Carrie M. Holt dives into the complex emotions and challenges that come with being a special needs mom but even just a person experiencing suffering. Carrie draws parallels between running and suffering, the tension that arises from both experiences. Carrie shares her insights on how past suffering can strengthen our faith and prepare us for future sorrows. She gives some helpful mindset shifts by looking at it from God's perspective and offers strategies for dealing with suffering, including the practice of lament and finding purpose in pain.
Ep. 144; October 10, 2023
Key Moments:
[1:40] The tension of suffering
[4:19] Muscle memory strengthens us; suffering prepares us.
[6:41] Allow yourself to see suffering's purpose
[11:31] What suffering produces
[13:03] Suffering beyond special needs parents
Resources:
Scriptures mentioned: I Peter 4:12, II Corinthians 4:17, James 1:2-4
Blessings by Laura Story
If you enjoyed the show:
Carrie M. Holt dives into the complex emotions and challenges that come with being a special needs mom but even just a person experiencing suffering. Carrie draws parallels between running and suffering, the tension that arises from both experiences. Carrie shares her insights on how past suffering can strengthen our faith and prepare us for future sorrows. She gives some helpful mindset shifts by looking at it from God's perspective and offers strategies for dealing with suffering, including the practice of lament and finding purpose in pain.
Ep. 144; October 10, 2023
Key Moments:
[1:40] The tension of suffering
[4:19] Muscle memory strengthens us; suffering prepares us.
[6:41] Allow yourself to see suffering's purpose
[11:31] What suffering produces
[13:03] Suffering beyond special needs parents
Resources:
Scriptures mentioned: I Peter 4:12, II Corinthians 4:17, James 1:2-4
Blessings by Laura Story
If you enjoyed the show:
Hi there, it's Carrie today, and you're listening to episode 144. This month, our topic is about suffering, and I've entitled this episode, The Tension of Suffering.
I am a runner, and recently, after about a five-year hiatus because of some health issues, I signed up to run my eighth half marathon. But honestly, there's this tension with running, and I have a headband that explicitly states how I feel about running, which says: I love running, I hate running, I love running, I hate running, and it's neon pink of course. I do love running. I love the endorphins that release, the time I get, to chat with my running buddy, Stephanie (shout out to her because she talked me into running this race again), and the sense of accomplishment. I have been running since high school track, and I really do enjoy it. But the tension is, it's hard. I don't like setting my alarm and getting up at 5.15 to run at 5.45. The sore muscles and the stretching, even though I know all of it's good for me. Suffering is similar to running. There's tension in suffering.
When it comes to suffering, we live in several tensions. We live with questioning how a good God can allow suffering, yet we're given free will to choose him or not choose him. Through the years, I've learned several things about the tension of suffering. And today, I wanna encourage you with a few truths from scripture and some strategies for dealing with suffering.
First of all, one of the things that I have learned is to expect suffering. Peter tells us, “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you as though something strange was happening to you.” Sometimes I feel like when bad things happen or we have a nurse quit or whatever, I'm so shocked by it. I'm also pretty black and white. and I am very much a person, if you've been listening to the podcast for a very long, you know that I like to know what to expect. Ask my husband about this because sometimes when he springs plans on me that I wasn't planning on, I panic. I know that's not good, and I've learned how to be flexible, but I still get knocked off my feet sometimes. I've had to learn, instead of running through all the scenarios, just take this moment by moment.
There are things that I've had to deal with for the last 16 years that I feel like as my son ages, I shouldn't have to deal with it anymore. I mentioned a few seconds ago, that our nurses leaving. We have probably been through over 40 nurses in the last 16 years who have come in and out of our home. There's tension even in this because we can become really cynical and expect all of life to go badly, but that's not a way to live.
We can become bitter and distance ourselves, but then sometimes we're so hopeful, and we expect everything to go really well all the time that we're blindsided by suffering. And we do all these things sometimes to protect ourselves from pain. One thing I've learned though, is past suffering doesn't negate future sorrows, but past suffering can deepen and strengthen our faith. Faith is like a rubber band. It's like exercise and our muscles, just like running. We have to continually be doing it. The longer I'm training for this half marathon that I've signed up for in October, the better my muscles are doing, the more my body slips into that mode, and the muscle memory just comes back. There's a muscle memory in suffering, too. Because past suffering helps us face our future sorrows, our faith has been exercised, and stretched, and our trust has been deepened by our growing relationship with Jesus.
Secondly, another truth about suffering is it's fleeting. Now, that seems like an oxymoron. But Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians, “We do not lose heart, though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed daily. But this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison..” Sometimes it doesn't feel fleeting. And honestly and truly, sister, it feels grinding, and it wears us down. But there is an encouragement and a reminder that we shouldn't lose heart because in comparison, what we're experiencing here on earth is light and momentary compared to all of eternity. The good news is even though our outer self is wasting our way, our inner self can be renewed through the power of the Holy Spirit day by day. I mentioned this in the podcast last month, but I'm just beginning to understand the power of the Holy Spirit that lives inside of us. He renews us. He's like a river of flowing water. I was looking up some of these scriptures, and it reminded me of a song that I used to sing in Sunday school that says,
“I've got a river of life flowing out of me. It makes the lame to walk and the blind to see. Opens prison's doors, sets the captive free. I've got a river of life flowing out of me.
And that's true of all of us if we have Jesus as our savior. We have the river of life, we have access to the power to remember and understand that this world is not our home, we're just passing through. We shouldn't lose heart, because, in comparison to glory, our suffering is light and momentary.
It leads me to the next point: suffering is never without a purpose if we allow it. James reminds us, “Count it all joy, brothers and sisters, when you meet trials of various kinds, for we know that the testing of our faith produces steadfastness, and let steadfastness have its full effect that we are perfect and complete lacking in nothing.” I know I'm paraphrasing that scripture just a little bit to make it more personal for us, but the truth is, is that suffering is never without purpose if we open up and allow Christ to enter into it with us. I'm not saying that we have to be okay, put on a fake smile, and just act like everything's okay. We're gonna talk about lament in a little bit, but we need to remember that there is a purpose for pain.
I have learned this recently in relation to my son's diagnosis. He has Spina Bifida, which is a defect in his spinal cord. His nerves are damaged, very similar to a spinal cord injury. He doesn't really have much feeling from the waist down. One day, he hit his foot, and it was bleeding everywhere, we had a conversation about how he needed to check his skin. It's actually quite dangerous for him and us when we don't feel pain.
Pain is a signal. It reminds us of something. It tells us that something is going on and it's a signal to something deeper. there's also a purpose in our pain. What are some ways and strategies that help us stay grounded when we're going through some really tough times?
First of all, it's the practice of lament. Lament gives us the language to live in the tension of suffering. This is where it's important for us not to plaster a smile on our faces and act like everything is okay when it's not. A friend asked me last week how my day was going, and I was having a really bad day. I gave her an honest answer. I said, “You know what? I'm really not having a good day, but it's all right.” I didn't go into detail, but unless we want to connect with people on a surface level, we need to start being real with them, and it starts with us being real with God. We see this repeatedly throughout the Psalms as David and others pour out their heart to him with their messy emotions and feelings and rantings. We also see Jesus repeatedly going away alone to pray. I'm always amazed at Jesus' prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane the night before he went to the cross, asking that the cup would pass from him if it were his father's will, but also asking for his father's will. Again, there's that tension of how in the world did Jesus, being God, know what he was going to face on the cross, knowing that it was for redemption to redeem ourselves to him. Our sin has a cost, a price, a penalty that had to be paid and Jesus took it for us. But yet he's still praying this lament that he doesn't want to face it. When I learned that years ago, it opened up a world where I can be honest with God about everything and lament this suffering.
Secondly, a strategy is remembering that our Savior is with us, even when we don't feel it. A lot of times when we're in situations, we can control, we leave God out of it. We have a loving Savior who sympathizes with our weaknesses, and he experienced what it's like to live on this earth. He suffered for us so our suffering would have purpose. We never suffer for no reason under the blood of Jesus.
Another way that I've learned to deal with suffering is by keeping that long-term perspective. There's an older song by Laura Story called Blessings. That word in modern culture, at least in church, has come to honestly mean something always positive. You have a nice car and house, or you get an extra bonus at work. These are all of God's blessings. But in several places in the New Testament, that Greek word is eulogia, where we get our word for eulogy or benediction. It has several meanings. It can mean praise, laudation of Christ, polished language, and then again, the invocation of blessing, benediction, consecration, or a concrete blessing or benefit.
We always talk about blessings as though they're all the good things God gives us. But what if it also can include the suffering that we go through because it reminds us the world is temporary? It's producing steadfastness, patience, and resilience in us. I have come to learn that suffering produces blessings. It produces benefits in our lives, especially if we remember that this world is not our home and that God has a purpose. Sometimes, the greatest times of pain and suffering have also been the times of greatest growth in my life if I'm honest with myself. How about you? Can you think back and see how God's been working on a purpose in your life?
Next, it's really important to pay attention to our reaction when things don't go the way we plan. What is it in your suffering that triggers the strong emotions, the anger, the fear, the grasping, the overdoing like Amy talked about in her podcast? As I mentioned earlier, the bubbling up of our emotions gives us clues to the deeper pain from within and how we've learned to deal with life's disappointments from our childhood. Cathay Loerzel and I had this conversation in episode 138. If you missed it, I encourage you to go back and listen to it, and also to dive into the task of story work. It has helped me to pay attention to how I react to certain things in my life and has equipped me to deal with the future suffering that I might go through.
Last, I want to encourage you not to go through this alone. You should know that we're here for you, and if you want to reach out and talk to me about something you're going through, you can reach out to me through our email. The links are in the show notes. One thing that we've learned as we've gotten feedback about our book, The Other Side of Special, is we've had a lot of people read it who are not special needs moms. They have said, Carrie, the reason why I can relate to this is because there's a similar language of suffering. Suffering speaks a common language. There are common emotions we feel when we're going through difficult times.
Don't be afraid to reach out to someone. You may not have the exact same situation. Maybe they don't even have a child who has special needs, but maybe they've gone through something really hard. You will be surprised at the common emotions and the things that you'll talk about that you can relate with one another. If we can lay aside the competition that my situation is worse than yours and you can't possibly relate to what I'm going through, to encourage one another and bear one another's burdens, it really helps that burden of suffering to be lighter in our lives.
In closing, I would like to end with some of the moving words from Laura Story's song, Blessings, because it wraps up that tension of suffering in such a perfect way.
When friends betray us and when darkness seems to win, we know that pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our home. Because what if your blessings come through raindrops? What if your healing comes through tears? And what if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near? What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world cannot satisfy? And what if the trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are your mercies in disguise?
May you be able to see the sufferings of your life as blessings and know that God is near you through it all.