Many couples wonder why their sex life isn’t like what they expected, or what they see on tv, or in the movies, and they compare their marriage to things that are not realistic. Couples have myths about sex that keep them from having the “Ultimate Intimacy” in their marriage that they deserve to have.
In this podcast episode Nick and Amy talk about the "truths" about sex and why you need to ignore the myths that keep you from having the sexual intimacy you desire.
Some of these myths include:
- You always have to be in the mood to have sex. What ever happened to foreplay?
- Your spouse should always know what you want
- Women take longer to get aroused
- Sex is a "want" and not a "need"
- Talking about sex will ruin the mood
- Sex has to be spontaneous
And so much more!
If you haven't already, go check out the Ultimate Intimacy App in the app stores, or at ultimateintimacy.com to find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your marriage. It's FREE to download and so much fun! Find out why over 650,000 couples have downloaded the app and give it such high ratings and reviews!
WANT AMAZING PRODUCTS TO SPICE THINGS UP? YES PLEASE... CLICK HERE
The Ultimate Intimacy Sexual Intimacy Marriage Course can be found HERE
The Intimacy and Adventure Marriage Retreat to connect on a deeper level as a couple! Find out more at https://ultimateintimacy.com/retreats/
Follow us on Instagram @ultimateintimacyapp for app updates, polls, giveaways, daily marriage quotes and more.
If you have any feedback, comments or topics you would like to hear on future episodes, reach out to us at amy@ultimateintimacy.com and let us know! We greatly appreciate your feedback and please leave us a review.
Many couples wonder why their sex life isn’t like what they expected, or what they see on tv, or in the movies, and they compare their marriage to things that are not realistic. Couples have myths about sex that keep them from having the “Ultimate Intimacy” in their marriage that they deserve to have.
In this podcast episode Nick and Amy talk about the "truths" about sex and why you need to ignore the myths that keep you from having the sexual intimacy you desire.
Some of these myths include:
- You always have to be in the mood to have sex. What ever happened to foreplay?
- Your spouse should always know what you want
- Women take longer to get aroused
- Sex is a "want" and not a "need"
- Talking about sex will ruin the mood
- Sex has to be spontaneous
And so much more!
If you haven't already, go check out the Ultimate Intimacy App in the app stores, or at ultimateintimacy.com to find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your marriage. It's FREE to download and so much fun! Find out why over 650,000 couples have downloaded the app and give it such high ratings and reviews!
WANT AMAZING PRODUCTS TO SPICE THINGS UP? YES PLEASE... CLICK HERE
The Ultimate Intimacy Sexual Intimacy Marriage Course can be found HERE
The Intimacy and Adventure Marriage Retreat to connect on a deeper level as a couple! Find out more at https://ultimateintimacy.com/retreats/
Follow us on Instagram @ultimateintimacyapp for app updates, polls, giveaways, daily marriage quotes and more.
If you have any feedback, comments or topics you would like to hear on future episodes, reach out to us at amy@ultimateintimacy.com and let us know! We greatly appreciate your feedback and please leave us a review.
You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship. We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life. Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun. The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
Speaker 2:The truth about sex and why you need to ignore the myths that are keeping you from experiencing the sexual intimacy you've always desired with Nick and Amy on the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast. Today is going to be a fun podcast. I'm totally into this.
Speaker 1:I'm excited about this podcast. I don't know why.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we're going to talk about the myths that keep you from having the sexual intimacy you desire, and I like to look like what is a myth to you.
Speaker 1:Something gosh. I wish I would have looked at the definition before you put me on the spot like that.
Speaker 2:I know I want to get the self-guard.
Speaker 1:I mean, we all know what myth is, but to me it's like believing something has to be a certain way or be done a certain way, but just believing something that necessarily isn't true right Believing something that is not true.
Speaker 2:That is not necessarily true Exactly.
Speaker 1:It can be true, but maybe it's not true. I don't know. You don't know.
Speaker 2:if it's true, I guess, so there are a lot of myths or things that keep people from having the sexual intimacy they desire, because they think certain things have to be a certain way or sex doesn't make sense.
Speaker 1:Or it kind of like comes down to, or maybe this kind of goes hand in hand with expectations. Yeah, I kind of feel like myths and expectations kind of work together in this kind of area. I think you're right, because I think we all jump into marriage having these expectations, probably from myths.
Speaker 2:I agree with that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I feel like the more social media and the more stuff we're reading or putting into our brain, the more we're learning, or I don't know. Then it also can change our expectations or kind of change the way we feel about some of these myths.
Speaker 2:Anyways, yeah, I think you're right, yeah, so let's dive in. Myth number one you always have to be in the mood to have sex, and this is probably the one that drives me the most crazy, and I think it's really changed over time. Like nowadays I don't know if it's like the feminist movement or whatever, but nowadays it's like oh no, if you don't, you shouldn't have sex if you're not in the mood. And again, we're not saying you should have sex when you don't want to. But what I am saying is that's the whole purpose of foreplay, right? So, Amy and I Amy just really is never in the mood to have sex. No, let's be honest, right.
Speaker 1:Did you hear him stutter there? He's like Amy's.
Speaker 2:How do I word this? Um, not really ever in the mood, ever. No, let's just throw it out there, right Like, let's be realistic.
Speaker 1:Anyone that listens to us, knows our situation, which is probably like 90% of the situation.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like she is not, she's not, she's tipping, not like.
Speaker 1:oh, I'm such in the mood to have sex with you tonight, Nick's always like why don't you just throw me up against the wall and be all? What's the word frisky?
Speaker 2:I don't even know the word have your way with me.
Speaker 1:I'm like uh yeah, I don't think that's the normal woman.
Speaker 2:Uh, yeah, I don't know where that comes from, and I'm not serious when I say that. Well, there might be, that might be the truth. It's like every man's dream, but that's why it's a dream is because it is what you dream about and it doesn't happen when I get home from work, I mean when I walk out of our home office into the hallway.
Speaker 1:That's the problem is like you literally don't ever leave, so I don't really miss you.
Speaker 2:All right, we're getting off subject. Let's turn this back. So what I was, what I was going to say in a in a very careful way, is like for most women and for Amy, um, I think they just aren't in the mood to have sex.
Speaker 1:This can go the other way around.
Speaker 2:It can. But the point is is Amy is willing to get in the mood. She knows there are certain things to get in the mood and we have a great sex life because of that. So, instead of her attitude being like I'm not in the mood, therefore, we're not going to make love, and she's like you know what? I understand that I can get in the mood. I might not be in the mood now, but I can get in the mood, and here's the ways I get in the mood and the whole purpose of that's, the whole purpose of foreplay, right Is foreplay is to get a spouse that's not in the mood in the mood. So as long as you're willing. But I think nowadays, like I said, whether it's the feminist movement or whatever they're like, oh, you shouldn't. You shouldn't do that if you aren't in the mood or you, you should control.
Speaker 1:That's just called a bad attitude.
Speaker 2:You should control everything when it comes to sex, and we've talked about that how a lot of times you know that's the case, and you're going to have a bad attitude if the emotional intimacy isn't strong.
Speaker 1:So go back to the episode before this one If you wanted. Yeah.
Speaker 2:So yeah, in episode 133, we talk all about foreplay and why it's so important to allow yourself or allow your spouse, allow each other, to get in the mood through that foreplay. So don't let the myth I'm not in the mood right now prohibit you from having the sexual intimacy you desire.
Speaker 1:But if you're not in the mood, figure out why. Figure out if you're being positive about getting in the mood, because that is the first step is having a good attitude. And you cannot have a good attitude about getting in the mood with foreplay If there are other things in place first, which I just mentioned is in the last episode. So it's about positive attitude that comes from a strong relationship.
Speaker 2:And let me go back a little bit. I'm not trying to get too political in this, but when I talk about the feminist movement, the reason why I brought that up is we get absolutely destroyed on some of our emails saying by feminist women who are saying you're encouraging sex when someone's maybe not in the mood, when we do a video on foreplay or something like that and that's rape, and we just get absolutely destroyed.
Speaker 2:Our message is for healthy couples, yeah, so everything we're saying is for healthy couples, right, Like we're not promoting that trash. They are anyways. Don't need to say much more about that.
Speaker 1:I just all I have to say is that go back and listen to the. If you didn't listen to the previous episode, to this one. A positive attitude about getting in the mood comes from having a strong relationship with us based on strong emotional intimacy. That always comes first, so anyways and I go back to we.
Speaker 2:We, all the time in life, do things that maybe isn't something we necessarily are jumping up and down to do, but we do because we know it's important. And I think sex can sometimes fall under that category. Like you know what, this isn't the top of my priority list. It does take time and effort, but it is important to our marriage and our relationship and therefore I'm gonna make it a priority.
Speaker 1:So and I think people do I don't want to get off track, but like, how many hours does a husband put into making his wife happy, or or the opposite? It can go both ways, just with the emotional things, the loving things that they do every week. How I don't understand how some women can't, or men, just prioritize being intimate a couple times a week for, say, 20 to 30 minutes, like I. Just that's where I'm stuck I don't want to get off subject.
Speaker 1:So anyways, miss number two, you have to be good at it. We're not going to bring up our honeymoon.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna bring up our honeymoon. Yeah, cuz that was a, that was a night where I didn't have to be good at Thank goodness, um, so yeah. So I think oftentimes we think, oh, to enjoy it, we have to be good at it. No, sex is gonna look different for every couple, and what does it mean that you have to be good at it?
Speaker 1:doesn't. That doesn't even make any sense because we're taught to. I mean, depending on what you were taught, you probably taught the porn's bad. Watching stuff is bad, probably wait to get sex like, like everyone that goes into marriage with those beliefs are gonna be like I don't even know what to do, right?
Speaker 2:I think this means that if a spouse feels like they're not good at it or they can't please their spouse, then they're going to shy away from being sexually intimate if I felt like I'm not good at it. I don't know what to do to please you, and I felt like I could never please you sexually. I can see how that could be something that's a spouse would shy away from and say you know what?
Speaker 1:I'm not good at it, I don't know how to please my spouse isn't it funny that humans in general, though, if we don't feel like we're good at something, we usually either quit or we I mean, there's not like some things that we try harder at, we try to learn more at, but there's a lot of things, as humans, we just give up on right, and this is one of those things that like to get good at it.
Speaker 1:You can't quit, you gotta talk about talking about it and trying new things and being vulnerable and you get. You get good at it by learning things together, not by going and learning from watching or reading something. You get good at being vulnerable and honest and and and doing it more right absolutely doing it more you get. Like anything else we do in life, we start doing it more and we get better at something, except for me, I never get any better at pickleball, but In most things you get better the more that you communicate and try harder.
Speaker 1:So for sure in this case, you don't have to be good at it.
Speaker 2:You will get better at it the more better you get at talking about it love it, love it, and I think this flows right into the next one, which is sex. Always has to be amazing.
Speaker 1:I some nights are just not amazing. Some nights are just like that was great, whatever, and some nights are all physical, summer, so emotionally connected. Some nights feel better than other nights.
Speaker 2:Some nights are just kind of like blah, like I mean, I'm just being honest, right, I think I think to like sex becomes more amazing when you're focused on your spouse, right like, rather than you're trying to. You know, focus on yourself and like let's do something that makes this feel better than it ever has, which is okay. Which is okay sometimes but.
Speaker 2:But I think oftentimes we think the sex has to be just this amazing thing. There's gonna be times where maybe the point of sex is just to connect that night right, maybe it's. Maybe it's really it's been a tough day and you've been fighting, but it's more of just to connect on a deeper level. Maybe it's a quickie because you don't have time, and it's more of just to A fun, playful thing, like there's so many different types of sexual intimacy and it doesn't always have to be amazing. The whole key, I think, is that you're connecting as a couple.
Speaker 1:I wish that we would have taken a poll on this one and I wish I would have asked couples, all couples, husbands and wives what Think back to the most amazing sexual moment you have had together? Was it because it was physical, physically connecting, or was it because it was emotionally connecting? And everyone's gonna say all the nights where it was both for sure, but I bet the majority if they didn't have a night where it was both, because sometimes it is physically and emotionally connected, it's just like that was amazing.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But I bet, if that wasn't an option, I bet even even the majority of husbands would pick the best nights where, when we're emotionally connected, I bet with our audience, that's what they would pick, and that just shows you and if you are emotionally connected, then bringing in, like the fun games and the different things, like the truth or their intimacy or whatever, that makes it much more enjoyable because you're emotionally connected. Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:Myth number four porn and the movies are not a realistic representation of what sex is like.
Speaker 2:I don't know like yeah, poor like we don't know, we don't know, but I think this is a myth, because we have a lot of people that we've talked to that are addicted to porn or dealt with it, and they always tell us that, like all you know, that type of sex is totally different than what sex is really like, and I think we think that all sex should be a certain way, based upon our expectations or just what we think. But again I go back to it like those are not realistic representations of what sex should be like.
Speaker 2:Sex should be connecting emotionally and Anyways, yeah I don't have a lot to say on that, because yeah, we, just we don't have expertise in this area or we don't have experience in this area.
Speaker 1:We don't have experience with like the whole porn thing. But what I do know is that we all all of us as humans have seen social media, even romance movies, even just things in life where we think that that's what real life is like. And it's not like that, because a lot of things are fake nowadays and I think we just have to remember that Realistic is what's happening in your marriage probably, yeah, right like that's what's realistic in your life and we're all so different, so Remember like never to compare where that comes to areas of intimacy or anything like yeah, make it what you want it to be right?
Speaker 1:yeah, exactly, everyone's it's gonna be different for everyone.
Speaker 2:Number five quantity matters more than quality. I disagree with this, but you but then on the other hand, you can't. I think it's gonna be like quantity I think you have to have a good balance, because if you say, all we have sex once a year and it's amazing, well yeah, if you go a year without having sex, it's gonna be the most amazing thing ever because you've just gone a year. But, like, I think there's a good balance, like you gotta have.
Speaker 1:Obviously it should be very good quality, but I think you also have to have a little bit of Come out and be honest and say it should be quantity and quality every single time and quantities very important.
Speaker 2:Just say it should be quality and quantity every single time, and qualities more important is that I just quote you. Did I quote you you gotta be, did I? Quote your mind you're caught my mind but that's. But that's a guy's mind.
Speaker 1:I want to hear a freaking time clock like it's like day three. Oh, it's time, day three, oh, it's time, day three, it's time. I'm not saying that you're not into quality, but I'm like a lot of men have agreed like my body is telling me I need it, like I wish I was. I just so I'm saying I think so many women Would love to feel like that, like I'm so jealous I wish my body was like you need it today. I'd be like, oh sweet, like I would love my body. So I think it's it's like important to remember that we are wired, created so differently and the women that feel like that jealous of you to like, if you have that urge, you're like I just want to have sex, super jealous of that, and I've even had tests done and I'm like there's nothing wrong with me, what's going on, but that's okay. That's where foreplay and a lot of stuff comes from, comes in, and I think there's a reason why we were created differently.
Speaker 1:I really do, or we probably wouldn't get anything done Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if we were both created the same way, nothing would get done. We'd have each. Each couple would have like 40 kids.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but the myth quantity matters more than quality. I quant, oh, quantity matters. Yeah, I think they're both important. I think they're equally important because I think for I think a lot of spouses will say it is important to keep the quantity up and to make every one of those as quality as you can. Right, you said it perfectly.
Speaker 2:That was beautiful, beautiful. The next myth is that your spouse should instinctively know what you want in the bedroom.
Speaker 1:It took me 15 years to tell Nick that I wanted to try a new position. 15 years, 15 years. I think he was just too scared to say it too.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, no, like we've talked about another podcast. As a man, you know, if you go to your wife and say we really need to switch things up, here's what I'd like to try. What's the first thing you think your wife's gonna? Say, that is so not true, that's not true, what you've been reading or what you've been looking at. That is not true, that was my concern. Whether valid or not, that was my concern.
Speaker 1:So I don't think every wife is like what have you been looking at? I don't think that everyone in human nature knows you can do different things without looking at stuff.
Speaker 2:Okay, I think for most men they're just happy to be making love to their wife. It doesn't matter if it's missionary every single time like hey, I'm not gonna rock the boat, like I'm happy with what I have, but it's true. Then you approached me and you brought new experiences.
Speaker 1:Okay, so anyway. So we're not moving on. It comes down to conversations.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like if you have a hard time and a lot of people express this to us like we can't rip that band-aid off, we cannot talk about sexual intimacy. It is so hard for us. I'm the first one to say it took us 15 years to start talking about all this stuff and that's why we literally created the app was to help people talk about it, and we added the intimate conversation starters was to talk about hard questions. I'm like I don't even know what kind of kind of things to ask you. I need help in that area. And then, once you start talking about it just gets easier and easier and your sex life gets better and better.
Speaker 2:When we talked about it, it actually, when we started talking about sex, it actually changed every aspect of our marriage.
Speaker 1:It changed all the emotional intimacy. I started opening up and be like you know what, now that I can talk about that, let's talk about emotional intimacy, disconnect, let's talk about these barriers here, Like I'm not getting this, you're not getting this, Like it opened up this whole. I don't want to say can, because that sounds bad, but sometimes in marriage you have to open up those cans and be like we just got to get to the bottom of this right.
Speaker 2:And it really was helpful. Like I said, it was a game changer. So I think that's a very, very important one is you shouldn't just assume that your spouse should know what you want. You need to talk about that. We've talked about that a lot. I like the next one too sexual intimacy declines with age or declines over time.
Speaker 1:I did you believe that when we got married that the older you get, the worse it got?
Speaker 2:Yes, I think that's just I think that's you just think people get used to each other probably gets boring. For me. I can only speak for myself but, being married 22 years, like sexual intimacy. The more longer we're married it gets better and better because and I think part of it is because we've gone through a lot together we're really connected, we're really vulnerable, we share. I think it's our relationship always continues to get deeper and hopefully it does that. The sexual intimacy part gets more connecting and yada, yada, yada.
Speaker 1:And I'm going to say that the myth that sexual intimacy declines with age or time in a relationship. I'm going to say that one for me personally, and I've heard from a lot of people that are older that it gets better and better because and I've heard a lot for women that their drive actually goes up like age 50 on for some people. I'm hoping for that because this one's been really hard for me. I felt like it did decline for me.
Speaker 2:Yeah because when we first got married you had a really strong sex drive.
Speaker 1:I did, but I also didn't, wasn't running a big business and I didn't have four kids and a house full of teenagers and I my body hadn't gone through a bunch of changes.
Speaker 2:And now I'm in criminal laws, and I wasn't bald back then, so I'm not probably nothing to do with it, like I, just I for women.
Speaker 1:I think it's it's as hard or harder for the women to not want it as bad as this for the husband Well, maybe not bad for the husbands, because so many husbands complain that my wife has sex drives gone down and it's totally affected our relationship. Like this one's been really hard for me, I'm just being honest with you. Like it sucks that libidos go down, it sucks that things overtake our brains and and we get distracted, and I did just all the things that can lower libido or just lower the priority scale. I'm just being honest with you. It's, it's been hard. So it takes a lot of effort on my part to have to want to keep prioritizing it because it's not as I don't know, my body's just not built like yours, and I think too when we talk about the myth that sex declines with age.
Speaker 2:For some people it might. So maybe it's not necessarily a myth, but I think it all depends on where you're at in your marriage and how much effort you're putting in and what you're focusing on. I think a lot of people, the longer their marriage goes on, they kind of give up a little bit, and for some people they try to strengthen their marriage. So I think that plays a big role too, is you know where you at in your relationship overall.
Speaker 1:So I just think it's really important to realize that sexual intimacy does take a lot of work, like if you're feeling like you have to put a lot of effort in and it has declined and it's it's a constant struggle. Like you're normal, it is. It takes a lot of work for me to to want it and to prioritize it and to want to initiate, like because that's not natural for me now, like I have to come out of my comfort zone and do something that sometimes I'm not thinking about it. I just want you to know that you're normal If you're putting energy and effort into this. That's it's healthy, but it's normal.
Speaker 2:Oh, I mean.
Speaker 1:Nick doesn't have to put any effort into it, so he doesn't understand.
Speaker 2:I don't understand that because looking at a bald white guy, 48 year old body, like how could she just not be like going nuts 24, seven over this? Like so I can't, I don't understand that. Anyways, sorry, that was a joke.
Speaker 1:I know it's a joke. Okay, you're laughing. I, everyone knows it's a joke.
Speaker 2:All right. So the next myth is that women take longer than men to get aroused. That is, that is a myth.
Speaker 1:I think we it used to not be a myth. We're gonna. Okay the other. There's another night.
Speaker 2:Amy almost said a Guinness World Record for the fastest.
Speaker 1:That's because I found that toy.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I'm not saying that toys like you know how we feel about toys. If you don't go listen to that episode, because I don't think we use them together we only use them together and they're not a replacement, they're only an aid.
Speaker 1:But when we figured out how to use it together, I have zero libido, I have zero. But like I know that I can get in the mood and if he pulls that certain thing out and we do it together, I know Well. Actually I even told Nick the other night. I said let's see if I can go from start to finish in 30 seconds.
Speaker 2:I'm not gonna say anything else. I don't want to stop watching. I don't.
Speaker 1:I don't want to give too much info, but I totally disagree with the myth that women take longer than men, because in certain aspects it doesn't have to be like that. Well, and what's Okay, and on a serious note, but normally, normally it does take longer.
Speaker 2:And on a serious note, what's kind of amazing is usually she's I'm longer now. I'm the longer one now.
Speaker 1:You're always longer now.
Speaker 2:She's like really I'm waiting for you again.
Speaker 1:But before that, and if you're against toys, that's okay, that's okay. We're not saying go grab a toy, because we were against them for a really long time. And I can honestly say that it took me way longer to get aroused and that's what made me physically exhausted about. Oh, we got to do this because it's going to take me 45 minutes to get aroused and then it's going to feel good for 60 seconds max. It wasn't like I wasn't all excited to go spend an hour trying to get aroused, Like I was like I'm tired. But now, with our solution, I'm like okay, yeah, I'm exhausted tonight, but I know it's going to feel good, it's really fast for it to work for me now and it doesn't have to take me 45 minutes or whatever. Like a lot of women express, this happens.
Speaker 2:So so I think a lot of people are like us where they're like I don't want to use a toy because then we're not really making love, and I think how do we share what we have discovered without giving too much information?
Speaker 1:Well, I already have in that one podcast episode about the vibrator, but we found a way to just keep it on the outside, on the clitoris during penetration.
Speaker 2:We put it between us.
Speaker 1:So that it can be an aid, not a replacement. There's still penetration, if that's what you're into, and it's the best of both worlds, because we're still super connected.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so we're basically making love and we put that in between us enough said. But what?
Speaker 1:I'm saying is I?
Speaker 2:think a lot of people, and one of our biggest concerns too was like well, we don't want to have something be replacing or whatever, and this has just really helped tremendously to where, like Amy said, we use it together. It's not a replacement, but it makes it so much more enjoyable for her.
Speaker 1:But that's the whole thing. Like I talked about in the one episode, is that for a man it feels good the whole time, unless a woman is super aroused, usually by the clitoris, not internally. It feels way better for a woman when the clitoris is stimulated the whole time, and that's the solution that we found is that if I'm going to enjoy it the whole 20 minutes or however long, instead of just the very end, I find myself having a more positive attitude that this is for me too. This is for me too, and it's supposed to be for both of you. Both of you are supposed to want should be physically benefiting and emotionally benefiting for both of you.
Speaker 2:And it's been a game changer. Right, it was a game changer. We always say that let's not even get into this.
Speaker 1:But women do take longer to get aroused, unless you find a way to change that.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Moving on myth number nine, it is your spouse's responsibility to get you in the mood.
Speaker 1:Um, yeah, I think people could say yes or no to that one. I disagree with that because I think it starts in the mindset and physically. Sometimes you would agree that your spouse is the one to kind of get you physically. So it depends, like, where you're taking this.
Speaker 2:Well, let's say you're a spouse that doesn't have much of a desire, right, and you just don't have that desire. How is a high-desire spouse going to get you in the mood? Necessarily, if your mind frame is not in a good frame of mind or you don't want to get in the mood, how is your spouse going to get you in the mood?
Speaker 2:I think it's important to take responsibility and say you know what? I'm the one that maybe is the low-desire spouse. Why am I the low-desire spouse and what can I do to get myself in the mood? What? And really, maybe take some self looking in inwardly.
Speaker 1:Diagnosis yeah.
Speaker 2:And saying what can I do to enjoy it more or get in the mood? Because, again, it's really not fair for the low-desire spouse to continuously say to the higher-desire spouse, it's your job to get me in the mood. They don't know what to do. They don't know how to get you in the mood. So the low-desire spouse really needs to take some responsibility and figure out why are they not getting in the mood and then have those conversations together.
Speaker 1:And this is where it gets tricky, though. This is where you have to realize that this is good for your relationship, because if you don't have a drive and you don't realize how important this is for your marriage, you're not even going towell. There's no problem here. I'm happy, I'm content, I'm fine. I don't need that. Why do I need to fix something that I don't need?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Right Like that's where you have to realize and have conversations like this is really important for our marriage, this is really important for me, this is really important for you, and have those vulnerable conversations Because, yeah, if someone doesn't have a drive, they're not going to think they have anything to fix.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Exactly, yeah, it's usually pointing the finger at the other person.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:I really like the next one too. It's the myth that sex is just physical. It's not an actualit's a want. It's not a need.
Speaker 1:Iokay Well women can't agree to that, because they're not a man.
Speaker 2:Well, that's what I was just going to say. We hear from so many women that, oh, my husband just wants to have sex, to get off, you know, or whatever that's all he wants. He just wants to have sex. It's just a physical thing. First of all, how do you know how your husband feels? You are not a man, just like your husband doesn't know how you feel, or vice versa.
Speaker 1:Or vice versa.
Speaker 2:And so maybe you should have those conversations again, because sex is so much more to a man, it is a need. It is a need Now. Your husband may not physically die, as we've talked about in the past, but your marriage will die. If you cut off the sexual intimacy, your marriage is going to you are literally just another roommate.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, that's what? Literally that takes marriage a step above having a roommate. So If you're committed and you're passionate and you have an intimate life. That's what marriage is.
Speaker 2:So, just as women, just as you have certain needs that you need to be met for your marriage to thrive, and for every woman it might be meeting my love language Emotional needs. For everyone it's different, but just as women have those emotional things that they need from their husband, husband has that physical need that's also tied with the emotional that he needs as well, and so If you don't believe us, get on Instagram.
Speaker 1:In the top corner of our post, I think we have a pinned sexual intimacy surveys answers from husbands and we read a bunch of the answers talking about why husbands actually want sex because of more of emotional need than a physical need, and I love that poll because we've got hundreds of husbands answering and 99% of them was this is so much more than sex. Yeah, this is literally a way I want to connect with my wife. It is so much deeper than physical when we do polls on this?
Speaker 2:never. We never have husbands that say, oh, I just, I want to have sex because it feels good. That's never, ever the reason. No one ever says that it's always I want to connect with my wife, I want to. This it's always more from an emotional standpoint and they feel loved, they feel appreciated, they feel desired. So I'm just, I'm just going to say this that if you don't think sex is a need, you're making a big mistake. For sure, your marriage needs that. Yep, so the next one is spontaneous sex.
Speaker 2:That sex should always just be spontaneous, and I I totally disagree with this. I would say that most times for us it's not spontaneous, like when you have four kids and so many things going on. When are you? When is it going to be spontaneous?
Speaker 1:Well, spontaneous in a certain aspect, not like written on a calendar and scheduled technically, but kind of because it's like oh, it's day four, I know he's going to want it, so I'm going to initiate first, or day three. Or sometimes it's one of us coming to each other in the morning hey, let's be intimate. Or night, or in the afternoon, or making some kind of funny comment Like, hey, tonight's a good night and I'm like, yeah, sure it I would get. Any night could be a great night if you have a positive mindset about it, right, yeah. So yeah, it's probably not like like I don't think I ever climb into bed and like, oh, we just ended up making love, Like I usually know if beforehand, like it's happening tonight, yeah. So it doesn't always have to be spontaneous and it still can be super fun and and I think for most couples it's probably not spontaneous and that's okay.
Speaker 2:Like when you're first married and you have no kids and no responsibility, there's probably lots of times to be spontaneous and when you're, when you have kids and so many things going on, if you're waiting for it to be spontaneous, it's probably never going to happen. This is the time of life where you really need to say you know what? It's not going to be spontaneous. We might have to schedule it and make time for it and plan it, and that's okay too, and I mean, and it can still be awesome. It doesn't necessarily have to be spontaneous, Right? And that kind of leads us into the next one, which is you know, great sex should be naturally happen naturally. Again, it's not going to happen naturally, Not always it's seldom does depending on what time of life you're in.
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, All the stages are different. I think, which, which we've talked about previously. The next myth how is?
Speaker 1:that a myth Sex equals orgasm, the sex has to equal sex.
Speaker 2:Sex has to equal an orgasm.
Speaker 1:When has it not Like? I would love to hear of one marriage out there that it didn't end in orgasm?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I will scratch that one Exactly.
Speaker 1:Like I don't even understand that. Like you're literally going to like get to that point and then be like oh, we're done. Like, explain that one to me.
Speaker 2:No, I think, I think, I think for a lot of couples though, like like maybe if you're making out or something, but if you're like well, and I think too, like you know, with health concerns or different things, like sex doesn't always have to equal.
Speaker 1:It doesn't Okay, so let's change that. Sex equals sex doesn't always have to equal orgasm.
Speaker 2:Correct.
Speaker 1:But majority of time it probably does so and yeah, I don't know what else they'll know. We'll scratch that.
Speaker 2:Okay, All right If you truly love each other. This is the myth that if you truly love each other, you'll know what your spouse wants in the bedroom. That's a myth. We kind of already covered that earlier, that's definitely a myth.
Speaker 1:You do not know. You are not a mind-reaser, even if you're like 100% soulmate.
Speaker 2:And it can change. It can change daily too, depending on what kind of mood your spouse is in or what kind of mood you're in as well. Absolutely so. Sexual desire should remain constant. This is a huge myth. It's not going to remain constant.
Speaker 1:I think it should, actually it should remain constant. That's true it should, but it doesn't.
Speaker 2:It doesn't and I think, going back to expectations, I think a lot of men think, oh, when we get married, we're just going to be making love all the time, all the time, yeah, and that's obviously not going to happen.
Speaker 1:And then what we hear is oh, we had a baby and now I never get it. That's where it starts, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I think you're right.
Speaker 1:It should remain constant.
Speaker 2:You should strive to keep it constant.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, absolutely, because that is like the glue that keeps couples together, along with all the other areas of intimacy, but this is important one, and the biggest the big, one of the biggest myths, the final which we left for the grand finale. What? That's the grand finale.
Speaker 2:What is it?
Speaker 1:Talking about sex will ruin the mood.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like people feel like, oh, if we talk about it it'll, it'll ruin the mood, It'll sound stupid.
Speaker 1:Doesn't that start the mood? Yes, Like wait, I'm trying to wrap my mind around this one. Talking about sex will ruin the mood. Why? Well, actually, there's a lot of people that would agree with that. Well, think about it though, like that's because their spouse doesn't have a positive mindset about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's what I would that's exactly what I was going to say is like for a lot of spouses, if they bring up sex, that's immediately going to kill the deal. Right, and and absolutely and so. But what really should happen is, the more you're talking about sex, expect expectations, things like that the better it should get.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 2:I mean I talk about sex all the time.
Speaker 1:But I think for most men talking about sex like gets them in the mood, so that's definitely 100% a myth, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would. I would say that 100% should be a myth, Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Okay, so now that we're done with our list, right? Those are the myths. Those are the myths and I think that this whole entire podcast episode comes down to. To have a amazing sexual intimacy, you have to, number one, have a positive mindset and number two, you have to talk to each other about it. Yeah, like every one of those will be fixed if you do those two things right.
Speaker 2:Agreed.
Speaker 1:So I'm just going to share a couple of. If you go onto the Ultimate Intimacy app under the conversation starters and then you go into intimate conversations, these are the kind of questions that are going to pop up for you to talk about, and I just wanted to share a couple examples because I think it's really important to be able to look at your spouse and and ask this question and to be able to have a conversation about these things. Like if you're not at that place, I challenge you to get to the place where these questions aren't even going to shock you.
Speaker 2:Is that a right way to put it? Absolutely.
Speaker 1:So I'm just going to name a few in there. I'm just going to flip through a couple. What are your thoughts on scheduling sex? I think scheduling sex is no, I'm not asking you, I'm just, I'm just telling the annual price you want to tell me. Okay?
Speaker 2:I think it's extremely important to make time.
Speaker 1:Is there such a thing as too much sexual intimacy? What's your favorite thing to do in the bedroom sexually? Do you like to be touched softly, slowly or gently, or fast and strong as a couple? What are our sexual strengths? What about our weaknesses? What is your favorite time to be intimate? Do you like spontaneous or have time to prepare? Do you prefer sexual intimacy of you quick or to really take our time? And I'm going to just end on one more. Is our sexual intimacy and connection better when we're both being vulnerable?
Speaker 1:That is just a small amount of the conversation starters on the intimate conversations on the app, and we added this section of the app years into the app because we realized you cannot have an amazing sex life without talking about these kind of things, and so this was added to just throw the questions out, for you to be able to be like, let's rip that bandaid off, have these conversations, because I can promise you it took us a long time to get to this point, a long time, but I could flip through every single one of these. Now I'm just going through them and it gets. I mean talks about foreplay, romantic connection. After, how do you feel about toys?
Speaker 2:Well, and you could see how each one of these could lead to a deep conversation that you're probably going to find things out that you didn't know Absolutely, I mean I bet you most of these like even if you and I talked about, we'd probably learn some new things.
Speaker 1:I bet we would. I think we need to jump on these later, but I like it.
Speaker 1:It doesn't mean you have to go have sex because you jump on and start talking about sex like the last one You'd need. This is important to even just sit down at the table a dinner table and go like if you're like I don't want it to lead to anything, I just want to have this conversation, to be able to sit down and have honest, mature, deep conversations about these things. I think that can completely change your intimate life If you are willing to be honest and vulnerable and have these conversations. I think it's a game changer.
Speaker 2:Totally agree. I think that's a great, great way to end. So don't let these myths keep you from having the sexual intimacy that you desire. Have that good, open and honest communication with each other and talk about sex Really, really learn the strengths and weaknesses and everything when it comes to sexual intimacy and your relationship, and I think you'll see your relationship overall just really get to a really good place, so 100%.
Speaker 2:Anyways, we hope you enjoyed the podcast. Please feel free to shoot us an email If you have any thoughts or comments, as we love getting those, and also, if you feel comfortable doing so, please leave us a review. As I said this 10,000 times before, with the amount of people that listen to the podcast, we should have a ton of reviews, and I know it's sometimes an uncomfortable thing to leave a review when talking about you know different things.
Speaker 1:You can leave it on nominanonymously. Yeah, but please consider leaving us a review.
Speaker 2:Let us know what you think and until next time, we hope all of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.