SPADE: The Podcast
SPADE: The Podcast stands as a beacon of hope and understanding, addressing critical mental health challenges within the African American community. SPADE (Suicide, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety, Depression, and Epilepsy) seeks to shine a light on topics often stigmatized and misunderstood.
Our mission is to break the silence surrounding these issues, encouraging open dialogue and fostering a culture of support and education. By providing meaningful resources and sharing powerful stories, we aim to empower individuals to confront these challenges head-on and build pathways toward healing.
Mental health is a crucial but often overlooked subject in the African American community. It's time to dismantle the barriers of shame and stigma, ensuring everyone feels safe to speak their truth and seek the help they need. This podcast is more than just a platform—it's a movement to spark change, spread awareness, and inspire action within families, friendships, and communities.
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SPADE: The Podcast
Toxic Relationships Pt 2
Whats up everyone! After several months, I was finally able to upload part two of this series. Join us alongside our insightful guest, Jalen and Jasmine, as we trace the contours of toxic partnerships and the courage it takes to reclaim your happiness. This episode is a deep dive into the murky depths of love turned harmful, examining the red flags, the difficult yet necessary decision to leave, and the journey of healing that follows.
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"'Eva Glory' by Gordon Matthews.
Speaker 2:I mean, it's many different answers, though, and that's the thing, like it's not just one answer, because everybody is different and what may be toxic to one person may not be toxic to the next person, so it really is just about experience. For me, I would say, like, what makes the relationship toxic, from what I've seen, is like sometimes, when you just have two people that's on two totally different pages and not, for whatever reason, being able to like effectively communicate where they are and what they want and where they see themselves going, because if you have a breakdown from that and you don't really understand that, like what are you building on? And that's where the whole foundation starts to get toxic, because you have somebody who doesn't really understand themselves yet or what they really want, and then this other person that's over here like trying to invest so much because they really like this other person, and then they end up getting hurt in the process of just like not being able to get on the same page.
Speaker 1:Okay, Jel, let me thank you. I feel like you cannot disturb my peace. I will not have it, I will not tolerate it. I feel like when you get to a certain age, if you're not thinking about certain things, you don't have to have it perfectly wrote down, all that you don't. But if you don't have certain things and goals in your life, like, why even try? You know like that's a red flag. Red flag, but I'm not saying that any relationship, any relationship is perfect. You're going to have arguments, but how are we going to get through this argument? So we don't argue.
Speaker 1:Can we sit down, have a conversation, a decent conversation, with one another? Like we shouldn't be having any extra drama that life already doesn't bring. You know like, yeah, don't disturb my peace, that's got you, I got you. So how do you know if you are in a toxic relationship? I know when I'm in a toxic relationship. If it's more of me giving than receiving, okay, like I'm not saying that you have to have something, but if we're in two people and we're in a relationship, we have to be halfway, at least halfway. Sometimes one might do 80, the other might do 20 or whatever. It might get like that sometimes, but in the beginning. You should be able to meet me halfway, we should be able to talk, we should be able to disagree. And if we disagree, like, how are we going to solve this? What are our goals, our plans, our dreams, what is it? If you have none of that, then what are we going to do? We're not going to do nothing. Sorry, jalen, what you thinking?
Speaker 2:I'm thinking, what makes me think that I'm in a toxic relationship? I guess I would say kind of similar in the sense of, if it's anything that is like I'm all about balance, I can feel like energy. And when it shifts, when it's moving, and anytime I feel like kind of like how she said, like I'm giving out more than I'm getting back, is when I start to feel like, okay, something is not right More. But even in like a toxic situation, like there's so many different flags, especially like what's toxic, like is the other person controlling? Like that's toxic.
Speaker 2:Are there certain behaviors that you look for? Or is it like in communication, when she's saying, like we should be able to sit down and have a conversation? Well, when you try to have a conversation, is it like, do you walk out of it understanding each other a little more? Or does it every time we try to talk about something, does it resort to an argument? Does it get physical? Like that's where I say where the toxic line comes in. It's all about, like I guess, just the behaviors of it all, and the communication is kind of where you start to see where it becomes toxic.
Speaker 1:Okay, I have a question. Okay, talking about toxic relationships, when do you notice that it's a toxic relationship? Do you notice after the person start putting their hands on you?
Speaker 2:Oh, you have to be directly.
Speaker 1:No, I'm just saying because I came in on the tail end, so is it? It's red flags, up to that. When do you choose to pay attention to those red flags?
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:So is it the red flag. And if that red flag get knocked down, oh, I got this far, let me push it. Oh, here she, let me go that far, I'm gonna push it again. Oh, okay. So now I'm gonna start putting my hands on you, but it was five red flags before you even got to that and you never said anything.
Speaker 1:So when is it as a toxic relationship? When is it? Do we say, okay, I love myself, but I love myself more to say no, I'm not gonna let it get to that level? I think it's. It goes back to your actually goes back to your mindset for real, and I mean that to the fact of it's going back to the basis of your pain that you're reliving. So if, if you are wanting to be accepted so bad by that person that you're in a relationship with and you are tolerating the tox, the tox, toxicity, toxicity, that much because you're wanting to stay in that relationship, but you know it's wrong, but you see the red flags, I think that is, you know that's within that area, and it goes back to you know again the past. That's what I think Okay.
Speaker 1:But if you say, say, for instance, you're in a relationship, well, I'm in a relationship. I'm in a relationship with a guy and you know I'm doing great here, business wise, this, then the third, and then I realized how great I was doing before the guy. The guy comes in all of a sudden I don't see the red flags and everything starts to do in a little way because I'm in a toxic relationship, worried about somebody else. So I know how I was before I got into the relationship. I know how it felt to be me, to be happy. All this I'm not saying this is me in real life. I'm just. I know how it was when I was on my high and then I got with this person and I could see myself going down Like I'm not doing things that I used to do, my business isn't going the way I wanted to go, my life isn't going the way I wanted to go, but I got somebody else knowing in my ear and I think it just goes back to the fact that you're just choosing to accept it. So okay.
Speaker 1:So when we don't pay attention to the red flags in the toxic relationship, you're saying that they chose to accept it. They chose to accept it because they feel like and this is my opinion they feel like that within that relation, that toxic relationship that you know they've been hurt before and this is the only relationship that it's going to work out and so, but they know the red, they know the red flags, they see the red flags, but this is the only relationship that they can see. They can't see anything else. I'm just saying they can't see anything else. So they see, I can't, I can't understand how you work so hard for something like you know the time that you put in everything, like the years, to get where you want to be in life, and then you let somebody come in and take that from you, like when do you stop? When do you say I can't do this anymore, you are hurting me. When do we stop?
Speaker 2:I think and I can say this from experience, right, because I've been in that situation and I was that person who had to make that decision and I'll say, for me it comes from a place of like, when you have that self awakening or that self realization that you don't really need this person and that you are going to be okay by yourself. And I think, for me, I personally allowed myself to stay in that situation somewhat out of fear of what they would do to me, because this person was like very violent, physically and verbally, like threatening and things like that. So like there was an element of like survival, of, oh my gosh, like if I do one thing wrong or this person just saw and I'll be out of here. So I think it stayed for a while out of that like fear for my life, like for as long as I could cling to it. But I do think, over time, like there was this overwhelming feeling of just unhappiness and it was like a guttural like feeling that I had in that moment of I know now that I have to choose either you or me in this situation, like I literally had this moment and I knew that in that moment I had to choose myself and by any means necessary it did whatever I had to do to get myself out of it.
Speaker 2:Not everybody is in that situation, can do that, because everybody's situation is different, but I'll just say that was it. For me is when I had that moment of like self realization and self awakening, is when I finally slapped myself and said how long are you going to continue to take this? Because you don't Hmm.
Speaker 1:That, that, that voice that's in us, that voice was in you the whole time. It was those voice, those were those red flags. You knew it, you seen it, it was in your face and you still decide to walk right over there.
Speaker 2:It's true. I mean especially in the beginning because, like I guess, for me in my experiences, like through childhood, so like my parents were divorced when I was two and like all of my dad's other, like brothers and stuff, they all have divorces so it's like a thing in my family. So I always told myself, like when I was an adult, I don't want to repeat those same cycles of them having failed relationships.
Speaker 1:Okay, no question no, go ahead why do you think those relations, why do you think those relationships were failed?
Speaker 2:I don't really know like all of the stories, Like I only know like bits and pieces of, like my parents or whatever. But I just know like for them I guess they were on two different pages of where they wanted to go within their marriage and they didn't agree on that.
Speaker 1:So it was kind of like why do you think it was a failure, though?
Speaker 1:For them just because two people split, that doesn't mean that they're failure, because this person learned what they needed to learn. This person learned what they needed to learn. If we believe in God and everything, god already knew how long they was going to be together. So everything we do is already planned out right, so we take everything for the good. At the end of the day, we're not together, but what do we create together? Because on here on earth like this, this is not our life. This is not our life. When we die, who hurts somebody else? So, while when two people got together, created a union probably bought a house, probably bought a car, probably probably been in years together, probably learned things together why was that a failure? It's not a failure Just because we decided that we grew apart. Well, I'm gonna.
Speaker 2:That's just how like I was brought up to, because it was just taught in, especially like from the old folks. Y'all will know they say once you get married, you ain't no divorce, you signed up life.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Once you sign up. Like divorce is literally failure.
Speaker 1:Like for the whole day.
Speaker 2:No, we're, we're just saying, that's where it come from.
Speaker 1:That's what the old folks do say. But what I can say is that, okay, so are you saying this when people get divorced and that's only because they grow apart? Is that what you're saying? I disagree with that. Why? Because I believe people get divorced because of different circumstances that happen.
Speaker 1:So we can't say that every divorce is a thing of growing apart because, for example, one divorce could be like of an abusive relationship, another divorce could be cheating, another divorce could be, you know, on along those lines. But abusive abuse and cheating. I don't think that's growing apart. I think that's more of a domestic type, not so much of the negative aspect of it. Are you saying excluding that? You're saying as if things are left on good terms. But you're saying people divorce, but they're on good terms. That's what you're saying, right, nothing physical. Okay, you know, it's just two people who just decided to go their separate ways. Okay, okay, I get what you're saying. Yeah, so I wouldn't say every marriage, but two people just grow apart and it's sad because I created a union. But wherever it goes, they learn something from the union that they created.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so we have to stop looking at it, because people can be in a marriage for years and be tormented? Yes, so why is it the fact that they can't leave? Because somebody else told them their marriage is a failure if they get a divorce? Because, again, like Jaylin said, it goes back to the old school from you taught from your grandparents and their grandparents is that if you're in a marriage, you have to, regardless of how you feel you got to work it out, and if you don't work it out, that's my whole thing. Why should we look at it as a failure? It's not a failure.
Speaker 1:If I need to get out for myself, for my safety, I'm going to get out. That's why I think this generation, our generation and on down, we don't do that. I think we, if you're unhappy and if we're, you know, if it's failing, then we get out. You know, that's where it is A lot of things of the older things way of the thinking is not not working out anymore, where we're not following the old ways of thinking.
Speaker 2:You know it's definitely true and I think a lot of it from their generation. Like, if we think about it, like back then, like my grandma she got married, I want to say she was had to be at least 16 when she married my grandpa and they're like still together all these years. But back then they married so young because it was almost like a necessity thing. Like girl, you have age, you better find you a husband that can get you a job and take care of you.
Speaker 1:Did you pray then?
Speaker 2:Right Pretty much have kids, take care of the house and do what you got to do. Be there for your man. Now, today it's like I don't need no man to do what for me, I can do it for myself. So like that's why our generation is a little different, because back then, like just life in general, the culture of everything was just so different back then and now we have access to so much more to do for things on our own, independently, as people and as a race too Like we have so much more access to doing that for ourselves that we really don't need a partner for those same things that they needed back then. So now it's like if you want a divorce, okay, bye, I'll find me somebody else who will treat me just as right. But I learned a lot about myself in the process.
Speaker 1:So I got a question for you all. So let's say you guys found out that your friend, your friend, is in a toxic relationship, and you know they're in a toxic relationship and you see it's a bad toxic relationship, but they refuse to admit it. So what do you do, as that friend, to try and help them? Or do you do anything, or do you say anything, or do you sit back? What do you do in that situation? I'm saying something every time you come around, not to be me or anything like that, but to bring to your attention. I'm not lying to you, it's true. I mean, if you like, if you can tell me you like getting beat on or whatever, then I ain't gonna say nothing else, but I'm not gonna let my friend be in a toxic relationship. No, and I'm not saying nothing, I know it.
Speaker 2:No, I'm like that too. I will say something. I have like different approaches right. So like only because I've been through it, so I know at certain things, like you'll tell people stuff and they ain't gonna hear you anyways, so you just got to love them, through the mess that they're going through, be there to support. But when I see things and hear things that you might tell me or observe, I'm the first one to point it out and we'll have a conversation about it. And, like you said, like if I get the sense that they seem like they like it and they okay with it, I mean at that point it's on you. But I feel like as a friend to this person, I would at least want to tell them what I see and then they can make their own choice from there.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, I agree, I've been in a similar situation where I've observed a friend in a toxic relationship and it was a kind of bad relationship, but they, I guess you can say they didn't want to really hear that they were in that type of relationship and I wasn't the only one that said something, and so, like, like Jess said, it's a thing of that, you know, we kind of remind them, but it's not an aggressive type thing, because you don't want to be too aggressive where they just like you know what, if y'all, I don't want to talk to y'all no more than they in the blocking because I did have that happen before because it was a little over pushy, but it's the thing of you got to be subtle with it and then when they decide to get help, they're like, okay, now I want help and you can go ahead and offer your help. And if you can't personally help them and I discussed this actually my last live, which is two days ago is that it's good to have resources that can help people and you share those resources, you know, and that way they can get the help that they need, so they can go ahead and escape from whatever they are dealing with, you know. So, yeah, that's, that's my thing, that I had Jazz. You look like you want to say something. I am mothering oh, don't pop it in and out but I am, I'm being a mom, okay, I got you. So I think we kind of briefly, kind of touched on this.
Speaker 1:But why would an individual want to stay in a toxic relationship? Let's just go ahead and address that situation. Why would somebody want to stay in it? Why wouldn't they? Misery Loves Company? They rather be in a toxic relationship than be by themselves, because they scared to deal with it. So, jen, what you think?
Speaker 2:to. A lot of people stay in toxic relationships. Number one because they don't know that they're in one.
Speaker 1:You think so?
Speaker 2:A lot of people. I feel like, like you said, like we ignore the red flags, I feel like a lot of people are in a toxic relationship and don't know that they're in a toxic relationship and that's why, when you try to tell them certain things, they give the reaction that they get, because they're perfectly happy sometimes or they just ignore the red flags and they want to stay in it. But I say for, like other situations, there's like a lot of things, like, obviously, people that have like maybe they have kids with this person, maybe they may stay in it because you know they have a lot invested or they have a lot to lose in this situation, so they don't want to get out of it, because they have other circumstances that it might be better for them to stay in it. I don't know, but I do think there's a lot of reasons why certain people may stay, but I think the big one is that a lot of people don't know that they're in a toxic relationship.
Speaker 1:Jazz looked like he was going to rebuttal. Go ahead, go ahead, I don't care, I listen, them kids will be okay. Them kids probably will be happier when you by yourself and you don't have to deal with the yelling, the arguing, the fighting, the police call it, all of that. No, you take care of yourself. And I'm only telling you y'all this because I'm, you know, the grow up, you know, but no, you don't have to deal with that. Life is so easy when you say no, you do not have to deal with that. Them kids are okay. They want to see mommy and daddy happy. And if mommy and daddy have to be a part for them kids to see them happy, then that's just what it is. No, no, no. But to your point, some people, like Jaylin said, some people may not see it that way.
Speaker 1:So they see it again. They're putting somebody else in front of their selves.
Speaker 1:Wait, wait wait when you gonna love yourself enough to say I'm, I'm worth it. I don't care if he's gonna hurt his feelings. I don't care if he's gonna hurt the kids feelings, my mama feelings, whoever feels this. When are you gonna put your feelings first, like you know what something may write. Now, what if finances, though? What if that's tied in together? So, for instance, for instance, let's say y'all get a house together or apartment together, something like that, both y'all cosign the house or the apartment, whatever, and then things get bad where it turns into a toxic relationship or whatever. And then, for instance, there's like y'all can't stand one another, I can't leave. But if you leave it's joint, like together, you can have it, you would say If it's worth my peace, you can have all of that.
Speaker 1:I don't want nothing tied to it. You know how like okay. So say you, in a toxic relationship, y'all break up. You go this way, your other person go that way, and then the other person call you. I think I left my charger over there. You can't go buy a $10 charger. No, you just want to see me. I want to throw everything away. I don't want to have anything else to do with you. Don't call me, don't text me. We have nothing to talk about, no more, you can have it. My credit. Okay, that's fine, I'll fix it later.
Speaker 1:If I can get rid of you, seriously get rid of you, and I'm seriously tired of you. I don't want to have nothing to do with you. That's if you're really tired and you really want to get away. But if we want to keep playing this game, oh well, I need you until no, because if I got to go and sit on somebody's couch for a while until I get my money together to get an apartment to get away from you, that's just what I'm going to have to do. I love myself too much to be in a house with somebody and go on to sleep and we arguing and I don't know what you got going on and I really don't want to be there. How is that home? That's horrible. You are deserving my peace, sir. I don't need you, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So what do you think will make a person to say they have completely just had enough, to your point where they just accepted like, ok, that's it, that that's it. It could be anything, but it could be the little, the littlest things, just because I was in a relationship before and I know these red flags, and I'm in a relationship now and I see it, I'm out by. I'm not playing like I can't. I can't play, I'm not going to let you, I'm not going to let it get to you hitting on me because I let myself down. I can't blame him for hitting on me and I stayed there, which I'm never.
Speaker 1:I'm never saying anything is wrong. I'm somebody should never put their hands on somebody else, never. But I can't sit and let you put your hands on me. If I can get away and I know for a simple fact, like I know, this is not right I need to leave, I need to exit. I'm not waiting on you to exit, I'm not waiting for you to come back and tell me you left your socks, your T shirt, you left your toothbrush. I don't need that. I don't want that. If I'm seriously ready to leave this toxic relationship, I'm leaving everything. You have it, I don't care.
Speaker 2:I think I mean it's off situation based, based on you know, that relationship. But for me there is a level of like how she was saying, like the personal how I was saying, like it's your personal realization, like once you have that awakening moment of yourself, whatever that it could be, because I do feel like we all have different thresholds as to what we could allow and when we've had enough. Like some people can take a lot and some people, like they're ready to go off on the smallest thing. So I feel like it depends. But for me I'll say, now that I've gone through the situations that I've gone through, I am a lot quicker now to nip things in the bud when I see them sooner.
Speaker 2:And I feel like a lot of it is yeah, you could like this person, but being a lot more cautious and aware in communication to what they're saying, but not just what they're saying, but paying attention to what they're doing.
Speaker 2:And when you feel like what they're doing and what they're saying is not lining up, then we have to have a communication and then, if the conversation doesn't go anywhere, like I feel, like once I bring it to your attention, the energy that you give back, let's me know if you're going to be toxic, because if I can come to you, we can have this conversation, understand what's going on. How can we work on it to make it better for each other, then, cool, this is a person that I can see myself building something with. But if I bring it to your attention and then you start trying to use it to turn it on me and then start saying negative things about me, or if it ultimately, like, immediately escalates into an argument and we start getting loud and what have you, then I know this is a problem, because where are we going to continue to go in the future if we can't even have a small conversation about this one thing?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm born with a Godfriend that when I want him to hear something and I may say something to him, I turn around and I ask him what did I say? When I say what do I say? And he responds back to me. I could tell if he was actually listening to me or if he just was thinking of what I heard, what he heard. So I will say, no, I didn't say that. This is what I said. Now, like, what do you think I said?
Speaker 1:And sometimes people don't even know that. They're not listening. And that's where the argument comes up from. If I say, anthony, what did you have for breakfast this morning, you tell me what you have for breakfast and then I turn around and tell you something totally different. Why would I tell you that that's not what you had? But I wasn't listening. And all you asked me was a simple thing like what did you have for breakfast? That's all that was said. But we don't listen. Listening is key. It is. It's a relationship. It's a relationship with one accused and listening communication. So got another question for you guys Can a relationship evolve from being toxic to a healthy one once an individual, once it's been identified, excuse me, and the issues have been addressed.
Speaker 1:You're saying Say it again. I said can a relationship evolve from being toxic to a healthy once it's been identified and the issues have been addressed? Yes, because that person may not have known that they were toxic until somebody told them, and then it's just on them if they're going to change. Like what if they never, nobody ever told them and they didn't know. So yeah, it could be a healthy relationship if both of them are willing to grow. You know, and they're tired of the stupid stuff. I guess yeah.
Speaker 2:I would say too, like I never want to say anything is impossible, because, of course, like if both parties take the necessary steps to fix the behavior or whatever it is, then yeah.
Speaker 2:But that's in the thing, like with both parties defining what do we need for me to know that we can get better from here, because person A can say, yes, I have changed, but if person B does not see any difference, then you're not getting anywhere.
Speaker 2:So I feel like in some people also have this issue of being accountable for their own behavior, even on the other party who feels victimized, because they sometimes feel, like, because they've taken on so much pain that they have done nothing wrong in this situation, and I feel like it really takes a lot for a person to grow and understand themselves. That's why I said, like when you have two people on two different pages who don't fully understand themselves yet, that's where you get the toxicity from, because somebody still has some growing somewhere to do, because when it's coming together it's always a clash. So until you are accountable of your human, adult self, knowing yourself in and out, knowing the things that you do wrong, knowing the things that you do right, like it's going to take all of that realization until they be able to come together and not be toxic anymore. So I do feel like that's the work that a lot of people don't want to do. They'll just say that they have changed, but they don't actually change anything.
Speaker 1:They'll just say to change in order to stay in the relationship, but then they haven't done anything. They haven't done work to change.
Speaker 2:Correct, and then you just go through the same cycles.
Speaker 1:Let's see so. Another question for y'all how does a person get out of a toxic relationship?
Speaker 2:Baby scream, fight, yell, claw, nail teeth. Call your sister, your auntie, whatever you got to do, baby call me. Look y'all on Facebook live. If you in a toxic relationship and you need to get out, call me. I will DM you my number and I'm coming. What?
Speaker 1:do you think, anthony? What do I think? I personally think, um, yes, if you need help to get out of a toxic relationship, go to go to your friends, go to somebody that you, um, you feel like you can, you can talk to and just be like, hey, okay, I need help, like I don't know how to get out of this. Um, can you help me? And this went back. This goes back to what I said earlier Can you help me? And if, let's say, somebody comes to me and they ask me if I can help them, if I can't, I've got resources to where a resource can help them get out. And it's good to again share resources with other people and that way they can get out of a dangerous situation, because if you leave somebody in a dangerous situation, that could turn detrimental and catastrophic.
Speaker 1:So always, if, some if, and you, you just have to pay attention to the signs. You got paid attention to your friends, so you got to pay in, and I said this, said this A couple of nights ago you just got to pay attention to your friends and how they are acting, how they are acting, how they are acting on social media, if you, if you have a friend that you have not, that you talked to in a regular, for instance. And let's say, if you have a friend or whatever, check on that friend making sure they're okay. But if you have a friend, you know that y'all don't talk to in a regular but y'all still are, like title, whatever. But they post stuff on social media and if you see something is off, check on that friend. You know I'm saying always look at signs and clues to make sure your people are okay, because this, this world, is crazy and you just don't know.
Speaker 1:You know, and if you have, if you, if you can be that beacon of help to help somebody, you help them. You know, you do what you got to do to help them. And if that means also to call the police, if you in another state, then you got to do what you got to do. And if you don't care, if that friend says, no, I don't need help, whatever.
Speaker 1:But if you know something's about to go down, then you got to do what you got to do to say that friend, because that friend may tell you know, but then next thing you know they on the nine o'clock news, whatever they gone, and you don't have the guilty of subconscious, knowing that you could have saved that friend had you a picked up their phone and be like hey, I think something is going on with x, y and v. I need some somebody to get out there. Mind you, your friend probably mad at you how you say they like I forgive you, but then they're gonna be like, thank you, I'm mad at you, but thank you, that's my, that's mine. I think you should just run, just get away. But even if you have to figure it out later, like I'd rather be alive, I figured out.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna add to to what you were saying, anthony.
Speaker 2:Like you were saying, like the biggest thing I was being silly earlier with my response, but honestly, like having gone through that, I will say the biggest way to get out of it For anybody who's like might be going through that right now that may be listening to this podcast like you have to love yourself and you have to prioritize yourself and put yourself first, because so many times when you're choosing to stay in these situations, you're constantly either suppressing your own feelings or suppressing questions in your mind that you already know the answer to, but like you're continuing to take on the pain and swallow it because you feel like you can't get out or this person is the best person for you, or what have you?
Speaker 2:Just know that you don't deserve that and you deserve so much more in this life and in this situation. It may seem like it's like just detrimental, because I was there, like I literally felt like there was no other option and there was no way out, and I can tell you that there's life at the end of the tunnel if you choose yourself, but you have the power within you to do it. You just have to wake up and make it happen.
Speaker 1:And I think it goes back to what we said earlier is that you have to have that acceptance of that. You know what? I'm finally choosing me. I'm finally choosing me and I'm saying, hey, I'm not taking any more BS. So this is it. So I have. Well, that is it. Any final final thoughts from you guys? I'm the best listening out there as far as on a mental health point of view, because I know with toxic toxicity that can cause depression and anxiety, because some people may feel depressed in a certain situation because of that relationship and again, you know they are just struggling, trying to get out. So any final words of encouragement for people.
Speaker 2:Like, yes, final words, gravitate towards things that you love, Because so often in toxic relationships people get withdrawn either from family members or, you know, they slowly like stop hanging around their old friends or stop doing things that they used to do because now they're so into this person. And I would say, like, just gravitate towards things that you enjoy doing, things that bring you happiness, and hopefully, within the process of doing that and choosing to, like, put yourself first. Then you'll start to see like there's so much more out there for you to tap into and so much more for you to do. And this relationship, trust me, is not the end, because if it was meant to be, it would not be that toxic and it would not be bringing you that much harm. Like she said, like, choose peace at all costs and if it's robbing you of your peace, baby, you don't need it, let it go, drop it.
Speaker 1:No, I have it in my head and it went away like that. But far as anybody in a relationship get out, like if you have nobody to talk to talk to God, I'm telling you, if it's plenty of time, I've been in the shower with the Lord. I don't know what to do. I'm going to get it today, because I ain't got it today. I need you to handle this. I will give it up to him in a minute and once you give it up to him, you can't think about it ever again. You have to let it go. Let it go into God. If anything is too strong for you, give it to God. Don't run to your friend or run to your neighbor, your mom, your dad. Let it go, and let it go and be happy and enjoy life, because it might be one day that you don't wake up to that toxic relationship. So, yeah, that's it. Just give it a go, all right? Well, thank you guys for coming on.
Speaker 1:I think this is a really good discussion and this will be released on my podcast, where it'll be edited and everything like that. So it'll be released on my podcast and this will be released on my podcast sites as well, as it will be released on the YouTube, so you'll get to see the video version as well as the audio version. This will, of course, stay on my Facebook page as well. So again, thank you guys for coming on. Y'all were awesome. Thanks, good conversation. I really enjoyed it. Thanks for the conversation. So again, guys, make sure y'all check out, check me out, state of the podcast. Make sure you all subscribe to all of my platforms. I can find me on iTunes, amazon music, pandora, spotify, I heart, google, podcast, pot, being, etc. Go ahead and you said what's your ID that people can find you on.
Speaker 2:Oh, yes, you can find me at King JJ Y Chris.
Speaker 1:And then miss Jay, hi miss J Grace, hi miss J Grace. So Instagram is at J dot grace, underscore here, underscore studio. Facebook is J Grace hair studio. Also Jasmine Grayson for shorter. If you need that, yes, go. Saucy dot com. Best last J Grace hair studio. All right, well, on that note, guys, thank you all for the support and this will be my last Facebook live for this month. I believe I may have another one. I'm not sure yet, but if not, this is the last one.
Speaker 1:Make sure you guys take care of yourselves mentally for this mental health awareness month, unplugged, unplugged. I know a lot of things are going on in this world right now, especially with the shootings and everything that's taking place, but if you can't handle it mentally unplugged, I tell people all the time just get off of social media for a good week, a good week. Get out and turn off the phone, get turn off the, the, the news, stop watching news for, for instance. Just get outside and enjoy. Like a lot of people, I think they we have gone, grown accustomed to just being on social media All the time that we forget to actually just to go outside and the sun to soak in our skin. You know, we just run around and, you know, take walks in the parks and honest stuff, or you know you do your various sports activities and whatnot. You know you can do that because we're so consumed of being on the phone, like you're constantly on your phone, why don't you? I think, watch, I'll do this why don't you not? I challenge people to do this why don't you just see how long you can go without actually picking up your phone and looking at it, just to see how you, how, how long you can do that.
Speaker 1:I think it's a great homework. What time is it up? Let me give my phone and look. Okay, outside of picking up, outside of looking at the time, social media, social media see how long you can go without going on social media and answering, like maybe emergency texts and stuff like that. But just see how long you can do that and for track, how many times you do it, because I'm sure a lot of people you don't even know subconsciously you're doing it Like, like literally, you don't know like you could be at work and obviously then you just picking up your phone, just looking at it, or you just in you in the car just picking up, looking at it when my phone dies. That's the most that I picked up. I know my phone is dead, but I keep trying to look at it and I'm like why am I keep thinking about?
Speaker 2:it.
Speaker 1:Like it's like. I think we as a society we really need to get back out there and and start actually enjoying like the outside and enjoying like regular activities, like we used to do back when we were younger, you know before. Like go outside all day, get locked out the house. Like go outside and go play yeah. Like you walk up the street to the salvation army Kids can't do that now. No, walk to the store.
Speaker 1:You remember, you remember when I used to go to your grandma house and we used to walk up to the, that neighbor that sold the, the candy lady, yeah, yeah, but people, obviously people can't do that now because times are different, Because you and it going to somebody's house and have been shot. But like that, that's a real thing. But you can. You can go to parks, family outings. There's a lot of things that families can do as far as outings and stuff like that. So I just challenge everybody to just try and in the plug as much as you can. That way I think your mental health will start to Start become a better, more positive person. You won't be so engrossed with you, won't with the news, won't be so depressed all the time, you know.
Speaker 1:I mean the world is depressing. You don't have to be depressed with the world, you know. But that's my soapbox. But thanks, guys, and I will see you guys later again. These audits episodes will be released within this month, and next couple days I will release how to turn purpose in the pain, or how to turn pain in the purpose, sorry, and then my other episodes after that. So far they're doing. I'm out Bye now.
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