Beyond the Pain Part Two

Whats up everybody,  Happy New Year! Sorry I've been gone but I have been sick and out of commission.  This is the season premiere of season 5, thanks for sticking with me. I am posting the last part of Beyond The Pain. In this episode we discuss the physical toll of grief and the crucial role of faith, therapy, and community in carrying us through our darkest moments. We discover that living purposefully while loving people we've lost is the greatest tribute.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:06

ulated.

Speaker 2: 0:46

What's up everybody. It's your boy, anthony. Welcome to another edition of Spade, the podcast. Happy New Year, merry Christmas, happy Thanksgiving, all of that. Sorry, it's been a while since I posted an episode. First, I've been sick. I got sick like several times, so I'm just trying to recoup from the latest time since I've been sick. It's almost going on a month. So, yeah, trying to get over this cough and, yeah, been crazy. Anyway, I'm going to release this finale of this episode of Beyond the Pain, part two, and I'll have some new episodes coming soon, so y'all stay tuned for that. Again, thanks for rocking with me. Again, happy New Year. We made it to 2024. Alright, I can't talk anymore, so I'm going to go into a cough and frenzy. So I hope y'all liked the episode. Yeah, stay tuned.

Speaker 1: 2:26

And just to piggyback off of what you said, I remember when I lost my great grandmother, and during that time we knew that it was going to end because she was, her health was starting to decline and she was suffering from sun downers. Sun downers yeah, that's like the I think it's another stage of dementia and Alzheimer's type thing. So she was suffering from that and health was on down. So we knew that was coming. The funeral was very difficult because, even though we knew it's just, it's a difficult thing, after the whole process and everything, I had a dream about her and this is like a couple, I want to say a couple months later, or either a week later or a couple nights later I think it was after I left South Carolina, after everything over, and we all went back home and I had a dream.

Speaker 1: 3:45

And I had a dream and I was talking with her. It was like a white room and in this dream the emotion was just so, it was so great and I heard her voice and I heard her say it's okay, it's okay, you can, it's okay and you can, let me go. And I heard her say that to me because we were just talking in my dream and everything. And then I said that and as soon as she said that to me, it just broke me in that dream and it's like I wanted to cry but I couldn't cry, you know, and I couldn't.

Speaker 1: 4:37

I don't I'm trying to say I don't think I could see her, but I heard her voice and it was just white. And then she said that a couple of times and after that I woke up and I was heartbroken. But then I knew that, I knew that hearing that, I was like okay, I understand, but it's just very it's a difficult thing, you know, especially hearing that, like you said, grief, dealing with loss, it's a thing of where you know it's a process where it's time to get over that and people, people can deal with it in various ways and sometimes dealing with grief can cause anger, feelings of anger, when they lose their loved ones, because I've had you know.

Speaker 1: 5:53

Different friends have said that you know they felt angry that their loved ones are gone. Have you, were you guys? Did you guys feel that, I guess, anger that your loved ones were gone, that you just felt life? Why are you gone? Why did you leave me?

Speaker 3: 6:20

That's not for me. I felt anger after a series of deaths, Really in like a two year span. It was several people that passed that were loved ones. Like, really like 2016,. First my sister the baby passed.

Speaker 4: 6:47

My baby, my sister her baby passed.

Speaker 3: 6:50

Six weeks old. She passed. Then it was few months after that. Then my cousin passed and she was only, she was only 30, like 32 years old. She passed and then it was a person I grew up with calling him Uncle. He passed. Then there was it was a lot Then my grandmother, then my grandfather, then my aunt, then, when Felicia passed, and then with Kevin, my cousin, kevin passed. It was a lot.

Speaker 3: 7:27

I experienced anger then, cause it was like all these people that I felt a connection to, like all my outlets, all my telechores were taking from me. Like I felt naked, like you stripped them from all your and it's like what do you? Like I'm like I got a problem. I got a problem and it was a moment to where I went on. I went on pause for a minute Cause I felt like doing all this transition, career change, job change, relationship change I was like it was so many things I was experiencing. That was a death. That was just. That was just leaving me and I did get angry. I did experience anger and I was.

Speaker 3: 8:21

I had an attitude, I had my outlet with that anger. I'm not gonna say was like physically destructive, but it was destructive mentally, mostly inwardly, cause I felt that I was. You get to a place of being known. You don't want to feel. You don't want to feel anything, Cause all I feel right now is just a low place and hurt, and it's sitting real heavy. It's sitting real heavy Like I don't even, I don't even care, no more. That's the kind of attitude that you have Like I don't even care, no more. What's the purpose? What's the purpose?

Speaker 3: 9:08

And as close as a close in relationship or your background are growing up with your faith, your resistance. All that you know, I don't want to hear, I don't want to hear the. Lord, no business. I don't want to hear that, I don't want to hear it.

Speaker 3: 9:23

I don't want to hear. You know God don't make no mistakes. I don't want to hear nothing. That's just being honest and being real and not. You know, we all go up in the church and everything we know scriptures, all don't quote nothing to me, nothing. I didn't want to hear it and I think a lot of times we have a facade, sometimes that we live behind, but for me that was my truth and I remember a minister saying he's like you know well, god is doing this. I was like, well, right now I don't need to hear it from you, and you know, I know that they were offended. But right now my truth is don't, don't, don't come to me with no scriptures, don't come to me with none of it. I don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear it.

Speaker 3: 10:07

And that was that was honest until God had I mean God had to work on me.

Speaker 2: 10:15

He had to work on me he really did.

Speaker 1: 10:18

Yeah.

Speaker 3: 10:19

And that's and that's, and that's my truth. So I I think, once you get to a place to where you realize that I don't have to be a certain way because you have an idea like you don't want to, you want to keep going, but you don't want to keep going. You know you want to go behind a wall and just cry or just kick off from everybody. You know, but you don't want to. You know you can. Oh, it's okay to shed a few tears, but dry your eyes.

Speaker 3: 10:49

No, friend, you can't tell me to dry my eyes. Yeah, you couldn't tell me that. And one thing I've I've been with others that have lost love ones and whatnot. My first thing I'll say is you, you feel how you feel. You feel how you feel and you can't let nobody tell you that you're wrong for how you feel. You have to process it the way that you need to process it.

Speaker 3: 11:15

You know, and you'll have a come as you said earlier, xenia, you have a come to Jesus moment at some point. You know God, god will reveal himself to you and it don't, and it takes him to do it. Sometimes it don't, it's not necessarily a person, and you have people there that support you, you know, that want to be encouraging. I don't, I don't discredit anybody because they're trying to. They're trying to be there and be supported. You know what I'm saying. But in those moments sometimes you don't need anybody to say anything. Sometimes you might just need somebody to sit there.

Speaker 3: 11:47

Yeah, you know, you just need somebody, you don't. You don't need them to say nothing. You don't need because they can't fix it. Yeah, you can't fix it.

Speaker 4: 11:55

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 11:57

Exactly so. Did you have that type of angle? Yeah?

Speaker 4: 12:08

I'm kind of in the same boat, you know, with Laina. I think there was a series. I think mine kind of worked the opposite. My mother passed again in, you know, 2011. Then, as late as the completion cousin, who was like a sister, who was my aunt, who took me in after my mother passed. It was her daughter and you know she checked up on me constantly and so she passed away like two and a half years later. Then my aunt passed away Right, as a matter of fact, in the heart of COVID. It was 2020. Then my uncle passed away in 2021. My grandmother, my father's grandmother, passed away in 2022.

Speaker 4: 12:52

So I always say and I think you know, even kind of listening to Laina's story and yours, you know there's a scripture that says that we don't mourn. You know, like others who don't have any hope and like I think a common thing that I've, that I've heard so far, is like the hope part. So but you know, when my mother passed, I didn't have any because you know, I was kind of people look at me crazy when I tell them this but like I've never doubted God, but I was like angry with him, you know, because my mother Jesus first cousin, like you know she was in church, mount Sinai, every time. Every time the door was open and it wasn't just that church thing, it was, you know, she taught us in the home she would always say why she was battling cancer, that that two and a half years that she did that I'm not, I'm not going to die. You know she had extreme faith and so when that time came, I'm like wait a minute. This is a woman who was a single mother. She worked two jobs. She went to school to get a master's degree to take care of her children. She gave her money faithfully, like people who did her wrong. She smiled in their face, she loved them, like just a genuine good person, love God.

Speaker 4: 14:06

And so you talking about angry, like I was angry with him and I think that kind of manifested itself physically. Like you know, I was during that time. I can laugh about it now even though it wasn't funny then. But you know my wife, I would, you know, get angry and I would hit stuff. Like as a time I remember I was so angry I hit the side of my door in the car and like broke the part where you let the window up, like the automatic window. Like it broke like because and that that was just a patient of how angry that I was, but you know as losing more people and, like later, said that come to Jesus, meaning, after that, and I started losing people, I started to realize that you know, things that my mother told me was coming to fruition, so that kind of turned. Okay, god, I see you moving, because my mother will always tell me that I was set apart, that I was chosen. I'm like my mama all mama say that about all the children.

Speaker 4: 15:03

But, like I said, I never forget, during the, the, the planning process, I was in the room with my aunt, my sister, coco, and my like like my cousins who were planning and I said I want to say something and they thought I was talking about you know, right there it's like, yeah, you say what you want to say. I said no at the funeral and I had no idea what I was going to say, literally to like the morning of, and I got up there and I realized that this is what my mama was talking about, like the calling that I have on my life was literally coming into fruition in her death as things started to move and I started to lose more people and God kind of started to use me, based on the experience that I had with my mother, it that anger went from okay I'm angry, now I'm sad, now I'm gaining some hope, and that turned into a foundation and that foundation turned into, okay, I get it. This is what she was talking about. So I think I think people who deal with these feelings, like Lanna said, you just got to let it play itself out. And I think the important point, you know, playing itself out is you know, you know me, you got you always my. I always go back to God.

Speaker 4: 16:15

That relationship you got to have to relate to because, if not everything else in this world, people, whatever it is that you're trying to draw to their temporary and at the same time, they're human, just like you are, but they may need a day where they're dealing with something in their life and you have to know that source. The Bible tells us that we can lay out burdens down. Ask our cares upon him. So the happiness that we feel, man, we are a source to lay that, to lay that stuff down, and I'm a living witness, I think Lanna's a living witness and you're a living witness of sometimes.

Speaker 4: 16:50

We just got to go through that process and lay that stuff down, because I think the biggest thing that a lot of people do is carry that weight. One because they don't know how to communicate. Or two, they feel like nobody cares. They feel on. That was my problem. I felt like I was alone with so many people surrounding me. But I think you have to find a good support system. Like Lanna said, sometimes just let them know. I just need you just to be here, not to say nothing. I just need you, but also people who know who you are and kind of know your ebbs and flows of what you're going for. More importantly, just having that relationship with God.

Speaker 1: 17:28

Right.

Speaker 3: 17:29

And channeling, channeling that to him into and into something else. Where it does start to, it doesn't hardly a heart, it starts to change Absolutely. And I, one thing I would say when you experience and death, sometimes individuals, you don't, I don't have any, I don't have any regrets. I don't have any regrets, I think sometimes. I think it's a hard piece sometimes for people when they have regret Absolutely. I wish I should have or this thing or the other, but I don't have any regrets and I feel as though even experiencing physical loss with individuals I know without a shadow about each person, knew how I felt about them and how they felt about me, and that makes a difference as well. Sometimes we've given death too much glory.

Speaker 4: 18:25

Right.

Speaker 3: 18:25

Yeah, we've given it too much glory and it's all it is. It's literally that. It's a transition. It's just another phase that we all experience and, whether it be there's physical, there's mental, emotional, there's you go through things, even in every day. You may be physically still here, but you experience a death, whether it be relationship, whether it be job or whatever it looks like. But you have to. You can't have any regrets and you, literally, as you grow, you learn to cherish every moment, because life is just that. It is just a vapor. Yeah, absolutely, it is just a vapor.

Speaker 1: 19:09

I was going to ask what do you tell people that have regrets and say I wish I would have done X, y and Z, and especially for the people that are feuding with somebody? You know what I'm saying, because there's a lot of people that issues with family members, whatever, and then of course you obviously, and you have that unexpected death, or then they're just like, oh my god, I didn't say what I want to say. And again, what do you tell that person?

Speaker 3: 19:47

It's a hard pill to swallow, but I mean it's really a hard pill to swallow, but it's a lesson. Even in that and at a point, just in life in general, you have to learn how to forgive yourself, even though that person may not be there for you to say I'm sorry or whatever. Or if you feel regret or feel that guilt, you have to release yourself from that and you have to release it to God, and he's the only one that can give you peace. Yeah, he's the only one who can give you peace and sometimes I know that it is a struggle for some people sometimes because you have those moments, but you have to forgive yourself Because the enemy can use that regret as a noose around your neck, mm-hmm.

Speaker 1: 20:45

That's true. Final thoughts what would you tell somebody as far as it's going through dealing with loss and grief and they just need a roadmap or something just to help them to get started, whether it be the loss of a parent, loss of a grandparent, a child, either unexpectedly or due to any type of outside circumstances, what would you tell them? And, like you said, they don't want to hear the church quote, unquote, it's going to be OK, god, it's in God's plan, et cetera. What would you tell?

Speaker 3: 21:40

them. I say to honor. You honor them and you honor them in a way of living your best life. That's the best thing you can do, even with us sharing the heart loss that we all have experienced. We're here now and we haven't shared a tear and we're able to talk about it. There's, sometimes, there's liberty in that. That's free within itself and it's evident that God has played a major part. It's just like you have a womb. You see that womb, but it don't hurt no more. It don't hurt like it used to. It might still be tender.

Speaker 3: 22:22

It might still be tender, but the best thing I would suggest is the love that you have for those individuals. Take that love and be the best that you can be and be the best person that you can be and to show take that love that you have for them and give it away to other people and other things in life. You know, that's how I feel. I think you should do. You honor them in the best way, because the love that they have for you, they would want the best for you and you take that and just honor them. Walk in the space that you know that they're smiling, they're at peace with you, just with that alone. That's the proof. That's how I would. My advice is always just to be your best person. That love, take that love that you have and that they have, that you have for one another, and use it to the best to be that light.

Speaker 1: 23:35

Exactly.

Speaker 4: 23:39

I would say God, community and lay in a touch on it briefly. But therapy I know if you'd asked me a couple of years ago like views on therapy has drastically changed, especially now since I'm going to school for psychology. But even before then I started to see that the things that a lot of church people or people who are kind of thinking one way kind of tainted, but God has literally gave us gifts in the earth to be able to use to help heal these people. Even the Bible said it's wise counsel. So I say God, community and therapy, god of course being the first and foremost. You know that's my go to life.

Speaker 4: 24:29

I remember just this year God had released something off of me dealing with my own mother You're talking about. This is 11 years ago. It just goes back to that whole time of grief thing. While I'm grieving, necessarily hard, but certain times you know it would get rough on me Just wondering, you know I would feel the sun now at nine years old. Why lost at 17.

Speaker 4: 24:54

But God spoke to me. He said time doesn't heal all wounds, but I do so. While time and I heal all wounds, god definitely does, and he doesn't operate in our time. So it could be six months for one person, it could be six years for the next person. But my father told me when I was going through the whole grieving process is that there's no work without progress and there's no progress without work. So you got to work in while you're looking to progress, and that includes defining communities, a community of people, or it could be one person that you know you can turn to in those moments. That way you can have somebody right there that's offering a support system for you, but also therapy. You know, don't be afraid to go, sit down and talk with someone who is licensed and educated in this manner, who can point you in the right direction and get you on a path to healing. I just say, like Lana said, find something that works for you.

Speaker 4: 25:54

But it's not at first because, again, if you draw night to him, he'll draw night to you. If you keep him first and you draw to him, I promise you there is no limits to the healing and no limits to the blessings that he has, even in the face of death, that he could use to start your testimony for other people who's going through as well.

Speaker 1: 26:15

Absolutely, absolutely, and you literally, just you took my points that I was going to say we had that psychology, the same thing that I was going to say you know, but the mental health side, you know a lot of people. They don't take advantage of therapy and they don't take advantage of counseling. So definitely, what I was going to recommend, especially in this day and age, is to go seek help, because you always it's good to have just that third, unbiased party, your emotions to that person, without worry of judgment, without worry of you know anything. So it's always just good to just to have that safe space. You know, and it's so many resources out there as far as work with them and counseling, and even if you don't want to do it in person, they have online therapy on one account. So it's so many good resources. This was a very insightful live podcast, so thank you guys for being on. Y'all were amazing. Thank you for those that tuned in. Thank you for tuning in. Y'all shout out to your your TikToks and Instagrams on where people can follow you again.

Speaker 2: 28:06

Elena, you can go ahead.

Speaker 3: 28:11

I got brain fall right now On Facebook is.

Speaker 4: 28:19

Alayna.

Speaker 3: 28:20

Kelly On IG it is Chef underscore AK1, and then also have another IG, the Chef AK underscore. One is the same on TikTok, twitter, all the same name and on for L Willys 324 on IG, l Willys LLC on Facebook, and the same as well on TikTok. You can also go on to the website LWillyscom, that's E-L-W-I-L-L-I-E-Scom.

Speaker 1: 28:57

I heard that, Xavier. How about you?

Speaker 4: 29:02

I need to step my social media game up.

Speaker 3: 29:09

Let me tell you a secret. I had somebody help me.

Speaker 1: 29:14

You can go on private. Get you a social media assistant.

Speaker 4: 29:24

I'm kind of old school when it comes to social media. I'm on Facebook and that's it. I do have a TikTok that I engage with more than any other social media outside of Facebook. It's Kingdom Thoughts. That's pretty much it. It's on TikTok and my name is Xavier Jones on Facebook.

Speaker 3: 29:50

I'm sorry the Rainbow, T AK and Kari, you can subscribe on YouTube as well as same thing on IG as well as Facebook. That is the podcast.

Speaker 4: 30:03

Xavier, I may try to have your soul bowl. Please do Let me know.

Speaker 3: 30:09

I got your soul bowl you got some national shipping. I have everything shipped up all the way to the Ukraine. Really, I had a friend of mine. Her son was playing ball internationally. He needed a meal prep. I was like, thank you, lord, I went across the water.

Speaker 1: 30:44

Global international.

Speaker 3: 30:50

It's a God all day. Everybody has a purpose. Sometimes you go through certain things in life. It seems tragic, but it will help you to see some things, define your purpose.

Speaker 4: 31:03

I'm thankful and I'm blessed with it. Now, mama Kelly name is Global, yes, Lord, it is.

Speaker 3: 31:12

Put a name in life.

Speaker 4: 31:13

Yes, Lord.

Speaker 3: 31:17

The actual logo is her actual, authentic signature. Wow, I have taken from a postcard that she sent to my grandfather.

Speaker 4: 31:28

I love it.

Speaker 1: 31:30

That's awesome.

Speaker 4: 31:34

It is. I love you all it was great to see you all. Great to see you.

Speaker 3: 31:42

Definitely. I look forward to it. Yes.

Speaker 1: 31:48

Cool, I love you guys. I will see you all. You guys will hear this on Wednesday. Thank you, thank you, thank you.