Trigger warning episode
FIND Cait online at DUE TO JOY for her incredible packages and support resources
https://linkpop.com/duetojoyrainbowco?fbclid=PAAabCwXDnlxV1ROyzAc77R8XHtyzIfUtKPuFJyGaEOMOU9xntfl0_-TdiOa4
Hit me up with any comments, questions at @choosandfashiondoos
Trigger warning episode
FIND Cait online at DUE TO JOY for her incredible packages and support resources
https://linkpop.com/duetojoyrainbowco?fbclid=PAAabCwXDnlxV1ROyzAc77R8XHtyzIfUtKPuFJyGaEOMOU9xntfl0_-TdiOa4
Hit me up with any comments, questions at @choosandfashiondoos
Hey, welcome back to episode number nine of it. Real beauty with AF I hope everyone is having a great week so far. I have been zooming through my end of year checklist. And for everyone that knows me well, enough will know I have crazy OCD. And before the end of the year, I basically. He goes through every single drawer cupboard. Piece of clothing. Everything in the house to try and ensure that I've kind of purged where I need to purge I've tie-dyed I've organized so that I'm going into the next year with like the best karma possible. Um, And honestly the more as like look to analyze it and just seeing my behavior over the last couple of months. I've seen myself kind of start this checklist way earlier than normal. So I have two more doors and I'm done. And it is what the 14th of November. Um, so anyway, I'm definitely had to myself and it just goes to show if there are certain areas of your life that you can't control, you will typically then focus on the areas that you can, which is clearly what I'm doing. Um, This is maybe also why I'm. And we're like shopping habits have been crazy. But anyway, positive thinking I will go into the years saving and in a much better routine. So, I know I mentioned that's kind of one of my resolutions, So, yeah, I'm super, super excited about that. Okay. Before I continue with this podcast, I do want to mention that this potentially may be a trigger warning to anyone that has suffered. loss of a child Ms. Carriage. Maybe you're trying to get pregnant, or you maybe have others in your life that have potentially gone through this. I do want to mention that if this is something that's extra sensitive to you. Feel free to skip this episode and also episode 10. as I do have someone that we. Go into a lot of detail. We discussed kind of the feelings involved. We also kind of discuss in detail kind of what happened to each of us. So, yeah, I do. I just want to mention Secondly. I also just want to acknowledge that when I started this podcast, Gosh, nearly two years ago in January, which is wild. This has been like the best thing I've done. I've enjoyed so much of this. which I know I say all the time and I'm internally grateful to anyone that listens to this pod and that has done since the beginning. Thank you. But when I first started it, I really wanted it to be an outlet for like beauty tips, like bargains to kind of talking about fashion. And then as I continued having discussions it then kind of pivoted to. That internal beauty and inner confidence. And yes, there's a sprinkling of kind of beauty and fashion and kind of other things, but it's also about the individual's journey. So I feel it's kind of evolved, which I love, and I love watching that. But I'm also trying to kind of touch on topics that are close to me. Or it kind of relevant that I know if I was listening to podcasts, it would benefit. So specifically for this one, as I mentioned. We are talking about miscarriage. and also a Kotick pregnancy, which unfortunately happened to me. And I had a cottage pregnancy two months. As of tomorrow, which is crazy. It's also wild how much your body can. Repair itself, but clearly this is something that I continue to deal Daley, um, and try and kind of work through emotionally. And now I am. You know, different. And I go on to speak about this, but different to kind of going through a miscarriage, which actually happens in June. So my poor body has been through a lot for sure this year. Um, but going through that where it is more, yes, there's physical elements and the emotional side of things, but. Now, like when I see myself, when I'm getting dressed, like I, I, I see the scars and they're going to be with me forever. so still trying to kind of deal with that. And I'm more than happy if anyone. Has gone through this or they're going through it. They know someone that's gone through it. I'm happy to assist with whatever questions, conversations. Discussions. Anything. I want to be able to kind of help. This is definitely a sensitive stuff, subject. But I want to talk about it. I don't want to be that person that, you know, my friends don't tell me that they're pregnant or that they're trying for baby. Cause you know, they think I'm going to be upset. It's no, I'm truly happy for other people. But I don't want this to be something that I'm ashamed of because this happens. So the more. I can speak about it, although uncomfortable. It's definitely not a natural kind of positive conversation, but I feel like it's key. And specifically for. You know, this podcast. I went out to kind of my network. Just to kind of see. You know, Who else is out there who kind of provides support. Typically, I will say enjoy. I really enjoyed the conversation, although emotional. But yeah, I hope, it touches you and I hope. That you have a better understanding. If you do know someone that has gone through something similar, and if you have gone through it, I hope you know that you're not alone and there's others out there that care. So, thanks.
francene:Thank you so much. I'm excited about this conversation. Um, how are you doing
Cait:today? I'm doing well. Yeah, it's, it's a good start to the morning. My mom just picked up my daughter, so two free hands. It feels nice. Yeah. How
francene:about you? Um, yeah, it's been a good start. Um, my husband took care of, um, my daughter Luna, so she is out. I do have a, my puppy is sitting outside the door. I know. Eager to be sitting in with me.
Cait:Oh yes, same here. I threw mine in the backyard. I was like, She's gonna be crying and whimpering. I can just tell. So what kind of dog
francene:do you have? She is a 17 week, um, Labradoodle, and she is so stink and cute. I'm like obsessed with her. Um, but she's not like curly hair. She's, she's kind like a little bit scruffy and I love it.
Cait:What's
francene:your name? Uh, her name is Mia Jessica.
Cait:Oh my gosh. That's.
francene:Clearly my daughter named her, and that's why we have to, we have to call her a Mia Jessica
Cait:That's the best when kids name
francene:that. We also have a goldfish called, um, Oh my God. It's something like Purple Earring
Cait:Lollipop. Wow. Oh, you're gonna remember that forever. Oh, for sure. I had a cat named pajamas growing up, so
francene:So cute. What kind dog do you
Cait:have? I have, I think it's mixed, a German Shepherd, some kind of mix, like a Clie or something. Has really fluffy ears, long hair. Big tail. So she's hyper, but so sweet. Her name is Ava.
francene:welcome to Real Beauty with fd, a place where we discuss what beauty means to us, whether it's a product that sells out every second around the world, or a cult classic to discussing body positivity, to building incredible brands. We're here to find your little black dress in skincare makeup, and more importantly, promoting happiness within your own skin and owning it. Each episode, I'm bringing in a new personality, discuss all things, beauty and touch on their inspiring stories. So Ka, welcome to the podcast.
Cait:Yes, thanks for having me. I'm so excited to be
francene:here. Oh my gosh, I'm so excited that you're here. Um, so firstly, I ask every, um, person I interview, what does beauty mean to you?
Cait:So I've been thinking about that. I think the phrase beauty from ashes comes to mind. Um, it's something that's like really not tangible, it's like hard to explain, but basically something beautiful coming out of something painful. Um, that's like what I would say beauty means to.
francene:I love that Um, okay. So I will say just like a little trigger warning for anyone listening to this podcast, um, I know we're gonna be touching on things that are probably more sensitive to individuals. Um, so please just kind of bear that mind as you're listening to both of our stories. For anyone that kind of follows me on Instagram and also with the podcast, I have kind of touched on this, um, In the past. So let me just kinda share why I wanted to do this specific episode. And I will also caveat it is 9:00 AM It is early for this type of discussion. you're diving straight in. Um, so. A couple of months ago, or gosh, it feels like longer. Um, unfortunately I suffered a miscarriage. Um, so it was very early on in my pregnancy. Um, and you know, I have a four and a half year old, so, you know, we, I had a easy pregnancy outside of sickness. Um, no issues. And to be honest, um, I haven't necessarily spoken to any of my friends that have gone through miscarriages. So when this happened, I felt very ignorant. I felt very alone. Um, I didn't truly understand what was happening, why it was happening. Um, it just happened, right? And even just kind of dealing with that early. It was odd to think it's not something we discussed. It's not something I can go to my friends and be like, Hey, I was pregnant for a hot minute. Yay. And now this happened. So we, we don't speak about it, nor do we promote speaking about it. Um, And then unfortunately I then got pregnant again, so, Yay. All good. Um, and then I had, uh, pregnancy, which again, I felt very ignorant to who knew this happened? Um, again, it was very early and it was this exact same symptoms as a miscarriage, so it was about seven, eight weeks. Mm-hmm. Um, but what it means is the baby or the embryo. Is growing in the wrong location and for me it was on one of my fallopian tubes on the right side. And like there was a lot of pain, obviously not to be gory, clearly a lot of blood and I wasn't sure what was happening. And I went back and forth to the hospital, I wanna say like five visits. They, they couldn't clarify what it was, so we left it so long that it ruptured. Oh, and then because of that, I ended up then having emergency surgery where they had to remove my right fallopian tube. So this happened about a month and a half ago. So I still feel kind of raw about it. I still have the scars. Obviously, they're gonna stay with me forever. But again, it's a conversation that I debated. Thinking, do I speak about this or do I leave it the same way? I left the miscarriage and then I thought, why would I not speak about this? Like, it's a significant thing that happened. It's sad, of course, and you know, now it's trying to maneuver the next journey of, okay, I only have one side now what does that mean? So I feel like I'm trying to educate myself. Anyway, I'm going very high level. Um, but the reason I connected with you is I was looking through Instagram and thinking, Well, there must be places that, you know, there's more of these discussions. What can I do? And I found your account. So it's, um, due Tojo Rainbow Co. And it's just incredible. It's miscarriage care packages. You have so much great information on your site. Um, so that's why I targeted you to be like, Hey, can you please come on and have this discussion with me? Cause I cannot do this myself.
Cait:oh my goodness. Well, I'm happy you did. I feel like we're like instant friends and ugh, and I'm so proud of you. That's incredibly terrifying to share your story out loud cuz once it's out there like you can't take those words back and so I'm just, my heart feels for you and all that you've gone through. Like you don't have to grieve alone. And that's like literally. With every breath that I have is what I want to tell people. Like, we don't have to do this alone. Like, and it's with how common pregnancy loss is. Yeah. Four pregnancies end in a loss and like, that's massive. Unfortunately, it, it makes my heart physically hurt to know how common it is, and so I just, it hurts my heart to see people who are just literally, Feeling so alone and so us sharing our stories takes away the stigma Yeah. That society has of Oh, it's hush hush. Like no one would've known that I was pregnant otherwise. And so, um, it sort of gives power to your story and honors your sweet babies that I know you carry that love for them. So, um, I'm very thankful that. Had me on and that you've shared your story. I would love to talk more about that with you.
francene:Yeah. And it's not, um, I know we kind of spoke about this a little bit when we're mastering, but. It's, um, again, there's not many stories out there, and certainly from like a friend perspective mm-hmm. because again, typically, like you mentioned, like the statistics are high when you think about it, and typically it is early on in pregnancy, so sometimes you don't even know you're pregnant. other times, again, it happens so quickly that you haven't got to that typical 12 week mark where everyone's like, Yay, I can tell the world. Right? So, and you think, Okay, um, I can't imagine how individual, like I can't relate to someone that's further along where you've already spoken about it, you're already feeling the baby that I, I can't, I can't even imagine it, right? Like it sounds, Like crazy to say, but I feel like I got off lightly because again, I, you know, I, I didn't have those kind of movements. Um, it wasn't long enough for me to kinda adjust to, Oh, there, there's a baby in there. Right? Um, but I can't imagine announcing it and then being like, Oh. Shoot, it's, Yeah. And then you, you have to address it, right? Yeah. You're put in a situation where you've, you need to explain. Right. Um, but yeah, I found saying it out loud mm-hmm. I, so many people reach out to me and say, Hey, I've either gone through something similar or, you know, I've suffer in miscarriage. I felt like I couldn't speak about it. Like, thank you for saying something. Um, So it's like, I, it, it made me feel better about saying it out loud, you
Cait:know? Yes. Yeah. I remember the first time I like, sort of publicly shared that I had had a miscarriage. It felt terrifying, like once I said it out loud. Then I couldn't hide behind the like facade of me being fine anymore. Yeah. And so then it felt like, oh no, it's out there and I can't control what people say to me. Whether it's like well-meaning stuff. And people would say some things like, Oh, I have some funny stories, But I just like, I remember praying, honestly like. That I could just sort of guard my heart and protect my heart because I've just shared something so intimate. Yeah. And like I want to, like honor my baby's life and their memory. Yeah, of course. Um, but sort of also hold it close to the chest. So there's a balance and I still don't really feel like I've learned it even years later. Um, but that's just part of life. We, we share and. Hopefully can break that stigma of people not feeling like they can share. Um, but even, like you were saying, sort of processing through that grief and seeing like someone further along, or maybe a stillborn baby or a baby that passes away from sids, like, it's hard, It's so hard not to compare. Yeah. Like, well, oh my gosh, I, my heart would. I don't even know how I would get through that. Yeah. And like your, your baby was a baby too. And so not to downplay your loss, but saying like they're both unbelievably hard. Yeah. And hard is hard like your Yeah. It is unique to you and your baby is just as special and loved. So Yeah. That's what. That's what I would think. I, I still fall into the comparison trap of man, I, my, my experience was hard, but I cannot imagine. So it definitely gives you empathy.
francene:Yeah. And it's also, um, it's also ways. Like people deal with things differently, right? Like to me, I'm very optimistic naturally. So I find it easier to look at a situation and be like, okay, well it could be significantly worse. And like, we're fortunate and, and just to try and bring myself back down. Um, cuz it's, you know, it's easy. And I'm sure you probably went through this too, you do. Days or even now, it's like, it's, it's odd some situations where, you know, in the past, and I'm sure you, we all kind of get this, especially when you know, you're either engaged or you're getting married. People are like, When are you gonna have a baby? When are you gonna have a baby? Then you have a baby and you're like, God, go us. Right? You immediately have one and people are like, When are you having another one? And I took forever to make the decision that Okay. Go try again. Um, but it's even when you think it's like I refuse to ask people that question cuz especially when I was younger, Oh my God. Every month I was so paranoid. I'm gonna get pregnant, it's gonna be so easy to get pregnant. I was using like the pill, calm up everything to be like not get pregnant. Mm-hmm. Then with my first child, honestly it happened. Immediately. Wow. We were like, Let's try, and immediately we got pregnant. I was like, Oh Jesus. Maybe I was right when I was younger. You should be careful. Probably the best thing you are. But then again, as you get older or depending on your circumstances, and you start. And I know now like my Instagram's probably created to, now I'm catching a lot more people that have maybe gone through something similar or they're trying, or you know, IVF or whatever it is, but you actually realize it is so hard to get pregnant and the window that you have and the percentages and. Older you get, it's like, holy shit,
Cait:it's hard. It's not the same. Yeah, it's wild. I feel that right now cuz I'm sort of my daughter's three and a half. You said yours is four and a half. She's four and a half, yeah. I'm like, I don't know when I'd like to try again. I'm like tethered between like I want more kids. Like that is such a desire. I don't know if I'm ready for like, the fears that come Yes. Hearing the baby or you know, all the, the nightmares of a newborn and all that fun stuff. So,
francene:yeah. And, and I think, um, Cuz did, if you don't mind me asking, did you have a miscarriage before your, Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
Cait:So I had a miscarriage in October of 2016. Okay. And my husband and I had been married for like a year. Yeah. And so, um, then two-ish years later I got pregnant with my daughter Stella.
francene:Okay. Oh, I love that name. I know your
Cait:daughter's Luna, right? Yes. That's Tell Luna I love it.
francene:Um, so. I can't imagine going through that and then being pregnant and fear or the concern of. Because again, I, I never, like, my first pregnancy was very uneventful, right? So going into obviously the first one I was like, We've got this, like, not hard. So I'm kind of going through the thoughts of, oh my God, if we get pregnant again, like, what's gonna happen? Are we gonna have to go through this again? And, Oh God, like the risk of a, it caught pregnancy and then, and then what? Right. Um, So I, I can't imagine how you would've felt during your pregnancy with Stella. That probably carried that fear throughout. Right.
Cait:And I, I write a lot about that on my blog cuz that was such like, Pasted on my forehead of like, Yeah, I cannot let this fear like consume me because it, I've always been a fearful person, like even as a kid. And so that's always just been a struggle of like trusting that everything's gonna be okay and. If it doesn't go the way that I hope that we will make it out and I won't be alone. Like, so stuff like that, um, sort of carried me through that. And I would, I would do things throughout the pregnancy. Um, it, it was hard, honestly to connect with Stella when choosing my belly. Yeah, I bet. Like terrifying because. I had this thing in the back of my head of like, if I get so attached to this baby, I lose it. It's not going to hurt less or more. It's going to hurt an insane amount, like if I lose this baby too. Um, and so it was such a struggle to like, Actively make decisions in my mind and heart to be like, I'm going to do something today to, to connect with this baby. Like buy her an outfit or something in faith that like, even if this does not go how I went, I still have this thing to remember her by. And so, That was painful to, to make little decisions like that. But I'm thankful that I did. Um, because even if I were to lose her, it's, it's not like it would hurt less if I had connected, like it would hurt. There's not really a way to gauge that. So sort of like a self-preservation thing of like, I'm gonna guard my heart and not open it up to getting hurt, but like that's what love is, that's what grief is like. I have this immense amount of love for the baby that I lost, and that won't change with time or how much I connected, so,
francene:excuse me. Yeah, it's true. And I, I think that's important to touch on is you know, what you did to kind of enjoy or appreciate the moment as you were pregnant and not allow that to kind. You know, disconnect you from the joy that you should and, you know, should have felt like throughout that, which unfortunately going through a miscarriage or something like that, it kind of takes that away. Yeah. Um, so. Yeah, it's, um, again, speaking out loud about this, it's, I'm sure anyone listening where, you know, you might have a friend that you're like, God, why are they not enjoying being pregnant? Why are they not talking about it or planning this stuff? And it's like, you, you never know. Well, the driver is behind that. Um, and it's, you know, even listening to this, I, I. Difficult, especially if you've gone through it. But if you haven't, it's the reason we're having these discussions is to really kinda ensure that you are being the best friend. Mm-hmm. that maybe don't wanna talk about this, but you are seeing maybe. Something that seems like there's a little bit of apprehension that you are able to go in and really kind of comfort that individual or help them, or again, if you've been through this, maybe it would help to kind of discuss it and you're. Ensuring that someone isn't feeling alone with this. Um, so was there any other kind of practices that you did to ensure that you tried to feel, you know, kind of safe throughout your pregnancy best Stella, that you would kind of recommend for others kind of feeling, feeling that kinda anxious way of, Oh my God, I, I, I want this baby so bad, but I don't wanna. Feel it because I'm scared in case something happens.
Cait:Yeah. And I think that is incredibly common that, um, people who are pregnant after a loss, it's sort of like this, like self self-preservation of like, I don't wanna get too attached. What if I lose it? Um, and so I think just thinking through like, I guess. This comes to mind because I remember my sisters were planning a baby shower for me, and I just remember like the hesitation I had of like, like, Hold off, don't. Plan it yet. Like I didn't want them to be inconvenienced by spending money and planning this whole elaborate shower if I wasn't even gonna get that far. And so I did not do this perfectly as far as like holding onto hope. Like that was, it was such a struggle. And like through that struggle. I, I would lean on close friends and family and friends from church that I knew I could go to. Um, and so sort of that like, I don't know what's gonna happen in the future, but like, God, I trust you. I don't know what tomorrow looks like, but help me get through today. Yeah. And so honestly, it just turned into, For the next 24 hours. Yeah, I'm gonna try to remain calm and I might fail at it like, And that's okay. There's always tomorrow. Um, but I would say something to myself each day of, like, today I am pregnant. Mm-hmm. because I could not go there tomorrow. Like I could, we can't step into tomorrow and know what it will look like for us. And so I would say I'm okay. I'm safe today. I'm pregnant. And um, I'm loved, like I would just say things that I knew I easily forget, like I'm not alone. Yeah. That. Something I'm tethered to is like the first lie that I believe is like, you're alone. No one else feels this way. Yeah. You're, you're just, you know, like you're overreacting or things like that. And talking with friends who had gone before me and had pregnancies after loss or had, um, also experienced a loss like that was such a community. I'm so thankful for in that time and even still now, like there's a whole online community.