Finding Happiness in Retirement: Beyond the Bucket List

Join host Darleen Mahoney as she welcomes bestselling author and ThePeacefulRetiree.com editor-in-chief Tom Marks for an honest and engaging conversation about finding fulfillment in retirement. Drawing from his acclaimed book, Coming of Age in Retirement, Tom Marks shares the challenges he faced after leaving a high-powered career in advertising—including losing his identity and tackling the “hamster wheel” of endless activity. Together, they explore the importance of managing expectations, letting go of perfection, and discovering happiness in everyday moments. From the healing power of gratitude and daily rituals to forming genuine connections and embracing small joys, Tom Marks and Darleen Mahoney provide practical advice and personal anecdotes to help listeners navigate both retirement and life’s transitions. Whether you’re retired, approaching retirement, or supporting loved ones, this episode offers inspiration for living with purpose, kindness, and meaning.

SeniorLivingGuide.com Podcast sponsored by TerraBella Senior Living & Tom Marks, Best Selling Author on Retirement
 

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Transcript

Darleen Mahoney [00:00:00]:

I am here today with Tom Marks. He is the best selling author of Coming of Age in Retirement, An Advertising Executive Story of Enlightenment and Revelation, which just happens to be the number one best selling retirement book in America, the number one best selling book on aging, the number one best selling philosophical memoir, and the number one best selling book on mental health. Tom's writing has won him the Literary Titan Award, three International Impact Book Awards, the Ptoy Award, the Reader's View Award, and Tom was the winner of the best Nonfictional book award with the Nonfiction Writers Association. He has appeared on more than 50 podcasts, although ours is clearly going to be the number one best. And he has reached nearly 100 different countries. He is a sought after keynote speaker and he is the editor in Chief of the PeacefulRetiree.com I am worn out already. I don't even know how to.

Tom Marks [00:01:05]:

I'm worn out listening to this nonsense.

Darleen Mahoney [00:01:08]:

Oh my gosh, I'm like going, I'm so. I need an app.

Tom Marks [00:01:12]:

I mean, what shameless self promotion.

Darleen Mahoney [00:01:14]:

I know, I'm telling you. Oh my gosh. I was so excited to have you on the podcast. You are one of our podcast sponsors and when I first met you, I, I just absolutely, thoroughly enjoyed talking with you. I just thought, oh my gosh, I could talk to you for hours.

Tom Marks [00:01:30]:

Well, I could do that too. Although I don't think people would want to listen to three hours of our chat. But thanks for having me on and thanks to your listeners for tuning in.

Darleen Mahoney [00:01:43]:

Yeah, absolutely. So just a quick note. The book that is available is available on Amazon, so we're going to chat a little bit, but our listeners can always catch that book and purchase it. And is available in audiobook. Correct. As well as it is not. Oh, it's not yet. Okay. It is not yet. Okay.

Tom Marks [00:02:00]:

No, they want me to do an audio version, but I can't think of anything that I'd care to do less. It's a lot of work.

Darleen Mahoney [00:02:10]:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. But it is available on Amazon. Coming of Age in Retirement Advertising Executive Story of Enlightenment and Revelation is the title of the book and all the links will be available the description of the podcast. So no worries on that. So tell us a little bit about yourself because you're going to like be able to enlighten people, provide some advice. Because, you know, one of the things that I know that I have been able to enjoy about hosting this podcast and one of the things that I wanted to be able to provide when we launched this podcast in 2020 is some of the Things that I experienced as a caregiver from my own father is some of the mistakes that I made. I didn't want other people to make those same mistakes. You know, hindsight is 2020 all day long. So you have a whole different topic is retirement versus mine, which was caregiving. So we're going to just chat a little bit about that today, which is basically the subject of your book.

Tom Marks [00:03:14]:

Yeah. So, I mean, you know, people ask me for my advice, and the only advice I really give is don't ever take my adv. Because I made so many mistakes in transitioning to retirement that I really thought like, you know, I was the only guy that was making mistakes. And then through this online journal, I have the Peaceful Retiree, which has like 25 different editor contributing editors. I found out that there are so many people that just struggled with the first years of retirement, and I did, too. So the second part of my book, it's divided into two parts, is really about the struggles I encountered, the mistakes I made, which were far too many to discuss here, but we can get into a few of them and how I sort of worked my way off of what I call a hamster wheel and onto this path of happiness. So that's the story in my book.

Darleen Mahoney [00:04:26]:

Yeah. And I know that I was listening to you on a different podcast and you talked about the hamster wheel. And you know, I'm currently living the hamster wheel life and the retirement life is in the future and not the very close future for myself. So I think it's always good to be learning best practices. But I do have several friends that are in retirement or their spouses have retired. So we have a working spouse and a non working spouse in retirement. And I can kind of see some of the effects and some of the struggles with that and the expectations prior to. So the expectations of that working spouse getting ready to retire, the excitement of it, and then kind of wonk, wonk that can kind of happen once they're no longer working. So share with us. You had an incredible job. I just have to tell you.

Tom Marks [00:05:17]:

I did.

Darleen Mahoney [00:05:18]:

Yeah, you absolutely did. I think it's fascinating. So I do love that aspect of what you were doing prior to retirement. It was the hamster wheel. It was a mega hamster wheel. Yeah. So kind of share with us, you know, kind of what you were doing and then kind of what led you to the retirement side.

Tom Marks [00:05:37]:

So I had built this global communications, international global communications company from nothing. I mean, I didn't even start with a single client. And I built it up. And I had clients like McDonald's and Foot Locker, American Family Insurance, and University of Wisconsin, Purdue University, Rakatan, and in Tokyo, a couple clients in Australia. And the thing I loved the most was writing and directing national TV commercials, which I did. I built this company and then really around the beginning of the turn of the century, we formed this whole digital division, which my wife Kathy ran, you know, long before people were, you know, building websites and all that kind of stuff. Oh, I also did work for the ncaa, but so when I retired or started to slow down at the beginning of 2000, I was lost. You know, I had worked 180,000 hours, probably more. I no longer had this cohort of young creative people that I hung out with. And I just wasn't prepared. I mean, I was financially prepared and had started that process long, long ago, but I wasn't prepared for the other stuff. And it sort of gets down to this whole thing that I talk about, which is, who are we when we are no longer who we were? And I lost my identity. I lost my notoriety. I had been on the pro speaking circuit and, you know, directing commercials with 80, 90, 100 people on set. And I always joke that they either let me sit in the director's chair because I was the director or because I was just so much older than everybody else, but in. In a heartbeat, it was gone, which is sort of when I lost my heartbeat. And I struggled for a couple years, and I can get into some specifics for your listeners, but that sort of that funk that I was in manifested itself in all sorts of ways, particularly making me a not very nice person.

Darleen Mahoney [00:08:15]:

Oh, because you just didn't feel good about yourself or you were just mad at the world or because you just. Your expectations weren't being met?

Tom Marks [00:08:24]:

Yeah, well, so part of my book is talking about managing expectations. But I was mad at myself for not being prepared for not having a successful retirement plan. Not financial, but, you know, what was I going to do? And I remember saying to my wife Kathy, one day, I just feel like I'm on this hamster wheel and she's somebody who's not, you know, I mean, she's into meditation and mindfulness and a little bit of Buddhism and just, you know, straight, I'm not on a hamster wheel. And I just said, I just, like, I'm trying everything, you know, I'm golfing, I'm riding my bike, I'm reading, I'm doing all this stuff, but I'm not getting anywhere. And so one day I put in search, hamster wheel syndrome. And lo and behold, there's like, a million results for it. And it is a psychiatric affliction. I mean, genuinely. And it's not called the hamster wheel syndrome. It's called hedonic treadmill syndrome.

Darleen Mahoney [00:09:41]:

Okay.

Tom Marks [00:09:43]:

And it's this need to do all this stuff, but. But in the end, none of it will make you happy.

Darleen Mahoney [00:09:53]:

Well, it sounds like you're doing stuff to fill time.

Tom Marks [00:09:56]:

Yeah, well, it's like, you know, just doing stuff. It's not fulfillment. And so there are all kinds of these recommendations from psychiatrists on how to get off the hamster wheel and why it's important. Important to not get on it. But there's all this research, particularly about lottery winners that win millions of dollars. And everybody has heard this, and it's true that almost all of them declare bankruptcy because they keep spending money, but it doesn't make them happy. And they just. You know, they're just on this hedonic treadmill looking for happiness. But that's not how you get it. It was really intriguing. I mean, you know, I love to research, but I love to write, too. So it all sort of clicked with me, and I started figuring out what was wrong. And part of what was wrong was this whole notion of doing all this stuff. And people, you know, they have these bucket lists in retirement that's actually not advisable. I mean, you could make a list of the things you want to do, but, you know, to chase all that stuff is not the recommended path to happiness.

Darleen Mahoney [00:11:18]:

If people are listening and they think, I do have a bucket list, because a lot of people are working, working, working, working, and they don't get to do all the different things. Maybe the trips, you know, they didn't go visit the pyramids. They didn't get to go do all these different things because they just didn't have the time. Um, but they do want to do a bucket list. How do they integrate the happiness with the bucket list? I mean, how do you get the happiness that you're talking about? Because it seems like it's unattainable.

Tom Marks [00:11:43]:

Yeah, I think there's a. There's a couple ways to do it, but this is my way. This doesn't mean that this works for the guy down the street or the woman around the corner. It just worked for me. But the more I speak, the more podcasts I'm on, the more, you know, keynote speeches I give, people come up to me afterwards and say, yeah, you know, this makes a lot of sense. I'm going to try it, but this just worked for me. And the first was to get off the hamster wheel and just let things happen. And there's this wonderful Buddhist sort of quote and adage which I really, really like, and I'm not a Buddhist, but there, there's some amazing parts to Buddhism that are really insightful. But this one, this one was really blew my socks off. And it goes. There is no path to happiness. Happiness must be the path. You know, you can't chase all this stuff hoping that you'll be happy. You need to be happy on this path or this odyssey to wherever you're going. So when you understand that, you sort of understand that the accumulation of possessions and stuff and all that stuff, in the end, it doesn't matter. What matters is that you're happy in whatever you're doing on a day to day basis. Because Buddhism always starts at the beginning of each day. You know, each day is a new day. When I understood that my path of happiness was writing, that's what really made me happy. Not so much the publishing world that sucks. It does. And I could go on forever about why. And it has a lot to do with Amazon and writers are usually the fifth or sixth person to get paid. But my path of happiness is writing. And so I understood that chasing all this stuff and possessions just isn't going to make it. But I also understood that no, meditation didn't work for me because I just, I mean, I cannot turn my mind off.

Darleen Mahoney [00:14:05]:

It's like, I am there with you. I am there with you.

Tom Marks [00:14:10]:

I know from our previous conversations that you are. But what did work for me is I. And I write about this in my book that I made a list of about 100 things that really make me happy that I'm really grateful for. And these aren't big things. These are like the desk I'm sitting at, the glasses I wear, my wife, the views from the back of our house, the pen I write with, you know, just the hummingbirds in our backyard who remind me of my mother who just like used to bounce around from one thing to another. And my mother, my father would say, your mother would go to the opening of an envelope. So just these little things that make me happy. And every morning I just take three or four of those and I close my eyes. This is my form of meditation and gratefulness. And I just think for one minute before I get up, this is what I'm grateful for. And it starts the morning anew for me and in a positive way. So I sort of talked myself into these little tricks to make me happy. And I love to write so much that when I wrote my first book, which was my first bestseller, which was a business book, when I accepted the International Impact Award for my book, the first thing I did before I got into my whole rant about AI, the first thing I did was apologize to my wife for writing my book from 1am to 7am oh, wow. I know, I know. But you know, I was retired. I could take a nap. But anyway, I just get up and I just couldn't wait to write. So why wouldn't I want to do that every day? And that was my path to happiness.

Darleen Mahoney [00:16:17]:

Sometimes it is just the moments, the little things. In all honesty, I think the things that do make you happy are the smaller little things. I know this is just an example of something just kind of very random, but I just thought about this because I actually shared it with my kids. I love to decorate for Christmas. I'm one of those people that.

Tom Marks [00:16:38]:

Do you. Do you.

Darleen Mahoney [00:16:39]:

It's a lot. Yeah, it can be. I. It can be for sure. I have a picture that was taken of the first time both of my children visited Santa and it's in a frame and I've had it ever since. I mean it's. My kids are. I'm going to share their. They're 33 and 28, so they're not little, they're grown people. But every year I pull it out and that is my favorite thing. It is my favorite thing because it just brings back all those memories and they're over five years apart. So my daughter was a lot older, but my son was so tiny, he was like a little over a year old. So it was just like. It's the most heartwarming thing and it's my favorite thing that I pull out every single year and it's the first thing I try to figure out, where did I put it? But it brings me all this joy and happiness over and above all the other stuff. And I have a lot of stuff that I love, but it really is like the little special moments, the little special things. It's the small conversations that you have with friends that are big stuff could be happening around you, but it's the moments that you're spending with people and friends and connecting. I think those are the game changing, life changing moments in life over, you know, the big Disney World trips or all the things. Things do not buy you happiness. I know in the world of advertising of which you, you came from you clearly that's not the message that you want to portray because you want to buy, you want to sell a widget, right? But the widgets don't make you happy.

Tom Marks [00:18:09]:

They really don't. And you know, the thing, Darlene, about this is that it wasn't last summer. It was the summer before. You know, in Tucson. The summers are really hot and for a long period of time. So you gotta, you know, you gotta figure out how to deal with it. But the summer before, we spent the summer in Scandinavia. And it was very important to my wife because she's Norwegian. And it was on every level, an unbelievable trip. I mean, on every level. And you know, I hired history professor in every town. And a drive. I mean, it was, you know, over the top. And I'll never forget it, but it's over. You know, it's like, what's next? And there will, you know, there'll always be another trip. And, you know, I think it's next, this next summer, it's Portugal and Spain, but they, they end. And you need to fill in your life with these little things. I know it sounds corny that do make you happy every day or at least don't get you angry. And so I was just, I was struggling with finding this sort of this ongoing sense of happiness. Not these highs and lows and extremes, but just being in a place as often as I could that, you know, this is cool. You know, so I also, I made the. Another sort of ultimate mistake which was beating myself up for every mistake I made. And that's really something that we need to, in retirement to be very careful about is being hard on ourselves because they, you know, people say when you make a mistake, you always make two mistakes. The mistake you made and then the mistake of beating yourself up about making that mistake. That doesn't do retirees any good.

Darleen Mahoney [00:20:22]:

Yeah.

Tom Marks [00:20:23]:

And. Well, it doesn't do anybody any good. So, you know, I write a lot about, you know, it's okay to make a mistake. You. It's okay to do a do over, to have a do over or a mulligan, as I would say. It's not okay to make a mistake and then make the same mistake again. That's uncool.

Darleen Mahoney [00:20:44]:

Let's learn from those mistakes. Right?

Tom Marks [00:20:46]:

You better. That's right. So you can't have a do over of a do over.

Darleen Mahoney [00:20:50]:

Right.

Tom Marks [00:20:51]:

So. But I was, you know, I was just so hard on myself and that. This is not the time to be hard on yourself. This is the time to reward yourself. And it's this thing about. We are defined throughout our Lives. We're defined by our job, by our possessions, by the house we live in, by the number of cars we have. I mean, all this stuff and in retirement and we can't do anything about it. But in retirement or transitioning into retirement, you have to understand that this is the one time in our lives when we can't be defined. We can be whatever we want to be, you know, because we don't have this job and we don't necessarily have, you know, all these kids that we have to support, although that's actually not true, but it doesn't even matter how old they are. But this is the time for individualism in retirement, where we could just be whoever we want to be and not let societal norms define us. My next article for you is called or the working title is Retirement is really Hot right Now. Don't be left in the cold. It's really cool to be retired and do all the things you want to do and not the things that you're expected to do.

Darleen Mahoney [00:22:12]:

Yeah, I mean, one of the things that I think in retirement that I literally like, one of the little things that I enjoy, my favorite thing is to a cup of coffee. I look forward every morning to a good cup of coffee. I like specific mugs. I'm very mug particular. And to just sit and have that beginning of the day piece of. I'll sit down and enjoy it. I will walk around later, lose it, and then ends up in the microwave and then I find it the next day. That's all true. But the very beginning I look forward to. The house is quiet, so just me and the dog. It's just that beginning of the day. And I think in retirement I can extend that past the first five minutes.

Tom Marks [00:23:02]:

I'm so aligned with you on that. I love getting up and having a cup of coffee. And actually my wife loves to. She. She calls it her swim up bar, but it's a swim up coffee bar. So she'll go, she'll dive in the pool, which is in the morning, it's always too cold for me. And she'll, you know, she, she has her swim up coffee bar. Oh, my God. So we all have our ways of enjoying, you know, a cup of coffee. Assuming you're a coffee drinker. And I just like to have a cup of coffee, sit down and look out the window.

Darleen Mahoney [00:23:42]:

Yeah.

Tom Marks [00:23:44]:

And not feel rushed. Like not have to take it into the bathroom and not putting it by my. Oh, incidentally, I do microwave my coffee all day long. Just.

Darleen Mahoney [00:23:59]:

It's so bad.

Tom Marks [00:24:01]:

It is bad. So it's those things. The last article I wrote for you, the joys of doing nothing. It's just not having to rush through things. And when you sit, for instance, and just have this cup of coffee and just think about, you know, whatever you want, that's doing nothing. But from that, for me, always produces something, you know, like, oh, I think I'll write this, you know, so. I hear you.

Darleen Mahoney [00:24:34]:

Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Now, do you feel like establishing through the gratitude and establishing through different things that you really enjoy, you're finding different purposes for your day and your daily living that's providing that happiness. As far as things that you're doing, like, you're finding purpose versus, like, when you go to work, you have a purpose every day you go to work to accomplish goals, to do all the different things. But you found a different way in retirement and more of a fun, relaxing retirement way. But it's similar to the same type of goal.

Tom Marks [00:25:15]:

Yes, absolutely. So, I mean, our purpose in life will always have these purposes, whether they're good ones or bad ones. I certainly believe that our primary purpose is to make certain that we leave the world a better place than when we found it. I mean, we've got to make the world a better place. But I was so, you know, I didn't. I just worked.

Darleen Mahoney [00:25:45]:

Yeah.

Tom Marks [00:25:45]:

You know, that's all I did. I mean, I canceled vacations. I did that, too, but I worked. And. And when you own your own business, you know, you're working seven days a week, and you've got clients, particularly early on, that aren't particularly nice, you know, and they call you at all times at night. But I found that the whole part of being grateful, particularly in retirement, is to say, you know, I'm. I'm grateful for this. Or, you know, my. My wife the other day said, you know, I'm really grateful that you like to wee. He said, yeah, I don't know that my back is grateful. But she said, you know, there's not a weed in our garden. And that. That's because my mother used to make me weed when I came home from school before I could have a snack. So I, you know, I just. I just weed. I mean, I listen to music, of course, but just doing those things or saying those things to other people is really important. And even though it's small, it is purposeful. And because it recognizes someone's value and we don't tell people enough how much we love them or we thank them or how grateful we are for them, but it also positions you or me in this place where, you know, I'm really grateful that I just became a much better person by not having to worry about, you know, this huge monthly nut I had to crack just to break even. And all of these families that I had to support, I mean, I took it personally. And they all had families, and it was just working that way, I think, hardened me. And in retirement, when I figured it out, which took me a year or two, when I say I wasn't a great person, I just became a much kinder person. And it helps to not have all these people reporting to you, but I just see the world differently or more clearly or more positively. I just needed to figure things out. And sometimes you can't figure it out yourself. And I wasn't able to. I told a few Romeos, those are retired old men eating out.

Darleen Mahoney [00:28:45]:

I have never heard that term before. Oh, my God.

Tom Marks [00:28:49]:

I know. So I. I mean, like, Thursday, I'm going out with all my Romeos. But, you know, I said to these guys, I just. I seeing curveballs everywhere I go. I need some softballs and I need somebody to talk to.

Darleen Mahoney [00:29:07]:

Yeah.

Tom Marks [00:29:07]:

And they gave me some names. And I, you know, I talked to this guy for about a year. Great guy, therapist. And he was the one that said, you know, you should write a memoir. And I said, that sounds like a snooze fest to me. But I thought about it, and of course I wasn't going to write a memoir, you know, God. But he was the one that sort of steered me and, you know, if that's what makes you happy, the whole writing, just do it.

Darleen Mahoney [00:29:38]:

Yeah.

Tom Marks [00:29:39]:

And don't worry about people who say, oh, you know, all he's doing is sitting at his desk and writing. Or he's getting up at one in the morning because he's, you know, his mind is fertile then. It hasn't been polluted. Yeah. I didn't care about any of that stuff, about what people thought. So I would just, you know, write. I would. I love, incidentally, I love to listen to. I love music. Yeah. And I love it so much that I can't write and listen to music. A lot of people can. I can't because I just begin to start listening to the music.

Darleen Mahoney [00:30:13]:

Yeah.

Tom Marks [00:30:14]:

And so I, you know, I write. I go on long walks three or four miles and listen to music and just think about things. And then about two years ago, Darlene, I started getting into this modified CrossFit stuff, and that became. And like, I'm twice as old as anybody in there. The whole CrossFit thing is a real family sort of thing and they, they love their 70 year old, you know, participant. I can't do everything, but, you know.

Darleen Mahoney [00:30:46]:

You couldn't pay me to do CrossFit, so good for you.

Tom Marks [00:30:49]:

Well, they modify it for me. I mean, my, you know, my vertical box jump is actually more horizontal than.

Darleen Mahoney [00:30:58]:

Oh my gracious.

Tom Marks [00:30:59]:

But, but so that's my not. I mean, I'm not writing right now. I'm not writing a book right now, but so every morning Kathy and I go to this thing, it's called body fit training. It's from these crazy Australians. And so from 8 to 10 every morning, like, I've got this thing that I can't wait to do. It's sort of now my other path of happiness and I can't wait to do. And so it's not like the day is half over, but by the time I'm, you know, I stop shaking and try to enhance the shakiness by having another cup of coffee, you know, it's, it's like. And I get so hungry that it's already noon and, you know, my days are sort of filled. But I'm doing what I want to do.

Darleen Mahoney [00:31:53]:

Yeah. And that's it. At the end of the day, you should be doing what you want to do.

Tom Marks [00:31:57]:

I am. Yeah.

Darleen Mahoney [00:31:58]:

There you go.

Tom Marks [00:31:58]:

And you should too.

Darleen Mahoney [00:32:01]:

I do. I do quite a bit of what I want to do. So there you go.

Tom Marks [00:32:05]:

Well, I want to ask, well, what do you like to do other than put out Christmas decorations, which is something that you probably shouldn't be doing in March, but tell me and all of us, what are some of the things you like to do?

Darleen Mahoney [00:32:16]:

As you may well have noticed, I'm a bit of a people person. So I really just enjoy spending time doing things with people. And I've really realized as I've gotten older in life that it's quality, not quantity, where I have just really honed in and spent time with people who are important to me. Quality friendships, people that are really just, they're the best. Versus when I was younger, I would have a lot of friends and I do a lot of things. And, and those people, they're not gonna be there for you when you need them. They're not gonna be priorities in life. When you're moving and you need help, they don't show up or they show up late or they don't care. So I've really realized to just really prioritize relationships with people that really deserve to be in your life and spend time with them, curate those relationships and friendships. And I love travel. Travel is probably my favorite activity just in general. Just. Just enjoying life and spending time with those that really matter the most. And clearly, time with my kids are really the number one. So. But, yeah. Yeah. So we live here on the coast of Florida, so there's so much to do here in sunshine. So. Yeah, endless. Yeah.

Tom Marks [00:33:43]:

Yeah. Well, wear sunscreen, you know, I.

Darleen Mahoney [00:33:47]:

Yes, I.

Tom Marks [00:33:48]:

Well.

Darleen Mahoney [00:33:48]:

And see, that's the other thing. This is stuff that you learn as you grow older. I can remember the tanning beds back in the day, so those were a really bad idea. So anyone listening that still thinks that's a good idea? It's not so much.

Tom Marks [00:34:01]:

That's right. The only idea worse than that was baby oil.

Darleen Mahoney [00:34:06]:

Yeah, I probably did that, too.

Tom Marks [00:34:08]:

Yeah, I did that. I mean, that just. I mean, you just fry like an egg.

Darleen Mahoney [00:34:12]:

Yeah, I did the sun in my hair, which absolutely. They don't even make that anymore. I think it made my hair crunchy and, like, really. Just really destroyed it. I have no idea what we're thinking when we put that stuff in our hair. But, you know, lessons learned when you're younger, that if my older self could have told my younger self, and I will bet you money my mother told me, and I just did not listen.

Tom Marks [00:34:37]:

That's one thing that I just visited my parents in a cemetery in Santa Barbara Military Cemetery. And I was so close to both my parents, who were wonderful, but particularly my father. And I think about my parents every day. Every single day. I didn't used to when I was younger, but I think about them every day, particularly my father, who I spoke with about four or five times a week for 30 years straight. And when he died, this was five years ago, I really struggled because I'd wake up in the middle of the night, I'd think, I didn't talk to dad today. Or he didn't call me, what's wrong? Or I forgot to call my father. And then I'd really wake up in the middle of the night and think, oh, my God, I'll never talk to him again. And that's such a sobering thought that people, younger people say, oh, I never realized how smart my parents were. You better realize it before you get old. Because I was so close to my parents. They were wonderful. And that also is something that I'm very grateful for. And I think about them, as I said, every day. And people say, you think about your parents every day. Said every single day, Tom.

Darleen Mahoney [00:36:09]:

I think about my parents every single day. And Both my parents are in a military cemetery as well, up in Coco Mims area. They're both there. I think about them every day. And I always appreciated them as parents, but never as much as after they passed away did I really realize how incredible they were. You think, oh, my gosh, I should have told them how much more I love them or how much more grateful. Yeah. Because they were great parents my whole life. So I really took that just as the norm and for granted and that they would always be there. And then when they weren't, that's when you really realize, oh, my gosh. And I talk to my mom every day. I talked to my dad near the end because I was taking care of him every day. But I did have a great relationship with both of them. I was actually more of a daddy girl, to be honest with you. But, yeah, it's really. It's. It's. And I was. I'm so grateful. And I don't wake up talking to them, but I can tell you I will be out. And if it. It's the weirdest thing that happens, if it's something that my mom specifically would like, I have this flashy moment where I like, oh, my gosh, I got to tell mom about this. And then I realize, oh, it, like, it. It just. I forget there to, like, tell about it or. And then I think, oh, my gosh. Yeah.

Tom Marks [00:37:39]:

And I think that's. Yeah, I think that's the whole aspect of being grateful and thinking about what you're grateful for every morning. It doesn't need to be the big stuff and. And telling people that you're grateful for whatever you're grateful for with them. And you know what? I never did that when I was a business owner. You know, I mean, I thank my employees for working all weekend before some pitch, but, you know, that's just sort of automatic stuff. But I think the in. In retirement, you really. Because you don't have all this pressure to do everything, it's really advantageous to sit back and at least for me, this sort of meditation about thinking, what. What am I really grateful for?

Darleen Mahoney [00:38:36]:

Yeah.

Tom Marks [00:38:37]:

You know, it's not a Porsche in the garage. It's these little things, a walk on the beach or listening to the waves or whatever it is that just can happen every day at every hour. And that's what's going to make people happy in their retirement.

Darleen Mahoney [00:38:56]:

Yeah. Yeah. And I know I've shared this on previous podcasts, but I don't think I've ever shared it with you. My mom had Ovarian cancer. That's what she passed away from. And after she passed away, I found in all of her things a journal. And at the end of all of her entries, for years, she kept daily entries. At the end, she had something she was grateful for. So she was including that every single day. And the sad thing is, the thing that just broke my heart is that she was writing things that she was grateful for that you and I would not be grateful for. Would be. I was not as sick today as I was yesterday. That's what I'm grateful for. So it'd be things that, you know, things that people are not grateful for because they're still sick and some different things. And then there was some beautiful things she was thankful for. You know, people would bring food over, you know, and then there were periods when she was in remission where she was spending time with family. But all her gratefulness, there was nothing like, she got a brand new Porsche, as you mentioned.

Tom Marks [00:39:58]:

Oh, yeah.

Darleen Mahoney [00:39:59]:

I mean, something like that. That is not. Not that she got a Porsche, but you know what I'm saying? The big stuff was not in there. It was all the little things that. Those were her daily gratitudes for these years that she was battling cancer.

Tom Marks [00:40:14]:

It's a wonderful, wonderful story. And I think the fact that she was journaling is really important. And I wrote about the part that we need to do as retirees is write. It doesn't have to be a book like I do, or a bestseller like I strive for. It could be poetry. It could be recipes. It could be journaling. It could be anything. There's so much research that says that if we write, we keep our brains from the whole process of atrophy. And, yeah, I mean, it's good to be in physical shape and you want to be nutritious in your eating habits, but it's really important to work our brain. And writing every research study says, is the best way to keep our brains younger and to develop characters and use our imagination. So I really, really think that. And for me, it was, as I said, my path of happiness. But writing is a really important exercise, exercise in combating aging. And as I've always said, there's nothing I can do about getting old, but I can do a lot about being old because I like it. Yeah. So that's why my kids always say, oh, you know, our friends want you as a dad. Because I'm not going to dress like an old man. I'm not going to think like an old man. Of course, my wife says, well, of Course not. You act like a two year old, which is fine.

Darleen Mahoney [00:42:02]:

I can relate to this. I have heard the phrase retire, but don't let the old man in.

Tom Marks [00:42:07]:

Yeah, that's good.

Darleen Mahoney [00:42:08]:

Yeah, so I have heard that one. Oh my gosh, this is such a great conversation and I'm super excited because we're going to do another podcast in the future here soon. I'm sure you'll be a guest again on the podcast for our listeners. If you enjoyed this podcast and some of the advice and conversation that Tom and I had today, you can once again, as I mentioned, it's available on Amazon and it is available on Kindle. Or Kindle I should say. And then also you can buy the book itself. The name of the book is Coming of Age in Retirement, An Advertising Executive Story of Enlightenment and Revelation. Go ahead to Amazon, you can pick it up. The link is also in the description of this podcast. Did you have any closing remarks before we head out here?

Tom Marks [00:42:56]:

Tom? I always have a closing remark hit us up. And that is first and foremost to thank all of your listeners. And thank you, Darlene. I think what you do in your podcast and senior living guide are fantastic and I encourage anyone to listen to you and read your blogs. And I'm just so thankful and grateful. Grateful to you and your listeners for being able to hang in there with us and hopefully I'll get to see everybody soon.

Darleen Mahoney [00:43:34]:

Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much for joining us today. If you enjoyed this podcast, we have over 100 podcasts available anywhere. You enjoy podcasts, head to Spotify, Apple Podcasts, GoodPods, Babyboomer. Org. So many different opportunities for you to check us out. Thanks for listening.