#418 - The Weekend Won’t Save You

Stop waiting to feel happy. In today’s episode, Dr. Tarryn MacCarthy shares a powerful reminder for high-achieving healthcare professionals and women in dentistry who keep pushing through life, work, and success while saving happiness for later. She connects dental burnout, work-life balance, emotional energy, and the habit of rushing toward the next goal with one simple truth: joy grows when you practice presence now. From the Sunday scaries to the “I’ll be happy when” mindset, this episode will help you rethink what success should actually feel like. Hit play before another Tuesday gets mistaken for a waiting room.

Show notes:
(1:30) The cost of small choices
(3:49) Stop living for the weekend
(8:47) The math of wishing life away
(12:31) Why big wins do not last
(17:25) Rewiring how you see life
(21:17) Finding joy inside daily work
(25:55) Outro

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Transcript

Dr. Tarryn MacCarthy

(0:01) Welcome to the Business of Happiness podcast. (0:05) It's your host, Dr. Tarryn MacCarthy. (0:08) And this is the podcast where we put happiness first.(0:14) I help high achieving, deeply passionate healthcare professionals like you rediscover their happiness and their freedom. (0:23) Join me in conversations with experts to uncover our unique definition of happiness and answer the question, is there really such a thing as work-life balance? (0:35) If you've heard yourself saying, you know, I'll be happy when?(0:41) Well, my friend, the time is now. (0:44) Time to step out of the busyness of your life and time to step into the business of happiness. (0:54) Hello and welcome to the Business of Happiness podcast.(0:58) Hello, my friend, how are you? (1:01) I hope that wherever you are, you are doing well and enjoying this summer. (1:08) And I mean that.(1:09) I mean that from the depths of my heart, that I hope you are enjoying this summer and not putting off your happiness, delaying your happiness and missing out on this phenomenal moment that is right here in front of you. (1:30) I heard this statistic a few weeks ago and I've been really obsessing about it, really thinking about this idea of compound interest. (1:40) Well, we know about it and we're very, you know, in dentistry and in medicine, we're very aware, many of us have really studied money and savings and how to make the most of the amount of time that we're putting into our work.(1:54) And so, you know, so many of us understand compounding interest, but this statistic still caught me unawares. (2:02) It was that if you spend $27 a day, every day, now through the weekends, of course, if you put $27 away with compounding interest of about 8%, in one year, that adds up to $10,000. (2:22) $10,000.(2:24) Let me tell you, my husband and I have always made our own lunch and it's always surprised me, and I don't know if you've noticed this too, when team members come in and they're buying lunch every day and I keep thinking, gosh, that must really add up. (2:37) What? (2:37) That really hit me when I heard that.(2:40) I thought, oh my gosh, yeah, let me keep making my own lunch. (2:43) That's absolutely making a difference. (2:46) And that little compounding interest fascinating point reminded me of the compounding interest of the way we feel and the moments we choose to be present.(3:06) Just like money, it is energy. (3:09) And just like money, it compounds over time. (3:13) And it creates a bigger and bigger impact in your life.(3:19) That $27 on one day doesn't seem like very much, but $10,000 seems enormous at the end of the year. (3:27) And the same thing goes for your energetic output and the way you are experiencing your life emotionally and energetically. (3:36) Where am I going with this?(3:38) I thought I'd do a little bit of math again. (3:40) And I've done this several times and I keep looking and I think that can't be true. (3:46) But I'm going to share this math with you right now.(3:49) The idea of pushing through to the weekend. (3:54) Several people, they keep playing around with this. (3:56) It's hump day.(3:57) We're halfway there. (3:58) We're almost there. (4:00) And this idea of pushing through and delaying happiness, enjoyment, fulfilled life until the weekend.(4:11) So if we were to take these 52 weeks a year, let's say that in a year, you enjoy a full month of vacation where you are completely disconnected at different points, right? (4:25) Maybe two weeks here, a week here, a week here. (4:27) But there is one full month where every year where you're just unplugged, not stressed, not pushing through, just fully enjoying it.(4:38) Which, by the way, let's be honest with ourselves. (4:40) There are vacations that I have pushed through. (4:45) There are days off.(4:46) I mean, even I was sitting at my daughter's concert the other night and I was remembering that I used to think, oh my gosh, when is this over? (4:55) Can we just push through this? (4:56) When is this?(4:57) I've done a lot of work to be very present in the moment and I was reflecting how that was a very real thing for me. (5:05) Volleyball games. (5:06) Gosh, when is this going to end?(5:08) Can we just push through this? (5:09) On a weekend. (5:11) So notice how the way you do one thing is the way you do everything.(5:14) So if this is a temperament, for sure I had created in myself where I was just pushing through to get to the next thing, pushing through to get to the next thing. (5:24) Even my races. (5:25) I remember running thinking, oh my gosh, mile four.(5:31) I got to just push through. (5:32) I'm almost halfway there. (5:33) Just like literally wishing away the experience.(5:38) And then we get to holidays where we want to slow time down. (5:43) But if you've been practicing speeding time up, if you've been practicing bypassing the present moment, it's actually incredibly difficult to do so when you want to cherry pick the times you want to be present for. (5:57) So let's just pay attention to this math that I was doing.(6:00) So go back 52 weeks a year. (6:02) Let's say a full month of it you're able to be fully present. (6:06) You've done the work.(6:08) You can slow your body down. (6:10) There's none of that. (6:11) It takes two to four days just to calm down enough to regulate your nervous system to actually be present.(6:16) There's none of the filling your vacation days with so much sightseeing and events and planned and scheduled things that you're actually able to be present. (6:31) Which, by the way, I know so many of you are saying, oh my gosh, that's me. (6:35) I pack my days off.(6:38) I pack my holidays. (6:39) I'm sometimes more exhausted coming back from holiday than I was when I left. (6:47) Oh my gosh, that's so true in so many of my past holiday experiences that I really didn't enjoy.(6:52) I remember going to Iceland. (6:55) You know, we spent so much money on this trip. (6:57) We took time off.(6:58) We found child care for our kids and care for the dogs, and finally Killian and I got away, and I just was pushing through that whole vacation, just wishing for the next day for various reasons. (7:10) And I can name probably 10 vacations I did that in. (7:13) So let's just create a fantasy here that miraculously one full month a year, you are fully present, fully able to relax and be enjoying the moment, living your life to the fullest.(7:31) And let's say every single weekend, you're able to do that as well. (7:36) So I'm taking out all those days, the full month off. (7:41) I'm taking every single weekend out of there.(7:44) That leaves us with 240 days of working, of weekdays, so maybe you don't work every day, Monday through Friday, but you know that you're still pushing through the week, right? (7:59) 240 days of I'll be happy when I get to the weekend. (8:05) I'll be happy when I get to the next thing.(8:07) I'm almost there, hump day, let's go. (8:10) We're just pushing through the day, almost at the weekend. (8:12) Now let's say you have the Sunday scaries, meaning at the end of the day on Sunday, halfway through the day, you start worrying about Monday morning.(8:22) You start looking at your calendar for the week. (8:25) You start looking at your schedule. (8:27) You start stressing out.(8:28) So you're not really present in the moment anymore. (8:31) You're actually like planning the week and getting ahead of yourself and lining things up and cooking meals for the week. (8:37) And you're not really present in the moment.(8:39) You're not living and enjoying life. (8:42) You're kind of pushing through or maybe amping up getting ready for the week. (8:47) We're talking 264 days a year of anxiety, pushing through, delaying happiness, not feeling like you're truly living your life.(8:58) Guys, that's only 101 days. (9:01) Every year of possible enjoyment and fulfilling life. (9:09) That's 27% of your life that you're actually being present, that you're actually enjoying.(9:18) That's 73% of your life that you're wishing away. (9:26) 73% at the end of the year of your life that you wished away. (9:31) And I find it so amusing that there's this huge trend of living longer, of extending our life.(9:40) But what is the point if you're missing being alive right now? (9:45) What is the point if you're not fully living now? (9:52) I have this program that I run and one of the big things we talk about is it's not about doing more.(10:00) It's about living more. (10:03) That's what adds the color, the richness, the fullness of your life. (10:11) I don't want to live 110 years where 73% of it I'm not even present.(10:17) I'm in stress and anxiety and pushing through. (10:20) What is the point? (10:22) Why not live 73 years fully?(10:26) Enjoy every moment. (10:29) Celebrate a Tuesday or a Thursday or a Wednesday instead of hump day pushing through. (10:35) Actually being present.(10:37) And I think we rob ourselves of this I'll be happy when component. (10:43) It really seeps into so many areas of your life, doesn't it? (10:47) It seeps into pushing through dental school.(10:52) What would you give now, right? (10:53) I mean, maybe you wouldn't return to dental school. (10:55) I remember it as so stressful and I was wishing away every moment.(11:00) But when I went on college tours with my daughter and my son and I looked at all these students on the quad, on the green, in the coffee shops. (11:09) I mean, what would I give now to just sit and study and learn with a latte in my hand and then debate and have conversations about it later that evening? (11:22) Sounds amazing.(11:24) I think back to my college. (11:26) I pushed through so hard. (11:28) I graduated in three years of college.(11:30) I just wanted to get through college and get to dental school. (11:35) I crammed so much in that time. (11:37) I have no enjoyable, pleasurable memories of college.(11:41) I keep in touch with no friends from college. (11:44) Not one. (11:46) I pushed so hard, pushed through so hard that I just sped through.(11:53) I didn't even go to my college graduation. (11:56) I didn't even enjoy the moments there. (11:59) I think back now I had a full scholarship and I pushed through.(12:04) Why didn't I just slow down and take some more art classes, some more philosophy classes? (12:11) I mean, Elie Wiesel was teaching at BU at the time. (12:15) Oh my gosh, what would I give to go back in time and audit one of his classes?(12:21) Man, that would have been amazing. (12:23) But I was already in this push-through mentality, this I'll be happy when, delaying my happiness. (12:31) You know, it's really interesting because there was this study done in 1975.(12:38) And the study, not new, old study. (12:41) We've known this for a very long time and the study did something really interesting. (12:45) It looked at two cohorts.(12:49) One cohort of people who'd won mega millions in the lottery. (12:54) Like it had to be, I don't remember the exact number, but it was a lot of money. (12:59) It was more than a million, which back in 75 was a lot of money to get in a lottery win.(13:05) And the other cohort were people who were in tragic accidents that left them paralyzed, quadriplegics. (13:14) One day they were walking, the next day they were not. (13:19) So we're looking at two very different cohorts.(13:22) People who I'll be happy when, right? (13:24) I'll be happy when I win the lottery. (13:26) How many times have we heard that?(13:27) I'll be happy when I pay off my student loan debt. (13:31) I'll be happy when I pay off my practice loan. (13:35) I'll be happy when I make X amount of money, right?(13:38) We always think that there's a money component to happiness. (13:44) And by the way, in psychology, we call this effective forecasting because it turns out we are extraordinarily bad at predicting what will bring us happiness. (13:55) We think it's money, but actually might it be learning how to just be present right now?(14:04) So this study looked at exactly that. (14:07) They looked at these people who literally won mega millions and then what we would think would be a devastating loss. (14:14) Absolutely it is.(14:15) And they looked at these two cohorts of people and they counted back in time to six months prior. (14:21) So they looked at them six months prior to the accident and they evaluated happiness six months before and six months after. (14:29) And you know what they found?(14:31) It didn't matter what happened to you. (14:35) Everyone returned to the same baseline level of happiness six months later statistically. (14:43) There was a statistically significant number of people who returned six months after the incident, after the accident, after the lottery win.(14:51) They returned to however happy they were before. (14:55) So if you were a generally happy, live in the moment, present accruing happiness, whether it's a Tuesday or a Sunday kind of person, you were that person whether you won the lottery or you lost the use of your limbs. (15:11) And if you were in general high anxiety, didn't have the practices or the tools or the experience or the support or the therapy to help you live in the moment and constantly living in waiting for happiness, guess what?(15:27) Same thing happened six months after winning the lottery. (15:31) Same thing happened six months after having this tragic accident. (15:35) What they actually found, and this was another really interesting finding, was people who won the lottery, it actually became more difficult for them to experience happiness with mundane things like walking the dog, going to the grocery store.(15:53) Those things started falling flat. (15:57) And this is something that is termed the hedonic treadmill. (16:00) We create a new baseline for ourselves, right?(16:05) It's why that Prada bag, does Prada have bags or shoes? (16:09) I'm not sure, I'm not a big, I don't put a lot of value on those things, but I know many people do, or Jimmy Choo, or like why those things eventually feel old, right? (16:20) You create a next thing you want for yourself.(16:23) In the moment you get this little dopamine hit, it feels really good in the moment, but after a while it kind of wears off, and you need the next best thing. (16:31) There's nothing wrong with you, it's just how psychology works. (16:33) We create this, it's called hedonic treadmill.(16:36) I'll never forget Killian, my husband, he went to an oral surgery conference, and he met up with a whole bunch of friends, and there was a friend of his there who started practicing in Hawaii. (16:48) And he was chatting with him, he was like, man, it must be amazing to practice in Hawaii. (16:54) Every day there's palm trees out your window.(16:57) How cool is that? (16:59) How is it? (16:59) What's it like practicing in Hawaii?(17:01) He said, man, even the palm trees get old after a while. (17:07) Boom, right there. (17:09) Isn't it so interesting?(17:11) It's called the hedonic treadmill. (17:14) But here's the thing, just having the awareness of it gives you the power for a new perspective choice. (17:25) You actually have the choice to be different.(17:33) It isn't who you are hardwired. (17:37) We have neuroplasticity on our side, my friends. (17:41) You get to rewire your neuronal network to stop deleting the palm trees you're driving by and actually start paying attention to them again.(17:53) All it takes is awareness. (17:56) Like the awareness I had with that statistic of the $27 a day. (18:00) What?(18:02) That's crazy. (18:04) How easy is it to spend $27 on lunch, by the way, nowadays? (18:08) You mean if I put $27 a day away, every day I just push it over to this bank account that maybe has a high yield interest rate, at the end of the year I'll have $10,000?(18:21) That's a great savings plan. (18:23) What a great practice. (18:25) Easy $27 a day, I can do that.(18:29) Same goes for investing in your own happiness and the compounding effect of it. (18:34) Because once you create that habit pattern, just like any habit pattern, man, it sticks. (18:41) We don't have to just live our lives reactive to the events outside of ourselves.(18:49) Putting our sense of worth or happiness based on things outside of ourselves, based on whether or not your patients say thank you, based on whether or not your team members stay with you. (19:03) Your happiness doesn't have to depend on it. (19:06) Your willingness to live fully every day is a choice.(19:14) It is a beautiful choice. (19:17) And when you open up that ability, that possibility, you start compounding looking at life differently. (19:27) This is also shown in research.(19:31) When you start having a more positive perspective, a more empowered perspective, noticing your power over the way you feel and less reactive, less giving away your power to everyone else, it compounds into everything. (19:53) When you teach your body to slow down instead of pushing through Wednesday, hump day, through to the weekend, you actually learn how to do it in all aspects of your life. (20:05) And sitting at the dinner table, you don't start getting antsy like, I got to get up, I got to get up and wash the dishes.(20:11) Have you found that in yourself? (20:13) Where you're sitting with your family and the kids are sharing their stories from the day and you start thinking, oh my God, I got to get up. (20:21) I got to get up and wash dishes.(20:23) I got to get moving. (20:24) Got to pack the lunches. (20:25) Got to do the thing.(20:26) Right? (20:27) Laundry to fold. (20:29) And you miss the moment of living.(20:33) You're pushing through, sitting in that sweaty gym, listening to the musical performance of your middle schooler. (20:43) Can you take a breath and slow down and be present for the moment? (20:50) Because guys, we don't learn to be present in moments of choice.(20:56) We learn how to do it all the time. (21:00) It is compounding. (21:01) You can't just rush through some moments and slow down others.(21:07) It is a practice we get to do all the time. (21:11) And it doesn't take that much effort. (21:14) It's an intention.(21:17) You know, I remember I was really looking into this when I was feeling so frustrated with myself and so unfulfilled at work and sad and feeling like, what is wrong with me? (21:29) I've got everything I ever wanted. (21:31) I've got a practice I built.(21:33) I worked through so much. (21:35) I built so much. (21:36) I have so much money around me.(21:37) Why am I feeling so unfulfilled? (21:39) What is it that brings me happiness? (21:41) And I started really doing this work of discovering what brings me joy, what brings me fulfillment.(21:48) So many resources. (21:49) By the way, if you're interested, I run this incredible program called Radical Happiness. (21:54) It's where we really learn all of these incredible practices of nervous system regulation, how to slow down, how to identify what really brings you joy, how to implement it in your practice, how to implement it in your life, how to regain your power.(22:11) So if you're interested, just reach out to me, taryn at drtarynmccarthy.com or taryn at thebizofhappiness.com. (22:18) Just send me a quick message and I'll send you when the next cohort's starting. (22:23) But when I started doing this work, I was looking at the love languages.(22:27) If you've ever heard the five love languages, a great book by the way, I highly recommend it. (22:32) And I realized one of my love languages is quality time. (22:36) So there are five love languages and I think they are words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and then touch, physical touch.(22:46) And I realized, wow, you know, my love language is quality time. (22:51) And I took a step back one day and I thought, oh my gosh, I don't take quality time with anyone. (23:00) It's my love language.(23:02) It's what fuels my happiness and my fulfillment. (23:04) It makes me feel good to give and receive it. (23:07) And I push through and rush through every single appointment with my patients, every single sweet moment with my team.(23:17) Everything needed a sense of productivity or accomplishment or a goal or an end point. (23:25) Even with my family. (23:26) I mean, we did these great vacations that all had purpose.(23:29) We were climbing mountains. (23:31) Like I had to get to the top or we had to achieve a certain goal or see the landmarks in that city. (23:36) Like, you know, all the Instagram points, right?(23:39) Like look up, we got to hit these things. (23:42) And I was missing the magic of the present moment in the beauty of quality time, which meant so much for me. (23:52) And just that awareness, my friend, changed everything because I realized, now in ortho we see like 60 to 100 patients a day.(24:00) There were 35, depends on your practice. (24:04) There were 35 people a day I had the opportunity to have quality time with. (24:12) 35 kids in my chair.(24:15) Quality time doesn't mean 25 minutes or an hour. (24:19) Quality time just means my presence in the moment. (24:24) Being present with you.(24:26) And it doesn't mean they're all happy moments. (24:30) The deepest connection we get with one another is sometimes in the sadness. (24:36) I sat with a friend the other day who's going through a really big thing in her life.(24:40) She just cried. (24:43) Man, I feel so connected to her because I was able to be fully present. (24:47) Just allow her to cry.(24:49) That was fulfilling for me and for her. (24:52) Doesn't mean we were swinging from the rafters in joy and happiness, rainbows and unicorns. (24:58) We were sad.(25:00) And it was beautiful. (25:01) It was living life. (25:03) And I thought, this is what I want 365 days a year.(25:07) Not just 27% of the time. (25:11) That is the fullness of life. (25:14) That is the fullness of life.(25:16) And if I can do that for every day of my life, every day of the week, what if success wasn't the amount of money in your bank account, but the number of hours you feel the way you want to feel every day? (25:34) So I hope you're having a wonderful summer. (25:37) I hope that you're slowing down.(25:40) You're choosing a new perspective. (25:42) That you are intentionally putting in choice of being present for the good, the bad, the ugly, all of it, and not pushing through. (25:55) Because this life is precious.(25:58) None of us are getting out of here alive. (26:01) We don't know what tomorrow brings. (26:03) So today is worth living.(26:07) Sending you so much love. (26:10) Thank you for listening to the Business of Happiness podcast. (26:14) If this episode brought you new perspective and value, I invite you to subscribe so that you catch all upcoming episodes and leave us a review.(26:24) And if you know of a friend or colleague who could benefit from this perspective, share this episode with them and empower their day. (26:32) For more information about the Business of Happiness and the Radical Happiness for Practitioners course, find me on www.thebizofhappiness.com. (26:43) See you there.