THEATER 181: There's No Such Thing As Vampires

Pat and Robin meet at a dance and then head to Pat’s basement apartment. They start watching a televised broadcast of the classic film Dracula. One of them is terrified by the film. The other counsels, “There’s no such thing as vampires.” That’s right…..Isn’t it?

Kim Hlavac directs Ann Noble and Rob Nagle.
 
John Cimics, a writer based in Midland, Texas, is the playwright.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hello and welcome to Opendoor Playhouse, a theater podcast that celebrates live theater on the podcast stage. I'm Kim Lavik. At Opendo Playhouse, we strive to bring our listeners thoughtful and surprising 10-minute shorts and one-out plays that showcase insightful and new perspectives of the world we share with others. Openoor Playhouse is a 501c3 nonprofit theater organization. Support for Open Door Playhouse comes from listeners like you. Your tax-deductible donations help keep our plays on the podcast stage. And donations can be made at www.opendoorplayhouse.org. Now playing in Theater 182, There's No Such Thing as Vampires. Written by John Simmix, directed by Kim Hlavik, starring Rob Nagel as Pat and Anne Noble as Robin.

SPEAKER_04 1:13

Here it is, home, sweet home.

SPEAKER_03 1:16

Thought we'd never get here. Felt like we were driving through the woods for hours. I could never find my way back here on my own.

SPEAKER_04 1:24

Just plug the address into GPS. 1260 Nosferatu Lane.

SPEAKER_03 1:29

Wow. When you told me your apartment was basic, you weren't kidding. Just this one room? All I need. Why are all your decorations red?

SPEAKER_04 1:38

My favorite color.

SPEAKER_03 1:39

I like red too, but pastel shades, this is all so intense.

SPEAKER_04 1:42

It's all Blood Red. I love it.

SPEAKER_03 1:46

Why would you want to live in somebody's basement?

SPEAKER_04 1:48

Not so much as I want to. Only place I could afford. It's dirt cheap.

SPEAKER_03 1:53

I couldn't do it. Being underground like this would make me feel like I was in a tomb. I need windows so I can look out and enjoy the view.

SPEAKER_04 2:00

I have a window.

SPEAKER_03 2:01

Just this one?

SPEAKER_04 2:03

Hey, I didn't build this place. I just rent the space.

SPEAKER_03 2:06

Why did you paint the window black?

SPEAKER_04 2:08

I work nights. When I get back here just before sunrise, I'm beat. I need all the sleep I can get. That window faces east, so the sunlight coming in was shining my face and keeping me awake. Landlord said I could paint it black, but it's coming out of my security deposit. What a bloodsucker.

SPEAKER_03 2:28

If you work nights, why were you at the dance tonight?

SPEAKER_04 2:32

My night off.

SPEAKER_03 2:33

Glad it was. Even happier you came up and introduced yourself. I'm pretty shy. Never had the courage to just go up to a stranger, especially one as cute as you.

SPEAKER_04 2:42

Really? You think I'm cute?

SPEAKER_03 2:43

You must get that a lot.

SPEAKER_04 2:45

Never get tired of hearing it. Don't know why you chose me. Don't sell yourself short. You were the best dancer in the place. The minute I laid eyes on you, I knew I wanted to invite you home.

SPEAKER_03 2:56

Oh my.

SPEAKER_04 2:57

You have beautiful eyes and such a lovely, graceful neck. Whoa, not so fast. Sorry. Guess I'm behaving like a real wolf.

SPEAKER_03 3:07

Can we sit down? Tired after all that dancing.

SPEAKER_04 3:10

Me too. I'm just dead.

SPEAKER_03 3:16

Hmm.

SPEAKER_04 3:18

Would you like to watch some television?

SPEAKER_03 3:20

Almost midnight. Can't be much on this time of night.

SPEAKER_04 3:23

Let's see. No, hate that show. Drives me baddie. No news. Seen it. Hey, this is great. The Midnight Monster movie.

SPEAKER_03 3:34

No. I hate monster movies.

SPEAKER_04 3:37

Dracula? It's a Hollywood classic.

SPEAKER_03 3:40

Vampires?

SPEAKER_04 3:41

Have you seen it?

SPEAKER_03 3:42

No. I said I hate monsters. Hate vampires, so why would I watch it?

SPEAKER_04 3:46

Just a movie? No such thing as vampires.

SPEAKER_03 3:49

Can't we watch something else?

SPEAKER_04 3:50

You're not gonna make me miss out on one of my favorite movies, are you?

SPEAKER_03 3:53

Don't start trying to make me feel guilty. Vampires scare me.

SPEAKER_04 3:58

Hmm. Tell you what. Let's compromise. Give it a try, just for ten minutes. If you don't like it, we'll watch whatever you like.

SPEAKER_03 4:06

Okay. But watching a scary movie like this at midnight only makes things worse.

SPEAKER_04 4:11

Midnight is the witching hour.

SPEAKER_03 4:16

I don't know how I let you talk me into watching Dracula.

SPEAKER_04 4:19

I have a very hypnotic personality.

SPEAKER_03 4:23

You sound just like him.

SPEAKER_04 4:25

Just give it another minute. See, this is great, isn't it?

SPEAKER_03 4:30

Why doesn't he have any mirrors in his house?

SPEAKER_04 4:33

Vampires don't have a reflection.

SPEAKER_03 4:35

Why not?

SPEAKER_04 4:36

Since they're dead, they don't have a soul. No spiritual essence that makes a reflection. Plus, if vampires had mirrors in their homes and a visitor saw that the vampire didn't have a reflection, it would tell the visitor that the vampire was a vampire. Exactly. Not something they want to advertise.

SPEAKER_03 4:54

Well, doesn't look like you have any mirrors either.

SPEAKER_04 5:00

Watch, this is the best part.

SPEAKER_03 5:03

He likes saying my prayers, and it's not even bedtime.

SPEAKER_04 5:06

Are you very religious?

SPEAKER_03 5:08

Folks sent me to parochial school. All twelve grades, plus kindergarten. What do you think?

SPEAKER_04 5:12

I get your point. Has all the religious training still stuck with you?

SPEAKER_03 5:17

Yeah. By now it's an old habit. Some things never die. My place is filled with crucifixes hanging on every wall. I don't see any hanging on your walls.

SPEAKER_04 5:29

Nope.

SPEAKER_03 5:33

Dracula's Castle looks very spooky.

SPEAKER_04 5:35

Transylvania.

SPEAKER_03 5:37

Is it a real place?

SPEAKER_04 5:38

You bet. Romania.

SPEAKER_03 5:40

Looks awful.

SPEAKER_04 5:41

It's great. I've been there.

SPEAKER_03 5:43

College year abroad program.

SPEAKER_04 5:45

No. Went to visit my Uncle Vlad. He lives there.

SPEAKER_03 5:51

Can't we please turn this off? If you like it so much, I'll purchase it from Netflix and you can watch it in the daylight.

SPEAKER_04 5:56

Daylight would spoil the mood of the movie.

SPEAKER_03 5:59

And vampires can't come out in daylight.

SPEAKER_04 6:02

I've told you there's no such thing as vampires. Don't worry. I'll take care of you. Look in my eyes. Do I look like I'm lying?

SPEAKER_03 6:13

They have little red specks in them.

SPEAKER_04 6:15

It's just the way the light hits them. Look closer.

SPEAKER_03 6:20

I'm starved. Got anything to eat in this fridge?

SPEAKER_04 6:24

Nothing. Going shopping tomorrow.

SPEAKER_03 6:26

I'm not picky. I'll eat anything. This is all you got? Tomato juice?

SPEAKER_04 6:32

I get thirsty.

SPEAKER_03 6:34

Yeah, for like Coke or Pepsi, but tomato juice? That is tomato juice, isn't it?

SPEAKER_04 6:42

I told you, I don't have anything. If you're really hungry, I can order a pizza.

SPEAKER_03 6:49

Sounds great. What kind of toppings do you like?

SPEAKER_04 6:51

Meat. Something I can really sink my teeth into.

SPEAKER_03 6:55

Okay, with garlic stuffed crust.

SPEAKER_04 6:57

No, don't like garlic.

SPEAKER_03 6:58

But it makes the pizza taste so much better.

SPEAKER_04 7:00

No garlic.

SPEAKER_03 7:02

Okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 7:04

Sorry. Just know what I like and don't like.

SPEAKER_03 7:06

I'd say.

SPEAKER_04 7:07

Forget about the pizza. Come on. Watch the movie.

unknown 7:10

I'm inspired. Every hour.

SPEAKER_01 7:12

Every day.

SPEAKER_03 7:26

Thanks for all the seductive moves. But I don't think watching Dracula is the best way to put me into a romantic mood.

SPEAKER_04 7:33

Trust me, for the last and final time, there's no such thing as vampires.

SPEAKER_03 7:42

Yes, there is.

SPEAKER_00 8:15

Sound effects are provided by Audio Jungle and music from karaoke version. If you're interested in submitting a play for production, you can find that information on our website, www.opendoorplayhouse.org. Please share this podcast with friends and don't forget to subscribe so you will be notified when our next production is live.