#29 Do you need to confront those that hurt you to heal?

There’s a popular belief in the healing world that says: “You need to confront the people who hurt you if you ever want to fully heal.” It sounds convincing — speak your truth, get it off your chest, finally find closure. But what if that advice isn’t as freeing as it sounds?

In this episode of The Rebellious Healer, Jenny pulls back the curtain on why chasing confrontation can actually keep you stuck, and what it really takes to move forward.

You’ll walk away knowing:

• Why confronting someone who hurt you often isn't in your best interest
• How to reframe trauma so you stop waiting for someone else to change before you can heal
• What to do instead of confrontation — so you can finally reclaim your power

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

There's a popular belief in the healing world that goes something like this. You need to confront the people who hurt you if you ever want to fully heal. It sounds convincing, right? Like it makes sense to do that. And the idea that if you just say your peace, you'll finally feel free. That if they acknowledge what they did, you'll finally get closure. But here's the thing: it's not that simple. In fact, chasing that kind of confrontation can sometimes backfire in ways most people don't expect. So today I'm pulling back the curtain on why this advice isn't always what it seems, and what you actually need to move forward in your healing. By the end of this episode, you'll walk away with why confronting someone who hurt you isn't in your best interest, how to reframe trauma so you can stop waiting for someone else to change before you move forward, and what to do instead of confrontation so you can finally reclaim your power and heal. Welcome to the Rebellious Healer, where we ditch the fear, decode the symptoms, and take healing into your own hands. I'm Jenny Peterson, a former holistic practitioner, turn symptom-free mind-body rebel. I help women break free from protocols and step into trust, confidence, and full body healing. If you're done with rules, restrictions, and outsourcing your power, you're in the right place. When people first learn that mind-body healing often connects back to their past, they'll start naming situations that cause them pain. Times they didn't feel safe, times they felt unheard, times they were let down. And with all the trauma language circulating these days, it's common for people to make those connections and then assume the next step is obvious. Confront the person who caused it. It matters, and yes, it's absolutely connected to your chronic symptoms. But the truth, confronting it head-on, especially by going to the person who you believe caused the pain, is not the path to healing. In fact, it can backfire and keep you even more stuck. I know this very well because I did it myself. So let's start with the obvious question. Why not confront? The reason so many people get burned when they try to confront someone from their past is this. They're expecting a reaction that the other person simply isn't capable of giving. Think about it. If you've spent years doing personal growth work, therapy, inner reflection, and reprogramming your subconscious, you're seeing things through a completely different lens now. You're finally connecting dots that the other person might not even know exist. When you go to them and say, you hurt me, and here's how, most people will do one of three things. Number one, get defensive. They'll justify their actions. That's not what happened, or I only did that because I had to. Number two, minimize or deny. They'll brush it off. You're overreacting, or that wasn't a big deal. Number three, shut down. They don't know how to handle it. So they emotionally check out. And here's the kicker. When that happens, your nervous system takes another hit. Instead of feeling liberated, you feel dismissed. Instead of closure, you get another wound layered on top of the original one. Let's say Jane, who grew up with a critical mother, decides one day that she's ready to finally confront her. She sits her down and says, Mom, when you constantly compared me to other kids, it made me feel like I was never enough. And her mom pauses, takes a breath, and then responds, You know, I don't remember doing that. And even if I did, it was just to motivate you. Look at how well you turned out. Now, what just happened? Jane's truth was dismissed. Her mom didn't see it, because from her perspective, criticism was love. It was her way of parenting, probably passed down by her own childhood. Jane walks away with no closure, but with even more pain. Her nervous system wasn't ready to handle her mom's defensiveness. So the confrontation only deepened her sense of not being heard. Confrontation can feel like knocking on a locked door and expecting it to swing wide open. You're hoping for warmth, acknowledgement, and maybe even an apology. But if that door is locked by someone else's programming, no amount of knocking will open it. The power move isn't in banging harder on that door. It's in realizing, wait, I don't need to get in there. I can build my own house. And here's the truth: when you make your healing dependent on someone else's reaction, you've handed them the keys to your freedom. Waiting for an apology is like saying, I'll stop bleeding once you bring me a band-aid. That's giving away all your power. And here's what I want you to know: you don't need anyone else's permission to heal. Closure doesn't come from their validation, it comes from you deciding that the story is complete. Let's say Mark had a father who was emotionally unavailable. Growing up, every time Mark wanted to talk about his feelings, his dad shut him down. Now, as an adult, Mark carries that ache of never being heard. He thinks if I just confront my dad and finally tell him how much that hurt me, maybe he'll understand. Maybe he'll apologize. But here's the reframe. What if Mark doesn't need his dad's acknowledgement? What if the real healing comes from Mark deciding that his own voice matters, whether or not his dad ever listens? So Mark starts practicing speaking up in safe spaces. He learns to use his voice with friends, in his career, with himself. He creates boundaries. If his dad dismisses him, he doesn't internalize it anymore. That's healing. Not because his dad suddenly transformed, but because Mark stopped outsourcing his sense of worth. Think of it like looking into a broken mirror. If you're waiting for that mirror to reflect your worth back to you, you'll always see distortion. The glass is cracked. It can't show you the truth. But when you realize, oh, this mirror is broken, it's not about me. You can stop waiting for it to give you a perfect reflection. You find a new mirror, or better yet, you stop needing one at all. This is one of the most important shifts you can make. Trauma is not the event itself. Trauma is the meaning your subconscious attached to the event at the time. And it's also the perception that your body is receiving and responding to. As children, we didn't have the maturity, the tools, or the awareness to interpret situations clearly. So we made them mean something about us. I'm not good enough. I don't matter. I can't trust anyone. The person who hurt you, they were acting from their own subconscious programming, their own unhealed patterns. Maybe your mom criticized you because that's how her mom motivated her. Maybe your partner lashed out because they never learned how to regulate their emotions. Does that excuse their behavior? No. But it does put the power back in your hands because now you see that their actions were about their limitations, not about your worth. Here's another example for you. Imagine Sarah, who as a child was told by a teacher, you'll never amount to much. For decades, those words echoed in her mind. She thought the trauma was the teacher's comment. But the real trauma wasn't the comment itself. It was the meaning Sarah gave it. If my teacher said this, it must be true. I am a failure. When Sarah finally reframed it, she saw, wait a second, that teacher was a bitter, unhappy adult projecting their own limitations onto me. Their words never defined me. My interpretation did. That's when the power shifted. Not because she confronted the teacher, but because she rewrote the meaning. Other people's programming is like second-hand smoke. It drifts over to you, but it's not yours. It's toxic, but it didn't originate in you. Healing means recognizing this isn't mine to carry. I can breathe clean air now. So if confrontation isn't the path, then what is? I have three rebellious practical alternatives. Number one, reparent yourself. This means write a letter to your younger self and tell them what they never heard from others and what they needed to hear. Speak to that part of you directly. You were always enough. You didn't deserve that. I see you now. This is subconscious programming. You're giving your nervous system the validation it was waiting for externally. And number two, creating safety rituals. Healing doesn't require a grand confrontation. It requires small, consistent signals of safety. Think of it like teaching a scared dog that the world isn't dangerous anymore. You don't throw it into the middle of traffic to prove a point. You create a calm, safe environment over and over again until trust is rebuilt. You have to do the same thing with your subconscious. And number three, practice boundaries silently first. Boundaries is definitely a buzzword right now. And everybody's about, I'm going to set boundaries with this person and do that. And the truth is the boundaries need to start within you first. They don't always need to be declared out loud and uh something that you confront with another person. They need to start internally. Maybe that means not answering the phone when someone toxic calls you, or choosing to leave a gathering early, or simply not engaging in a conversation that feels unsafe. Over time, as your nervous system strengthens, you can communicate boundaries more directly, but it starts with embodying them, not announcing them. And this starts with you working on your internal boundaries first. So here's the rebellion in all of this. Confrontation looks powerful, but it's actually dependence in disguise. When you confront, you're still saying, my healing depends on how you respond. But when you shift the focus, reframe the trauma, and choose alternative paths, you're declaring my healing depends on me, no one else. That's rebellion and that's power. You don't need their apology. You don't need their permission. You don't need a dramatic scene. You need you, the version of you who refuses to hand her freedom over to someone else's growth timeline. So let's bring this all together. Confrontation often makes things worse because people defend, deny, or minimize. Number two, trauma isn't the event. It's the meaning you give it, which you can now reframe. Healing happens when you stop outsourcing closure and start creating it within yourself. Alternatives like reparenting, safety rituals, and silent boundaries help you take your power back without needing anyone else to cooperate. And the rebellious path is realizing you don't need them to change in order for you to heal. And this is where so many people get stuck, waiting for someone else to finally say or do the thing that will set them free. But the truth is you don't need to keep waiting. You can step into that freedom now. And when you do, everything about your healing shifts. This is the work that your chronic symptoms are begging you to do. And it's exactly what we focus on inside Ignite, my eight-month program for those with three or more chronic symptoms. In Ignite, we don't chase closure from others. We build it from the inside out, using the Heal and Thrive framework to shift the subconscious patterns that are keeping you stuck. If you're ready to become the healer you've been waiting for, apply today. Click on the Start Here link in the show notes. Thank you for tuning in today. I'll leave you with this rebellious reminder. Your healing is not dependent on someone else's reaction. The moment you stop waiting for them is the moment you start setting yourself free and giving your body the permission it needs to heal.