Confident on Stage, Awkward at Happy Hour: The Social Anxiety Paradox

Why do some confident presenters crumble during coffee chats? We unpack the paradox of high-performing speakers with social anxiety and offer practical ways to show up without spiraling. In this episode we cover:

• The science behind “performance vs. connection” anxiety
• Why social stakes feel higher than spotlight moments
• How to manage real-life interactions without shutting down

Chapters

• 0:00 The Social Anxiety Paradox Introduced
• 2:17 Public Speaking vs Socializing Psychology
• 4:18 Signs of Social Anxiety
• 5:59 Practical Coping Strategies
• 10:56 Embracing Discomfort and Connection
• 12:42 Closing Thoughts and Request

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

All right, friends. You can speak on stage in front of numerous people, you can lead that board meeting, you can pitch clients and investors, you can moderate a panel without blinking, no big deal. But put you in a casual networking event or after business happy hour and suddenly you want to disappear. And if this sounds like you, you're not alone, because I'm one of you and you're not broken. So welcome back to the career refresh, and this is where we're going to unpack the moments that shape our career, our leadership and our growth. I'm Jill Griffin and today I am diving into what I call the social anxiety paradox. Ready, let's dig in. You're confident in presentations. You're probably pretty poised and got it together. When you're on stage and you're able to articulate, you're in a meeting and someone throws you the ball and you're like yep, I got it, I can cancel that, I can handle it, I can get back to you. We'll find out. You're fine.

Speaker 1: 1:13

But when we take away the script, the structure, maybe the title, the business card, the role, suddenly you are overthinking every word or playing awkward moments or wondering if you should have said that or not. You're really feeling something is different here and I just want you to know this is not uncommon. I see it in clients. They tell me I have it myself. We are high achievers. Many of us are anxious overachievers, but we are high achievers, we are leaders, we are heads of department, heads of companies and we are creatives and we can perform brilliantly. Right, you're up, you got it. But there's something that happens and that can feel really anxious when we're in a space where we're expected to have this connection. And look, if I want to unpack this right, public speaking and socializing are different than psychological experiences. When you're on stage, you're in control. There's a beginning, a middle and an end. You're rehearsing, you are dressed however it feels best for you to be able to perform and publicly speak. You're the expert and that's the thing. Right, it's this one-way communication. And now, in contrast with the social interaction, well, it's unscripted, it's unpredictable. People are messy, people are themselves. There's two-way and now you're expected to be spontaneous and authentic. But you're not necessarily coming from a leadership position anymore. You're not necessarily in that same position that you play. You know that you role play or that you play in the office. Right, the spotlight isn't on your content anymore or the company you work for, the title you hold. It's on you, the person.

Speaker 1: 3:07

So for many people, public speaking triggers performance anxiety. Right Makes sense and socializing can trigger this connection anxiety and there's a fear. Behind the connection is usually something around what if I say the wrong thing? What if I'm misunderstood? Are they judging me Right? There's sort of some of that loop that's going on.

Speaker 1: 3:31

If you're experiencing this, so it might show up where you're, you know, again confident professionally, but you're not so thrilled about being at events that don't have a clear agenda or purpose. And I will 100% I'm raising my hand on that and it's not that I'm not, I guess I would say for myself. It's not that I dread them, I just want it to be impactful and I want everybody to get value out of it. And if there's no agenda or purpose, sometimes my brain will tell me stories because obviously unstructured play and unstructured gathering is beautiful and connective and creative and inspiring. So it's not true. I'm just saying this is what happens and how this type of social anxiety can show up.

Speaker 1: 4:18

You may also play back what you said over and over. What also could happen is you say something and maybe you're trying to be funny or you're making a joke and some people get it and some don't. So then you find yourself explaining it and it's not really landing because they don't really get it or they don't have the same context, the same life experience you have. So you're just sort of playing this over and you may have physical signs of uncomfort. Right, you might feel test chite, your test might feel a little bit tight, your voice may quiver a little bit, you may feel that you're a little bit jittery in your energy and you're also finding yourself that after the dinner or after the talk, you're declining to either hang out longer, like if it's a formal dinner, you're like, okay, I need to get out of here.

Speaker 1: 5:06

If it's a talk or a networking or a conference you're at, you may be like, okay, I'm good, I'm going up to my room in the hotel and I'm calling a night, I'm ordering room service, and it's not because you're too busy, it's also because there's an emotional overwhelm. I know for myself sometimes it feels like a you all who are listening have a relationship with me. But I'm building a relationship with you and during the course of a workshop or if I'm running an all day event, I'm going to meet a bunch of you. But the percentages right, the ratio isn't I don't get to meet all of you whereas you're meeting me, and it can sometimes just feel like I love what I do and I hear this from a lot of speakers but the after effect is you need to then go and retreat and regroup. So what do you do about it? Again, suggestions find the ones that work for you. They're not all going to work for you.

Speaker 1: 6:03

The first thing, because this happened to me recently. I was at a networking event with people that I would say I'm friendly with and I just started to notice that one person I don't I'm just going to say she was in a mood right, so she was representing very differently than she normally represents. That is her. She is allowed to do that. She could be whoever she wants, but she's normally quite talkative and quite engaging and warm and more outgoing and quite engaging and warm and more outgoing. And in this particular event she was standing there in the circle and not saying anything, and I've known this person for quite a few years. It was very uncomfortable. I didn't feel like to ask her what's wrong, because I don't have that kind of relationship with her. But also, she gets to just observe, she gets to show up however she wants and I get to sit with my feelings. The point is, this is not about her, this is about me. But her withdrawing, sulking shoulders, kind of looking down, sighing a lot, checking her phone and not being it was only four of us, so she's 25% of the conversation was very obvious. Once again, she gets to do all of that.

Speaker 1: 7:19

I get to look at that social anxiety that I'm feeling as in relation to someone's behavior. Right, it's not about I'm not being awkward, it's not necessarily about introvert or extrovert although I do. I always forget which is which. I believe I am an extroverted introvert. There's not a failure on my part, there's certainly not a failure on her part. But labeling it and in that moment, me being able to catch a beat and going, oh, there's that social anxiety, gel, it's okay, right, that is one of the things that really helps, that I can call it versus believing whatever I'm interpreting as being true and then taking actions from it. Because then I'm not taking actions from words, I'm taking actions from what I think she's thinking or doing or say like it's insanity. So first, just name it. The second is, maybe prep yourself like you're having some sort of talk.

Speaker 1: 8:19

I've said this before, it's my three, two, one have three questions, two people one hour at a time. So if I was in that circle, based on the content of that particular conference, I could have had two or three. I conference I could have had two or three. I mean, I did right. Have two or three conversation starters or openers in my pocket could also be not just about the content but safe areas, right. So what's new and good in your life? Tell me what's going on back home, how are the kids, right.

Speaker 1: 8:47

You could also bring it into something that, if that felt right for you, that's an area where you feel comfortable asking and most people, if you ask them to talk about their personal lives, if you know they have children, don't make assumptions, but if you know they have children or they have a pet, that kind of conversation, a compliment, a question, a shared experience. This isn't fake, right? It's kind of like preparing your brain so that the anxiety can come down because you have a plan. And then I, like I said about the three, two, one, following through with that. Don't go to a situation thinking you're going to meet everyone. Go in with a goal that I want to connect with someone or interesting person. Sometimes I might even say I'm going to connect with people that have red shirts on, just because I need something to anchor myself to, and then you're just going in and having those questions, right. So you're anchoring in, you're prepping yourself and then you're anchoring in for that talk.

Speaker 1: 9:45

Then use the pause. I think it's completely okay that just because there's silence or space doesn't mean uh-oh. I think it's okay to say you know what, I'm collecting my thoughts here for a second. Or, depending on where you are and who you're with, you could also say you know, sometimes I find these events a little overwhelming. I'm glad that I'm getting a chance to talk to you one-on-one, that sort of admitting where your own vulnerability is that other person may share it, they may feel relieved, they get to respond however they want. But again, you're showing up, human and real, and that, I mean, isn't that what we all want? And then recover with kindness is, when you leave the event, really look through what worked, what didn't work, what you might do differently, and reminding yourself that you showed up, you tried, that's enough, because it's not always best to judge how you come across. That's why putting facts on paper what worked tonight. What didn't work? What would I do differently?

Speaker 1: 10:50

So understanding that you can be, as I would say, bold on stage but sort of tender in the hallway. Right, you can still be a powerful speaker, you can lead teams, you can lead in the boardroom. You don't struggle to make small talk. I struggle because there's so many that introvert in me, there's so many things usually going around in the room that it just can feel a little bit overwhelming and my gorgeous little neurodiverse brain just kind of gets a little overwhelmed with that. But it's okay that you can be in this place of social anxiousness and still connect. That's the paradox, right? Just because you're feeling that way doesn't mean you can't make connections. You are not broken.

Speaker 1: 11:43

I'm going to say you're wired for maybe more depth. I've said a hundred times I'd rather be the bartender than be at the bar. I want a four top. I want small connection. If we're at a party together, I'm going to be in the kitchen, not because I'm cooking although I do have culinary training and I might be cooking but I'm going to be in the kitchen because for the most part there's only so many people that can fit in the kitchen and therefore I know I'm going to be able to go deeper with fewer people and that's been my gift right Getting to know people and going deep. That's where my gift right getting to know people and going deep that's where I prefer.

Speaker 1: 12:16

So when I'm In a bigger situation, yeah, sometimes it feels a little bit weird and a little bit overwhelming. It's not about me becoming different, it's Understanding how I can show up even in that discomfort and accept that nothing has gone wrong here and it's okay to be a little uncomfortable, just a little bit, it's okay. All right, friends, I want to hear from you. You know, email me at hello, at jillgriffincoachingcom. Questions, let me hear them. Comments, feedback. Do you have social anxiety and how do you navigate through it when it's happening in the moment? I want to hear all of it. All right until next time. Embrace possibility, be really, really kind to yourself and others, and I