wider, see there you need genius and creativity and style and what they love and what fills their cup and say, that's cool. Wow, I'm learning to uncover who you are, and I want to enhance helping you be more of yourself in a way that benefits you and society, instead of expecting you to be just like me or like something else I thought you would be. I remember talking to one family who was telling me about how their kid loves to listen to podcasts. I remember talking to one family where mom, who I'll call Jessica, was complaining about how frustrating it was that her kid would waste an entire Saturday. And I was like, oh gosh, yeah, that would be frustrating. She's like, he's just so lazy, he's doing nothing. And as we dug into it, I was like, gosh, that would totally be frustrating. This kid is 12, and you don't want him to be just lazy and they're in a very active family. Well, as we dug into it, what was actually happening was he could listen to podcasts all day long. He would sit in his room, not harming anyone, not making a mess, just pouring over these podcasts because his brain is like craving that. That's what he's into. But mom could easily interpret that as wasting time and being lazy. And that's because she was like a really avid skier and wanted to be out and biking and hiking and skiing, and there's nothing wrong with that. What does come up challenging is when we think our child should be a certain way, and we don't see them for who they are, what their uniqueness is. So, first and foremost, our kids want to be seen for who they are, loved on, enjoyed. And if you want a few tips on how to do that, go to my last episode where I talked about three small gestures that really fill up the love cup in special, tangible, really specific ways. And that might give you some ideas to further give that specific feedback to your child that you love who they are. Next, your Jason in your life may be craving more of a sense of significance. Now we know this from Rudolf Dreikers, who was a researcher and child psychologist, and is the foundation of much of child psychology today in our best evidence-based practices. He said that kids need a sense of significance and belonging. And actually, he found this was like the social drive of all humans, but especially our kids when they're misbehaving, often it's a sign that they're missing that. And we know in positive discipline, we talk about a misbehaving child is a discouraged child. Kids who feel good do good. Now, that phrase has always irked me a little because it feels very overly simplistic. Like, oh gosh, every time my kid isn't doing good, does that mean they don't feel good? Ugh, but really, if we boil it, boil it, boil it down, that it kind of is that simple. There's something not jiving for them. They don't know how to contribute in a meaningful way to what the family is doing. They don't know how they can fit in being their unique, different self. They may be someone who really does have big emotions and are more sensitive. And they they don't like how it disrupts the family as much as you don't like how it disrupts the family, but they don't know what to do with it and they are craving how to feel like there's some significance to their emotion. One of my favorite ways to do this is to talk to a child about how that challenge is probably one side of a two-sided coin. I'll say to my son Caleb, I'm like, you know what, buddy? You you get so like flustered at yourself for not being the best on your basketball team. And this is something that is both going to be your greatest strength and your greatest challenge in life. That you want to be the best. Of course, that's good. That makes you work hard. That makes you have a lot of heart in the game when you're there. And on the on the hard side, it means you get very discouraged and can be tempted to want to give up when you aren't the best. Pointing out both sides of the coin, I find gives them space to not just feel bad about that challenge, but to also see there are strengths in that challenge. So looking for ways they can feel significant even if they are sensitive, even if they are strong-willed, being like, how can I help this kid be a leader in our household? Often a way to frame that if you have a child that's a pain in your butt because they're always trying to take control of the situation by digging their heels in. How can you give control so they feel significant in a positive way? For really little kids, that might be as easy as using asking instead of telling, like, what's your plan for getting this cleaned up? Or, hey, it's time to go upstairs. Do we want to go right side up or upside down? What part do you want to clean up? What part do you want me to clean up? We're leaving the park in a few minutes. Should I set the timer for three minutes or four? Those are all ways to help a younger child feel empowered. And for older kids, it can be like, how can we give you more ownership, more ways to belong in this family by being involved usefully? It's one of my favorite thoughts from Positive Discipline about let's look at this child that is very discouraged and showing it in ways that are just a pain in my side, and wonder how could I give him more of a sense of belonging and significance by involving him usefully instead of, gosh, can't you guys just play nicely, pull him in to make dinner with you? How can you give them a sense of significance with that unique person they are? I think of my friend Jessica, who I began my parent coaching work with 15 years ago in Missoula, and she had a son who was being a pain in the butt to his siblings and was, you know, back talking when he was asked to do his chores. And after a positive discipline workshop, she took this principle and said, you know, this kid loves animals. And so I've wanted to like get him into volunteering for years, and it finally just gave me that nudge to do be like, we're doing it. And I reached out to the local animal shelter, found out he could volunteer one weekend a month, and he now has been doing that for three months, and it has changed this kid. He's more cooperative, he's more friendly, he's just like spontaneously kind to his siblings. I had no idea that just giving him a role of significance, something to do that felt meaningful to him in this volunteer role was going to transform so many challenging behaviors. That story has always stuck with me when I think of this concept and how powerful it can be to move the dial for a kid that is really frustrating you into more calm and ease and joy in the home. All right, friend, and next week we're gonna talk about our leadership in parenting. If you've been frustrated that you feel like your kid does not allow you to go to bed at the time you want to, does not allow you to cook the meals that you want to, will not ever give you calm in the car rides, and it just feels like it's a little tiny tyrant is ruling the roost. If that's something you're struggling with, please join me next week. Listeners, if you need parenting advice, talk to my mom. Sustainable parenting with Flora McCormick.