#424 - You're Trying to Change The Wrong Thing

The behavior is a signal, not the story. In today’s episode, Dr. Tarryn MacCarthy reminds high-achieving women in dentistry and healthcare that a hard moment does not mean they have failed. She explains how self-shame can show up when your nervous system feels unsafe and why harsh self-talk often adds more stress instead of relief.

From parenting and patient care to leading a team, Dr. Tarryn offers a kinder way to respond. Notice what is happening beneath the reaction. Name the feeling. Give yourself the care you would offer someone else. Press play, and let the part of you that has been hiding come home.

Show notes:
(3:06) Behavior shows how safety feels
(5:28) Why self-shame starts so quickly
(9:03) Where shame learned its power
(11:27) Shame grows when kept hidden
(12:44) A self-alignment framework to help dentists and healthcare professionals to reconnect with themselves beyond burnout and outside expectations. https://truetomemethod.com/
(15:36) Naming the fear beneath disconnection
(20:00) Patient stress and self-defense
(24:18) Outro

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Email: tarryn@drtarrynmaccarthy.com

Book a call with Tarryn:
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Unlock your inner peace and reclaim joy in your profession with the Nervous System Regulation For Dentists Course: https://www.thebizofhappiness.com/calm

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Transcript

Dr. Tarryn MacCarthy

(0:01) Welcome to the Business of Happiness podcast. (0:05) It's your host, Dr. Tarryn MacCarthy. (0:08) And this is the podcast where we put happiness first.(0:14) I help high achieving, deeply passionate healthcare professionals like you rediscover their happiness and their freedom. (0:23) Join me in conversations with experts to uncover our unique definition of happiness and answer the question, is there really such a thing as work-life balance? (0:35) If you've heard yourself saying, you know, I'll be happy when?(0:41) Well, my friend, the time is now. (0:44) Time to step out of the busyness of your life and time to step into the business of happiness. (0:52) I love it.(0:56) Hello, welcome to the Business of Happiness podcast. (0:59) Hello, my friends. (1:01) Welcome back.(1:02) I'm your host, Dr. Tarryn MacCarthy. (1:04) And for those of you who are new to the podcast, welcome. (1:08) You are here because you are a woman in medicine or dentistry and you are feeling overwhelmed or disconnected from yourself or unclear about your next path forward, unclear about what you should be doing or saying to feel better.(1:26) You maybe have noticed a limitation or a ceiling to your success or your happiness. (1:33) And if that is speaking to you, my friend, you are home. (1:38) Welcome to the Business of Happiness podcast.(1:42) And yes, what you are saying and speaking and how you're acting and whether or not you're doing the thing you wish you were doing is not the problem. (1:56) How you feel is. (1:59) So nine months ago, I was having a conversation with my incredible cousin, who is a palliative care physician, and she had decided to move to Australia.(2:12) She was practicing in the States, she's moving to Australia. (2:15) And all kinds of emotions were coming up about it. (2:19) And the biggest stress that she was experiencing nine months ago, they'd sold their house, they, she'd given her notice at the hospital, she'd found another job in Australia, all things, her kids, finding them schooling and everything.(2:32) They were navigating all the stresses, which you can imagine, immigrating to a different country brings. (2:38) And the one thing she was in tears with me on the phone about was her dog, Wiley, this sweet one and a half year old golden doodle. (2:48) And she said, I just can't find a home for Wiley.(2:50) He is, has high anxiety. (2:53) He can be aggressive. (2:54) He doesn't like other dogs.(2:56) He doesn't like other humans. (2:57) But in my house, he is a love. (2:59) He is such a sweetheart.(3:01) And if I take him to Australia with the immigration laws, they will euthanize him. (3:06) There's a zero tolerance policy on dogs who are aggressive. (3:10) And without even checking with my husband, I said, we will take Wiley.(3:14) And for the past seven months, I have been on this journey with this adorable dog. (3:20) First of all, all of you who have golden doodles, how did I not know this secret? (3:25) It's a life-size jelly cat.(3:28) Jelly cats are those stuffies that feel really super soft. (3:32) Oh my gosh, we are a terrier family. (3:34) I had no idea that dogs were that soft and fuzzy.(3:37) He is such a love bug. (3:39) He melts in my arms. (3:41) He's been such a sweetheart to my family.(3:43) And the anxiety is alive and well in his body. (3:48) And we have been challenged with finding a vet, finding a groomer, taking him into public. (3:56) He just, his fear is so strong that he gets aggressive with other people, with other dogs.(4:02) So I'm working with this behavioral trainer. (4:06) She's amazing. (4:06) And she said to me, Tarryn, his behavior is not the problem.(4:13) It's the way he feels that is. (4:20) And yes, that is exactly the same in human beings. (4:25) Here Wiley is.(4:26) So one of the things she's telling me is when people come to the house, strangers come to the house, he gets wild, angry, barks, snarls, aggressive, comes across as aggressive. (4:37) He's trying to protect the house. (4:39) And what we're working on is I'm feeding him treats.(4:43) I'm feeding him treats. (4:44) Somebody new's coming to the house and I'm feeding him treats. (4:46) I'm sweet talking him.(4:48) I'm offering him some compassion. (4:51) And my first thought was, am I not reinforcing the barking? (4:54) And she said, no, Tarryn, the barking and the growling is not the problem.(4:59) The way he feels is. (5:02) He is feeling unsafe in his body. (5:06) His nervous system is feeling unsafe.(5:09) And that comes across as protect, protect, protect, protect, fight, fight, fight, fight, or flight. (5:16) And the more we can make him feel safe in his body, the less he'll go to fight or flight. (5:23) Boom, right there.(5:26) Same is true for us. (5:28) And I'm bringing this into the conversation today because we as brilliant, intellectual, capable women, sometimes shame ourselves over our behavior. (5:44) We will get called out on something.(5:46) All the moms out there, our kids call us out. (5:50) They'll say things like, oh my gosh, mom, you're using your mad voice. (5:53) Why are you using your mad voice?(5:55) And the first thing we go to is, oh my gosh, I'm an awful mom. (5:59) My kid's going to grow up thinking that their entire childhood I've been using a mad voice. (6:03) They had a mad mom.(6:06) Or one patient will leave a poor review, Google review. (6:11) And the first thing we go to is, oh my gosh, I'm an awful dentist. (6:15) Or I'm an awful leader of this practice.(6:19) Or what did I do wrong? (6:22) Where we go to immediately is self-shaming. (6:25) We blame ourselves and we shame ourselves for the behavior and we completely bypass the feeling.(6:36) We completely miss that cue in our bodies of fight or flight. (6:43) And I'm inviting you today to just consider that self-shaming might be your fight or flight behavior response. (6:54) Your indicator light that your body is in fight or flight.(6:58) What if the problem isn't the behavior? (7:03) The problem is how you're feeling. (7:07) That's it.(7:09) So let's go to that example of using your angry voice. (7:13) My kids have said this to me so many times when they were little. (7:15) Mom, you're using your mad voice.(7:17) Even if I didn't actually feel triggered in the moment and I notice, oh my gosh, immediately I get mad. (7:27) Because maybe I've been really working on being present and using a sweet voice and being calm. (7:34) And stepping away from work and transitioning from the busy, busy, busy mode and just being present with my kids.(7:40) And they call me out on it and immediately I self-shame. (7:45) I beat myself up. (7:47) Oh my gosh, I can't slow down.(7:49) I'm not a good enough mom. (7:51) All those old thoughts and beliefs and honestly fears sneak back in. (7:58) And instead I'm losing sight of the fact that I just got triggered.(8:05) My nervous system is feeling fear or shame or sadness. (8:11) And when we go to that place of self-shaming, we actually make it worse. (8:19) So maybe it's self-shaming around not going to the gym.(8:24) And the moment you start beating yourself up, what are you doing? (8:27) You're actually attacking a nervous system that already feels in fight or flight. (8:33) Let's go back to my dog Wiley.(8:36) The moment I yell at him for barking or growling, I am making the situation worse. (8:43) The moment I punish him for barking or growling, I'm taking an already fragile nervous system. (8:51) And I'm adding stress to his nervous system.(8:57) We do the same to ourselves with shaming. (8:59) And let's take a look at the moment for shaming. (9:03) Shaming is a programming that was instilled in us at a very young age.(9:10) Very young age. (9:11) Don't do that. (9:12) Don't behave that way.(9:14) Don't feel that way. (9:15) Don't cry. (9:16) Don't be too happy.(9:17) Don't be too sad. (9:19) Very, very, very young age. (9:21) You probably got some form of that lesson.(9:26) Whether it was from a parent, maybe it was from a friend, maybe it was from a teacher. (9:31) And we most definitely got that reinforced in dental school. (9:35) Maybe it was from society.(9:37) This programming of shaming you, of making you feel wrong about yourself. (9:44) Shaming you also served a lot of people. (9:48) Maybe your parents.(9:50) It served them to keep you quiet. (9:53) Right? (9:54) You should feel bad about this because look at how it's making me feel.(9:58) Or you're not thinking about the other people. (10:02) Think about how the other people are feeling when you're behaving that way. (10:05) Making your behavior feel something to be shamed about.(10:11) So let's just normalize that first of all. (10:15) Let's just take that off the table. (10:18) That if you're noticing self-shaming behavior, this hyper self-criticism, self-blaming behavior, let that just be normalized because there's nothing wrong with you.(10:31) Maybe you even had relationships in your life. (10:36) Spouses or significant others that really benefited from you feeling bad about yourself. (10:43) It's a power play.(10:45) Often. (10:46) Shaming can be used as a power play. (10:47) You should feel so bad so that I can tell you what you should be doing.(10:53) Self-shaming is also a way of keeping you small. (10:56) Keeping you from shining too big. (10:58) Keeping you from showing someone else up.(11:01) Don't be too proud about what you just accomplished because other people might feel uncomfortable. (11:08) Notice it's a way of controlling you and keeping you small. (11:13) And in a way, it still serves that purpose.(11:17) That when you self-shame yourself, you start becoming quieter and quieter and hiding and hiding and making yourself small. (11:27) And what's really interesting about shame is, and this was heralded by Brene Brown in her research, is that shame actually festers and grows in silence, in hiding, in secrecy. (11:44) Shame cannot survive when it is exposed.(11:48) And all of those insecurities or fears that we hold about ourselves actually build and build and feel bigger and worse and surprisingly more true. (12:01) They get reinforced when we keep them to ourselves. (12:05) We hide that little secret.(12:07) That's the fuel for imposter syndrome. (12:10) Oh my gosh, I don't feel good enough, so let me not let anyone else know that I'm not feeling good enough. (12:16) Let me pretend, let me fake it.(12:18) And then what happens? (12:20) You fake it and you feel worse. (12:22) You feel more like an imposter.(12:24) The problem isn't the faking it. (12:27) Notice the problem isn't the behavior. (12:29) It's how you feel.(12:32) That's actually the source of what's happening. (12:35) And when you give yourself permission to air that, to let it be seen, now we diffuse it. (12:45) All right, my friends, I am interrupting your episode to bring to you some extremely exciting news.(12:51) Because at the Business of Happiness, we are doing something we have never done before. (12:57) Because we know that you are doing such amazing things every single day. (13:03) We know you are literally putting smiles on children's faces on a daily basis.(13:08) And you have spent so many years giving and taking care of and serving and holding space for everyone else. (13:17) Not just your patients, but your team and your family. (13:20) And it is exhausting.(13:22) And it is time to come back to what is true to you. (13:28) And that is why we are offering the Truded Me method. (13:33) We've never done this before.(13:35) And this is the core. (13:37) The foundational method. (13:40) The framework that is at the core of everything we offer is the Truded Me method.(13:46) And we're putting it in a beautiful little package. (13:49) A self-led course for you. (13:52) A mini four-step course that you can listen to on the way to work.(13:57) It is going to change the way you see yourself. (14:01) It is going to put you back in touch with what is true to you. (14:05) Because what I know is, up until this point, what we've been taught in dentistry is to outsource our choices and our decisions to the expectations of everyone around us.(14:18) What do my patients need? (14:20) What does my accountant say I need to do? (14:22) What does my family think?(14:24) What do my colleagues expect of me? (14:26) And this four-step method brings you back to you. (14:31) This is the core of finding fulfillment and freedom and satisfaction and enjoyment and living your life to the fullest.(14:41) So check out truetomemethod.com. (14:45) Easy to remember. (14:47) truetomemethod.com.(14:48) And use the code POD10. (14:51) P-O-D 10. (14:52) To get a 10% discount as a podcast listener.(14:56) Let me tell you, this is amazing. (14:59) We have already put an enormous savings. (15:02) It's usually $9.97. We're bringing it down to $4.97. And with the POD 10% savings, you get another 10% off. (15:10) This is a no-brainer. (15:11) There are CE credits. (15:13) There's community.(15:14) There's a downloadable companion guide. (15:16) There are monthly check-ins. (15:18) This is amazing.(15:19) You cannot afford to miss it. (15:22) Check out the truetomemethod.com and use the code POD10. (15:26) I am sending you so much love.(15:28) You deserve to remember what is true for you. (15:33) Now, back to the episode. (15:36) This happened to me in a big way just a couple of weeks ago.(15:40) I was noticing my behavior. (15:42) I was noticing the way I felt. (15:44) I was noticing feeling disconnected, uninspired, unmotivated, a little blah, a little bit distant and not connected to my husband or my friends, a little bit like hiding.(15:56) I wasn't so inspired with content creation. (16:01) I was just noticing a little bit of shaming behavior. (16:04) And I sat with it and I looked at, Tarryn, what's underneath this?(16:08) And I realized it was an old fear that had just been woken up again. (16:13) And that fear was, I'm not important. (16:17) I don't matter.(16:20) What I'm doing here is not important. (16:22) That I don't have an important role to play on this planet. (16:26) And maybe that's something that you recognize as listening to this.(16:31) And maybe not. (16:32) Maybe yours is a different fear. (16:34) But for me, that's an old fear.(16:36) And the moment I noticed it, I knew, oh my gosh, I've been hiding this fear. (16:42) And I called up my friend and I left her. (16:44) She didn't answer.(16:46) So I left her a voice note and I said, I need to expose this fear, this shaming component, because I know that the moment I let it go, it starts to diffuse. (17:00) When we hide something about ourselves, it's the secrecy that keeps it alive. (17:05) It doesn't matter what it is.(17:07) This is something that fuels addictive processes, right? (17:10) The moment we let someone know, this is happening for me. (17:14) I've been having these thoughts.(17:15) I've been having these emotions. (17:17) I've been having these fears. (17:18) It diffuses.(17:19) It takes a little bit of the sting out of it. (17:21) Because we recognize ourselves in it. (17:24) It is a loving act to identify and give awareness and hold space.(17:32) Think about it. (17:33) When you are in pain, when something hurts, when you're sad about something, what do you want? (17:39) You want to be seen.(17:40) You want to be loved through that. (17:43) And when we have something that we are shameful about and we hide and we keep as a secret, we don't allow it to be seen and loved. (17:53) We protect it so tightly that it doesn't get seen and loved, not by anyone outside of us, but most importantly, by ourselves.(18:04) Shaming behavior hides something from ourselves. (18:10) And the fastest way to diffuse it is to acknowledge it. (18:15) That is the fastest way.(18:17) And it's really interesting because, once again, like so many things we talk about here on the podcast, taking care of you is the very best thing you can do for other people. (18:26) Because when you're self-shaming, it actually takes you away from being present for the other person. (18:33) Let's talk about a parenting situation.(18:37) When, because I know this is so true in my life, my kids, they so quickly press on bruises, emotional bruises of mine. (18:45) The people who are closest to you tend to have that ability, right? (18:48) So my daughter can say something that hurts me, oh, that strikes me to the core, that I immediately elicits one of those fears of I'm not a good mom or I've ruined her childhood or I've scarred her permanently.(19:04) And when that happens, if I self-shame, if I beat myself up, oh my God, you're the worst mother. (19:12) I can't believe you've known this for so long and you did it again. (19:16) Notice, not only am I making myself feel worse in my nervous system, so that fight or flight, the alarms are going off everywhere.(19:25) Now my behavior is going to be purely resultant to being in fight or flight, which means it's going to be some form of fighting or fleeing or fawning or freezing, right? (19:37) And I'm not being open and present for what she's sharing with me. (19:42) She just shared something with me that she feels the need to be seen and heard for.(19:49) And if I'm in my own world of self-defense or fight or flight, I am not being fully open and present for what she's sharing. (19:57) Ah, isn't that so interesting? (20:00) Same thing with our patients.(20:01) When a patient says, hey, I'm still in a lot of pain. (20:06) You told me I'd feel better. (20:08) This is still feeling painful.(20:09) First thing we do, self-shame. (20:11) And what's the next thing? (20:12) Defense.(20:13) I don't know what you're talking about. (20:15) I did everything right. (20:16) You're not doing the thing you're supposed to do.(20:19) Or you didn't listen to me the first time. (20:21) I told you it would still hurt, right? (20:23) Notice the behavior that happens subsequent to the feeling.(20:28) The behavior is not the problem because what do we then do? (20:32) We beat ourselves up. (20:32) Like, oh, I shouldn't have spoken to the patient that way.(20:34) I shouldn't have yelled at my team members. (20:36) I shouldn't, right? (20:37) The should language lets us know when we self-shame.(20:41) But what it really was is there was a feeling inside that felt not good enough. (20:47) It's that part that needs soothing and healing and love. (20:52) And that part gets to be seen the moment we speak it.(20:56) So the very best thing to do in that moment is either give yourself that love. (21:03) Oh, sweetheart, I know you're feeling that way right now and you are okay. (21:09) Or share it.(21:11) Expose it. (21:13) Put it out there. (21:14) Maybe go to your husband and say, you know, this happened to me today and the first thing I felt was not good enough.(21:20) As opposed to, tell me I'm right. (21:22) Tell me I'm right here. (21:24) Right?(21:24) The patient's wrong here. (21:26) Notice the fight. (21:27) We gain so much support from loved ones when we go to fight or flight.(21:33) He was wrong, right? (21:35) Tell me he was wrong. (21:36) Of course we're going to find people to commiserate.(21:38) Of course. (21:40) But it doesn't always feel better. (21:42) It perpetuates the shame because the shame is still there.(21:47) I still feel not good enough, right? (21:49) And sometimes it doesn't suffice. (21:51) Maybe my husband, oh, then we tell ourselves he just doesn't understand because he's not a dentist.(21:55) So then we go to a friend and we're like, okay, I'm going to tell you the situation. (21:58) And we pour out all the details, the minute details of what just happened, in the meantime, making us feel worse in our bodies because now we're reliving it again. (22:10) And our friend, of course, gets activated because she's in dentistry and she maybe had something like that happen in her world.(22:17) And so, yep, we bad mouth the patient, bad mouth the team member. (22:22) And what happens? (22:24) You don't feel better.(22:25) Maybe in the moment you feel a little better because feeling angry and blameful feels better than hopeless and shamed. (22:33) But it doesn't feel good in the long run. (22:37) The behavior is not the problem.(22:39) How you feel is. (22:42) So maybe I've triggered something for you in this episode. (22:46) Maybe I touched on a bruise in this episode.(22:50) And I'm going to offer to just let that be okay for you. (22:55) Let that be okay. (22:56) Let this be an awareness.(22:57) Oh my gosh, you just woke something up in me, Tarryn, that I didn't even realize was there. (23:04) Bravo, friend. (23:05) Bravo.(23:06) Because we cannot support and love and change that which we're not aware of. (23:12) And awareness is powerful. (23:13) It is so powerful.(23:17) Awareness is the first step in healing always. (23:22) So I invite you to just allow whatever comes up for you and pay attention, most importantly, to how it makes you feel. (23:31) That's it.(23:32) And give yourself permission to be seen by you first. (23:37) And then by others. (23:40) Because shame cannot live when it is exposed.(23:44) You are doing amazing things, my friend. (23:48) You are. (23:48) Because you're listening to this episode, because you're listening to this podcast, I know that you are literally healing and taking people out of pain and giving people back their smiles and giving people back their confidence and raising children and giving life.(24:04) I mean, leading teams, paying paychecks. (24:07) I mean, come on. (24:08) You are doing incredible things in this world.(24:12) You deserve to love and see yourself and the way you feel as well. (24:18) Because when you feel good, that is when you can really do good in this world. (24:27) Bye-bye.(24:30) Thank you for listening to the Business of Happiness podcast. (24:34) If this episode brought you new perspective and value, I invite you to subscribe so that you catch all upcoming episodes and leave us a review. (24:44) And if you know of a friend or colleague who could benefit from this perspective, share this episode with them and empower their day.(24:51) For more information about the Business of Happiness and the Radical Happiness for Practitioners course, find me on www.thebizofhappiness.com. (25:03) See you there.