Are You Living Your Truth or Someone Else's Expectations?

Are You Living Your Truth or Someone Else's Expectations? (Living Lucky® Podcast)

Have you ever felt afraid to simply be yourself? In this deeply vulnerable and insightful Living Lucky® Podcastepisode, Jason and Jana Banana tackle the uncomfortable truth about why we often hide parts of ourselves to fit in, and how to reclaim your personal freedom.

This episode is a masterclass in personal development and self-help, packed with powerful "nuggets of wisdom" to help you:

• Unpack Your Vices: Explore why we seek to numb our feelings with things like alcohol, comfort food, or shopping. Understand that the real problem is often a deep-seated fear of simply feeling your feelings.
• Break Free from Labels: Hear Jana's raw story of the unexpected judgment she faced from both sides of the sobervs. drinker divide. Discover how labeling yourself creates expectations that limit your ability to evolve.
• The "Let Them, Let Me" Tool: Learn from Mel Robbins' powerful concept of giving yourself a "permission slip" to evolve. The key to authentic living isn't about avoiding judgment, but developing the courage to be yourself despite it.
• External vs. Internal Judgment: Uncover the startling truth that the judgment you fear from others often stems from your own critical inner voice. Recognizing this limiting belief is your first step toward true freedom.
• The Courage to Change: Realize that it's okay to evolve, change your mind, and take a "left turn" in life. This episode is a call to be brave, embrace your vulnerability, and ride on your own line, regardless of the "rub of non-acceptance."

Are you ready to stop living for others and start living your truth? Could you embrace a more authentic, courageous, and joyful life? Tune in and start Living Lucky®!

How to be your authentic self. Overcoming fear of judgment. The courage to change your mind. Why we hide parts of ourselves. The emotional intelligence of feeling your feelings. Navigating social pressure and expectations. The role of alcohol in numbing feelings. Learning self-acceptance and giving yourself permission. Mel Robbins 'Let Them' tool explained. How can I be more authentic? How do I stop fearing what others think of me? What are self-imposed l

Transcript

Breaking the negativity doom loop

Jana Shelfer 0:00

Are you ready to create a life you crave? Let's spin that doom loop of negativity into an upward success cycle and start Living Lucky®.

Jason Shelfer 0:14

Good morning.

Jana Shelfer 0:15

I'm Jana, I'm Jason and we are Living Lucky®. You are too. I've gotten myself in a pickle. Oh, I like pickles.

Jana Shelfer 0:25

It's kind of a big deal.

Jason Shelfer 0:29

I see what you did there.

Jana Shelfer 0:30

So I stopped drinking alcohol for many, many years, and the reason I did it was I did not really like being me and I felt like I would come home and I would have a glass of wine to kind of numb out.

Jason Shelfer 0:45

I was in the same boat, I would have a glass of bourbon.

Jana Shelfer 0:49

Really yeah remember. Yeah, but you weren't real open about it. It wasn't like every day. Oh no, I hid it.

Jason Shelfer 0:56

I only drank it in the closet. No, I'm just kidding.

Jana Shelfer 0:58

Stop, I was going to say Because I would be very open about it.

Jason Shelfer 1:03

I'd be like I need my glass of wine so you would get home after me.

Jana Shelfer 1:06

Sometimes a wine and a lorazepam.

Jason Shelfer 1:09

And I would. So I would like to come home, go out on like do my bourbon on the rocks or on one of those big round rocks and sit out by the pool and just kind of I called it unwinding Okay, and really what it was was trying to forget what happened during the day.

Jana Shelfer 1:28

Well, that's why most people have some sort of vice, whether it is alcohol or sometimes it's comfort food.

Jason Shelfer 1:36

Or shopping.

Jana Shelfer 1:37

Or shopping. I'm going to go shop, that'll make me feel better, therapy shopping. And it's very funny because I was talking to my friend Leah and she was like. You know, sometimes I just don't like being me, that's literally. She came down and she said it out loud.

Jason Shelfer 1:52

That's great awareness.

Jana Shelfer 1:53

You know what that's? Everyone's problem is that some we get to a point in our life where I just don't want to be me anymore. I don't want to deal with all these thoughts and these emotions that keep going through my head, and I'm tired of having the same ones.

Jason Shelfer 2:06

Yeah, that's so insightful because and in my mind, because I'm a visual person I'm picturing a person on top of this large round ball and they're trying to navigate, not falling off the top of the ball.

Why we choose to numb out

Jana Shelfer 2:20

Yeah. Yeah, it's like a circus trick, stopped drinking alcohol. What that did to for me for me is I stopped going to social situations because I just found it wasn't as fun and I started attracting a lot of friends who also do not drink alcohol and I've just decided I don't. I'm not having nearly as much fun. Yeah, I feel not putting down people who don't drink alcohol, but it is a different vibe and it can be fun, don't get me wrong, but I just don't want to experience that all the time.

Jason Shelfer 3:16

Right, yeah, like I a lot of times won't drink alcohol, like I'll pick and choose, just like you pick and choose, and some like in a lot. I don't even know where I'm going with this, but there is a difference between a the me drinking alcohol and the me not drinking alcohol.

Jana Shelfer 3:39

Oh yeah, there's a huge difference.

Jason Shelfer 3:41

We just went to the poker tournament.

Jana Shelfer 3:42

There's almost a huge difference in being your date as well, if that makes sense, yeah, and here's the thing is. I don't want to label myself as I am this or I am this.

Jason Shelfer 3:58

Right.

Jana Shelfer 3:59

I just want to make my. You know if I want to go out to dinner and have a martini or a beer then I want to do that with no judgment. And the problem that I'm facing now is that, because I did make a stand for a while I mean, when I stopped drinking it was oh my God, are you pregnant?

Jason Shelfer 4:26

What's wrong, are you?

Jana Shelfer 4:27

an alcoholic, why aren't you drinking? And I would actually fake drinking, remember. I would say oh yeah. I've got vodka in my.

Jason Shelfer 4:35

Yeti cup. I've already made my drink.

Jana Shelfer 4:37

And I really just had iced tea. And then I could see oh my gosh, people are getting crazy and silly and I don't know. There may have been a little bit of judgment in my head, but the the reason I was doing it for me was I needed to feel my feelings at that time yep, but now I've decided that there's a bunch of stiffs like they're there and I hate to say that Like why? Well, it's a why do I feel that way?

The social dynamics of not drinking

Jason Shelfer 5:09

So I don't know if it's a bunch of stiffs, but what I've noticed is because you mentioned it earlier about the so there's judgment on both sides of that line, right? And so if you're around people that are drinking and you are not, you are judged. Yes, if you're around people which now we've made a friend group of people who really don't drink, now they may or may not on occasion. Most of them just don't drink.

Jana Shelfer 5:35

Right.

Jason Shelfer 5:36

So when we decide hey, you know what, it's martini time, it's martini time. Or it's margarita time, that's right Like we go to a Mexican restaurant once every six months.

Jana Shelfer 5:46

I want a margarita.

Jason Shelfer 5:47

I want to feel like I was back in Mexico, back in Cancun.

Jana Shelfer 5:50

That's what I want.

Jason Shelfer 5:52

So I'm going to have a margarita, and then now there's judgment on that side of the line. So a lot of times we're just not letting ourselves be and people aren't letting us be.

Jana Shelfer 6:01

Is there judgment or are we judging ourselves? We're creating this judgment inside us.

Jason Shelfer 6:06

Well, I so, when we've been out.

Jana Shelfer 6:09

Yeah.

Jason Shelfer 6:09

I've noticed the look on faces, so this is where we get all of our information.

Jana Shelfer 6:15

Tell me more. Ok, what have you noticed?

Jason Shelfer 6:18

Well, you look at, oh, you're going to have a drink. You know, it's like that the slight head cock, the, the, the quizzical look like. Did I just hear that person order a drink? Did I just hear Jason order a margarita? They don't drink.

Jana Shelfer 6:33

Have you been noticing that?

Jason Shelfer 6:34

So I do, I see it, so we can pick up these little it's with our church friends.

Jana Shelfer 6:38

That's what it is we can pick up these little micro expressions. They don't have to say it out loud, but it like oh so, I didn't know this about you. Like if I go to life group and I want to just bring a bottle of vodka with me right. Pull out my flask at a girl. That's gonna go over like a fart in church.

Jason Shelfer 7:00

Are you with me? Oh yeah, well there's. I think there's appropriate places to to have a drink like go to Life Group a Latcha Vodka bottle. Like I can't go through this without a hottie toddy.

Jana Shelfer 7:11

Praise.

Jason Shelfer 7:12

Jesus.

Jana Shelfer 7:16

Let's all bow our heads.

Jason Shelfer 7:17

Oh wait, jason's passed out, there's no way I'm going to be able to put up with you guys for the next hour without a couple of drinks.

Jana Shelfer 7:24

No, it's so weird that I'm going through this right now, but what I have noticed is so I literally stopped drinking. We threw out all of our alcohol. I mean, I made it very public Like, yeah, I'm not drinking, I'm not drinking anymore, and it was great going through that. However, I have realized I enjoy having a nice cocktail. In fact, I think it is really fun to go to a whiskey tasting or a, do you know? What I'm saying, or go to a Napa wine country.

Judgment from both sides

Jason Shelfer 8:03

And I think that was so fun. And I think this is where it's like things in moderation, like there was. So we were going like I was having a drink every day and it was so the drink became a tool for me. I mean, if I look back, it is true that it became part of a habit. Yes, and that was. I don't. I don't want drinking to be my habit. That's one thing I don't want. So now we're in a spot where we have a drink every now and then when we want. It's not a oh my gosh. It's six o'clock, seven o'clock. I'm home from work. I want to kick my shoes off and have my drink.

Jana Shelfer 8:43

Yeah.

Jason Shelfer 8:43

You know, like I didn't recognize that, I'd kind of grown into this doingness, that was just part of my routine. So every night I came home I wanted to fix my one bourbon drink and then I was like, oh well, it's not a habit, I'm going to switch bourbons. That's the change I'll make. I'll try different bourbons. So now it's not quote unquote routine.

Jana Shelfer 9:11

Okay, so recently, like this, within the last two days, some friends of ours who do not drink they are very do not drink people, they're Mormons?

Jason Shelfer 9:23

They're not Mormons.

Jana Shelfer 9:25

Stop, you're going to get us.

Jason Shelfer 9:26

We're going to get us canceled.

Jana Shelfer 9:27

I'm sorry, we need to like delete that All right. Anyway. So they've become our friends and they wanted to get together this week. So I suggested what do you have in mind? Would you like to do a nice restaurant? Would you like to do fire pit? Maybe check out some of these speakeasies that I've been hearing about. And then in the next, like after a couple text chains. Then I said you know, I hear Pilar's here in Winter Garden is like the place to be on Tuesday nights it's award winning.

Jana Shelfer 10:01

And the reason I said that was because they have karaoke and I was like, oh, that could be really fun, right.

Jason Shelfer 10:06

Especially for a non drinker.

Jana Shelfer 10:09

I love to sing I mean, I could feel the judgment coming through like who farted literally was like who farted in the elevator? That's not my scene and I'm actually like I don't even know why you suggested that who?

Jason Shelfer 10:24

are these? Who are these people? Do they not know me?

Jana Shelfer 10:26

Nobody in this group. Are those people you're talking about and I'm like? But I am Because I would love to go to Pilar's and sing karaoke. I would love to.

Jason Shelfer 10:37

We will be going to Pilar's and singing karaoke.

Finding moderation and personal balance

Jana Shelfer 10:39

Yes, yes so. I guess what I'm trying to say Change what makes you happy and don't let the judgment of other people bother you, but here's the thing is they're not judging. I'm judging myself.

Jason Shelfer 10:50

Are you?

Jana Shelfer 10:51

And literally, I think what they're saying is you know what, If you want to be that way, Jana, then you're not our people.

Jason Shelfer 10:57

You're not my or go, do that your day, and then we'll have you on a different day.

Jana Shelfer 11:03

Were they saying that?

Jason Shelfer 11:07

I, you on a different day. Were they saying that? I don't know, I don't know. That's the thing is. A lot of times we don't tell the whole truth, we don't tell the whole story when we're communicating.

Jana Shelfer 11:12

So I think you know they. Jason always tells me the problem is not what you think it is, the problem is a couple layers under that. I think the problem is sometimes, I'm afraid to be me.

Jason Shelfer 11:29

Yeah, I think a lot of times. I think we all have these little areas of pockets of where we're afraid to be ourselves, uh-huh, because it's easier, so it's easier to not go against the grain.

Jana Shelfer 11:41

Yes.

Jason Shelfer 11:42

It's easier to not have the rub of non-acceptance. Does that make sense? It's like, kind of like the sandpaper doesn't accept rough wood, so it's easier to just not get out the sandpaper, to not have that grit between two parties, two parties. So it's just like, how do we get the courage to just be ourselves, wherever we are, whenever we are, and say this is what I love to do, this is what I'm passionate about, and I'm just, I'm going to ride on my line, and it's also okay to evolve and change.

Jana Shelfer 12:26

I think there's another part of this whole equation is that, yeah, at the time that I stopped drinking, that was something I needed to do for me.

Jason Shelfer 12:38

That's huge the ability to say this is my life, I'm making a left turn, dang it Right. I want to make a left turn, I'm going to see what's down this road, I'm okay with it. You all need to be okay with it too. That's huge and just say you know what, I'll figure it out. I'm not alone, but if I need to go travel, it alone I will.

Jana Shelfer 13:08

You know, we recently read and listened, because that's our thing now. We not only read books, but we listen to them as we're reading them and I'm like, oh my gosh, we've just now paid instead of $20 for a book.

Jason Shelfer 13:17

Now we're paying $40. We're buying your audio and your physical copy.

Jana Shelfer 13:23

But we recently listened to the book Let them by Mel Robbins and the second portion to that equation of the let them tool is let me. And sometimes I feel like I almost need to write myself a permission slip. I notice it whenever I'm kind of, I want to say naughty. Sometimes, when I'm a little naughty, like when I want to use curse words or drink alcohol, Do a little crack. Oh no, I don't. I'm sorry, but I will bring in the judgment there. You just pointed out where my line is.

Jason Shelfer 14:16

There you go.

Jana Shelfer 14:17

We all have a line right.

Jason Shelfer 14:23

That cracked me up.

Jana Shelfer 14:25

Stop.

Jason Shelfer 14:26

Crack is whack.

Jana Shelfer 14:28

That's what Whitney Houston says that's right. Oh, my gosh Okay.

Jason Shelfer 14:31

Just say no.

Jana Shelfer 14:33

So let yourself be you, let yourself be you. And there is something about managing the thoughts and feelings that are always happening within, and sometimes they are very conflicting and it can be very tough to navigate.

Jason Shelfer 14:51

Well, I think it's so important because when you said you quit drinking because you wanted to feel the feelings.

Jana Shelfer 14:57

Yeah.

Jason Shelfer 14:58

So if you're not at a point where you're willing to explore your feelings like you need to, if you're going to be you, you need to be fully you and be able to understand your feelings, like grab them, explore them, be curious about them, say what is this teaching me, what is this wanting from me, or what, how is this helping me? Because if we're just out there going willy nilly crazy and not exploring those feelings, we're going to go off the rails.

Jana Shelfer 15:27

I like that. I'm going to end there. Thank you so much for joining us.

Jason Shelfer 15:31

Keep Living Lucky®.

Jana Shelfer 15:32

Woo. If the idea of Living Lucky® appeals to you, visit us at www. LivingLucky. com.