Ep. 145: Acknowledging Purpose in the Pain as a Disability Mom
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Suffering will come no matter what. It is a part of this broken world. Please don't make light of your pain. Don't feel you should be stronger. Don't feel you should know what to do. And don't feel you should be able to shrug it all off. Instead, ask yourself, what will you eventually shape the pain into?
Welcome to Take Heart, a podcast about creating space for connection, hope, and joy as a mom to a child with disabilities or special needs.
We want you to feel connected and encouraged as we navigate this busy, emotional, joy-filled life together. Hi, I'm Sara Clime. You're listening to episode 145. We're talking about suffering and faithfulness this month. Not to start this episode nerding out too much, but I think it's important to start with the basics.
MiriamWebster.com defines suffering as "the state or experience of one that suffers, or pain."
Dictionary.com defines suffering as "often something suffered by a person or a group of people, or pain, the state or experience."
Suffering can happen in one singular moment, or it can be a state of being over a period of time. Suffering can be experienced individually or as a group of people. And suffering, in its simplest definition, is pain.
One thing I've learned over the past decade of raising my son with disabilities, who also has complex medical needs, is that the definition of suffering is not the state of mentally berating yourself for not being as strong as you think you should be. Suffering will come no matter what. It is a part of this broken world. Please don't make light of your pain. Don't feel you should be stronger. Don't feel you should know what to do. And don't feel you should be able to shrug it all off.
Instead, ask yourself, what will you eventually shape the pain into? How do you not stay stuck in the pain, but use the hardship for personal growth? My personal journey was suffering after receiving my son's diagnosis and revolved around a lot of questions. Admittedly, most of the questions were desperate and confused, and some were even bitter. But these questions were towards God and His plan for my son. I wanted to know why He allowed this to happen. I wanted to know where he was because he sure didn't seem to be present or active in the midst of all that pain.
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I never once doubted there was a God. I simply doubted the kind of God I was raised to believe. Because of my doubts of the type of God was, after a period of grieving, I did what I know best. I researched. I read Scripture, articles, books, and listened to podcasts. If I could get my hands or my ears on it, I was immersed in it.
I paid closer attention in church and during sermons than I ever did before. As time went on, I not only understood Scripture better, but I understood God better. In fact, I understood our lives even with this new devastating turn of events. I understood it all better. My son's terminal diagnosis no longer felt terminal. Oh, sure, it hurt. It still does. I still cry about it.
No mom wants the hard, painful, and sometimes isolated road for their child or for themselves. But I came to realize that understanding God did not mean I would form some sort of Pollyanna view of my son's diagnosis, nor did God expect that from me. What I did come to realize is that understanding God during that season of deep suffering offered me a way to turn my son's diagnosis around for something good. I came to trust Jesus more every day.
What I was learning through my suffering was a spotlight on the weakest part of my faith. God was using my suffering to strengthen me. And I often look back and wonder how I went from such a broken and bitter woman to someone who is absolutely positive God is using our circumstances for good.
How did I mend my fragile mom heart? Well, I didn't, God did. God healed my heart. God gave me the fortitude to look beyond our circumstances.
God gave me the insight to realize that I was mourning my son, but I should be rejoicing what my son was going to bring to the proverbial table and whatever time he has left on this earth. God was and is still using us for the better good, even with our many, many flaws. I can't tell you when it happened. There was no specific book or Scripture that turned it around for me. Oh, I can tell you that certain people had a profound impact on my journey;
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saying things that seemed to spark interest or renewal of my faith within me. But I believe that was from the Holy Spirit as well. The renewal of my faith was both slow yet jolting. I was at a point where I felt like I had nothing to lose spiritually. I knew if I found any fallacy with Christianity, I would accept that at face value, and then I would determine what my next step was from there. But the more I tried to prove God wrong, the more right my faith came to be.
So what did I find? Well, I can unequivocally say that through my suffering, I found God. I found Him in the midst of my doubts and reservations. I found truth, and I found guidance. The relationship I found was not based on a faith I was handed as a child, but it was an intimate relationship with God, one built by both God and myself. It's a relationship, and it takes two of us to build it and maintain it.
I can say I did not find peace with my son's diagnosis. It is one of the hardest things I do, watching my son's body deteriorate slowly and painfully over time. However, I have found peace within our circumstances. Like I said earlier, suffering is the result of a fallen world. But God turned me from a broken woman into someone who will vehemently share the love of Christ. I am a walking testament that no one is so broken they cannot be used by God.
Take a look at his closest friends during his ministry on earth. Among the 12 disciples, there was a tax collector, a murderer, a thief, a doubter, and a betrayer, and all deserted him at the cross. We are never so far from God that he cannot use our suffering for something constructive. He can help us find purpose in our pain.
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How on earth can God find purpose in my pain? I get it; I do. There are times, even 10 years post-diagnosis, that I wonder that myself. How can my son's diagnosis produce anything positive? Well, all I need to do is look at my son, TJ, and remember God's promises to us and that all suffering will come to an end. We can look at our child, our grandchild, our niece, nephew, our friend and know God can use them just as much as he can use anyone.
To think that our child's pain can't be used by God is minimizing God's power, grace, and his love. Here's how I think of suffering or pain.
There are four times I feel suffering can be constructive. And they are,
One: When we are stripped down to the raw state of ourselves, we get to see ourselves in a light that can illuminate the dark places. And we all have dark places. We can see those places within ourselves that need to be fortified, cleaned up, or maybe even softened.
Two: When we have the opportunity to evaluate what is in our lives that needs to change. If we let it, suffering can lead to a change in routine, thinking, or feeling.
Three: When we accept help from others. Yes, accepting help is a good thing, and it will lead to transformation.
Number Four: When we can more readily identify when others are suffering and easily offer authentic support and comfort from a place of knowledge and experience.
There are also four times I feel suffering can be destructive, and those are,
One: When we play the blame game. Whose fault is it? Who is more guilty? And that's a game no one wins, even if you are the sole player in that guilt game.
Two: When we become self-centered, only recognizing our pain and not those of others around us.
Three: When we refuse help from others, often alienating ourselves from family and friends.
Four: When we reject God and his goodness, faithfulness, and love.
The bottom line is suffering isn't a choice. Transforming suffering into something with purpose can be.
I want to leave you with a few reflections when you are in a season of moments of suffering.
- Are you allowing God to be present in your suffering? Or are you pushing him away?
- Are you focused only on your suffering to the exclusion of all joy in your life? If so, acknowledge the joys and gratitudes in your life.
- Is your current suffering more destructive than constructive? Be honest here.
- H. ow can you tip the suffering scales to be constructive for you, your child, your family, and the Kingdom of God?
Thank you for joining me today.