For most couple's, talking about sex is a very difficult thing to do. It often times turns into an argument and can cause even more of a disconnect in the relationship. If you are one of these couples, you are not alone and will see from our poll that most couples have a hard time talking about sexual intimacy in their relationship. But consider this, if something causes an argument in your marriage, that means it is a problem. And if you have a problem, wouldn't that make it even more important to talk about so it doesn't become a bigger problem, or you can eliminate the problem in your relationship?
Most couples just don't know where to begin or how to approach it the right way. Trust us, we were one of these couples for the first 15 years of our marriage.
In this episode, we share the secrets on how to master the art of having intimate conversations, and transform your relationship. After listening to this episode, you are going to want to have these type of intimate conversations together all the time :)
If you haven't already, go check out the Ultimate Intimacy App in the app stores, or at ultimateintimacy.com to find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your marriage. It's FREE to download and so much fun! Find out why over 650,000 couples have downloaded the app and give it such high ratings and reviews!
WANT AMAZING PRODUCTS TO SPICE THINGS UP? YES PLEASE... CLICK HERE
The Ultimate Intimacy Sexual Intimacy Marriage Course can be found HERE
The Intimacy and Adventure Marriage Retreat to connect on a deeper level as a couple! Find out more at https://ultimateintimacy.com/retreats/
Follow us on Instagram @ultimateintimacyapp for app updates, polls, giveaways, daily marriage quotes and more.
If you have any feedback, comments or topics you would like to hear on future episodes, reach out to us at amy@ultimateintimacy.com and let us know! We greatly appreciate your feedback and please leave us a review.
For most couple's, talking about sex is a very difficult thing to do. It often times turns into an argument and can cause even more of a disconnect in the relationship. If you are one of these couples, you are not alone and will see from our poll that most couples have a hard time talking about sexual intimacy in their relationship. But consider this, if something causes an argument in your marriage, that means it is a problem. And if you have a problem, wouldn't that make it even more important to talk about so it doesn't become a bigger problem, or you can eliminate the problem in your relationship?
Most couples just don't know where to begin or how to approach it the right way. Trust us, we were one of these couples for the first 15 years of our marriage.
In this episode, we share the secrets on how to master the art of having intimate conversations, and transform your relationship. After listening to this episode, you are going to want to have these type of intimate conversations together all the time :)
If you haven't already, go check out the Ultimate Intimacy App in the app stores, or at ultimateintimacy.com to find "Ultimate Intimacy" in your marriage. It's FREE to download and so much fun! Find out why over 650,000 couples have downloaded the app and give it such high ratings and reviews!
WANT AMAZING PRODUCTS TO SPICE THINGS UP? YES PLEASE... CLICK HERE
The Ultimate Intimacy Sexual Intimacy Marriage Course can be found HERE
The Intimacy and Adventure Marriage Retreat to connect on a deeper level as a couple! Find out more at https://ultimateintimacy.com/retreats/
Follow us on Instagram @ultimateintimacyapp for app updates, polls, giveaways, daily marriage quotes and more.
If you have any feedback, comments or topics you would like to hear on future episodes, reach out to us at amy@ultimateintimacy.com and let us know! We greatly appreciate your feedback and please leave us a review.
You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship. We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life. Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun. The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
Speaker 2:Mastering the art of having intimate conversations and why this is a must for your marriage with the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy, and today's going to be probably one of the most important episodes you can listen to. We've only had like 55 other episodes on this subject, but we're going to try to make this more interesting more exciting, more helpful.
Speaker 1:No, this one is totally different and I love the title because it says Mastering the Art of Having Intimate Conversations. If you really think about that title, it must be an art, because nobody's doing it.
Speaker 2:And I want to master it. You want to master it, I would like to master it, I want to master it.
Speaker 1:Do you guys want to master this, because this is probably one of the most important things you can do for your marriage.
Speaker 2:This is a podcast episode that I really want to master the subject. So, amy, take over, teach us how to master this subject.
Speaker 1:She's so funny.
Speaker 2:No, actually we do. Amy and I can talk about sex pretty openly.
Speaker 1:We can now, but it took us 15 years. So if you're not, we totally understand where you're coming from. It's hard.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for a long time this was a subject that was off limits.
Speaker 1:It wasn't off limits, they were just embarrassed. What I'm?
Speaker 2:saying is yeah, it wasn't off limits. It's just, we never did it, we were embarrassed. I don't know how to bring that up.
Speaker 1:I felt like we were really close, but we grew up not talking much about sex in our upbringings. Our parents didn't much our faith it wasn't talked about, and so it was really hard to rip that bandaid off and get to the conversations right.
Speaker 2:And it's still sometimes uncomfortable.
Speaker 1:It's still hard to be like. I want you to do this and this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:I don't want to.
Speaker 2:Like the other night, amy's like what do you want?
Speaker 1:And I'm like I don't really want to tell you I just want to be with you. I could tell he's still scared. It's fine.
Speaker 2:Well, it's hard. It's hard to say, oh, this is what I would like, but I end up getting this wrong. We still have those conversations. It's still hard for everybody, but yeah, that's all we're saying is, sometimes it's still a little uncomfortable, but you still have to talk about it.
Speaker 1:Okay, I'm just going to jump into the poll real fast because this is going to tell you, kind of like, what this episode is going to be about, because we are making it different than every other. This is not just on communication. This is going to be really how to have the discussion right. We all know what's important to talk about.
Speaker 2:So how do we do it?
Speaker 1:How to do it, how to make it easier. We asked our audience do you have conversations about your intimate life together? That's the question. Okay, question of the day. I gave the answers Once a week. It's very important. 23% said that one Once a month. Probably 30% Once a year. Not often enough. 23% and never we need help. 24%.
Speaker 1:So half it's all around a quarter and half of the audience is never or less than once a year. That means 50% probably does not have a good intimate life because they don't talk about it, because we know to have a really good. I mean we always had a good intimate life but it got better when we started talking about it Like a really good intimate life.
Speaker 2:There's always going to be exceptions, but for the majority of the 50%, for 49% of the 50% I don't know what it is, but the majority of the 50% if they're not talking about sex, their sex life most likely isn't what it can be or should be, or might be non-existent. Or might be non-existent. Yeah, if you're not talking about it, it's not going to probably be a great thing, or it's not going to improve.
Speaker 1:And we're not talking about. What do you want to do tonight? What kind?
Speaker 2:of position. Do you want to train?
Speaker 1:at, that's not what we're talking about. Yeah, that's important too, but we're talking about deeper stuff, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:So I then asked our audience conversations about being intimate. Who in your marriage doesn't want to talk about it?
Speaker 2:Can you guess the answer oh, it's going to be mostly the wives that don't want to talk about it, because if we just go off libido unless we say we say 70%, 80% of the wives are the lower libido, it's probably mostly the wives saying I don't want to talk about it 20% wife, 20% husband.
Speaker 1:I guarantee the 20% husbands either sex is already great for them so they don't need to talk about it, or they're the ones with the low drive in their marriage and don't want to talk about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the 20% are most likely the low drive and they don't want to talk about it Low drive husband. Because you're not going to find many husbands that wouldn't want to talk about sex unless it's creating a conflict or they're the lower desire.
Speaker 1:You just hit it on the head, though, unless it's creating a conflict, and that's what we're going to jump into. If less than monthly, why don't you talk about this more often? Okay, here's some of our answers. I'm going to read them kind of quick.
Speaker 1:Always has an excuse, planned, never follows through, gets defensive, unwilling to discuss. I bring it up and it's lacking terribly in our marriage. What can I do for him? But he doesn't ask it back. So that would be a situation where it's one-sided Either wife try to talk, but he takes it as something he's not doing right. I get an I don't know type of answer and that's the end of it, or he feels bad, but nothing changes. Wife gets upset and shuts the conversation down. Like you just said, wife gets agitated whenever it's brought up. I think it's because of critique of how I'm not good enough. When I try harder, I get told why do you have to make it awkward and just talk about it? Can't we just be grateful and be done with it? She thinks everything is good just the way it is.
Speaker 2:Yeah so.
Speaker 1:That's a good, they'll stop on that one.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if you're, I mean, think about it. If you're a spouse that just absolutely doesn't desire it, you're going to think things are good the way they are. I'm happy with the way things are, I don't need it. Therefore, we don't need to do it, talk about it. We don't need to talk about it.
Speaker 1:Or maybe their intimate life is fine, but he would like it to be better and she's just fine with it. Right, it still needs to be talked about. Both people have to be happy. It causes more trouble. She won't let me talk about it. She's uncomfortable talking about sex.
Speaker 1:My spouse gets upset. It becomes a conversation about how tired or stressed she is. I get stonewalled. She gets angry and shuts down. My husband changes the subject. She gets upset. My wife says all you are to think about is sex. Let's see. Always ends up feeling like I should have known better. Always turns into an awkward argument. It turns into an argument. I get lots of those. I'm just going to skim through all these. Okay, here's one to stop on. Purity culture killed the passion in my wife. Actually, we don't even talk about that because we're going to do an entire episode on that. If you were taught that sex was bad, bad, bad, and then you get married and you're like, oh, now it's good. You've been taught your whole life that sex is bad, it's going to be really hard to turn that switch on. We're going to talk about that more.
Speaker 1:My wife thinks it's not something a good Christian woman should talk about. It took me having a total breakdown in our marriage for her to realize how important this is to me. When I bring it up, all she nags about is all I think about is sex. I could just go on and on and on. They don't stop. It's all the same thing. I don't want to talk about it. She gets mad. I don't want to talk about it. I guess my big question is why is the starting a fight? If something is important to your spouse, it should be important to you, and sexual intimacy is very important for a marriage, or men want to get married.
Speaker 1:Right why would men get married and have a passionate, romantic first-year marriage or six months or two years or whatever it is, and Then be okay with it stopping Like no one signs up for that?
Speaker 2:and that's all. The messages we get is always great at first, and then she it's completely stopped.
Speaker 1:It's, it's like, let's, let's reverse that and I know that some women and some men have the higher drives like we get that. Let's reverse that. Say, you get married to your spouse and they are so romantic, so compassionate, so kind, so respectful, and then a year into the marriage, your spouse gets verbally abusive or cuts off the emotional connection or the romance, 100% stops, like just oh, we're married, now I don't need to do anything. Same thing, right.
Speaker 2:It would be very frustrating. You're like this is.
Speaker 1:This is not what I chose. This is yeah, this is not what we signed up for and it's even harder for the people that that aren't intimate before marriage, which a lot of Christians wait to get married. So you kind of have no idea what's what you're getting into, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you hope, you hope you're. The intimacy is gonna be awesome and amazing, but you really have no idea. It's that big leap of faith.
Speaker 1:It's a massive leap of faith for a lot of people, and so, absolutely this is why this episode is so important. Talking about this Expectations, realistic expectations, the whole purity culture thing, like how are you raised we? I mean these conversations are so important.
Speaker 2:Well, and the great thing too, is, in these conversations it's not going to be well, I want this, so you need to give me all of what I want, or vice versa. Right, like You're, neither Spouse is going to get everything they want, but but it's a compromise, right? So you sit down and you say okay, and and I'm sure for most couples it's the first thing that's gonna cup. It come up as hey, I'm not happy with the amount of time we're having sexual intimacy. I would like it more. And the other spouse is saying why I don't want it that often, I want it less, I want it less.
Speaker 2:So, sitting down and having that conversation, saying okay, why, here's why I really want to make love. And listening to your spouse and hearing their reasons saying, okay, what can we do to find a balance? You know, and I mean that this is exactly what we did, right, like I, I would love to make love to Amy every single day, but I also recognize that's not, that's not realistic in our relationship, it's not fair to her, and and so you know, we sit down and we say okay, what, what works for both of us, what's something we both can live with? Right, and you know we find that balance in our relationship and whatever we do in our relationship might look completely different for another couple in their relationship. The key is is to find a balance that you both can live with and that balance has to be respected.
Speaker 1:and there's usually a deeper reason for that balance, because in our marriage Nick's like I don't want you to just do it, I want you to want it, I want you to enjoy it, and that's what all husbands say, right like it's not about the physical release or the physical pleasure.
Speaker 1:It's about being emotionally, sexually, all intertwined, like I want you to want it and I'm and I told them this is the honest conversation we have. I'm not gonna want it like that every day. If you want me to want it, you have to give me a few days to want to connect sexually. And that's where that discussion came, and it got deeper and deeper and we were able to talk about things why and that's what all comes down to is that? Why like? Why do you feel like that? Why do I feel like that? How do we make both of those important?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:So let's jump into the next part, which is why it's so important to have these intimate conversations we're talking about, and then we're gonna get into after that what intimate conversations look like, and it's not, how often, what position. There's deeper things than that. We're gonna talk about those.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely love it. But I think, first off, like you know and again, like we always say, we're talking as we're talking about this, we're talking about couples that have good relationship, as if you're on the listening end and you're saying you know what you're saying. I don't like what you're saying because my husband has done things to lose trust or he's Not kind to me. We're not talking to. We're talking to the couples that have good relationships and are looking to make the Relationship even better. Yeah, so I mean that's, that's what we're getting at, right?
Speaker 1:Right. If there's a deeper issue that's have like resentment or major barriers, you got to break those down first.
Speaker 2:Yes. So let's just kind of go through and kind of establish what, what kind of the guidelines are, I guess, so to speak. But the first thing is you have to have trust in the relationship. If you don't have trust, it's gonna be virtually impossible to have these Intimate conversations where you're sharing your desires, your concerns, your fears, your you know everything. Without trust, that really can't happen. So again, number one foundation is is having a marriage where you feel like you have that trust and vulnerability and that you really can be honest about how you feel and you know back and forth with each other and I think the episode a couple Couple back about the prerequisites to emotional intimacy.
Speaker 1:I think those are what kind of built that trust? Yeah so that number two, thirty six, was a great talking about what should already be there and how to build that trust.
Speaker 2:First, for sure, for sure. And then you know, really communicate openly and I know that just sounds like oh, so easy to do, but a lot of times we don't communicate openly, especially around subjects that are pretty difficult like you just admitted.
Speaker 1:You said I like a couple nights ago, what do you want to do tonight Sexually? He's like I just want to be with you, but I know deep down inside he probably has something you really wanted to try or, or his favorite thing to do, or something that sounded good. And and that's where we're saying is, it's hard for everybody, it's hard to be vulnerable and honest, because spouses, especially like in long to, where you've been married quite a while, it's easy to offend, it's easy to annoy. It can start things right because when that newness wears off, you're more like I don't want to say walking on eggshells, because no one should ever have to feel like that, but sometimes we do, it's normal, right, yeah?
Speaker 2:and I think going back to communicating openly and we've shared this in previous podcasts, if you've listened to us for a long time but I remember I'd be like hey, babe, you want a nice back rub tonight? She's like I know what that means. I'm like, yeah, I'd love to give you a back rub. She's like no, I know what that means. You want to make love tonight? I said, well, yeah, I'd love to make love tonight. She's like then, just tell me you want to make love to me. I was like oh, okay, I'd like to make love to you. Okay.
Speaker 2:So I say that jokingly but Honestly, like that was my way of saying okay, what if I get rejected? Maybe this is a soft way to kind of approach it. No, but what I'm saying is like it's funny because even Like this is just normal for for pretty much everyone, sometimes it's going to be a little bit uncomfortable. But when Amy said, just tell me we want to make love, okay, hey, babe, I love to make love tonight. Oh, okay, like sometimes we kind of sidestep and we don't tell our spouse Exactly, you know, or we we think that they should know what we're talking about if we're sending those cues.
Speaker 1:But really just communicate really open and be very direct and just have that open and honest discussion and We'll and we're gonna tell you like how to get to that point where you can have those, because that is not easy to do when You're not talking about sex often. Right, like, like in that poll, those 50% that only even talk about intimate things like less than once a year are not gonna have conversations like that. Correct, like baby steps, right, baby steps. So, yeah, we'll get to that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then the next important thing is actively listening. A lot of times and I'm totally guilty of this you guys hear me in the podcast that I like to talk a lot. Sometimes I just need to shut up and listen and it's easy, when you want to try to convey something, to Just be talking, talking, talking. But you really need to pay attention to your spouse's behavior and their words and body language and so you know kind of an empathy or understanding to how they feel and really listening to how they feel, especially with a topic like this.
Speaker 1:So an example would be Nick's like I would love to make love every day or every other day, and so that's where I get to chime in and be like let me tell you why, if we did every day, how that would affect our relationship, I wouldn't look as forward to it. I mean, we had a really good conversation on it.
Speaker 2:We did because I wanted me to enjoy making love. I don't want to just lay in there, I want it to be a great thing for you. So I'm like, okay, that makes sense, like I want it to be desirable for you as well, and so yeah, so you got to have those conversations.
Speaker 1:I like the next one, which is using I statements instead of like you statements. And that's important in every aspect of the relationship, but in this case, I love it when you do this, or I love it when we do this, instead of, well, you don't do this or you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Think of this simple question and how if I were to just approach it just with you, and I if I said you never want to make love to me, okay, how would that be taken right? That could cause an argument.
Speaker 1:I feel like you're putting on me. It's all my fault.
Speaker 2:Exactly Versus. I feel like we don't make love enough in our relationship.
Speaker 1:That's a totally different way to approach it, or I would love to make more love more often, because, because you are so hot.
Speaker 2:Yes, exactly, that's exactly what I was going to say.
Speaker 1:That's what you see we're doing.
Speaker 2:We're doing this in front of a big audience, okay. So just just how you approach things can be a complete game changer, instead of putting it oh, this is your spouse's fault, it's hey, this is the way I feel, and here's why.
Speaker 1:And then, listening, you're exactly right, turn it into a compliment.
Speaker 2:I would like a blame game.
Speaker 1:Turn it into a compliment Like I, you. He's gonna look at me and laugh because he's like you would never say that to me. Okay, maybe you'd say it to me. You look amazing, Like I am in awe of your stunning handsomeness. I can't wait to rip those clothes off. Okay, let's pause this Please make love more Okay we'll be back at 30 minutes, Okay maybe that's like what the women I'm giving advice to the women your husband would love that Right.
Speaker 2:I'm Amy, and I are the only ones in the room when I think I'm blushing.
Speaker 1:Okay, perfect, okay, next one, we're gonna move on.
Speaker 2:And explore together. Yeah, so this is another great thing, like talk about things together and what you want to try and explore together, rather than it being I want this or you know I want this. Like hey, what are some things that we can do to you know, spice things up. Or what are some things we can do to be in the mood more often for sexual intimacy? What are some things I can do, sweetie, to have you be in the mood to make love more often?
Speaker 1:Like or okay, most women would probably agree with this one. What can I do to help you, not help you, because it's both our jobs. What can I do or what? How can I be more observant to what's going on with the family and with the house? Help me to be more observant, like is there things that I'm missing that will help take something off your plate, or what can we do is a couple to make more time for sexual intimacy, because our both both amnesia.
Speaker 2:My life is very busy, like this never shuts down. We're constantly 24 seven getting emails, like we literally are not working. Nine to five we're always working. But having said that, I mean I are like, okay, what can we do to make prioritize intimate time? You know we talk about that.
Speaker 1:We're like okay, and sometimes intimate time might be in the morning, Sometimes intimate time might be at night, whatever it is like sometimes, with a house full of teenagers, it's at one in the morning when they finally go to bed at night. Sometimes that has to be a priority.
Speaker 2:But the key is is we talk about it together and we make it a priority because we know it's that important.
Speaker 1:Okay, so let me give you a situation, just so you know that we're real human beings and there there are times where we get frustrated. So hopefully this isn't too much information. But, like last, wednesday was Valentine's Day, we had an intimate night, which I'm hopefully a lot of you did, and then, of course, three days later, nick's feeling it right. This would put us like, I think, friday well, you already feel it at Friday.
Speaker 2:I felt like it was Valentine's week, so I think I just wanted to celebrate it every day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so by Friday's, like let's be intimate, I can't remember, but it was like a really late night. I think our daughter had a dance or something. I can't remember what was going on and I'm just like okay, instead of like our last episode on this, how to reject in a healthy ways. Tonight's not the best night. It's been a long day. Let's try tomorrow. But then tomorrow came and I was like okay, but actually my mom is taking both the girls on Sunday night. Would it be okay if Sunday night we made it a priority and now and that led to a conversation because he didn't feel like it was being neglected or he was being neglected or whatever. Am I saying that right?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Anyway, those are the kind of conversations that need to be had all the time.
Speaker 2:And it was actually like oh, now I get to look forward to Sunday night.
Speaker 1:That's why you're pushing it off, because Sunday is going to be awesome, yeah, so, anyways, just for the higher drive spouse. It's really important for the lower drive spouse to explain things and explain their feelings, like we talked in the last episode. Right, I'm getting off subject.
Speaker 2:So when I really love this next one is educate yourselves. Take the time to not only learn about your own bodies but, you know, also take the time to learn about how your spouse's body works, like I would guess. I don't know, we haven't really had this conversation, but I would guess Amy's probably learned a lot more about how men's bodies work in general since we built the app and we've had to study a bunch of things and I think then she's like oh, I didn't realize. But after hearing all this these men say this, all these polls, all these things this is how a man feels, right, and now I understand how Nick feels, which maybe I didn't understand before, and vice versa.
Speaker 2:So, really, jump on the ultimate intimacy app and we have the great section, the resource section, that talks about anatomy and the clitoris and different things. Like, really like, dive in and educate yourselves about each other's bodies, your cycles, how your body. Are you a responsive desire? Are you a spontaneous desire? Understand, get to know and study each other in depth and understand how each other works, and that really can be very beneficial and understanding. Okay, this is how our sex life is going to look like and it doesn't need to look like So-and-so's or whatever like, because we're unique. This is what we've learned about each other and this is how it's gonna be best for us.
Speaker 1:Absolutely Love it, so important.
Speaker 2:Set boundaries. I think that's a big thing. Boundaries can be in so many aspects. It could be setting boundaries like to what you're comfortable with, what you're allowed to talk, to talk about or not talk about like Amy and.
Speaker 2:I have boundaries, like and I think our boundaries are the Same like there's just certain sexual things like nope, this is a hard no, I will never ask you to do this. You don't ever have to have me have be worried about me asking you to do this advice first. So we, we have boundaries and our sexual intimacy like we will do this, we won't do this, and Hard, no hard, yes, hard, no, yeah. And that's gonna look different for everyone as well.
Speaker 1:So and I think that builds trust. I think you have to have that conversation about what's a hard no, what's a yes, and so that you don't even like push that line and boundaries could also be like you know, what kind of movies are we gonna watch or not watch?
Speaker 2:Absolutely what kind of things are we gonna read or not read? And why yeah, what kind of what kind of things are we gonna allow in the bedroom and not allow in the bedroom? And, and you know, absolutely I've talked about a lot of those things right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, go back and listen to our boundaries episodes. They're good. Yeah okay, being patient and understanding always. You just have to realize it's so funny because so many women are like I. All you think about is sex. All you think about is sex to a lot of their husbands, that's. That was a lot of the comments, right?
Speaker 2:And we do.
Speaker 1:We think about sex all the time, but you can't, unless you've been your spouse, which you haven't been ever. You can't tell your spouse how they're feeling like you can't argue feelings. So same thing with, like the human body, right? I've never been a man, so I can't say I know how he's feeling or how he works. I can't do that and he can't tell me how my body works or how I'm feeling. So I think that once you really like grasp that that's where patients and understanding come from, because I'm like I, I'm trying to be understanding, because I'm not you and I can't be you and I don't have a body like you.
Speaker 2:So I could only learn from you, right, and I have to be patient, understand me because of that and if you trust each other, if you fully trust each other, this should be a good conversation to have, because if you, if I trust what Amy's telling me, I feel this way, this, this is how my body reacts or works, and Amy's listening to me, and if you trust each other, then you're going to Understand and have that empathy and say, oh okay, I, you know, I understand, I understand why you need to connect. Like I Think I've said this before, but I'm a physical touch person. So even like giving Amy a back rub that this might sound selfish, but that's Probably more so for me, right? Like I'm able to touch her and give her a massage, and like that fulfills my physical touch as well too, and so the win-win, like, yeah, just talk about those things and and you know why you have the desires, that you have, or maybe that you don't have the desires Just be open with each other.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Also, it's important to seek professional help if needed, and I want to be. How do I say this in a nice way? I think it's really, really, really important to be very careful about whose help you're seeking. And how do I? How do I say this without getting too?
Speaker 1:Keep it short. Like some marriage therapists are amazing, very professional, are amazing. Some are not.
Speaker 2:I guess the bottom line. I'm just gonna say this if you go, if you're going to a marriage therapist that's a woman that's had bad experiences in her marriage about sex and she thinks men are the worst thing in the world and you're going to her to figure out how to have a better sex life, do you think you're going to get the right information? No, you're gonna get her point of view, and We've had people tell us this that, oh, the therapist just says too bad deal with it. You need to forget about it. Yeah, like that, don't approach the problem. You're like are you kidding me? Like you need to be talking about this. So you really need to be careful about who you're getting professional help from. What that? What are their experiences in the subject that you're talking about and you know? Are they going to Give you Correct information or are they going to give you their opinion based upon the things that they've been through?
Speaker 1:and are they wanting to help Fix the problem or they just trying to make money off you? There's a lot of therapists that will just dive deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper and cause more issues so that it lasts longer. And then there's therapists that say, okay, there's a point where your past and stuff needs to shut the door and you need to heal. And then we need to fix the problem because someone that really wants to help you wants you to stop therapy eventually. Right, like that's a good good away.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we know some people that have been to therapy for like five or six years and we're like Okay, you've been there five or six years and you got nothing to show for it, right, like? So yeah, like Amy said too, are they gonna be able to help you get over Whatever you're dealing with, or is it going to lead for just long term where you're?
Speaker 1:and sometimes people need a long time. Yeah, we're not saying they don't, and some people have a lot of baggage. They do need to get through and that's okay. We all everyone has their own traumas and their own things that they need to heal from. My, the entire point is, when you pick a therapist, make sure that they're trying to help you heal and get better, not keep you, not keep you safe.
Speaker 2:Exactly trying to say and I think the last last one's really important too Goes in line with the poll is regular check ins.
Speaker 2:How often do you talk about sex? So having those conversations whether it's weekly or monthly, whatever it is sitting down and talking about these things on a regular basis, whatever that means for your marriage, versus, you know, just completely ignoring it or sweeping it under the rug. And we hear people you know, you heard in some of those responses and I think this is pretty common is oh, we don't want, I don't want to talk about it because it causes an argument. Well, if it causes an argument, that probably means that something pretty important to talk about and and figure out and resolve. So instead of looking at it and saying it causes an argument, therefore we're not gonna talk about it, I would look at it and say it causes an argument, therefore we need to talk about it so that it won't cause an argument moving forward in the future. So have those conversations. And if it does cause an argument, that's even the more reason you need to have these conversations.
Speaker 1:There is a deeper issue.
Speaker 2:if you're still arguing about that, so I think one of the common things and I think this is you've heard, as we've talked about this as well too is it's not a comfortable thing to talk about, like how do we just bring it up? What's the best way to start these conversations and have these types of conversations? And that is exactly why we built the app. If there's many times and I'm like I don't know, I didn't want to bring this up to Amy but if the app is bringing up this and you're just reading from the app and saying, okay, the app is telling me to ask you this question, then you're able to dive into these tough topics in a very fun and easy way.
Speaker 1:And remember, we work with a ton of professional marriage therapists. When this was put together, a ton of professional therapists endorse our app Like these questions are good questions, right, good questions. So the whole point, the thing that I want to talk about most on the app right now to end this podcast, is the intimate conversations. This is why we added. We added this what Like a few years into the app, because we realized how important this aspect was. Want me to share a few.
Speaker 2:Yeah, let's just share a few and then we can talk about so again, think of, as she's sharing these, think of how maybe hard this would be to bring up on your own, but when you're reading it from the app, how easy it is to start talking about so.
Speaker 1:I'm just going to share like 10 of the intimate conversations from the app. If you go into the app and you go under conversation starters and scroll down, you'll see the tab that says intimate conversations and, like he said, this is just like. Here you go. The app's telling me to read it. This to you let's just rip the band-aid off.
Speaker 2:Let's start a conversation.
Speaker 1:Let's just start a conversation on this. This is so much easier than trying to come up with questions, because a lot of couples are like I don't even know where to start, I don't even know what to ask, like I literally don't even know what this conversation looks like. We have fixed that problem. Intimate conversation number one Do you like to be spontaneous with sex or have time to prepare for it? What a great conversation to have.
Speaker 2:So yeah, this is what it would look like.
Speaker 1:So she reads the question and I would be like would you like to be spontaneous or have time to prepare?
Speaker 2:You know, actually I like both, like it's kind of fun to have the time to think about it and let it build up when you say, hey, I want to make love tonight. I really like having that kind of build up and things like that. But then occasionally I like to be spontaneous as well. So yeah, it just depends what about you?
Speaker 1:I would say that I like to have time to prepare for it. For some reason, I really like to be able to prepare mentally and physically. I like to be able to shower, get my body ready, feel clean. That's important to me. So, even though I do like what you said spontaneous is good once in a while too, so right.
Speaker 2:there we just solved what could be a big issue in a lot of marriages, right? So a lot of women have said I just I get nervous that it's spontaneous, I feel like I'm not prepared, I'm not clean. But if you're a couple that's not talking about it, you're a husband that has no idea. So what she just said to me is now oh okay, she likes to have time to get ready. So immediately I could say hey, sweetie, would you like to make love tonight? And that immediately gives her the time to get ready, to get ready mentally, physically, things like that, right.
Speaker 1:And that also helps with rejection, because, instead of me, when he him trying to be spontaneous and I'm just like, oh, not right now, he already knows how I feel about being spontaneous. And in this case he's like, oh, she just needs to shower and get ready. And if I didn't say that, he already knew that, even though it's important to be like, this is why I would rather have it a little more scheduled.
Speaker 2:So listen to all this. That one question, just talking about it for a minute, resolved a lot of things, Okay.
Speaker 1:Question number two what specific ways would you like me to initiate sex? Words, texts, actions, love notes, et cetera.
Speaker 2:Anyway, anyway, just yeah. Any way to initiate would be amazing. I love getting texts or whatever just telling me yeah.
Speaker 1:And I would answer this with I like it when you do it in person, because that gives me a way to respond to you in a loving manner or reject you in a healthy way, like if I'm like oh, maybe not tonight, but tomorrow instead of sometimes and texts are great too, but sometimes in a verbal way we can express like more details about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, awesome, okay yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm not. I'm going to skip that one. It's a little personal. There's some good personal ones too. Is it uncomfortable for you to discuss our sex life together, and why?
Speaker 2:Not really anymore. I feel it's pretty comfortable. We can talk about pretty much anything.
Speaker 1:And I feel like it was really uncomfortable at like year 15, but I feel like we've gotten a lot better at it and I feel like our sex life has improved because of that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree. So, yeah, I would say I feel we both kind of feel like it's easy to talk about now.
Speaker 1:Okay. Do you feel that technology has a negative impact on our sexual intimacy?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would say sometimes it does, and just because our work hours, sometimes we're up late night posting a video or doing things like that when it would be awesome to be able to connect. But I also understand that that's what is required of us. So, how do you feel about it?
Speaker 1:I 100% agree with you. I feel like I could do better at if I do have to get on social media or technology at night, to either tell you why I'm doing it and explain it more, and then get do it as fast as I can, or at least so you know that I'm working and I'm not just like trying to ignore our intimate time.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And you can see how that conversation could get more vulnerable and be like this is why I feel like, this is why I do this and that's just a great conversation to have. Let's just do a couple more. How do you feel about sex toys or things that enhance our sexual intimacy?
Speaker 2:So I was really nervous about that at first. I think I could express to you that I was afraid that the toy would kind of take over. You would enjoy that more than me, right? But as we figured out a way to incorporate the sex toy into our love making, where we can still make love and be making love and the sex toys kind of just in addition to make it more pleasurable for you, I really feel like this has totally changed our sexual intimacy in an amazing way. And now I almost couldn't imagine you know, not having it right, like I really I'm. I think it's amazing, I love it and I know you enjoy sexual intimacy more because of it as well.
Speaker 1:And I would yeah, I would say that I was hesitant, also because I don't ever want to have something that my body gets used to or or takes away from us actually being intimate together and connecting in that way. But I do think that the one that we tried has enhanced our sexual intimacy for the fact that, instead of just enjoying it at orgasm, I feel like the arousal and the buildup is so much better using it together and I really feel like that's enhanced our love making.
Speaker 2:Well, and I also feel like it takes a little bit of pressure off of me, because most of the time we make love now, like you're finishing before I am, and so because because of that also, like I feel like love-making is even better, because I can focus my attention on pleasing you first and then, yeah, yeah, so you can see how that conversation is important to have Like all of them right?
Speaker 1:I'm just, and this is kind of what a conversation would look like and I feel like every time we have a conversation, we even like, get on here. We ended up with like three conversations because they go so much deeper and they last so much longer, because they usually help us dive into something else.
Speaker 2:And this is being totally honest. Whoever thought a implementing a sex toy would make our intimacy even more unselfish? Right, like that's what's pretty awesome is now my focus, and it was before. But my focus is 100% on like. I want to take care of her and her needs first, before my own, and I know that this tool can help do that in a little bit quicker way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so talking about that's an important conversation to have.
Speaker 2:And you're enjoying it a lot longer. It's an important conversation to have. So let's do one more.
Speaker 1:One more. I'm trying to find one that's not too much info On a scale from one to ten how important is mutual pleasure and satisfaction for in our sexual intimacy?
Speaker 2:A ten for me.
Speaker 1:I would agree with a ten. I want you to enjoy it as much as I enjoy, and I know you feel the same way about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like I wouldn't even enjoy it unless you were enjoying it. Yeah, you were enjoying it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think most people would say that, okay, so I'm just going to read a couple. You obviously can see how the conversation can really help. But what positions would you like to try that we haven't tried yet? How do you feel about oral sex? How can we improve on the romantic connection after sex? That is a great question.
Speaker 2:I'm usually the one that wants to cuddle and Amy's like oh, it's going.
Speaker 1:I'm tired. How do you see our sex life changing over the years? Do you feel like there's anything wrong with transactional sex? Do you feel like we have found a balance with our sexual desire differences? If not, how can we help each other find a better balance? What are your thoughts about love making in places outside the bedroom? Let's do one more as a couple. What are our sexual strengths and what are our sexual weaknesses? There are so many good questions on there. I just I feel like the minute we started having a lot of conversations in this area, I feel like once you get to, I mean, it takes baby steps, like we said, but once you can dive into any one of those questions and just be able to answer it, just be like this is how I feel, and your spouses are respectful, they're like well, this is how I feel. Well, let's have a conversation, a respectful, kind conversation, about this. Once you can do that, you can talk about anything in marriage.
Speaker 2:Well, I think what's awesome is you could see, just by us doing a couple of questions, you can see how this could lead into really wanting to talk about it, like I literally could spend the next hour talking about a lot of those questions right Because it just you can see how it becomes comfortable and you're like, oh, this isn't that difficult, so go utilize those, those questions.
Speaker 2:That's what they're there for, and we really feel like it can really transform your marriage in a relationship, your sexual intimacy together as a couple, like it has for so many other people.
Speaker 1:So if you're one of the couples that marked we have a conversation maybe once a year last or never we challenge you to try to make it monthly, Try to do that check-in that we're talking about. That is literally marriage changing. If you can start talking, if you just tell your spouse, hey, the first Sunday of every month or the first or this certain date every month, can we just get on the intimate conversations and have these conversations, I really think that not just our sex life is going to improve prove, but the emotional connection and emotional intimacy is just going to get so much stronger and deeper. Because a lot of those questions aren't just about sex. They're about how do you feel? Why do you feel that way? Those are the kind of questions. Those deeper questions is what create trust and love and respect and all those deeper feelings? That's emotional intimacy and that's what most women say they need more of, to be able to prioritize that sexual intimacy and just all goes hand in hand.
Speaker 2:Yeah, totally agree. So we hope you enjoyed the podcast today and we'll see you next time.