Living Lucky® Podcast with Jason and Jana Banana

The Secret to Relationship Success

• Jana and Jason Shelfer • Season 9 • Episode 5

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The Secret to Relationship Success: Change Yourself for the Both of You (Living Lucky® Podcast)

Tired of trying to fix your partner? Our most-asked question isn't about our brand—it's about our relationship. The secret isn't finding the perfect person, but becoming a better person for your partner.

In this transformative Living Lucky® Podcast episode, we reveal the core philosophy that helps us thrive: "Change myself for us." This is a self-help masterclass for anyone who wants to break blame cycles and build a truly connected relationship.

Inside, you'll learn to:

  • Stop Trying to Fix: Discover why focusing on your partner's flaws is a dead end. When you change, the relationship changes with you.
  • Pause Negative Narratives: Learn to recognize and stop the "unexpressed expectations" you build in your head.
  • Practice Awareness & Curiosity: Our simple 3-step process—Pause, Get Curious, Love—will transform your communication.
  • Grow Through Adventure: See how shared activities like ballroom dancing can strengthen your bond and communication skills.
  • Defeat the "Rightness" Trap: We share a vulnerable story about letting go of blame to create real collaboration.

Ready to stop the blame game and take control of your love story? This episode is your guide to building a truly lucky relationship from the inside out.

  • How to improve a relationship.
  • The secret to a happy marriage.
  • How to stop blaming your partner.
  • How to communicate with your partner.
  • What is the "change myself for us" philosophy?
  • How to increase emotional intelligence in a relationship.
  • Overcoming relationship challenges.
  • The importance of personal growth in a relationship.
  • How to build a strong connection with your partner.
  • "How to get a good relationship?"
  • "What is the key to a successful relationship?"
  • "How do I become a better partner?"
  • "How do you stop blaming your spouse?"
  • "What is the "lens of love" in a relationship?"
  • "How does personal growth affect a relationship?"
  • "How to improve communication with a partner?"

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The 4 pillars of Living Lucky
Believe in yourself
Believe in the people around you
Believe in your circumstances and
Believe that God is working through you, for you, and always conspiring in your favor.

*Previously Recorded

Jana Shelfer:

Are you ready to create a life you crave? Let's spin that doom loop of negativity into an upward success cycle and start Living Lucky®. Good morning, I'm Jana, I'm Jason and we are Living Lucky®. You are, too, we're talking about relationships today.

Jason Shelfer:

Oh yeah.

Jana Shelfer:

Whenever Jason and I go and speak and we can be speaking about anything we can be speaking about dreams, or believing in yourself, or becoming your authentic you, or communicating with the universe.

Jason Shelfer:

We could just be emceeing an event.

Jana Shelfer:

We could just be emceeing event and the number one question that we get when we come off that stage is how do I get a relationship like you guys? Yep, that's the number one question. How can I form a?

Jason Shelfer:

relationship. I don't remember an event where we didn't get that question.

Jana Shelfer:

And I'm going to tell you the simple answer. It is help yourself before you try to help the other person. If you want to change anything about your relationship, change yourself. It's all within you.

Jason Shelfer:

Yeah, it's asking yourself how do I become a better person for my partner?

Jana Shelfer:

Yes, and I feel like that is such a strange concept, because we get into this bond with someone and when they have some sort of problem or challenge or anything obstacle that they're going through, our natural instinct is to help them.

Jason Shelfer:

It's either to help them or to fix the problem for them, or fix them for the problem.

Jana Shelfer:

Yes, and especially when that problem is between the two of them, then for some reason we want to fix the other person instead of just putting the mirror up to ourselves and saying you know what, how can I show up differently? Because if I show up differently, it's going to immediately change the way the other person shows up.

Jason Shelfer:

Yeah, we become the single unit almost we do so when I start creating, when I start making myself better, it does make us better.

Jana Shelfer:

Yes.

Jason Shelfer:

So I'm going to be vulnerable here Because there is a reflection. Go ahead, I would love that, so we work on this all the time.

Jana Shelfer:

Without even really knowing it. We do it unconsciously.

Jason Shelfer:

I think, but there are times where I have to be ultimately conscious of it, because I will catch myself in building a story in my head silently, like with that voice in my head that starts creating my position stance. Does that make sense?

Jana Shelfer:

Oh, that's okay If you're listening to this. We all do this. We all do this. In fact, sometimes, when our partner starts to talk to us, we start creating what we're going to say next that's a prime example instead of just listening. So go ahead.

Jason Shelfer:

So like it doesn't, and it doesn't matter what it is and and I know the tools, like I know how we, we it's all about me being a better partner to make us a better partner and really to conquer anything, but but still that voice will kick in and say why isn't she? Or why won't she, you know, and it just feels horrible saying it out loud, it's like she is me Right.

Jason Shelfer:

It feels horrible saying it out loud, but it happens. And then I'm like what if I think differently? And so when I hear myself say why doesn't she or why won't she? Those are constraints that I've created.

Jana Shelfer:

And expectations.

Jason Shelfer:

And expectations Like they're unrealistic. They're unexpressed expectations, first of all, and a lot of times they're unrealistic because I've just created these imaginary expectations and I don't know what you're thinking or what you're doing in the process. Like you're going through your own process to create things and this is just something simple, like going down to the dock.

Jana Shelfer:

I will say that the activities that we have put ourselves in the ballroom dancing, the water skiing they are intentionally playful experiences that we can have together and without really knowing it. We are constantly working on our communication and our mindset as a couple.

Jason Shelfer:

Yeah Well, because everything that we step into is some form of growth, some form of adventure and some form of communication, because it's going to involve something new which is going to necessitate a communication level of stepping into that newness.

Jana Shelfer:

So when you catch yourself saying why doesn't she do this, or why isn't she saying this, or why isn't she acting this way, what is the next step? How do you overcome that?

Jason Shelfer:

I literally just say stop, what are you doing? In my brain, I tell my voice, I say stop that. And how do you need to think differently? What might she be thinking about? What are the empowering things that she might be thinking?

Jana Shelfer:

Yes.

Jason Shelfer:

Because if I start looking through a lens of love, no, no, no.

Jana Shelfer:

I want to stop you right now, because right then and there, whenever there is some sort of miscommunication or struggle especially when we're out skiing I am aware of this we immediately think or I find that you a lot of times think that I am having disempowering thoughts in my head. You immediately go because you said it the other day. You were like I feel like that was more in your mind, yeah, and I said I think it's the ski. I blamed it on the ski.

Jason Shelfer:

I think you put the cage in the wrong spot, and I did. But it's funny how we we position, we put ourselves in the position. Stance. I didn't do anything wrong.

Jana Shelfer:

Yes, and I wanted to immediately say no. It's not that I'm having disempowering thoughts, it's this. So I placed the blame somewhere else. So I did exactly what you did I just placed it on an inanimate object.

Jason Shelfer:

However, the thing is, you were correct, placed it on an inanimate object. However, the thing is, you were correct, so I had positioned myself into wanting to believe that I had done the right thing, which we're not always going to be correct.

Jana Shelfer:

But I wasn't blaming you, Right you weren't.

Jason Shelfer:

I was just saying, hey, this might be a cage thing or a ski thing.

Jana Shelfer:

You were open to possibilities. It feels different for me. I seriously was not connecting that to you.

Jason Shelfer:

In this situation, you were open to possibilities and I had positioned myself into thinking you looked really good out there. It must be a mental block that's keeping you from it.

Jana Shelfer:

Yes, and isn't that funny. Okay, so this is not about us. I know we've had someone say stop doing your personal therapy on air. However, sometimes I feel like when we talk these things out loud, it really does help other people not only ourselves.

Jason Shelfer:

I want you, as a listener, to think where in my life might I be placing myself in a position, stance, to prove rightness?

Jana Shelfer:

Yes.

Jason Shelfer:

Instead of being curious about, through a lens of love, what the other person might be going through and also, how might I just change my position of rightness, how might I explore what else might be happening?

Jason Shelfer:

Because when I change what I might be experiencing or what I what I might be thinking, yes, so that's me saying I'm going to work on me for us. Because now I get to say, okay, what else might I think differently? And then I get to say, okay, well, maybe, maybe it's something else, and then you bring in these new ideas, and then we, then we explored the where, the case, where the setting, so we're on the ski and we realized, yeah, that's what it was.

Jana Shelfer:

Okay, so let's just. Let's just tie this all up. First of all, you have to have awareness awareness of how you are showing up, how you are thinking, how you are feeling and how you are acting. So once you have that awareness and you realize, oh, I just completely placed the blame or I'm trying to change something in the other person, then, jason, you said you have your tools.

Jason Shelfer:

You just pause. You just pause for a moment and say hold on, wait a minute, let's just stop the car here and let's just do a systems check.

Jana Shelfer:

You know, there's an old oh gosh, there's an old saying If you're on the wrong train.

Jason Shelfer:

Get off, quick Get off. Get off at the next stop, because if you keep going, the return ticket costs more.

Jana Shelfer:

Yes, that's the saying.

Jason Shelfer:

That's an old Japanese proverb, yeah.

Jana Shelfer:

It is, and I feel like that is what you're saying is. So when you realize okay, I may be placing blame or I may be trying to change the other person, first of all, just have a little mental thought Stop, stop right there. Sing that, if you need to Stop right there, I got to know right now. And then how do you proceed from there?

Jason Shelfer:

Then for me it's just get curious and say, how else might I think about this or what else might be happening, and then just put on a lens of love yes, like that lens of what is a more empowering option here.

Jana Shelfer:

Okay. So to tie this all up, if you would like a relationship like Jason and I marry Jason. That's the secret.

Jason Shelfer:

That's not the secret.

Jana Shelfer:

That's how I answer that question. When people say, how do I get a relationship like you? You marry Jason Schilfer because I seriously think you are very emotionally intelligent when it comes to being in a relationship.

Jason Shelfer:

I think it's a learned. You have a gift. It's a learned trait. It's something that we've worked on together. It's something that I've worked on with other people.

Jana Shelfer:

I think you've been the leader in this, though, and I want to just say thank you, and we all can learn from that. So stop yourself. So it's almost pause mind and get curious of a new way of thinking or other possibilities.

Jason Shelfer:

I love it and always work on yourself for the betterment of both of you.

Jana Shelfer:

Change myself for us yes. That's really how this all ties up.

Jana Shelfer:

Yes, I love it. Thanks for joining us. Keep Living Lucky®. Bye-bye. If the idea of Living Lucky® appeals to you, visit us at www. LivingLucky. com.

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Jana Shelfer

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Jason Shelfer

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