Enablers are people who either directly trigger us to binge or indirectly make it easier for us to binge by adding more to our pain and stress. This gives them a sense of power over you and can be very difficult to go through especially when trying to make changes in your own life. In this episode we discuss the power struggle and the ultimate goal when it comes to Enablers.
Enablers are people who either directly trigger us to binge or indirectly make it easier for us to binge by adding more to our pain and stress. This gives them a sense of power over you and can be very difficult to go through especially when trying to make changes in your own life. In this episode we discuss the power struggle and the ultimate goal when it comes to Enablers.
Hello and welcome to another episode of beyond the bench My name is Moe, America, dietitian and paperchain specialists in every episode, I do my best to bring you closer to a life free of binge eating. So you can live your best life physically, mentally and emotionally and not worry about binge eating and all the problems that brings into your life and today we're going to be talking about enablers. If you struggle with binge eating, you know how frustrating it must be to have enablers in your life. As if it's hard enough struggling with losing control of your actions and your own enablers. Our people in our life who either make it easy for us to binge, or straight up trigger us to binge. I've personally struggled with enablers big time and found that very frustrating when I found myself at ground zero again after doing my best for a while to stop a certain behavior. I've experienced this both in my benching and my smoking addiction. When you're in the middle of a big storm or like an addiction, and you're just kind of like bingeing away every day, regardless of what's going around your neighbors don't really matter then because you kind of triggered anyways, you have that daily habit or few times a week habit going on and enablers kind of like take a little bit of a backseat, they just kind of become part of it. So they just almost like kind of like it's like actually like they like the cherry on top. So just reinforced the behavior that you're stuck in but not really focused on them, then as much as you kind of focus on getting all those storm. It is when you're actively trying to stop benching, or quit an addiction that enablers truly shine. So it's like basically you're climbing a ladder and enabler comes out of nowhere with their behavior words, your attitude and literally shakes a ladder from underneath you causes you to fall. So enablers can be total strangers, family members, friends, or even co workers. And, as a matter of fact, many people, the majority of people I've worked with have struggled with enablers, enablers. And as the strangers carrying members, friends, and even co workers. The most difficult type of enablers are the ones who you can't seem to get away from. So they can be co workers you see daily, or you have to interact with or they can be loved ones that you live with family members that are in your life everyday. And even when trying to establish boundaries, it might cause a huge uproar because some neighbors don't understand boundaries. And if you'd like you're trying to change them or rejects them, though, it becomes very difficult to even engage in that conversation with them. And this could cause it can cause a lot of stress on the thought of it can just kind of like, you know, might deter you from even mustering up the courage to talk about the boundaries. Because just talking about it seems like it's just gonna, you know, go nowhere and just kind of bring a whole other different fight and stress that comes with it. But having enabled in your life doesn't have to be a bad thing. So we can actually reframe it to actually work in our favor. And I know it sounds crazy, but bear with me here, I'm going to share with you three personal stories, I'm sure you could be able to relate to and let you in on what was happening in my mind. So you can see what needs to happen for you to regain control and render any neighbors in your life powerless. Because this is ultimately the most important one is that we need to make sure that they have no power over our actions anymore. With enablers we feel like we lose our our control and we lose our power because somebody else is literally affecting what you're doing. And with bingeing, somebody else's actions, or words or behavior is causing you to put things in your body you don't want to be putting. So that's why it can feel super, super powerless. And it seems like they have all the power. The ultimate twinning is when we remove that power from them and regain that power. But first, we must understand what goes on internally within us so that we can understand what needs to be done for that to happen. So let me share these three stories. The first story I have to share is the story of the first time I moved to Canada at the age of 19. I believe I was coming from Egypt, I had just transferred universities and I was moving to from Egypt to Canada, I had just come here hadn't known anybody at all, had just left my entire family, everybody that I loved back home, no friends at all over here and had two huge bags that I was dragging along and made my way to the apartment building that we managed to get at least going in through a friend of mine. And as soon as I entered the building, I asked for the building manager and the building manager asked me where's your tenant insurance? And I just come from the country that does that I wasn't even paying my own rent or understand anything that was going on. So I was like, I don't know what tenant insurance is that just came here. I just want my keys. She's like, if you don't have that insurance, I can give you your keys. And I was like well, I have no idea what to do. I just this is like, I've never been here before and where am I gonna go which is like, I don't really care. No, no keys, no insurance, no keys. And she's I can to add on top of that. She was like kind of like being smug about it and just kind of like, you know, talking to me talking me down big time and actually being angry with me, which I wasn't really sure why. I mean, she wasn't the one who's gonna be sleeping outdoors. So that on top of that she was like, well, it's Friday. And actually this Monday is long weekend. So you won't be able to get an insurance before Tuesday. So sorry, I ended up walking away that day dragging my two huge bags behind me crying really hard because I felt super rejected and not welcomed and finally mustered the just like some strength in found like a motel online where I just checked in and immediately thought about food found the KFC next to me and ordered a huge meal that I finished and down and felt disgusted afterwards, I had like a huge bench that day. And I remember these feelings still from that day, because I felt super alone, super unwelcome and it was like a horrible start. And that is a story of how a stranger can be an enabler is that person I've ever met in my life before, put me in a situation where I felt like I lost control over my eating and my and my habits. So what this woman triggered in my mind, actually, let's, let's take a look underneath the hood a little bit. And before actually, I go on further, I just want to say that this that my journey in Canada started on the wrong foot for me personally, but it has not been nothing but amazing. And I've made a lot of friends here, I feel feel very, very welcome over here. Canadians are among the nicest people I've ever met in my life. And I have a family here now. And it is a success story. So please don't feel bad for me. I just think that Canadians are horrible people at all. So let's look at what happened to me in that moment right now. So what this woman I think happened because a woman triggered in my mind was a belief that I'm not welcomed or accepted. So it's actually in turn, like she was there just being herself. And whatever capacity that is in being herself. If it's negative or positive, whatever it is, obviously, it was being that it was negative to me at the time. But she was there just acting the normal way she acts and that triggered habit to trigger a belief belief in me. And that belief was I'm not welcoming not to be accepted. The belief is painful. So when it surfaces, it causes an overwhelming amount of pain. So when a surface to my head, being somewhere completely new, out of my comfort zone already in pain, because I had left my family and loved ones behind. And all of a sudden, something gets triggered inside me that says you know what? Yes, you're not welcome here that causes a lot of pain. And as a rule, the brain moves away from pain and seeks pleasure. And so no wonder. I know I was triggered to binge at the time because bingeing food was the only thing that was familiar to me at the time. It brought pleasure to me, and the feeling of being alone and now walked and brought a lot of pain, and there was no way to escape it because it was it's, it's what felt like was the reality then. Now, the question is, was it true? Is it really true that I was not welcome there? And truth is, of course not absolutely not one person does not speak for the rest of the country. But it is how you feel the moment that causes you to act in that way. And that is that happens often as I hear stories of people who, who end up benching because a stranger said something negative to them, or they got rejected from a job interview, or somebody made a remark or anything like that, or somebody even gave them like a bad look. And they understood that they thought that maybe they're looking at them, because of because potentially, like they notice something about them that they don't like but in reality, this person could be giving you a bad look because they just constipated when they were looking at you. So you never really know. Right? So many, many times enablers can be strangers. Now let's look at the second story. With a co worker. Something that I experienced out over here is when I was completing one of my internships as a dietitian, and that was like six years ago who knows like is going becoming a dietitian is a process you have to do dietetic school. So it's like four years, and then you got to do a year of internships, split into three different internships, and they're unpaid. And then you got to take a licensing exam. And so during one of my internships, I had a supervisor that was very, very difficult. she lacked total empathy in her treatment, and I was a student then not even getting paid to work full time jobs. So that was like enough on its own. Plus working like full time. This one day, myself, another intern, were working hard from ATM and at 3pm. We drove with our supervisor, and had to interview a farm owner as part of a study we were helping with. So we sat through the interview, which took a couple hours and then got back to the office later. 5pm already like an hour past our past the time we're supposed to leave which is for as we were about to leave or supervisor realized she never pressed the record button on the recorder and so missed the entire interview. In a panic mode, she asked us both to stay until 7pm that day to recall what the interview was about and to write down as much as possible from our immediate memory. So she freaked out that we will not be able to bring out that like, you know, actually have the interview again, we because that was like a one time thing. And she didn't want to wait another day because she was like, well, we're gonna forget it. So we stayed that day to seven pmw to think about it, and we were both hungry and exhausted. We weren't offered to go get any food or anything like that. But I'm also super scared to ask for a break or to go get some food because our future was technically in the hands of our supervisor, and nobody wanted to do something that could, you know, make her think that we are, you know, just not worthy of getting a good grade. So it's just typical student behavior when we were young and afraid, or was even more difficult was when she took out her snack box to eat and didn't offer any of us anything at all. So she was eating in front of us and didn't offer any of us any of us anything at all. I was exhausted and starving that day, and ended up biking home and picking up a whole cheesecake on the way home and finishing it done mine because I was super hungry, super exhausted. And it didn't feel like you know, the work I was putting in was appreciated. And obviously after that binge, I felt super disgusted, because she makes sure to finish it your whole cheesecake on your own can be very, very difficult on your stomach. When I look back, I realized that this supervisor literally like had had a problem. She she didn't know how to emphasize and would often say socially inappropriate things and had nothing to do with me whatsoever or the other intern. But still, when you're overly consumed by negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself, it decreases your awareness about others and your judgment. And so that's what it put me at a point that put me at a point where I felt that potentially, you know, like, how come she didn't offer us anything or break or anything like that? Maybe she thinks that we're just like students and who are we to even like, you know, be doing this is just like a lot of negative internal talk going on at the time. I have countless stories when it comes to co workers. Another quick one is I've had another supervisor who constantly called me dipshit and gave me very long chores that had nothing to do with being a dietitian, shattered grudge against me from day one. And to this day, I don't answer don't know why. And after a long day of work, I would go home and smoke to help relieve the stress. I was trying to actually quit smoking at the time, and simply couldn't because the stress caused at work was overwhelming. And I literally could sense the negative energy every time she looked or talk to me. And for the record. This is just my experience. Many of the dietitians out there, the supervisors, I've had amazing supervisors throughout my, my internships, it's just that I came across to who potentially didn't really match with me, and we just kind of like didn't have similar beliefs and expectations and how one should treat each other. And that's okay. And and even if it was personal. The end of the day, no one truly can't know if it's personal, because it's not like you've seen the other person, act with everybody else. And yes, you obviously could have when it's with family members, but when it comes to people you work with or strangers, it's very difficult to know if it's personal or not. Let's dive in the third to the third story I have to share. And this time it's with a family member. So I've shared a story right now the stranger and the co worker. Now I'm going to go into a family member. And this can get difficult because I'm about to talk about loved ones. And I would share first that I love my family to death. And while we all go through tough times with family, underneath it all, there's only love and it is our ability to accept each other and access this love that can help you all pain. This is really important. Every family argues in fights and struggles to accept each other but it's our ability to see eye to eye on certain things. And agree to disagree and accept each other unconditionally is what can allow us to access that love and heal all pain between family members. Anyways, this one time, I think it was like seven or eight years ago this one time. My mother calls me up and says you know she's buying me clothes and wanted my T shirt size. She's like, what's your T shirt size? I was like I said it's a medium because I had lost weight and anticipated continue to lose weight. She said medium and I was like yeah, she's like, No, I'll get you next larger large. I was like, No, I'm the medium. So she replied I I know you're going to gain the weight back anyway, so just going to buy your large so I was insanely furious that day, and ended up getting a lot of junk food because of how furious I was. I firstly, I want to say that my mother is one of the most important people in my life. And the reason why I'm successful Actually, she has helped me in ways beyond my imagination. But sometimes she says things without really thinking about it and all fun knows about it. And she's a very confident woman. So potentially she didn't think that it would affect me. And that's okay, too. She is I accept her for that. And the past though it was hard to accept when I was busy being triggered and experiencing the pain I felt from some of the things that she said. But the truth is, it causes pain because potentially deep inside I believed what you were saying in that belief surface. So potentially when she said that you're going to get it again maybe internally deep inside, I actually believed that I would be gaining that weight again. And that bothered me that somebody else agreed with me because then that's a see that belief that you have is true. Others believe it too and that can be painful to have as surfaces up and causes that pain and reactivity, which then causes causes you to want to escape that pain and again bingeing is one of the ways one of the pleasuring ways that we Know that we, that we tend to just go and gravitate towards every time we're going towards pain and discomfort. Other enabling behaviors from pain numbers is when you're living with them. They know you're trying to lose weight, for example, yet they continuously bring in junk food or make comments about what you're eating or things like, aren't you on a diet? or Why are you eating this or you don't look like you're losing weight? Are you sure it's working or you need to eat more, you're starving yourself. The list is endless. I've heard that all honestly, like I can spend a lot of time spending our family members can say and sometimes it seems like 10 numbers can be very cruel. I know that because they know you and think is the same numbers that they know your buttons as well, they know how to push them together action from you. And when they're acting, they try to get you to react to. So some are also just like potentially testing you out. And some could be jealous of your success or discipline, some could be worried if you succeed, then they would have to start to truly think about doing something about their own situation and goals. The list of motives is truly endless there. And some of these enablers aren't even aware of their own motives. Imagine somebody having a motive as to why they're triggering, you're saying things that could potentially trigger you. But I'm not even aware of the motors, or they don't really, truly mean to trigger you they just kind of simply acting out unconsciously like they always have. That's just their way of communicating and defend the family and they just don't know any any better, potentially. Also, if it's parents or grandparents potentially they were communicated with like this with their own parents, and it's just passed on and passed on and passed on. until somebody says enough, no, I this is potentially not serving me or people around me and change. Until then it's up to them, whether they want to do something about it or not. And this is why a family members seem so sweet to your friends, but to you they possess the ability to turn into a nightmare. Trust. I'm aware of this, and many are aware of this as well. But here's the truth. Let's now let's take a step back and look at the truth, the real bare truth. The one thing common between all enablers is you not them, but it's you. It is the one thing that is common between all enablers and stick with me for a bit because I'm going to share with you something that could potentially serve you right now. When we start looking at enablers differently, we can start to regain our power and control back and then render them powerless because the reality is they are powerless until you decide to give them that power. Now let's look at two situations. First is where people have a say over how you act. Right. So let's say the situation one is people have a say over how you act. So they cause you to binge because of their actions and their words and their behaviors. And the second is where people have no say or control over how you act. So whatever they say you're still doing you and does really matter what they say, which sounds more empowering to. So hope you said the second. The second one, of course is more empowering because you have that ability to make decisions on your own. And when somebody is controlling your actions, it is disempowering. When when we start blaming others for what we are doing, then we're basically saying we have no control of our actions. So the first one also feels a lot like victim mode. So when when when when others have a control over what we're doing or are acting, it feels a lot like victim mode, and victims have no control over their actions. So it's a reality. They're waiting for someone to rescue them. They're waiting for a superhero to come by and just rescue them in real life, this superhero rarely comes to save us, the victim is likely to remain a victim. But we must realize that the superhero can come if we call out on them to rise from the inside. So we're both capable of being victim and superhero like and be we can be whichever we put our focus on. The question is which one serves you better being a victim or a superhero? And the answer is, of course, everybody wants to be their own superhero. This is easier said than done. But it all starts with a mental shift. Everything started changing for me when I looked at enablers as an opportunity in my life, an opportunity where the universe is trying to tell me Hey, there's something inside of you that isn't serving you that it's worth looking into. Whether it's a belief or a mindset, or a consistent network of thoughts that keeps rising up between each other, but there's something inside of you that isn't serving you that is worth looking into. With that building manager when I first came to Canada, it was the universe's way of showing me that I still have a belief that I'm not accepted in this society or accepted in general even though she certainly didn't know anything about me and didn't know that maybe I was even coming from a different country and it wasn't personal at all potentially she was just having a bad day. And actually I discovered later that the building was filled with students who were constantly awning the fire alarm, the whole two weeks of orientation and choose potentially having a good sick and tired of it and actually later on we we got on good terms. I realize she was a sweet woman but she just short fuse a little bit and that's just who she is. It's okay. With my food supervisors, it was my belief that I was not good enough to be a dietician, it wasn't their belief that I wouldn't be a good dietician, they simply just had poor social skills. I just realized also, that's that one of them had poor social skills, and the other potentially just didn't like her job or was just kind of going through something. And that's okay. With my mother, it was my belief that I am not good enough to achieve success. It wasn't that she didn't believe I couldn't be successful. She certainly did. She's one of my biggest supporters. But she simply noticed patterns of me yo yoing, with my weight for years, and just was being logical when she was buying something without thinking too much about how it would affect me again, it's such how she was she was just kind of like that, you know, she just says things logically as they are without really giving it too much thought, then it's okay. She realizes, actually, it's something that could be a bit of a weakness sometimes, but it was me who was letting it affect me. So my question is, what are the enablers in your life triggering? What belief within you or are they triggering, so there's beliefs within you that they're triggering, once you can realize and work on removing it, your enablers will have zero power, when it comes to your actions, no power whatsoever, once you remove the limiting dysfunctional beliefs within you that are being triggered, and cause you to act in this way, and causing you all that pain. So you can either decide to remove yourself from that environment, from their point from after you remove your your move these negative beliefs that are causing you to be triggered, you can from that point decide to either remove yourself from the environment, if the enablers around you are being abusive, just simply to abusive and being evil towards you. Or you can simply accept them for who they are and focus on their good attributes, which is highly recommended if they're family members, because with family members, it is they are by far the easiest to trigger you because they know your buttons. But for most family members out there, the vast majority is they have excellent characteristics. And they actually love you. They just this is just how, how it is with family. So every time right now, every time I react, I stop and I tell myself, okay, there is still something that needs to be worked on. What is it? What's the belief or story behind this reaction being caused right now? How can I change it, because I guarantee you whatever negative dysfunctional belief or story you're telling yourself, it's not true, and you have the power to change it, I've experienced this actually more than any other time, in my recent marriage, as I realized that sometimes I would react. And because you know, my wife would say something, or, or you know, do something and I would cause me to react. And then I would stop and be like, this is this has to do with me like this is like this not nothing to do there is something to do with me. This this whatever she whatever she was doing caused me to react in a way that must mean there is something that is still there that is not serving me that I need to address three intake, ask yourself these questions and bring it to light and do something to shed that belief and replace it with strong, empowering beliefs that can serve you the long term. And this is exactly what we work hard on in our program beyond the bench, and how and how do we know we're successful, by the way? Well, this is again, where enablers come in. And this is where we can reframe it to be at for reframe enablers to be a good component of our life. Because when their behavior attitude or actions persist, but it's no longer affecting your actions, then you know, you finally succeeded. And it is a very liberating and beautiful feeling. So enablers can actually be a test to you like almost like an ongoing test or thermometer to test to see if what you're doing is working and removing these beliefs within you these negative beliefs that are not serving you. And taking that shifting around is truly a very powerful feeling. Because you've taken a negative and turn into a positive and the process you've changed your the way you see things will change things about you and if their family members, they will notice that and that will inspire them to do something about it. And this is when you can be the beginning of the end for certain behavior that could be passed on through generations by family members. So hope this has helped you. I hope this episode has helped you understand more what enablers are how to approach your actions towards us we can regain your power again. If this is something that you're struggling with and you want to work on, then I invite you to apply for my program beyond the bench, which is again right now 25% of during the pandemic and in it we do all the work we need to do to remove negative beliefs, negative dysfunctional beliefs and the negative story we tell ourselves that causes us to react as a result of what people say. So I hope this has been helpful. If you have any questions or any stories you have about enablers, please share them with me in the comments below. And I look forward to seeing you in the next episode.