Green Flags 🟩

Beyond Red Flags: Discover the 5 Green Flags of Healthy Relationships

Tired of constantly looking for what's wrong in your relationships? What if we shifted our focus to what's right? In this insightful episode of the Living Lucky® Podcast with Jason & Jana Banana, we move beyond the typical "red flags" and explore five powerful "green flags" that signal a truly healthy and supportive connection.

We delve into the subtle yet significant indicators of emotional intelligence, genuine care, and long-term potential in the people around you. Learn to recognize the profound impact of a simple question: "Do you want comfort or solutions?"

Here’s what you’ll discover:

• Comfort vs. Solutions: The Power of Asking What's Needed: Understand how emotionally intelligent people tailor their support to your actual needs.
• The Collaborative Puzzle: Solving Conflict Together, Not Winning: Learn how healthy relationships approach disagreements with a focus on understanding and resolution.
• Past Without Blame: The Green Flag of Emotional Maturity: Discover why someone who discusses their past without villainizing others signals a healthy perspective.
• Your Champion in Absence: The Ultimate Sign of Trust: Understand the profound impact of someone speaking highly of you when you're not around.
• Dream Amplifiers: Finding Those Who Make Your Wild Ideas Possible: Learn to recognize the invaluable support of those who encourage your aspirations.
• Shifting Your Focus: From Warning Signs to Welcome Signs: Discover how intentionally looking for green flags can transform your relationships and attract positivity.
• Noticing vs. Focusing: A Subtle but Powerful Distinction: Understand why acknowledging red flags is different from dwelling on them.

This episode is a refreshing guide to building stronger, more fulfilling relationships by focusing on the positive indicators that truly matter.

Ready to cultivate healthier, more supportive relationships? Tune in to the Living Lucky® Podcast and start seeing the green flags all around you!

What are green flags in relationships, How to improve communication in relationships, How to build trust in relationships, How to find supportive people in your life, How to resolve conflict in healthy ways, What are green flags in dating, How to identify healthy friendships, What are signs of a supportiv

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The 4 pillars of Living Lucky
Believe in yourself
Believe in the people around you
Believe in your circumstances and
Believe that God is working through you, for you, and always conspiring in your favor.

*Previously Recorded

Chapters

• 0:00 Green Flags vs. Red Flags
• 1:38 Comfort or Solutions: Showing Up Right
• 5:54 Solving Conflict, Not Winning It
• 7:23 Discussing Past Without Blame
• 10:48 Speaking Highly of Others
• 15:15 Making Your Crazy Ideas Feel Possible

Transcript

Jana Shelfer: 0:00

Are you ready to create a life you crave? Let's spin that doom loop of negativity into an upward success cycle and start Living Lucky®.

Jason Shelfer: 0:14

Good morning.

Jana Shelfer: 0:16

I'm Jana, I'm Jason and we are Living Lucky®. You are too.

Jana Shelfer: 0:20

You often hear people say, ooh, that's a red flag. Stay away from that Warning, warning.

Jason Shelfer: 0:28

Danger Will Robinson.

Jana Shelfer: 0:31

So let's talk about green flags. Oh, that's a green flag.

Jason Shelfer: 0:36

Yeah right, and sometimes we make up these things of why we like someone, but actually noticing some very particular things about just who they are and the way they are.

Jana Shelfer: 0:49

Yeah, it's like. I'm not sure how to pinpoint it, but there's something about that person I like.

Jason Shelfer: 0:55

Yes.

Jana Shelfer: 0:56

Well, here are some specific things that if people do these things, you can say to yourself that's a green flag.

Jason Shelfer: 1:05

Yeah, so, and one of them is is when you're having a conversation and something comes up that's a, that's one of those feelings that's kind of in that lower vibration is when they ask do you want comfort or do you want solutions? Oh, instead of just that automatic response that sometimes we get, or reaction that we sometimes get, you often do that, Like when I'm having like a little hissy fit.

Jana Shelfer: 1:27

yeah, I admit I have them.

Jason Shelfer: 1:29

every now and then I have them too.

Jana Shelfer: 1:30

I'm not immune. Jason often says do you want to be helped, held or heard right now? And that is such a good question. And this all started when we started becoming life coaches. I, specifically, would come to Jason and I would say okay, right now I need you to be a life coach. And then there were times when I would say right now, I need you just to be a husband, Right now I need you to be my friend.

Jason Shelfer: 2:02

Right now. I just need to know that you're there while I talk.

Jana Shelfer: 2:05

Yeah, right now I need you just to shut up and listen and so, like I kind of got to where I was, like I don't need you to fix things right now, and I have an instinctual I just need to vent because sometimes, as women, we don't want someone to mansplain or someone to try to fix our problems, we just want to get them out right.

Jason Shelfer: 2:29

Sometimes they just occupy space in our heads and in our thoughts, that constant thought pattern that's going on, and if we can just articulate it, or when you articulate it, then you get the clarity of maybe, what the thought is. Yes, and you can figure it out yourself.

Jana Shelfer: 2:45

And then what I realized from that. So from my own mess being my own mess, and realizing that I needed Jason to show up in different forms.

Jason Shelfer: 3:00

Capacities yes, yes.

Jana Shelfer: 3:02

And also it's not really fair for you to know how I want you to show up. I realized that.

Jason Shelfer: 3:10

That's huge.

Jana Shelfer: 3:11

Yes, I realized that early on. It's not fair for me to automatically expect you to show up in the way that I want you to show up in that moment.

Jason Shelfer: 3:21

And I shouldn't assume, though, how you want me to show up in that moment. And I shouldn't assume, though, how you want me to show up either.

Jana Shelfer: 3:26

So then, after I learned that, I realized that sometimes my friends when they're having a little meltdown, I started asking the question how do you want me to show up right now? Do you want me to show up as your friend? Do you want me to show up as a motivator? Do you want me to show up as a mindset expert? How do you want me?

Jason Shelfer: 3:52

to be right now and your friends know what we're doing. I mean, we have about 300 podcasts out right now. We've been helping people think differently helping people think differently.

Jana Shelfer: 4:05

Yeah, and sometimes I'm just going to be real, like my friend. I'll just use Lily as an example, because Lily can handle it and Lily is also in the mindset field. And yet Lily often gets sucked into her own bullshit Right, right and we all do.

Jason Shelfer: 4:20

Yeah, we all do.

Jana Shelfer: 4:21

And I know that there's been times when she can become a drama queen. She knows this as well, and yet I'll let her go into her-.

Jason Shelfer: 4:35

Story.

Jana Shelfer: 4:36

Her Lilliness Tell your story. Yes, Tell the story you're telling yourself. And then I'll say Lily, how do you want me to show up right now? And she will tell me. She says you know what? I don't want any positive bullshit right now. I don't want it.

Jason Shelfer: 4:50

I'm going to wrap this around me and just wear it for a while.

Jana Shelfer: 4:53

Right, I can't handle that right now.

Jason Shelfer: 4:56

And when people and so that's one of the big things is having the awareness around. You know what? Right now, I just want to comfort myself in the crap that's going on and be comfortable. I will get out of it when, if you're especially in the personal development world, because we all have our moments Like there's not someone out there that's not going to have a moment, and it's how long do you want the moment to last?

Jana Shelfer: 5:23

Okay, so a green flag is if somebody is aware enough to actually say Do you want comfort or solutions?

Jason Shelfer: 5:30

Or, as I'd like to say, do you want to be helped, held or heard?

Jana Shelfer: 5:33

Okay, I love that. All right, let's go on to the next green flag. Next green flag is if someone's talking through conflict like they're trying to solve it not win it, which is kind of along the same lines, but I find this in couples a lot, yes, or friends like anybody in a relationship, because Sisters, siblings, a lot of times get in this right and I'm sure brothers do too.

Jason Shelfer: 5:58

I don't have a brother, but brother, sister, siblings, just in general Family, because a lot of times we're all seeing things from our own perspective and then we want to prove our perspective, even though the other person's perspective is still right.

Jana Shelfer: 6:11

Co-workers get into this. Oh yeah, they do. Where they want to be right, they want to be politicians.

Jason Shelfer: 6:17

That's work, brother and sister. Yes, co -workers.

Jana Shelfer: 6:21

They want to be right, and so they kind of get into that. They stop listening to listen and they kind of start formulating what they're going to say next.

Jason Shelfer: 6:33

Yes.

Jana Shelfer: 6:33

Do you know what I'm saying?

Jason Shelfer: 6:34

They start formulating their argument before Some people call it a pissing match Like I want to show you I'm marking my territory, I'm planting my feet and this is where I stand on this, and a lot of times it's like well, you can stand wherever you want to on it, but until you try to understand where I'm standing, I'm not going to come stand with you. It's weird, but that is a green flag People that are looking for solutions rather than the green flag is when they're looking for solutions not when they're standing in the pissing match.

Jana Shelfer: 7:06

I just want to make that clear. Okay, let's move on. What's the third green flag? The?

Jason Shelfer: 7:10

next green flag is when someone can discuss their past without villainizing and blaming other people or other things. Oh, like they just talk about it, as this was my experience.

Jana Shelfer: 7:23

Yes.

Jason Shelfer: 7:23

You know, because, like there's a lot of times, oh, I lost, like my boss fired me, or a lot of people, a lot of people I'm around.

Jana Shelfer: 7:32

it's their ex-husbands.

Jason Shelfer: 7:34

That's yeah, Right, Right. A lot of people it goes to their or ex-wives or ex-bosses.

Jana Shelfer: 7:40

It goes to their ex-husbands or ex-bosses.

Jason Shelfer: 7:43

It's all that. This happened to me? Yes, so it's when someone can talk about their past experiences and it's less about things that happened to you or things that were caused by people to happen to you and realize how things happen for you.

Jana Shelfer: 7:59

And I've been there, I get it, we've all been there, I've been there and I know that if you listen to some of these podcasts you're going to be like oh gotcha Jana.

Jason Shelfer: 8:08

And if you're looking for that, then that goes back to trying to prove something Right. Oh yeah, that's true, trying to win. I'm going to prove her wrong, and that's not. I mean, we all go through this is something that we will all go through, and we won't always recognize our blind spots or where we're doing it, until we have someone around us that's focused on seeing it and saying, hey, is that really true? Is that the truth, or did your rejection just put you in a redirection?

Jana Shelfer: 8:39

I often find, sometimes, when I'm around now see here, when I'm around lawyers, it's hard for me to just even be around them, because I often find that it's always an argument, it becomes an argument.

Jason Shelfer: 8:56

Because they're always trying to prove multiple sides of the equation, so they know what to expect. I think with a lot of attorneys it's a control thing. Yes, and then next thing you know I just find myself no offense to you attorneys, I kind of just find myself rolling over and saying okay. Yeah Well, sometimes you have to just decide You're right. Whatever, Is it worth any type of argument Like are we? Are we because I think a lot? Some? Or the lawyers that I know, some of them.

Jana Shelfer: 9:23

We're, I mean, we're generalizing, we are generalizing, but I find myself that in my experience.

Jason Shelfer: 9:27

They just want to argue for the sake of argument. It's almost like practicing their craft.

Jana Shelfer: 9:32

I know. But here's the thing is.

Jason Shelfer: 9:33

I find myself then just kind of rolling over and playing dead, and then I think well, that's not really me being my authentic self either, but it's also you valuing your time and your conversation skills. It's saying this isn't even worth the argument for me, but it's not valuing the relationship.

Jana Shelfer: 9:55

Well, it's just who wants a relationship? With a lawyer, it's taking the easy way out and it's saying you know what?

Jason Shelfer: 10:02

I'm just going to go find something else to do. My sister and her husband are both attorneys, I know.

Jana Shelfer: 10:07

And I often find myself. You know what? I'll just leave the room.

Jason Shelfer: 10:11

I just don't feel like conflict right now. Why are we trying?

Jana Shelfer: 10:28

Why does everything have to be a conflict? Can we just doing that? Does it not have to be a such a rapid fire?

Jason Shelfer: 10:31

questions okay, what's next?

Jana Shelfer: 10:31

so a green flag is if is someone can talk about their past experiences without realizing and blaming others and just saying you know what this was, the experience, experience, it was what it was, it is what it is.

Jason Shelfer: 10:41

Yeah, and another green flag is when someone talks about you to others like you're their biggest blessing.

Jana Shelfer: 10:48

I love that and, in fact, you know, my sorority had this motto you will be my champion, I will be your champion, you will be my champion. Okay, gosh, it's champion. I will be your champion, you will be my champion.

Jana Shelfer: 10:59

Okay, gosh, it's both.

Jana Shelfer: 11:00

I forgot it's yes and yes In my absence. In your absence, I will be your champion in your absence. Yes, you will be my champion in my absence.

Jason Shelfer: 11:07

Yes.

Jana Shelfer: 11:07

And I always I I actually take note when people do that.

Jana Shelfer: 11:16

Oh yeah.

Jana Shelfer: 11:17

When people talk about other people and they talk really highly of them, I think, ooh, I like that person.

Jason Shelfer: 11:23

Right and the thought behind that is subconsciously is if they talk highly about that person they would talk highly about me, I know, and the other the converse thought of that is if someone is gossiping and talking shit about someone else then, as soon as I'm gone. That's the conversation they're having with someone else.

Jana Shelfer: 11:42

Which I hate to say this, but I know that sometimes oh I don't even want to say this out loud, I know, but sometimes I hate to say this there is something inside me that sometimes does not want to go back to my old high school.

Jason Shelfer: 12:08

Right.

Jana Shelfer: 12:10

Because, because of sixth grade because I'm afraid there's a judgmental attitude and the reason that I feel like they're going to judge me is because I've been in conversations where we were guilty. We, we, I will say we.

Jason Shelfer: 12:28

So you went to a bunco group.

Jana Shelfer: 12:30

We were guilty of judging others.

Jason Shelfer: 12:33

You went to a bridge game or a bunco group and it was just who's not here. Let's talk about them.

Jana Shelfer: 12:38

Yeah, I hate to admit that. And that's what happens, and I hate to say this, but that was. It was almost like the bonding moment.

Jason Shelfer: 12:48

You know, if you, if, this is the same thing that happens at water coolers at work. Yeah, when people talk about their complaints, talk about their gripes, talk about what's rubbing them, what's grinding against them, and then you automatically just fall in Like it's one of those things where it's like I join the conversation and without taking a full left turn, it ends up on the same gripes and complaints. Like you can use traffic as a simple example.

Jana Shelfer: 13:14

I mean, even if you stay silent, you're still being complicit.

Jason Shelfer: 13:17

Oh, that's big.

Jana Shelfer: 13:18

Right.

Jason Shelfer: 13:19

Yeah, because you're there.

Jana Shelfer: 13:20

Because you're there.

Jason Shelfer: 13:21

You're hearing it.

Jana Shelfer: 13:22

And you're not standing up saying I don't believe that this is appropriate.

Jason Shelfer: 13:27

Or just I have a different experience of that.

Jana Shelfer: 13:30

Yes.

Jason Shelfer: 13:30

And when you think differently, you will have a different experience.

Jana Shelfer: 13:33

When people say an inappropriate joke Do you know what I'm saying, guilty.

Jason Shelfer: 13:39

I mean we've all Guilty of the joke and guilty of standing there when it happens.

Jana Shelfer: 13:43

Yeah, and I mean, I hate to say it, but where's the line?

Jason Shelfer: 13:48

You don't want to be seen as the Well, no one's really a goody like a goody-goody all the time. No one's a good I mean, there are goody two-shoes and I don't want to knock people that are goody quote unquote goody two-shoes, because I want to live my life where I feel like I'm Living Lucky® and I don't need to complain about things.

Jana Shelfer: 14:09

I don't need to, because there's another side of that coin.

Jason Shelfer: 14:18

You don't want to be seen as the narc or the rat or the. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, but I could be more like an attorney and say, is is that really true or is that is it? Was that a one instance that happened? And now and you're just live you're creating that story over and over and over again for yourself when someone's having a conversation around that I don't know.

Jana Shelfer: 14:30

I mean, you don't want to be seen as the Patty Simcox.

Jason Shelfer: 14:35

Hey Patty.

Jana Shelfer: 14:36

Since we're on grease.

Jason Shelfer: 14:39

You get me though, right, I get you yeah.

Jana Shelfer: 14:41

But I hear you, I hear you.

Jason Shelfer: 14:43

Yeah, and these are just conversational, relational type things that we can look for and we can be aware of, because sometimes we're part of it and we don't even take notice of this is what's happening.

Jana Shelfer: 14:56

But I will say when someone speaks highly of other people in their absence, I will say that is definitely a green flag.

Jason Shelfer: 15:04

Yes, and the last green flag that I just want to talk about today is when someone makes your crazy ideas feel possible instead of ridiculous.

Jana Shelfer: 15:13

Oh my gosh, I love that.

Jason Shelfer: 15:14

That one hit me.

Jana Shelfer: 15:16

Yeah, I know, because you have some crazy, crazy ideas.

Jason Shelfer: 15:19

I am a dreamer and I believe all things are possible given the right resources and time. And well, time is a resource, but given time and consistent action, I think we can move mountains. One grain of sand at the time. And I do have a lot of wild ideas, but that's one of the reasons, which is one reason I love you. Well, it's one reason that corporations like me because I'm innovative and I'm like. Well, what if and what else I?

Jana Shelfer: 15:47

will say, though it is sometimes-.

Jason Shelfer: 15:49

Overwhelming.

Jana Shelfer: 15:50

Why, when you're in a group of businessmen from the outside, people look at you and I and they think that I am the one that's in the clouds, and they really think that you are. They almost look at us and they think that I'm the balloon and you're the string that's grounding me.

Jason Shelfer: 16:10

Right, which is totally opposite. They also think that I'm the organized one and I'm like the planner, which I am. I'm very meticulous when it comes to logistics. However, you are the most organized, you are more of the planner. You're the string that holds me to the ground.

Jana Shelfer: 16:29

And I am very much detail oriented.

Jason Shelfer: 16:32

Detail oriented.

Jana Shelfer: 16:33

Whereas Jason is not.

Jason Shelfer: 16:34

I'm up above the clouds going. Look how wonderful things can be.

Jana Shelfer: 16:37

And so then, when we get into a group of businessmen or left brain when I say businessmen, businesswomen, I mean left brained- the corporate decision maker types. Yes types. Yes, it's often very eye-opening when we start having brainstorming sessions and the ideas that come out of your mouth and first of all, they're usually surprised and they're usually in awe and sometimes to the point where they almost start looking at each other.

Jason Shelfer: 17:17

I feel like they start looking at each other like they can also dream again. Maybe, maybe, that's a little bit, it's one of those things where it's like we've been doing the same thing over and, over and over again.

Jana Shelfer: 17:26

We've been getting good results they also start looking at me like has he been taking cold medicine today?

Jason Shelfer: 17:39

Is he on his meds or is he completely off his meds?

Jana Shelfer: 17:48

I know the last time I remember this feeling is we were talking about fundraising ideas and you started coming up with some crazy fundraising ideas and I just remember the CEO of Chair the Love started almost kicking me under the table, going like he just was dumbfounded. I thought they were pretty good ideas.

Jason Shelfer: 18:07

And I actually got a call from the logistical person of Chair the Love that said those ideas were absolutely incredible. We need someone to implement them. I said, not your guy.

Jana Shelfer: 18:19

Yeah.

Jana Shelfer: 18:20

I mean, I can, you're definitely not the I can walk you through like I can.

Jason Shelfer: 18:23

I can help help your integrator go through steps of what would make it successful, but I don't want to spend my time on that Like that's like it successful, but I don't want to spend my time on that.

Jana Shelfer: 18:37

That's just not my thing I can help the person develop the plan.

Jason Shelfer: 18:38

I don't have the time because of all the other things that I want to do in life.

Jana Shelfer: 18:41

I know you don't.

Jason Shelfer: 18:43

I know, and so I'm not going to put my energy into detailing this out for you, but I was surprised to get the call after the the ceo, I know I was like what's good, what he's?

Jana Shelfer: 18:56

like no, he literally was making me feel almost like I needed to rein you in.

Jason Shelfer: 19:02

That's right, let's not get crazy, yeah I'm like we're, only we're.

Jana Shelfer: 19:07

We're a couple years old now you gotta love him for, for all of him thank you yeah you talk well about.

Jason Shelfer: 19:14

You're my champion, I am. I'll be your champion in your absence and in my presence. That's what I am, anyway.

Jana Shelfer: 19:20

So let's look for green flags. That's what today is all about, and when we start looking for green flags, we will start seeing more green flags.

Jason Shelfer: 19:27

Yeah, and there's one thing about this is someone's going to call up or text us or send us an email that says but you have to be aware of the red flags, and that's true. Noticing red flags is different than focusing on red flags. So make sure that you are focused on what's good and you're going to find more of what's good. You don't have to ignore red flags. We're not telling you that. But just that's a noticing, not a focusing.

Jana Shelfer: 19:54

I love that. I love that, I love that. Thanks for joining us.

Jason Shelfer: 19:57

Keep Living Lucky®.

Jana Shelfer: 19:58

Bye-bye. If the idea of Living Lucky® appeals to you, visit us at www. LivingLucky. com.