Eva (00:04):
Hey there, you’re listening to the My Sleeping Baby podcast, which is all about baby and child sleep. I’m so excited to teach you how you can get your little ones sleeping so that you can sleep too and enjoy parenthood to its fullest. I’m Eva Klein, your resident’s sleep expert, mom of three, founder of the Sleep Bible online coaching program, and lover of all things sleep and motherhood. If you’re looking for tangible solutions for your little one sleep woes or you simply want to learn more, this podcast is for you. For more information, check out mysleepingbaby.com and you can follow me on Instagram and Facebook @mysleepingbaby, and you can follow me on Instagram and Facebook at My Sleeping Baby.
(00:46)
Okay, welcome back to the show. So if any of you listening in happen to have a toddler or a preschooler who needs you to either fall asleep or stay asleep, this episode is for you because I want you to know that you are not alone. That toddler sleep challenges and preschooler sleep challenges are incredibly common, specifically when it involves a toddler that needs you there to fall asleep and needs you there to fall back asleep. Usually the way that this issue plays out is that it started earlier in life, but it wasn't a problem back then. Maybe when your little one was younger, it only involves you rocking him to sleep for five minutes and now what's a problem because it's taking you two hours. Or maybe it wasn't a problem back then because your little one was happily going to sleep with other people and it wasn't always you having to put him to bed, but now he only wants mommy, he will not go to sleep for anyone else.
(01:55)
Or maybe it was okay because that five minutes of rocking then also led to a really, really good night's sleep. But maybe now your toddler is not sleeping well at night anymore. Maybe he's waking up multiple times throughout the night because he needs you to come back and help him go back to sleep. So for all these very, very legitimate circumstances, you might be looking for a solution, how to get your little one sleeping independently without you. So I'm gonna be talking through the most common culprits for this specific sleep challenge with toddlers and preschoolers, as well as my top seven tips for you to be able to fix this because it goes without saying that if you want your otherwise healthy toddler sleeping independently throughout the night until morning, they are more than capable of doing so you can absolutely get this resolved. Okay, so let's first talk about why this problem might be happening with your little one.
(03:00)
So in no particular order, here are the biggest culprits that contribute to a toddler not being able to sleep independently. First, let's talk about separation anxiety. It is very, very common for toddlers and preschoolers to go through all sorts of bouts of separation anxiety where they find it very challenging to separate from their main caregiver, usually the mom at bedtime. This is a very normal part of their development, and this stage can make it much, much harder for them to relax and settle down without a parent there, pal. Print number two is that you have a toddler who is used to falling asleep with his parent as part of his bedtime routine. So there's almost always going to be a habitual component in terms of why your toddler will not sleep without you. So this is usually the case if your toddler is used to co-sleeping or is used to sleeping in the same room as you, or you know, maybe he has a routine where he is used to having you rock him to sleep each night, he is likely going to expect this routine to stay the same.
(04:14)
And don't, I mean, don't forget right that humans are creatures of habit and toddlers are not the exception here. And so when you try to change up this routine to get your toddler to go to sleep by himself, he is going to push back and be thrown off by these changes. I mean, it's different than what he's used to and he's not gonna like it. Another very common culprit is when your little one is experiencing big recent life changes. So for example, if your little one has started a new daycare or maybe you gave birth to another baby or you have moved to a new home, it's very normal for them to feel more unsettled than usual. You see, change is especially hard for toddlers since they thrive so much on routine and predictability. And because young children rely on their primary caregivers for a sense of comfort and security, it's so common for them to reach out to their parents, especially the moms for some extra comfort at bedtime as they're going through these big life changes.
(05:18)
Another very big culprit of toddler sleep challenges, specifically getting your toddler to fall asleep nicely at bedtime and stay asleep throughout the night, is if their daytime schedule isn't age appropriate, meaning they are either overtired or they are under tired. As confusing as this might be, overt tiredness and under tiredness can actually cause the exact same sleep challenges. So don't worry, I'm going to delve into both here. So let's talk over tiredness first. You see, if your toddler is not getting enough sleep over a 24 hour period and he becomes overtired, it's gonna be a lot harder for him to fall asleep by himself nicely. And this is for a number of reasons. First of all, overt tiredness causes fussiness and clickiness making it much harder for him to self-soothe and regulate his emotions. The other thing about overt tiredness is that when your little one isn't getting enough sleep and they become overtired, their bodies begin producing higher levels of cortisol, which is a stress hormone, um, secreted by your nervous system.
(06:29)
And so when your toddler has higher levels of cortisol in their system, it's going to make it much, much harder for them to fall asleep and stay asleep. In fact, these higher levels of cortisol can literally cause every single sleep challenge out there. It can cause difficulty falling asleep, night wakings, early rising short naps. It completely goes against what common sense says about sleep, which is the more tired you are, the easier it is to fall asleep. The reality is that sleep science doesn't always align with what common sense says. And this is one of those examples when a toddler is overtired and is having that much more of a struggle to fall asleep, he might end up relying on a parents to help him fall asleep as a way to compensate and counteract the effects of this overt tiredness. And then this leads to the third problem that overt tiredness can create, which is that it can get your little one into a very bad cycle of sleep deprivation, which can be very tricky to break if you don't know what to do.
(07:36)
It's sort of like, you know how the famous saying goes, sleep begets sleep. So you know, the better you sleep, the more well-rested you are and then the better you end up sleeping and then that well-rested cycle continues. Well, unfortunately the exact same thing holds true for when your little one is overtired. So crappy sleep begets crappy sleep, which basically means that when your little one is overtired from not getting enough sleep, they will continue to give you that crappy sleep because they're overtired and then they become more overtired because of all this crappy sleep that they're giving you. And then that really, really bad cycle continues and it can end up exacerbating bedtime battles and leading to more power struggles and frustration, which can make it even harder for your little one to fall asleep. It is not fun. Now, at the same time, not to confuse you here, but under tiredness, which is when your little one just isn't tired enough, can end up causing very similar looking sleep challenges.
(08:36)
And that's because if your little one is going to bed before they're actually tired, they can end up feeling very restless, very fidgety, and really struggle to settle down. Um, and so sometimes that means that they're gonna be calling out for their parents as a means of compensating for that. Um, in particular it can be incredibly frustrating for that toddler to be put down too soon. Um, and then that can end up disrupting their ability to fall asleep. And then from there they can begin to associate going to sleep with feelings of stress and negativity just because it's not an easy enjoyable process for them. They're not tired enough, falling asleep is really, really hard for them. And then that can cause another type of vicious negative cycle that you definitely don't want. Now, a couple more culprits that I definitely wanna make sure that I address that can definitely contribute to to this problem.
(09:33)
One of them is if your toddler really doesn't like being in his room for whatever reason, maybe he's got all sorts of negative associations with being in his room, perhaps because he's either overtired or under tired and really struggles to fall asleep from there, he can then begin to think that his room is not a great, positive, fun place to be and then is not gonna wanna be in there. And then of course in order to be able to fall asleep, he's gotta go in his room to begin with and that's gonna cause him to start calling out for you because he doesn't like being in his room. And then lastly, I would say this is a very, very big one, is if your toddler has transitioned from a crib to a bed too soon, this can cause big sleep problems at bedtime and at nighttime.
(10:27)
And the reason for this in a nutshell is because I would say the vast majority of toddlers under the age of three really are not mature enough to handle all the freedom offered by a bed, allowing them to just leave the room <laugh> and run around the house as they please. And you see we're forgetting that the crib on the other hand offers your little one a very age appropriate boundary, keeping them contained. And so when they suddenly don't have that boundary anymore and can leave the room whenever they want, a lot of the time they will just because they can. And then that puts you in a position where if you want your little one to go to sleep, you often will then find yourself having to lie down with him in the name of actually getting him to stay in the room and fall asleep to begin with.
(11:20)
And then of course that can lead to a whole slew of other sleep challenges that you probably don't want. And this might even apply to situations where your toddler was previously sleeping really, really well in his crib and then as soon as you moved him into a bed, all hell broke loose and you got all these sleep challenges and bedtime battles on your hand. I talk about this topic in much more detail. I've got a separate podcast episode, I cannot remember <laugh> what season and uh, an episode this is, but I will make sure to link it, uh, in the show notes below so you can, you can listen to this one in more detail if you think you may have transitioned your little one too soon to a bed, what you should do about it or how to avoid transitioning your little one too soon and how to keep them in a crib for as long as possible.
(12:09)
Alright, we've talked about all the main reasons why your toddler might be struggling to sleep without you. Let's now explore some tips and strategies for actually helping them learn how to sleep independently without you. Okay, so number one, first and foremost, make sure that your toddler is getting enough sleep and that he isn't overtired and isn't under tired. So we need to make sure that we're establishing a consistent and age appropriate sleep schedule for your little one. And so this does mean prioritizing your toddler's daytime naps at home in their crib or bed and ensuring that they're in bed early for the night to avoid them becoming overtired and make sure that they're getting enough sleep over a 24 hour period. So let me give you a rough idea of how much sleep toddlers and preschoolers usually need. So an average 18 month old typically needs about 11 hours of nighttime sleep and a two and a half hour nap.
(13:11)
A typical two year old, like 24 month old usually needs about 11 hours of nighttime sleep and a two hour nap. Now, when it comes to three year olds, most of them need about 12 hours of sleep over a 24 hour period, which might equate to 12 hours of nighttime sleep and no napping. Or you might be looking at 10 and a half to 11 hours of nighttime sleep and a one to one and a half hour nap. And so make sure that your little one's schedule is fairly consistent day-to-day. You don't want there to be too much irregularity here. Now remember of course, that these are just averages. There are always going to be ranges in terms of how much sleep toddlers need. Some are always going to need more and some are always going to need less. And so if you feel like you need better guidance on how to figure out how much sleep your little one needs, grab a copy of my free sleep chart.
(14:07)
It is a P D F download that has all of my suggested wake windows nap totals and night totals and, and, and their ranges for little ones ages zero all the way up to age five. So I will post that link to the free download in the show notes as well. Now remember, when it comes to establishing an age appropriate schedule for your little one, we don't just have to worry about them being overtired. We also gotta make sure that they are not under tired either and that you're trying to put them down for the night too soon. So for example, if your three-year-old is taking a big two hour long afternoon nap, they are almost certainly not gonna be ready for bed by seven o'clock unless they are the unicorn that needs substantially more sleep than average. That is gonna be too early of a bedtime.
(14:56)
In fact, an 8:00 PM bedtime may even be too early if they're still napping for two hours. Your two year old is almost certainly not gonna be ready for bed for six 30 or even seven if he woke up from a two and a half hour nap at three o'clock. Um, your preschooler who is no longer napping is likely not gonna be exhausted for the night by six or 6:30 PM anymore. So it's really important to be mindful of your little one's daytime schedule and make these necessary adjustments to create more sleep pressure before bedtime. And so you can do this by gradually cutting back on the length of the nap or bumping bedtime a little bit later or both. So that was tip number one. And tip number two, make sure your little one isn't overtired and also make sure he's not under tired. Tip number three, make sure that your toddler or preschooler has an enjoyable and consistent bedtime routine.
(15:52)
This is really important to help your little one feel secure and comfortable when it's bedtime. Um, your bedtime routine can include things like a bath, a bedtime story, a song, or some quiet play. The key is to make sure that you're doing these things in the same order every single night so that your toddler always knows what to expect, that he is being cued, that sleep time is coming, and as a result he can feel more relaxed and calm. Um, specifically make sure that your little one's routine avoids any sort of overstimulation since many children are gonna have trouble falling asleep. If, for example, you are watching tons of TV before bedtime or they're in front of a tablet, you don't wanna be using, um, any sort of device as part of your little one's bedtime routine, since that can suppress their body's natural production of melatonin, making it much, much harder for them to settle.
(16:52)
Tip number four, and this is a big one, is gradually teach your toddler to sleep independently. That means fall asleep on their own and fall back to sleep on their own so that they can stay asleep in their crib or bed throughout the night until morning. You see if your toddler is used to sleeping in the same room as you, maybe in the same bed as you needs to be rocked to sleep, needs you to sit there next to him until he falls asleep. This is where toddler sleep training of some kind is going to come in because at the end of the day, relying on you in some way, shape, or form to be there until he falls asleep is a sleep crutch. And as long as he is relying on a sleep crutch of any kind, which is something that he cannot recreate on his own, that he relies on to fall asleep, all betts are off in terms of a how long it's gonna take him to fall asleep and how many times he's gonna wake up at night needing you to come back and recreate those conditions to help him go back to sleep.
(17:57)
Now I want you to know that you do not and probably should not be doing any form of quiet out if you have what is likely a strong-willed toddler relying on you to help him fall asleep. This is never something that I would recommend doing from the get-go because it's gonna be a very abrupt move to go from lying down next to him to tucking him in and leaving and not going back in. And that's much, much harder on everyone, um, including you. And so for situations like this, rather than exploring a quiet out type of approach for those reasons, this is when we usually explore what's known as a gradual withdrawal method where instead of putting your little one in the crib and leaving, you would start off like sitting next to them until they fall asleep, gradually moving further and further away with time.
(18:54)
So make sure that whatever approach you're using you feel comfortable with, but, but that it ultimately has the end goal of you being able to tuck your little one into their crib or bed, say goodnight and leave Tip number five, make sure your toddler loves being in his room. So as I said before, if he's got negative associations with his sleep space, he's not going to happily put himself to sleep on his own, at least not regularly. And so there's all sorts of things that you can do to encourage him to really warm up to being in there and be as and feel as though he is in a comfortable and familiar sleep space. So for example, if your little one is used to hearing your voice or your heartbeat, you can try introducing a white noise machine to help them relax. You can try introducing a lovey or a comfort item of some kind.
(19:49)
This could be a special blanket, an animal, um, a favorite toy of some kind. You know, make sure that this is a comfort item that your toddler associates with sleep time. And then of course, if I didn't make it any more obvious <laugh>, it goes without saying that you definitely want to keep your toddler in a crib for as long as you feasibly can until your toddler is ideally at least three to three and a half years old. You really want to hold off on this transition until your child is mature enough to handle all the freedom offered by a bed and is old enough to understand and respect the rules and boundaries that go along with being in a bed. And as an aside, when it comes to getting your little one to really love being in their room, don't be afraid to incorporate some playtime with him while he is in his room so that he can really develop positive associations with being in his room and being in crib or in his bed, especially if he gets to play a little bit while he is in his room with you.
(20:53)
Tip number six, use lots of positive reinforcement here. When your toddler does sleep without you or maybe listens to some of these new sleep rules, make sure that you go bonkers with praising him and rewarding him for his efforts. So this can be as simple as giving him a high five in the morning, offering a special treat. You can create a sticker chart of some kind if your little one is old enough to understand that type of system. You really wanna be using positive reinforcement as a means of making your child feel proud of their accomplishments and motivate them to continue sleeping well. And tip number seven, this is the worst one of all of them, but it is very necessary for me to mention this. Be patient and consistent. These things can take a little bit of time when you are dealing with very strong-willed and energetic toddlers and preschoolers, unlike when you are sleep training infants and you can see really big changes in a few days, maybe up to a week when we're dealing with toddlers and preschoolers.
(21:59)
The process can take longer. It can take a solid week and a half to two weeks for them to really get these new routines and it can feel like a two steps forward, one step back type of process, which is very, very normal and common. Stick with these new routines. Continue to offer your little one support throughout this learning process. And I promise you that with time, patience and persistence and consistency, your little one really can learn how to sleep on their own. So to summarize, if you have a toddler or a preschooler who will not sleep without you, my top seven sleep tips for your little one are, number one, make sure your toddler is getting enough sleep over a 24 hour period. Number two, make sure that your toddler is not under tired either. Number three, create an enjoyable and consistent bedtime routine.
(22:54)
Number four, teach your toddler how to sleep independently. Number five, make sure your toddler loves being in his room. Number six, use positive reinforcement when you can. And number seven, be patient and consistent. Now I wanna make a very important note about when it might be worth your while to seek out more help to get these toddler sleep issues resolved. You see, it is very common for toddlers to struggle to sleep without their parents at some points, but there are some situations that would really benefit from more help. So for example, if your child's sleep disturbances are causing significant disruption to your family's daily life and to your mental health, you might consider exploring further options to get your little ones bigger 24 hour sleep challenges completely result. And I wanna just tell you that my Sleep Bible program has an entire track tailored towards toddlers and preschoolers where we can take you through step-by-step exactly what you need to do in terms of creating a customized holistic sleep plan for your little one and get all of these sleep challenges resolved.
(24:11)
And so if you need more information about that, definitely go and watch my Free Sleep Masterclass called How to Get Your Little One Consistently Sleeping through the Night So You can feel like a functioning human Even if you feel like you have tried everything, I will link that in the show notes as well. I want to assure you that your child's sleep issues are fixable. Even yours, even if you have the most strong-willed, challenging spirited, high needs, energetic toddler or preschooler on the face of the planet, we can still get those sleep issues of your little one resolved. It might be a little bit more of an intense process if you have an especially high needs child, but that's okay. And I say this very confidently, having worked with thousands of families to date a huge bunch of them being parents of very strong-willed toddlers and preschoolers.
(25:11)
Again, for the most part, I would say that the majority of families reaching out to me for help and joining my programs for their toddler or preschooler have a child that they would describe as very, very challenging and strong-willed and high needs. The really easygoing toddlers and preschoolers typically don't struggle in the sleep department as much of the as the strong-willed ones do. So strong-willed toddlers and preschoolers are absolutely a subspecialty of mine. I got those kiddos down, down pat, no problem. And so if you need some help getting your little ones bigger sleep challenges resolved, reach out to me. Send me an email eva@mysleepingbaby.com, go and watch my free masterclass and we can figure out the best way for you to get all the support that you need to get these sleep challenges resolved for good. Alright, my friends, I hope that this was all really helpful and that you all have a wonderful day.
(26:18)
Thank you so much for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, leave a review and share this episode with a friend who can benefit from it. I also love hearing from my listener, so feel free to DM me on Instagram at my sleeping baby or send me an email at eva@mysleepingbaby.com. Until next time, have a wonderful restful nights.