Episode 148:: November 7, 2023
How to Be Content When Your Life Isn’t Easy
Summary: In this episode, Amy discusses the concept of contentment and how it can be challenging to achieve when life isn’t easy. Amy explores the impact of unmet expectations, "if only" thinking, and comparison that contribute to our discontent. She shares personal stories and offers practical steps to help you shift your perspective, find gratitude, and embrace delight in your life.
Key Moments:
[3:10] Three traps that lead to discontent
[5:11] Endless "if onlys" suggest we're never enough
[9:08] Delight doesn't fix what's broken, gives us fuel to press on
[10:36] Noticing the good
Resources:
Is this what you expected? Lisa Qualls
On Delight and Why it Matters: Shauna Niequist
If you enjoyed the show:
Episode 148:: November 7, 2023
How to Be Content When Your Life Isn’t Easy
Summary: In this episode, Amy discusses the concept of contentment and how it can be challenging to achieve when life isn’t easy. Amy explores the impact of unmet expectations, "if only" thinking, and comparison that contribute to our discontent. She shares personal stories and offers practical steps to help you shift your perspective, find gratitude, and embrace delight in your life.
Key Moments:
[3:10] Three traps that lead to discontent
[5:11] Endless "if onlys" suggest we're never enough
[9:08] Delight doesn't fix what's broken, gives us fuel to press on
[10:36] Noticing the good
Resources:
Is this what you expected? Lisa Qualls
On Delight and Why it Matters: Shauna Niequist
If you enjoyed the show:
Ep.148: How to Find Contentment when Life is Not Easy
This summer, I was on Instagram, the central place for discontentment. Anyway, I was on Instagram and saw a picture that stopped my scroll. It was a friend of mine, and she was on vacation with her family. Her teenage daughter was leaning against her mother in such a state of love and trust and rest. That picture gutted me. We don't have that love and trust between mother and daughter in our house because our kids have attachment disorder, and they hold me at arm's length.
Instead of naming that grief and being happy for my friend's relationship with her daughter, I spent a very unfruitful few days looking at that image and cataloging everything wrong in my life and the issues with our kids. It will not shock you that this did not leave me to gratitude and peace.
Welcome to Take Heart, a podcast about creating space for connection, hope, and joy as a mom to a child with disabilities or special needs.We want you to feel connected and encouraged as we navigate this messy, emotional, and joy-filled life together. Hi, this is Amy J. Brown, and you're listening to episode 148.
Today, I'm gonna talk about contentment. What does it mean to be content? Well, the dictionary says it means feeling or showing satisfaction with one's possessions, status, or situation. I've been thinking a lot about this question recently. This is one question that's been asked of me more than once by the moms I mentor.
How can I be content when life doesn't look like I thought it would? I think we often pay lip service to being content. We say things like, everything's fine. I have no reason to complain. It could be worse. But deep down, we have a nagging sense of dissatisfaction with how our lives turned out. Maybe you've just received a new diagnosis, or your house is a war zone due to increasingly challenging behaviors. I've been there. I know how that is. And you have deep discontent. You cannot see.any way to walk forward with gratitude today or ever.
If you feel that way, that's okay. Maybe you have a nagging feeling that everything could just be a little bit better and you were on a constant improvement campaign, always searching for better treatment, systems to keep you organized, and another therapist. Now there is nothing wrong with wanting life to improve for our children and our families, but sometimes our discontent keeps us from seeing the areas where we have what we need.
Or maybe you look at life and thought it would be different, your friends or church would reach out more, your children would get along, or your marriage would not be so lonely. Can I say right now there is no shame in feeling any of these feelings? I have felt discontent in all these ways. But we don't want to stay there because discontent keeps us from looking at our lives with joy and gratitude. How can we be content when our life isn't easy? Well, here are some traps we may fall into that add to our discontent.
Number one: Unmet expectations
.Lisa Qualls wrote on a substack about unmet expectations a few weeks ago and I will link that in the show notes. But here's what Lisa says,” there's a gap between what we expect and our reality. When there's a gap, we need to grieve. This is true not only for adoptive parents, but for everyone who breeze. We all have expectations and many of them are good. We have beautiful dreams, but sometimes no matter how hard we try, we can't make those dreams come true." End quote.
Now it may sound counterintuitive that grieving can lead us to contentment and gratitude, but we need to name and lament before we can move forward. This is an honest first step. In 2012, we brought our son home from Bulgaria. He was 10 years old at the time and had lived in an orphanage all his life. Life in our busy family was a new experience that he seemed to embrace.
He was a happy kid and during the day he did okay. He got used to his new family, his siblings, asking questions on why and how we did things. He did not speak any English when he came into our home, so we did our best to understand each other. But he would get upset every night after we put him to bed, and this is how the familiar routine went. It would start with him throwing out any belongings that we had given him. He would chuck his watch out the door, followed by shoes, clothes, anything he could lift, could be thrown out the door. Then he would start to wail and rage. It would take us sometimes over an hour to calm him. And no matter how hard we tried to reassure him, he needed to grieve. He was missing home. Not the home we provided, but the only home he knew. He could not see the gift of his new family because it was not what he had expected or was used to. And we had to let him grieve, pointing out all the new toys, food, and clothing we were providing would not have been helpful.
He needed to feel all that grief. And all we could do was try our best to be a non-anxious presence to this grieving child. It is the same with us. Often under our discontent is shame, fear, and grief. Life does not look like we thought it would. So we need to name and grieve the gap between what we expected and where we are. Name what you're grieving.
Number two: If Only thinking.
It is easy for me to get caught up in if only thinking.I know we're all familiar with this. If only I had a better church. If only I had understanding friends. If only I had an organized house. If only I had a smaller body, I would be content. I often think if I get the system right, I will become the person I want to be. But this kind of thinking is never satisfied. And at the base of this thinking is the lie that we are not enough. What are your if onlys?
What areas do you tell yourself you need to improve? Do those spaces have a never-ending expectation that will never be satisfied? Do they make you feel closed in and unfree? I fall into this so quickly when I talk to other moms whose kids have the same diagnosis as mine, but they seem to be doing much better than my kids. I think if only I would have done this or that differently. Search for more treatments or try it harder. Friend, this thinking will only exhaust us as we chase an ideal we will never meet.
Another trap for discontent is the familiar comparison. This is a big one that steals our joy and makes us discontent. This summer, I was on Instagram, the central place for discontentment. Can I stop right now and say, if social media is stealing your piece, put it down, or start unfollowing accounts that make you feel less than? Only follow accounts that inspire and encourage.
Don't let social media rob you of joy. Okay, lecture over. Anyway, I was on Instagram and saw a picture that stopped my scroll. It was a friend of mine and she was on vacation with her family. Her teenage daughter was leaning against her mother in such a state of love and trust and rest. That picture gutted me. We don't have that love and trust between mother and daughter in our house because our kids have attachment disorder and they hold me at arm's length.
Instead of naming that grief and being happy for my friend's relationship with her daughter, I spent a very unfruitful few days looking at that image and cataloging everything wrong in my life and the issues with our kids. It will not shock you that this did not lead me to gratitude and peace. It only led me to discontent. So these three ways are how we can get caught up in discontent, unmet expectations, if only thinking in comparison. And there are so many more.
But let's talk about steps that help us when we find ourselves in this place. How can we trust that God is bringing something new and that we have what we need? The first one is delight and celebration. What if the opposite of discontent was celebration and delight? What if every time we felt the nag of not enough, we stopped to celebrate or find delight in our lives? Okay, you may be rolling your eyes right now and thinking, yeah, right, I get it. I understand that.
But recently I read an essay by Shauna Niequist that I cannot stop thinking about. Shauna writes about delight and I will link it. Now this is an extended quote, so stick with me, but Shauna writes, quote, "'There are lots of ways to define something like delight. And here's my definition. Delight is when we engage our senses and our spirits to experience the world God made. And in that moment, we feel a welling up of joy, goodness and gratitude.'"
Delight floods our hearts when we hear a song we love, when we stand in front of a painting that moves us, when we watch a child play, when we taste something, all at once our senses are awakened by texture, flavor, and smell. It brings us back to our senses and connects us to the world we live in. In my experience, when we are in great pain, we tend to isolate, tune out our senses, and delight cracks through that thick glass of isolation and reconnects us to people in life.
And delight is a bridge to gratitude. Delight doesn't fix what's broken, but it gives us the fuel to keep going, even in the brokenness." End quote. Did you hear that last line? I'm gonna read it again. Delight doesn't fix what's broken, but it gives us the fuel to keep going, even in the brokenness.
I found this confirmed with our son. When he would rage, I would pack him up and drive him to a local high school. We would sit in the car and watch the marching band practice. His raging would eventually stop and he would watch the band with wonder and delight. Finding contentment is standing still and taking in what brings us joy. Let me repeat what I said earlier. What if the opposite of discontent was celebration and delight?
What if every time we felt the nag of not enough, we stopped to celebrate or find delight in our lives? So what can you celebrate today? What milestone can you be happy about no matter how big or small? Where is the delight in your day? It doesn't have to be big, but by paying attention to these small moments of delight and celebration, we can move forward with contentment in our lives. Number two, noticing the small wins.
When I am discontented, I tend to focus on what I do not have instead of what I have. Sometimes in my quest to improve things, I miss small growth in our home. Instead of looking at my life right now, I'm looking off in the future, wishing for something better. This lesson hit home for me last week. Our daughter was at work and texted her older sister that she was struggling with some mental health issues. When I heard about it, I was discouraged. I went into worst case scenario thinking, letting my desire...for it all to be perfect and better, cloud my vision for the improvement we have seen. But later that week, I sat with my daughter in therapy and the therapist praised how well she'd handled that situation. She took some steps she hadn't taken in the past. She reached out. She took a small break and regulated herself and she talked to her boss and she went back to work. Honestly, inside my head, the situation was a four alarm fire with worst case scenario driving the fire truck.and I did not for one minute recognize this growth. My vision was so clouded by what I wished was true, I couldn't see the development in progress. We need to notice the small wins. I want to take advantage of moments of progress and not miss them because I'm too busy looking ahead for future growth or worried about what might go wrong. Where have you seen progress this week? Maybe the doctor got back to you more quickly than you anticipated or the tantrum only lasted 35 minutes instead of two hours, or maybe you had a chance to rest.
Look for these. I promise these moments are there right before us. We need to pay attention and celebrate them. We need to stop and reflect and be attentive to those moments of progress. When we remember, we notice what we may have missed in the busyness of life. Don't let the lens of discontentment blind you to your life's beauty, joy, and progress.
And finally, remember who you are. In our book, The Other Side of Special, Navigating the Messy, Emotional, and Joy-Filled Life of a Special Needs Mom, Carrie writes about contentment. Here's what she says, “we have been called to this holy calling of a special needs mom, but we are a child of God first. Our worth and value are not dependent on how well our child performs, grows, or changes.Our value is not dependent on our child's health, diagnosis, behavior, or whether they reach milestones or not. Our identity is based on being a person created in the image of God with gifts, abilities, and equipping. We've been called to this holy calling of a special needs mom, but we are a child of God first. We were perfectly chosen to be our child's mother, no matter how they joined our family. We are accepted, redeemed, and loved.
Jesus thought so much of us that He died for us. When we accept Christ's work in our lives and know not just in our heads, but also in our hearts that our identity is in Christ, we will care less about what others think and take steps towards contentment.”
I could not have said it better, and I agree wholeheartedly with what Carrie wrote. We need to remember our purpose and who we were created to be. We must not forget that no matter what our lives look like, God loves us and values us.
So the three ways that we talked about to get out of discontent is delight and celebration, noticing the small wins, and remembering who you are. Thank you for listening. If you would like more resources about dealing with discontentment or any other emotions we experience as caregivers, check out our book, which will be linked in the show notes. And as always, we love to hear from you. Please reach out to us at our website. We would love to listen to your story.