"Man Up"- Men & Emotions

Redefining "Man Up": Unlocking Emotional Vulnerability for Deeper Connection (Living Lucky® Podcast)

What if "manning up" actually meant embracing your full emotional spectrum? In honor of Men's Mental Health Awareness Month, Jason and Jana Banana dive into a raw, honest conversation about the hidden challenges men face with emotional expression and how societal expectations limit true connection.

We expose the limiting belief behind phrases like "man up" and how it forces men to reduce their emotional vocabulary to just "mad, bad, sad, and glad." Discover why fear is often disguised as anger or numbed through unhealthy coping mechanisms, and why acknowledging fear is actually the ultimate act of courage.

Prepare for a profound shift in perspective: vulnerability isn't weakness; it's the bridge to deepest intimacy. We share personal insights on how authentic emotional sharing, though initially uncomfortable, can exponentially strengthen relationships with yourself and others. Learn why "if you can't name it, you can't tame it," and how tools like the Emotion Wheel can unlock precise emotional literacy, transforming confusing feelings into clear understanding.

Here’s what you’ll discover:

• The "Man Up" Myth: How traditional expectations limit emotional expression.
• Beyond Mad, Bad, Sad, Glad: Expanding your emotional vocabulary for clarity.
• Fear's Disguises: Unpacking why fear often appears as anger or numbness.
• Vulnerability as Strength: Building deeper connections through authentic sharing.
• The Emotion Wheel: A powerful tool for precise emotional identification.
• Breaking Emotional Patterns: Understanding and disrupting cycles of suppression.
• Compassion & Connection: The transformative power of emotional literacy.

Key Nuggets: "Man up" is limiting. Expand emotions. Fear disguises. Vulnerability strengthens. Name to tame. Break patterns. Curiosity fosters connection.

Why do men struggle with emotional expression? How to become more emotionally vulnerable in relationships? How to build deeper intimacy with a partner? Benefits of emotional literacy for men. What are common mental health challenges for men? How can men express their feelings better? What is the Emotion Wheel for feelings? Does vulnerability make men more attractive? How to stop hiding emotions as a man? Why is emotional intimacy imp

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*Previously Recorded

Chapters

• 0:00 What is Mental Health Month for Men?
• 1:57 Breaking Through the Emotional Shell
• 4:47 The Limiting Belief of "Manning Up"
• 6:56 Fear Disguised as Other Emotions
• 9:38 If You Can Name It, You Can Tame It
• 12:01 Creating Safe Spaces for Vulnerability
• 16:20 Redefining "Man Up" and Final Thoughts

Transcript

What is Mental Health Month for Men?

Jana Shelfer 0:00

Are you ready to create a life you crave? Let's spin that doom loop of negativity into an upward success cycle and start Living Lucky®. Good morning. I'm Jana, I'm Jason and we are Living Lucky®. You are too.

Jana Shelfer 0:20

June is Mental Health Awareness Month for men. What we get our own Mental Health.

Jason Shelfer 0:24

Month Month for men, what we get. Our own Mental Health Month, yes.

Jana Shelfer 0:27

I love it. You're special that makes me feel good.

Jana Shelfer 0:32

What are the challenges specifically to men?

Jason Shelfer 0:36

We don't have any challenges. What are you talking about?

Jana Shelfer 0:38

Oh, I can think of a ton.

Jason Shelfer 0:41

I feel One of the challenges is we don't get to talk about our challenges.

Jana Shelfer 0:46

And why is that though? Because, because that's a limiting. That is a limiting you just said we don't get to talk about our challenges.

Jason Shelfer 0:52

That's it, that's, and that's the point I was trying to make, in fact women invite it all the time.

Jana Shelfer 0:58

We would love it if you would be more vulnerable with us.

Jason Shelfer 1:02

That's true, and that's one of the things If you would be more vulnerable with us, that's true, and that's one of the things and one of the things we will recognize when you talk about that. It makes me think of, like, when couples go through a hard time together. A lot of times it's that breakup moment that we both break down right. We start crying together, we start talking about all the things that scare us, all the things that made me sad, made me hurt, and then we get very close and have makeup sex.

Jana Shelfer 1:30

Yes, because we feel intimate Now. We've connected Because now I feel like there's been a breakthrough.

Jason Shelfer 1:39

Yes, now we've connected.

Jana Shelfer 1:41

It's almost like you get to the shell of that soul.

Breaking Through the Emotional Shell

Jason Shelfer 1:45

Now we understand each other Because before I've been putting up this armor and this, I can get through it all. And I'm like, I'm all this resistance and all this tension because I'm fighting through, I'm manning up.

Jana Shelfer 2:00

Okay, so let's stop right there. You just said the phrase man up, and that is such a limiting belief, because I do feel we instill this definition of what it means to be a man?

Jason Shelfer 2:18

Yes, and in that phrase man up, that means don't cry, get up express any emotions suck it up get the job done regardless of any cost do what you've got to do provide provide protect all the things like all this. Be the man. All this toxic masculinity. Now, Now I understand. There's this.

Jana Shelfer 2:47

Now, why have we as a society? We are creating this ourselves.

Jason Shelfer 2:53

We are we create this persona. Almost every prison that we build for ourselves, whether emotional or structural, is self-imposed.

Jana Shelfer 3:03

But I don't think that men have. I don't think little boys create this. We create this for them.

Jason Shelfer 3:12

Well, but also as little boys we are seeing it and we are seeking approval. So if we are crying as little boys and we see our dad say, hey, man up, put some dirt on it and get back out there, then we learn it's not OK to be sad, it's not OK to to cry or be hurt. There's a job to be done and we need to get back on the field.

Jana Shelfer 3:38

Here's the thing when you really are the sexiest and the manliest to me is when you are sharing those vulnerabilities.

Jason Shelfer 3:53

So I think part of the equation that we're missing, especially with the kids, is going back and revisiting those moments.

Jana Shelfer 4:00

Yeah, so how.

Jason Shelfer 4:02

Hey, what were you experiencing in that moment? I realize you hurt yourself, I realize that you missed a play or the game was lost. What were you feeling in that moment and what did you learn from it? So we missed that part of it. Because what we need to do is recognize our feelings and say, okay, what did it teach us? Okay, what could we have done better, could we have practiced more, could we have prepared a little bit differently, like what are the things we might have done differently and how might we be more effective in the future? But we don't go back and we we don't go back and revisit any of those things and say, um, what were the feelings I was feeling at the time?

Jason Shelfer 4:41

It was like shake it off.

The Limiting Belief of "Manning Up"

Jana Shelfer 4:43

Yeah, get out there and get the job done. It's almost like, as a society, we teach the masculine gender to not talk about their feelings.

Jason Shelfer 4:57

Which helps us forget our feelings.

Jana Shelfer 5:00

And not be in touch with them.

Jason Shelfer 5:01

Right. So then later in life we get down to these three or four feelings that we now know which are anger.

Jana Shelfer 5:08

No, it's mad, bad, sad and glad yeah.

Jason Shelfer 5:12

So because they're easy to remember, they rhyme right.

Jana Shelfer 5:15

I know.

Jason Shelfer 5:17

And then we change them to pissed off, you know.

Jana Shelfer 5:20

Yeah, there's variations of mad. Yeah, you know, I'm livid, I'm angry.

Jason Shelfer 5:25

But what you didn't hear in there is fear.

Jana Shelfer 5:28

Yeah, no, no, no, no no.

Jason Shelfer 5:29

Because we're not going to admit that we're scared of something, because the alpha male is the lion. Yeah, we're not scared of things, we're courageous, yes, so we don't talk about the fear, we talk about the courage. So it's experiencing that and saying, okay, well, why was I angry? But in order to have courage, you have to recognize the fear.

Jana Shelfer 5:55

You have to recognize your fear.

Jason Shelfer 5:57

Yeah and that's, and a lot of times like what I didn't realize was I was trying to understand my anger, like when I went through a time where there was a lot of things. There were a lot of things that made me angry and I didn't realize that I wasn't angry. I was scared of things. I was scared of not being in control, I was scared of uncertainty, but it made me like I chose anger instead of dealing with the fear.

Jana Shelfer 6:26

Yes, I well. I think I think a lot of people do that. And you say that you place fear with anger. I think a lot of people replace fear with other emotions. I know I sometimes replace fear with depression and sadness, and then a lot of times we'll medicate for that sadness. You know, yeah, so, and then a lot of times we'll, we'll, medicate for that you know that's what we've like.

Fear Disguised as Other Emotions

Jason Shelfer 6:54

We'll either numb out on the couch we will try to escape the life that we're living, we'll we'll have a drink or so after we become either alcoholics or shopaholics, or we overeat you know, we eat our feelings.

Jana Shelfer 7:07

We have all these these different ways of trying to express or feel the feelings and yet sometimes we just talking. Talking about them is really the best way.

Jason Shelfer 7:23

And knowing what they are. I think one of the biggest things that helped me was the emotion wheel and seeing the list of all the different feelings.

Jana Shelfer 7:33

Because I know I went through a time period where I literally would say to you out loud I'm feeling something and I don't know what it is.

Jason Shelfer 7:42

You're right.

Jana Shelfer 7:43

I don't know what it is, because sometimes it's not just one feeling, it's almost like a mixture of feelings that sometimes conflict each other in a weird sort of way.

Jason Shelfer 8:00

Yeah, and if you're not familiar with what you're feeling, like, if you're in the names of it, like if you're not familiar with the naming of the feelings because we've been out of practice for so long, we've been ignoring this language for so long, then you're not going to be able to pick those feelings out and say, okay, I don't know what that is, and if you can't name it, you definitely can't tame it.

Jana Shelfer 8:23

So it's almost like Did you just make that up, because that was pretty profound.

Jason Shelfer 8:28

I've used it a couple of times in coaching sessions, because I believe that when you, words are powerful. And if you're using the wrong words, you're going to create the wrong story.

Jana Shelfer 8:39

Yes. And so once we get the right name to the right feeling, yes, because if you, if you in your mind, think that you're just an angry person, Right in your mind, think that you're just an angry person, right. And if you really unpeel that feeling and you realize wait a minute it's not necessarily that I'm angry, or maybe there's anger in there, but the real underlying emotion is that I'm scared I'm scared to be different.

Jason Shelfer 9:08

I'm scared of failing because I can fix the anger. But what if I fix the anger and then I go to what you had was sad or depressed, right?

If You Can Name It, You Can Tame It

Jason Shelfer 9:16

Which is where I underneath it was all fear, all scared, being scared of something, yes. So if I just named it correctly at the beginning, then I could have said, okay, what is scaring me right now, what's making me feel afraid? And then I get I've named it, now I can tame it, and now I don't land on one of these other emotions. That's just above the fear.

Jana Shelfer 9:39

Which is what causes these patterns that tend to repeat themselves over and, over and over, which is why, a lot of times, we get to a point in our life where we're like, oh my gosh, it doesn't matter what I do or who I come to contact with, I tend to repeat these same emotional patterns.

Jason Shelfer 9:56

And if the emotional talk isn't making sense, think about eating something and it's got a spice in it that you just can't figure out what that spice is. But if you had a list of the spices that, you could choose from, then you would be able to see it.

Jason Shelfer 10:14

You could choose from, then you would be able to see it. So that's what, when I saw this list of the emotional wheel and all the different emotions that could be there, I was able to say, oh, I feel, I can, I can taste a little bit of that in there.

Jana Shelfer 10:22

I can feel a little bit of this in here, and then you provided space for curiosity and to, and to say it out loud yeah, yeah.

Jason Shelfer 10:33

So when I said it out loud I could really start to, because that's putting words to it Instead of keeping it up in my head where it turns into, like this word soup.

Jana Shelfer 10:42

Yes.

Jason Shelfer 10:43

Where it doesn't get fluid and doesn't get articulated, and it creates a little extra clarity when you put it on paper or out into a sentence, because it has to be formulated Right, it can't just be jumbled. Yes and that. So creating new clarity around things is having a conversation, like what we do with the podcast. It's just having a conversation. It's just having a conversation and then also that builds a bridge between us because it helps us understand oh, now I understand where that person's coming from, what they might be feeling.

Jana Shelfer 11:19

Okay, so now let's go to. Why don't people start having these conversations? And I'll tell you why. Because when we first started having some of these deeper conversations, they can easily turn into almost like magnets that have turned the opposite way, and start repelling. Start repelling, or it can easily turn into something that is very uncomfortable for both people. And you think this is not the person that I know.

Jason Shelfer 12:03

Because what? So? What happens there is is then we stop. Sometimes what happens is is when a couple starts doing this by themselves, yes, they will start saying I didn't know, you felt that way because we haven't had these conversations in so long. Right, so we have. We've. We've gone on for 10 years, we've gone on for 15 years, seven years, how, whatever the timeframe is, we've never had these conversations about how we felt. Now I feel I'm being attacked, I feel like I'm getting defensive, and then we don't talk about that. And it's really nothing about the other person. It's just about how someone is feeling and recognizing that they are developing this new language of expressing it, because it's new for them to express it.

Jana Shelfer 12:52

And as soon as you start expressing that, then again there can be almost defensive mechanisms that pop up. Well, why haven't you expressed?

Jason Shelfer 13:04

your feelings.

Jana Shelfer 13:05

Do I not make you feel safe, like almost I'm offended that you don't trust me with this delicate part of your heart?

Jason Shelfer 13:16

And so then I'm going to just say, one of the biggest hurdles, I think, for men in getting there is we. One of the big things about telling our spouses the things that scare us, the things that that hurt our, like that hurt us or that we're embarrassed of all these little things on our lower spectrum of emotions is that we want to be the lion, we want to be the king of the jungle, and we also feel like our queen isn't going to want to sleep with or have sex with the scared lion in the pack. Does that make sense?

Jana Shelfer 13:57

Yes, but that's a story you're telling yourself. It's a story we're telling ourselves.

Jason Shelfer 14:02

It is so we need to make sure we have that safe space in our relationships so that we can have these conversations, because I would say our relationship has grown exponentially from these conversations.

Jana Shelfer 14:20

True, okay, so back to men sharing their feelings. How do you suggest?

Jason Shelfer 14:30

starting that. You start it by understanding the language, like learning different new emotions, like the names of them, so get the emotion.

Jana Shelfer 14:42

Yes, it's not just bad, sad, glad and mad. There's more feelings that are underneath there.

Jason Shelfer 14:50

There's thousands of names for feelings and emotions. There's a great tool that you can Google. It's called the Emotion Wheel Names of Emotions. So Google that, get the list of emotional, the Emotion Wheel, and it'll separate those into like four categories the ones that are like great, good, mediocre and bad.

Jana Shelfer 15:12

And maybe as a society, as a culture, we need to reframe the phrase man up. Maybe man up means let's talk about our feelings.

Jason Shelfer 15:24

Like be a full person. Yes, not the tip of the spear, but a full person.

Jana Shelfer 15:31

And the more you can talk about your feelings, then you start to understand compassion and you start to connect on a deeper level. Other people start realizing okay, wait a minute, there's more. There's more to this person.

Jason Shelfer 15:47

Yes, not just a provider, but someone that's a lover of life, lover of all of themselves and the people around them.

Redefining "Man Up" and Final Thoughts

Jana Shelfer 15:55

That's very reflective. I hope that this helps someone that is hearing it and if you feel that maybe your spouse, maybe your brother, maybe your dad, maybe someone in your sphere, maybe your son, might want to listen to this and know that it's cool. It is cool I mean, I sound like Nancy Reagan yes, you know what I'm saying but it's cool to share your feelings.

Jason Shelfer 16:24

Say yes to your emotions.

Jana Shelfer 16:25

It's sexy. I think it is extremely sexy when you can actually tell me what it is that you're really thinking and feeling, and it's so much knowledge for me, as long as I don't become judgmental or offended by it.

Jason Shelfer 16:42

Yes, 100%.

Jana Shelfer 16:43

As long as I can accept it, and say oh that's so interesting. Come at it with curiosity so that he feels that you feel safe to share again.

Jason Shelfer 16:53

I feel safe, validated, and then I also get rewarded for it, which is just powerful.

Jana Shelfer 16:58

Rewarded in so many ways. Hello. Bounchicka bow wow, thanks for joining us. Keep Living Lucky®.

Jana Shelfer 17:06

Bye, bye. If the idea of Living Lucky® appeals to you, visit us at www. LivingLucky. com.