The Center of Attention Trap: Understanding the Connector-Competitor in Your Workplace

Ever worked with someone who dominates every conversation, name-drops constantly, and gets visibly upset when they're left out of the loop? They're not just seeking attention, they're seeking safety. In this episode, we unpack the psychology behind the "Connector-Competitor" workplace archetype and explore why their behavior matters more than you think, for you, your team, and even for them.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Why attention-seeking behavior is actually rooted in insecurity and how recognizing this shifts your entire approach to working with (or being) this person
• Five practical strategies to set boundaries and protect your energy without becoming "the bad guy" or escalating workplace tension
• How to tell if YOU might be the Connector-Competitor plus one simple question that can transform how you show up in conversations and build genuine connection

Whether you're navigating this dynamic with a colleague or recognizing these patterns in yourself, this episode offers compassionate insight and actionable tools for healthier workplace relationships.

Chapters

• 0:00 Naming The Attention Trap
• 1:22 What The Behavior Looks Like
• 2:21 Insecurity Beneath The Spotlight
• 3:12 The Connector Competitor Pattern
• 5:07 Team Impact And Eroding Trust
• 8:17 Tactics To Handle The Dynamic
• 11:00 Boundaries, Empathy, And Small Wins
• 13:18 If You See Yourself In This
• 15:05 Curiosity Over Control

Transcript

Jill Griffin: 0:00

Hey friends, I'm Jill Griffin, your host of The Career Refresh. Today we are talking about a topic that I'm hearing and actually seeing a lot of myself. And it's the need to be the center of attention. And I'm going to call it the center of attention trap. So this is maybe someone you've worked with, maybe you've even sat next to them in a meeting. It's someone who's always needs to be at the center of attention. They want you to know that they know everyone. They get visibly uncomfortable if they are left out of the loop. So here's the thing: they're often not trying to be difficult, but there is a need that they need to be central to everything. And you may not realize it, but I'm going to guess that it's affecting you, or you may realize it. It's affecting the team. And it's also going to be affecting them, whether they realize it or not. So today I want to unpack what's really going on underneath this behavior and why it matters more than you think, especially in a workplace. And if you're working with this person, what can you do or what you might want to do? And how to even recognize if you are this person. All right, let's dig in. So when you're thinking about what you're seeing versus what potentially is underneath, right? You start with understanding, well, what does it actually look like in real life, right? You're in a meeting, you're seeing someone who's dominating the conversation. They not necessarily because they're their lead or the lead of the conversation, but because they have to be heard. They may name drop, they may talk about how close they are with this person and that they're really tight and they have the great relationship there. And suddenly they're not copied on an email, they're not invited to a meeting, and they're gonna bring it up. Oh, I didn't realize you were doing this without me, or I didn't realize this meeting was happening, right? There might be, it might be dripping, dripping with like some sort of passive aggressive feeling to it. It sounds casual, but there's usually an edge to it. And you might think like, oh, this person, they just always, you know, they love their own voice. They need to be the center of attention. And sure, that might be it. But what I'll tell you that I've often seen, and in all my studying and all my um training, is that this isn't necessarily blustering an ego. It's really coming from insecurity that may feel like it's dressed up in like a really nice wrapper and it's really charming, but it's really coming from a level of insecurity. It might equate for the person to like not feeling safe and that they feel like they're if they're not in the loop, they feel like this isn't just exclusion, it's rejection. And it's maybe further proof for them that they don't matter, they need to try harder, they overcompensate, they're making sure that everyone knows that they're connected, that they're valued, and that they're indispensable. What often happens is this there is a behavior that it looks confident, it may even look charismatic, but it's driven by feeling invisible and feeling not relevant. And when you, as the colleague, the leader, the if you report to this person, right, you'll start to see once you notice that and see that, everything starts to shift. So I call this pattern the connector competitor, right? Because that's exactly what they're doing. They're connecting, but they're also competing. They tend to need to be feel, feel, and be connected, feel indispensable. They're the social hub of the team. They're often really good at networking. They are the person that you want them at times to introduce you to others. They're often very good communicators and they do build relationships. But this constant need for validation, it can start to undermine their credibility and trust. And I think it's those of us that are less experienced that we may not see it at first. But when we start to see it again, you will see that they are rarely, they are always talking and they are rarely asking. Their conversations often become monologues. They tend to steer things back to themselves. How do they center it on themselves? It's their connections, their experience, their insights. They may compete quietly with other well-connected peers. You may see some back channeling and some back talking. If someone is getting attention or recognition, they're going to find a way to insert themselves or some level of like subtle one-upmanship. They may act surprised when they're not concluded, like, oh, I wasn't on the email. This is not just a curious curiosity. This is a message of like, huh, why wasn't I included? And they may also frame relationships as proof that they have value, right? Oh, I was just talking to that person and about this, right? Showing you that it's information, but it's also positioning. And the nuance here is that at their best, these people can be genuine relationship builders. They connect people, they facilitate that collaboration, they know how to work a room. But at their worst, they are controlling the narrative. They are not fostering connection, they are managing perception of themselves and maybe of their team. And that's where things can kind of get tricky. So, why it matters is you might originally write this off as it's just a quirky personality thing, or you don't really like that person. But if if you work for someone like this, or there's someone in your organization or within your org or even your skip level that is senior and doing this, you're gonna feel invisible. You may feel talked over, you may feel like your own ideas don't get airtime because someone else is always filling that space. You might be drained from managing their ego. You're constantly navigating their actions, their reactions, their inactions, their feelings, their need to be included. You feel like you have to do so much mental gymnastics each time you're planning to meet with them and you're like strategizing what they might say. And also, it might be hard to set some boundaries with them because you don't want to be labeled as difficult. But if you're not aligning to what they want to do, it can suddenly blow up really quickly. Also, also, if they are excluded, they might start to talk smack or talk, uh, do some back channeling on a colleague. And this is also an area where you want to ideally stay clear, but if it's unavoidable for you to be in that conversation, you can sort of not, yeah. And you refocus it on their feelings, not focusing on the facts. So for instance, if they say something that is about, you know, oh, well, you know, she always has to be the center of attention, which is really like right, most uh acknowledgments or accusations or confessions in that way, you know, you might say something like, I can understand that you might feel that way, right? That might be the way of sort of acknowledging them so that you don't come into the crossfire of how they might respond, but that you're not agreeing that that person needs to be the center of attention. You're agreeing that if they feel that way, you can understand that that would be frustrating, right? There's some of the difference that I would make. And here's what happens to the team when this is going on. Trust overall erodes, right? Someone who constantly needs to be the center of attention, attention is pushing others out. The collaboration suffers, people stop contributing, they feel disengaged. Um, they may even resent some of the dynamic. And from an organization, you'll you may find that communication starts to bottleneck, that there might be siloed information because people are sort of holding close to that social currency. And there might be a lot of turnover, right? Where people are tied of fighting for space and that they might just feel like, you know what, this is really a lot of work. They might want to rotate on the department, right? HR might be aware of some other behavioral issues. So those are the kinds of the things that as a leader or with an organization, here's how it can really erode trust. And for the person themselves, they're gonna be exhausted, right? Because they're stuck in this cycle of constantly seeking validation that never quite happens or never quite, you know, scratches the itch for them. And while they might be well known or maybe even popular, it doesn't mean that they're genuinely connected, right? Deep down, they might know that. So this is why it matters, not just for your own sanity, but also for the health of your team and the trajectory and the overall culture of the business unit or company you work in. So, what do you do when you're dealing with this person, right? One, don't compete for attention. Stay calm. You don't want to out talk them or try to prove your value. You don't want to prove that you know more people. They're just gonna double down. There's no need to win in this conversation. And also, we find that people that behave this way, they might have some sort of narcissistic tendencies, which means that when you don't agree with them or you're out of alignment with them, then their spiciness might come back on you, right? So this is not about winning the conversation. This is just staying value grounded in the value that you're bringing to the business unit or to the project or to the organization and continuing to stay grounded in that. You might also want to set some of the conversational boundaries, right? So I mentioned before, like how you don't want to agree with them, but you might agree with their feelings. Again, if someone feels a certain way, it's true for them. It may not be overall true, but it's true for them. So this is about redirection, not a confrontation. It might be something like, um, oh, okay, yeah. Um, so can we come back to the project timeline, right? So again, you're sort of acknowledging them, but you're not getting into all of the, you know, the tangledness of the conversation. Um, oh, you know what? Thanks for weighing in there. You know, I want to make sure that everyone is heard. So let's make sure that we move on, but we can come back to that, right? So you're not shutting them down, but you're sort of like re-steering the ship, so to speak. Um, also recognize the insecurity. If it feels aligned with your own values, having some empathy for them, that this is the way they're operating, you know, that type of empathy, assuming you're acknowledging it, but you're not agreeing with it, can be helpful for you just to sort of realize that you didn't cause this, you can't fix this, that this is their underlying behavior. And don't take it personally, right? They're gonna probably interrupt you, but it's actually not about you. It's about them needing to feel safe and to again to be centered on themselves. You may also want to think about giving them some small wins, right? A little acknowledgement can go a long way, like, oh, hey, thanks for connecting me with that person. That was really helpful, right? Giving them some little treats or sort of popcorn that trail, right? It's gonna help them feel seen. They may, may be less likely to grab the mic every single time. This is again not about coddling them. This is about reducing some of the attention that they're demanding and also the tension that might be in the room. And then I'm gonna suggest that you do protect your space. Do not disclose, do not over-disclose, do not gossip, don't feed into any of that, because again, information becomes social currency and you want to be mindful of what you share. So keep your boundaries um clear, making sure that you're communicating professionally and making sure that you're protecting your energy. You can coexist with this person, even if you report to them without losing who you are in the process, it's just going to take attention. All right. So if you're listening to this and you're like, I do kind of butt in and I do kind of center things on myself. And I'm gonna say the odds are much like the narcissist, if someone's asking if they are the narcissist, they're not the narcissist, it's the same thing with this. If you are often noticing that you're the center of attention, you're probably only doing it once in a while. That said, it might still be too much for, again, the organization or the culture in which you're working in. So if this starts to hit a nerve for you, I want you to think about the self-awareness, right? It's not about shame. It's just about getting awareness, right? This is a good thing. Awareness precedes change. So that's the first step. The next is you may feel that you've often connected through attention because that's a way that helps you feel like you belong. So now I'm going to suggest that that idea, that connection that's sustainable doesn't come from control. It comes from that curiosity, asking questions. Can you be in reciprocity? Can you ask people back? Right. You may have learned early on in either your career or maybe your upbringing that being seen was being safe. And that maybe silence felt like, you know what? I'm there there must be something wrong here because I'm now, you know, I'm not relevant. But again, it's understanding that that sort of sustained connection is what we want. And that comes from curiosity. There is that expression that Maya Angelou had said about people don't necessarily remember what you say. They remember how they you made them feel. And I'm gonna guess you've been in a situation where you talked with someone, but really they talked at you and they didn't ask you one question. And you don't mean maybe you don't remember much about them, but you remember how they made you feel. They made you feel that you were just talked out and you weren't part of it, that you were just there as a vessel to receive their words. That's what we're talking about. We don't want to be contributing to that. So you really want to think about how you can be curious and ask people questions. I often talk about the three, two, one rule, um, and you can flip it around, but it's really easy. It's like three questions to people one hour at a time. So if you need to create some self-awareness for yourself, what are three questions that you would ask someone else? Who are the two people you might connect with? And if you're not sure, then just pick like the first person in a white shirt, the first person in an orange shirt, right? Just even do it that way and then looking at it one hour at a time. Okay, so did I focus on others or did I totally center on myself during this hour? And then, yes, asking that, right, that those questions, it's really making sure you listen. Don't sit there and try to plan your response back. This is about just being present with the person and like noticing, noticing what they're saying. And then maybe it opens up other questions and being curious. I want you to pay attention to how this feels. You don't have to be at the center of attention to be valued. The most influential people in a space aren't those that are always pushing for themselves to shine, it's the ones that are helping others sign. When you think about significance as a value, and many people have this as a value, that I am significant when I shine the light on you. If I sing your praise when you're not in the room, if I talk about you positively when you're not there, right? I am making you significant. And then when someone says, Oh, you know, I just heard Angela was talking about you, Jill. Um, they she said some really nice things. Now all of a sudden Angela is significant to me because she's the one who's talking about me, right? That's the reciprocity we're talking about. And that when you do that, you're asking people questions, you're helping them feel seen, you're elevating voices, and you're able to build trust. So I want you when you just pause through this, I want you to remember that we all want to feel seen. We all want to be important, we all want to feel that we matter. And the trick is learning how to share the space, make space for others, but also, yeah, we're not saying never talk about yourself, but finding that balance. Influence doesn't come from being the center of attention, it comes from being the kind of person that people trust, respect, and want to collaborate with. That's the kind of influence that when you stop centering on yourself, you can then center on the connection. All right, friends, if this resonated with you, share this episode with someone. I would love for you to do that. You can also email me at hello at JillGriffinCoaching.com and give me any of your questions and comments and feedback. And if you're working on this yourself, be patient with the process. If you're working on this with someone who reports to you, you know what? Growth is messy, but it's worth it. And when you get to the other side of this, you will start to feel more connected with your team and maybe a little less annoyed or aggregate aggravated with this particular personality type. All right. As always, think this through. Stand up for your own leadership and your own values. Be intentional and always, always, always be kind. All right, I'll see you next time.