#413 - Your Self-Judgment Is Killing Your Happiness and Your Success

In this episode of The Business of Happiness, Dr. Tarryn MacCarthy speaks to high-achieving healthcare professionals who appear successful on the outside while quietly carrying the weight of self-judgment within. She sheds light on how shame, people-pleasing, burnout, and imposter syndrome can shape the lives of dentists, doctors, and women in healthcare, even when they seem to be doing everything right.

With warmth and honesty, Dr. Tarryn offers a different way to look at that inner voice that keeps saying you are not enough. This episode is a reminder that success does not have to feel so heavy. If you have been holding it all together while feeling worn down underneath, this conversation will likely hit home. Press play before your inner critic starts running the shift.

Show notes:
(1:18) How self-judgment starts early
(6:16) When self-criticism shows up
(9:52) Success without feeling fulfilled
(13:25) Why shame blocks rest
(15:06) Choosing a new inner voice
(18:44) Becoming your own cheerleader
(20:54) Outro

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IMPORTANT LINKS:

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Transcript

Dr. Tarryn MacCarthy

(0:01) Welcome to the Business of Happiness podcast. (0:05) It's your host, Dr. Tarryn McCarthy. (0:08) And this is the podcast where we put happiness first.(0:14) I help high achieving, deeply passionate healthcare professionals like you rediscover their happiness and their freedom. (0:23) Join me in conversations with experts to uncover our unique definition of happiness and answer the question, is there really such a thing as work-life balance? (0:35) If you've heard yourself saying, you know, I'll be happy when, well my friend, the time is now.(0:44) Time to step out of the busyness of your life and time to step into the Business of Happiness. (0:54) Hello, welcome to the Business of Happiness. (0:58) I am so happy to have you here.(1:00) I'm Dr. Taryn McCarthy and today is going to be a great day. (1:03) We are talking about self-judgment and shame. (1:07) And I was reminded of this the other day when I noticed the programming of self-judgment and self-shame immediately in my daughter.(1:18) My daughter is 14 years old and already it is a part of her programming. (1:24) Unbeknownst to me, you know, it was crazy. (1:26) She was preparing for a baking club.(1:29) It's so cool. (1:31) At her school, her middle school, they have a baking club and I'm pretty sure all they do is they bake and then eat the food and then decide what was tasted delicious and give awards for different things. (1:43) So she loves baking.(1:45) She always has. (1:46) Since she was little, I have this picture of her when she was, she must have been four years old, of her bringing me on Mother's Day toast with yogurt and grapes on top. (1:57) I mean, I think that was the very first thing she ever made on her own.(2:01) She loves baking and she's pretty darn good at it. (2:04) She made for baking club the other week, pop tarts. (2:08) I don't know if any of you have ever made pop tarts.(2:10) My 14-year-old made pop tarts. (2:12) I sure have not made pop tarts in my life. (2:15) They were cherry pop tarts.(2:17) They were amazing. (2:18) They looked professional. (2:20) It was so cool.(2:21) And she was so self-critical. (2:25) She didn't even want to take them in for baking club. (2:29) She was looking at them.(2:30) She tasted them. (2:31) She said, Mom, these aren't good enough. (2:33) This is what's wrong with them.(2:34) That's what's wrong with them. (2:35) I mean, they were impressive. (2:37) I am 100% sure that there are no kids bringing pop tarts in eighth grade into baking club.(2:45) And, you know, even afterwards, she told me, oh, there were chocolate chip cookies. (2:49) There were store-bought cookies that someone put frosting on top. (2:53) There was dirt.(2:55) You know, they put the gummy worms and dirt and Oreo cookie crumbs. (3:01) Those are the kinds of things. (3:02) My daughter made pop tarts.(3:05) And she wasn't going to take them in. (3:07) I had to convince her to take them in because she was judging them so harshly. (3:12) They were delicious.(3:13) They were beautiful. (3:15) And the self-criticism and the self-judgment is already a part of her programming. (3:20) It is a programming that we accept early on.(3:27) It is a programming. (3:29) And I realized this even in myself in dentistry, in my practice. (3:37) Even in doing the incredible things in the world, like literally putting smiles on children's faces.(3:44) I know I use that phrase all the time. (3:45) Literally bringing people joy about the way they smile. (3:52) Can we just, I want to remind us again what you're doing every day.(3:56) You are giving people confidence to smile. (4:00) Mothers, confidence to smile in the pictures with their families. (4:05) Children, confidence to speak up in class.(4:09) To say what they need to say. (4:11) Open their mouths and use their voices because they're no longer ashamed of their smiles. (4:18) Taking people out of pain.(4:21) Giving people the ability to chew and enjoy food. (4:25) I mean, it is incredible what we do. (4:29) And yet, that self-judgment and that self-criticism can put such a dark cloud over the way we feel.(4:40) As doctors and dentists. (4:44) As women in this profession of healing and taking care of our patients. (4:49) So, when does it show up?(4:52) It shows up when something goes wrong or not as expected. (4:56) Am I right? (4:56) Those Pop-Tarts.(4:58) Nuala had in her mind some version of a Pop-Tart. (5:02) I don't know what it was. (5:03) But in her mind, something didn't turn out the way that she had envisioned it.(5:08) When something goes wrong or not as expected. (5:12) When a patient doesn't respond the way we had hoped. (5:17) When the day doesn't lay out the way we had expected.(5:21) When a team member doesn't follow the rules. (5:25) What do we do? (5:25) We default to self-judgment.(5:28) What did I do wrong? (5:29) Where did I go wrong? (5:30) I should have said it differently.(5:32) I'm not good enough. (5:34) I'm not a good enough leader. (5:35) I'm not a good enough dentist.(5:37) I don't know enough. (5:38) I need to take more CE. (5:40) Who I am is not good enough.(5:42) If I looked older. (5:44) If I looked younger. (5:45) If I looked skinnier.(5:46) If I looked fatter. (5:48) If I looked taller. (5:49) If I looked more knowledgeable.(5:51) The other time it shows up is when someone is upset. (5:55) We get very uncomfortable when other people are upset. (5:59) And it makes so much sense.(6:01) I mean, that's what we do best is take people out of pain. (6:04) We do that really well. (6:05) Our goal is take people out of discomfort.(6:08) So when people are upset or unhappy, boom. (6:12) It triggers self-judgment. (6:14) Where did I go wrong?(6:16) What didn't I say right? (6:17) How did I not inform them properly? (6:21) How have I not prepared them?(6:23) Where am I not a good enough leader that I haven't told my team what to say and what to do? (6:28) Notice the self-judgment that immediately comes up. (6:32) When you perceive someone is unhappy.(6:35) It's even stronger when you perceive someone is unhappy with you. (6:40) Right? (6:41) Even in our private lives.(6:42) When somebody is unhappy with you, not just when they are, but when you perceive they are. (6:48) When you think they are. (6:49) When that text message doesn't get returned.(6:52) When someone doesn't follow through. (6:55) They told you they'd send you something and they didn't. (6:57) You didn't get an invitation to the party.(6:59) The moment something gives us reason to think. (7:06) Not fact. (7:07) Think.(7:09) Fantasize. (7:09) That someone is unhappy with me. (7:11) Boom.(7:12) Self-judgment steps in. (7:14) What did I do wrong? (7:15) I'm not a good enough friend.(7:17) I haven't given enough time to her. (7:20) I haven't said I love you enough. (7:22) I haven't done enough for her.(7:23) I'm not good enough. (7:25) She doesn't think I'm a good enough friend. (7:28) When someone doesn't do what you expected of them is another time.(7:33) When something doesn't follow through. (7:36) When someone, you have an expectation of someone. (7:39) And you hope that something comes through.(7:42) I had this happen to me recently. (7:45) When a coach, I was working with a business coach. (7:48) And it didn't pan out the way that I had expected it to.(7:54) She didn't do what she promised. (7:56) What's the first thing that happens? (7:58) Self-judgment.(7:59) Self-criticism. (8:00) Self-doubt. (8:01) Another time that it shows up is when you notice someone else doing really well.(8:10) Comparison, right? (8:11) That's a big moment of self-judgment. (8:14) When you see, wow, she's doing really well.(8:18) Or on social media, her family looks great. (8:21) Or she goes away on vacation all the time. (8:24) Self-judgment steps in.(8:25) Instead of celebrating her, our go-to is this programming of self-judgment. (8:32) Another time when self-judgment steps in is when you don't feel the way you had expected to feel. (8:39) This I hear a lot from so many women doctors and dentists, physicians and dentists.(8:46) When you get to a point in your life and you've achieved a certain amount of success. (8:50) Or you've achieved the goals you've set out for yourself. (8:54) And you don't feel the way you thought those things would make you feel.(9:00) Boom. (9:00) Self-judgment. (9:02) Something wrong with me.(9:03) What's wrong with me? (9:04) I'm sitting here with everything that I possibly could want. (9:08) I've created the life of my dreams.(9:11) I've achieved all my goals. (9:12) Why don't I feel good? (9:14) Why don't I feel free?(9:16) Why don't I feel calm? (9:17) Why don't I feel satisfied? (9:19) And the self-judgment, that why don't I, key indicator of self-judgment.(9:24) When we look in the mirror. (9:27) Self-judgment. (9:28) Self-criticism.(9:29) And I just want to honor here that this has been programmed into you. (9:38) Definitely in dental school and medical school. (9:41) Definitely over and over and over again told that you're not good enough.(9:45) And told you to compare yourself to others. (9:49) Told you. (9:50) There was never a moment where it was good enough.(9:53) So funny. (9:54) I even heard this from my daughter recently in middle school. (9:57) She's not even in dental school or medical school.(9:59) And she said to me, you know, I got 101 on that test. (10:04) But man, I missed the extra credit. (10:07) There were two extra credit questions.(10:09) She only got one. (10:10) Damn it. (10:10) I didn't get that extra.(10:11) I just, I need to study harder. (10:13) Wow. (10:16) So exemplative of what the kind of pressure that we put on ourselves.(10:21) And the way that it impacts us. (10:23) Now this is the really interesting thing. (10:25) We think it fuels us to do better.(10:28) To work harder. (10:29) And to an extent it does. (10:32) Will she feel the pressure on the next exam to study harder?(10:35) Probably. (10:37) But there is a point where it is no longer sustainable. (10:43) And it doesn't actually work in your favor.(10:46) It actually works to hinder you. (10:48) And the way it shows up in medicine and dentistry is imposter syndrome is one way. (10:54) Where we suddenly feel like we're living a double life.(10:59) They all think this of me, but if they knew what's actually the truth. (11:05) I put on a really good face. (11:08) I fake it really well.(11:10) But I'm actually dying inside. (11:12) Another thing a client told me just this last week was I look really calm. (11:18) People tell me they feel a lot of calm around me.(11:21) I'm a good doctor because they feel safe and calm. (11:25) But I am dying of stress underneath the surface. (11:31) She likened herself to a duck.(11:33) She said, you know when a duck is just gliding over water. (11:36) And underwater her legs are furiously and frantically swimming. (11:41) She said, that is what I feel like all the time.(11:44) And I thought, oh my gosh, that is exhausting. (11:48) That imposter syndrome to maintain that appearance. (11:52) To maintain that facade constantly.(11:55) I got it all together. (11:57) Trust me, I know this feeling. (11:58) I felt the same way.(12:00) Please come to my orthodontic practice because this is the greatest. (12:04) We do the greatest. (12:06) I am the greatest.(12:08) Please join my team. (12:10) And in the back, feeling like I'm the worst. (12:15) Energetically so depleting and exhausting.(12:18) And that's when we start feeling like I don't have the energy to keep going. (12:23) That self-criticism and that self-judgment actually has repercussions. (12:27) As it builds and it builds and it builds.(12:31) And we start feeling like we're living this double life. (12:33) Not just that, but it convinces you that you don't deserve to ask for what you need. (12:40) It's the self-judgment and the self-criticism at the very core of why you feel guilty to take time off.(12:50) To take a break. (12:51) Because the self-judgment and the self-criticism has been telling you, you're not good enough. (12:56) You need to work harder.(12:57) You're not X enough. (12:58) You need to do X more. (13:01) It steps in any time you hear the words not good enough.(13:06) Or feel them or think them. (13:08) Not a good enough mom. (13:10) Not a good enough leader.(13:12) Not a good enough doctor. (13:14) I'm not a good enough wife. (13:15) I'm not a good enough daughter.(13:17) Not a good enough woman. (13:18) All those not good enoughs are really sourced from this self-criticism and self-judgment. (13:24) And it is a programming.(13:26) It also leads us to hide. (13:29) To avoid conversation. (13:31) To avoid asking for it.(13:33) It leads to people-pleasing. (13:35) Right? (13:35) I need to do more for you because who I am is not enough.(13:41) It leads to not taking action on your dreams or here's the really critical one, your intuition. (13:49) Because when you're in constant self-judgment and self-criticism, you stop trusting that voice inside of you. (13:57) And this is a pivotal moment when you can start realizing, oh my gosh, that programming has been in me since I was little.(14:06) And just like any programming that we have been talking about this entire series, recognize that the programming at some level was a choice. (14:19) There was a moment in time where you chose to believe the benefit of self-judgment and self-criticism. (14:27) And the really amazing thing is because you were so powerful to accept that programming, you are powerful enough today as the grown woman that you are to choose differently.(14:47) And that's all it takes. (14:49) It takes awareness of the programming and then a choice. (14:55) I will no longer tolerate shaming myself, judging myself, telling myself I'm not good enough.(15:06) From this day forward, I give myself permission to start noticing every time I do. (15:13) And that is where it starts, my friend. (15:16) Paying attention to all the moments of self-judgment and self-criticism.(15:20) It is nobody outside of you. (15:23) It is within you. (15:24) And I've said this before.(15:26) No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. (15:30) Thank you, Eleanor Roosevelt, for that beautiful quote. (15:33) And it's true.(15:34) It is a consensual agreement to I am not good enough. (15:40) But here's the truth. (15:42) You are doing incredible things.(15:46) Of course you are good enough. (15:48) You never needed to prove it. (15:50) And yet, look back over your life and notice the incredible achievements and accomplishments you have succeeded in.(16:01) Notice the number of things you have held at one time. (16:07) Incredibly so. (16:10) Not just your career and your family and your own health and your own success, but that of all the people around you.(16:20) Notice all the people you have supported this entire time. (16:23) You are doing incredible things. (16:26) You made a Pop-Tart.(16:28) Damn it. (16:29) It's incredible. (16:31) You deserve to take a bite of that Pop-Tart and enjoy it.(16:36) And the power is within you. (16:38) The choice is within you. (16:41) So I'm giving you an opportunity this week.(16:45) Start noticing the incredible miracle that you are. (16:50) Start a new programming. (16:53) That's it.(16:54) Because all that happened with this old programming is somewhere in your life, maybe as early as middle school, you accepted the programming of self-judgment and self-criticism. (17:05) And then, now this is important, you started practicing it. (17:09) And maybe you've been practicing it for 44 years.(17:15) Maybe 23 years, maybe 10 years, maybe 60 years. (17:19) The practice has embedded it in your psyche. (17:25) Your neural pathways have become really entrenched.(17:29) There's a really girthy connection right there. (17:32) The moment something doesn't go your way, self-judgment. (17:35) The moment someone says they're upset, self-judgment.(17:39) The moment you perceive, not truth, you don't have evidence, but you say, oh my gosh, she didn't text me back, she must hate me. (17:48) Where did I go wrong? (17:49) The moment you perceive someone's unhappy with you, you go to self-judgment.(17:53) You get to notice those things. (17:56) And I always say this as well. (17:58) Awareness is a superpower.(18:00) The awareness of the self-judgment, the awareness of the programming, and start noticing it everywhere, in social media, in marketing. (18:10) Notice the profit that so many organizations, companies, businesses are making off of your self-judgment. (18:20) Notice when they find that weak spot and they press on it and they make money because of your self-judgment.(18:28) This is where we get to draw a line in the sand. (18:30) No more. (18:31) I will no longer tolerate self-judgment, self-shaming.(18:40) This is the day I start becoming my own greatest cheerleader instead of feeding that shitty committee inside my own head. (18:49) And it becomes a practice. (18:52) And here's the sneaky thing, because it's not an if, it's a when.(18:56) It's a when, when you finally say, oh my God, Taryn, I have been trying this for so long and I'm still hearing the self-judgment. (19:05) What is wrong with me? (19:06) Boom, notice the self-judgment right there.(19:09) Celebrate that moment when you start saying to yourself, oh my gosh, it's still happening. (19:14) What's wrong? (19:14) I've been trying so hard.(19:16) Oh, what a beautiful moment when you notice that moment of judging your self-judgment. (19:22) I can't wait for that moment because that's the moment you get to actually break it and say, oh my gosh, you sneaky little so-and-so. (19:32) No longer will I tolerate judging myself.(19:36) This day, I choose to love myself and start building a new neuronal pathway, a new habit pattern, a new thought process, a new habit and ritual of loving and celebrating yourself because that is how you reach greater levels of success. (19:58) That is how you reach greater levels of happiness and freedom. (20:02) That is how you give yourself permission to take a break without guilt.(20:07) That is when we break the imposter syndrome. (20:11) You don't need to lose another pound or make another dollar or learn another skill set. (20:19) You are exactly perfect the way you are.(20:23) You are doing incredible things every day. (20:27) When you feel that and honor it, that is when you do even greater things because from that place, you can access compassion. (20:35) From that place, you can access motivation.(20:39) From that place, you can access energizing and permission to rest and have clarity over what's happening over your life and in your life. (20:48) You are doing amazing things, my friend. (20:51) I see it.(20:53) You deserve to see it too because when you feel good, when you say no to that programming, when you become aware of the self-judgment and shaming and self-criticism programming that has been embedded in you, you get to extricate it and pull that out. (21:12) That parasite that's in your body, literally pull it out of your body and say, not today, my friend. (21:19) It is a choice and you are that powerful.(21:22) I just want to honor you for saying yes to you. (21:28) Thank you for listening to the Business of Happiness podcast. (21:32) If this episode brought you new perspective and value, I invite you to subscribe so that you catch all upcoming episodes and leave us a review.(21:42) If you know of a friend or colleague who could benefit from this perspective, share this episode with them and empower their day. (21:49) For more information about the Business of Happiness and the Radical Happiness for Practitioners course, find me on www.thebizofhappiness.com. (22:00) See you there.