The Comparison Trap at Work: How to Stop Self-Doubt and Lead with Confidence

In this episode of The Career Refresh, Jill Griffin breaks down the hidden cost of comparison at work—and how to replace assumptions with evidence-based clarity. Also in this episode:

• Learn how your brain fills in the blanks with fear
• How confirmation bias can derail trust
• Jill shares practical tools to help you lead with facts, regulate your thoughts, and stay grounded under pressure.
• You’ll walk away knowing how to stop unhealthy comparison, build emotional steadiness, and lead with consistent, trusted confidence.

Chapters

• 0:00 Why We Compare At Work
• 1:27 The Compare-And-Despair Spiral
• 2:39 Fact Versus Story In Your Head
• 4:10 Confirmation Bias And Fractured Trust
• 6:06 Reframing And Mindset Management
• 8:10 Healthy Competition Versus Toxic Comparison
• 10:31 Practical Ways To Rewire Your Brain
• 14:33 Close: Lead With Intention And Kindness

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:01

Hey there. I'm Jill Griffin, career strategist and executive coach. And I'm here today to talk about comparison. It's something we all do. We're human, we compare. I want to break it down and also get into how it can really mess with your career as a leader and how it could create a circle of mistrust amongst you and your peers and your cross-functional leads and anybody who reports to you. So comparison is a common thing that we do. We measure, we learn how we're preparing or working against a particular goal. We also use it to orientate ourselves within an environment, right? How am I doing amongst what's expected of me and comparing to others? This is all very normal. But when we individually decide to take that comparison and put it through the lens of which becomes like, am I good enough? Or how are my peers doing? What are they doing? What's my worth? Am I being paid enough? Are they being paid more? Sometimes these are questions we want to ask because they're really helpful. Other times we're asking them because it's only through the lens of what do I have versus what somebody else has, or what am I contributing versus what somebody else is contributing? And that is where, through that lens, is where it can start to distort reality. So I want to dig into this a little more and also give you some ways to get out of it. Okay. All right, let's dig in. So when you're on the spiral of this compare and despair, this is what often I laugh at this, this is what often comes next. I'm not who I think I am. I'm who I think you think I am. And then, did you follow that, right? So it's me thinking, trying to guess what you're thinking and based on my guesses, show up so that I can compete and make it within the environment or the organization or the goal that I'm getting. So what happens here is that we're playing this guessing game, and I'm probably gonna show up really inconsistent and pretty weird. And it creates fracture, it creates um uh a little bit of maybe a distrust. And I don't mean distrust as in dishonesty. I mean a mistrust, like, is she stable enough? Is he gonna really pull through? Are they gonna really perform the way we need them to perform in this moment? That's what we're talking about, about distrust. So before you go and reacting with your current thought reaction, like whatever's going on in your head, before you start running off and like driving on those thoughts, I'd offer when you notice yourself doing it. You can also notice that you're doing it where you're having a lot of conversation in your head and you're like, well, if they're doing this, then I need to do this. And if they said that, like that's where you start to notice that you're in this comparison trap. So I'm gonna ask you to pause, just give yourself a beat, and then really think for yourself is this an observation or is this fact? So your brain loves to fill in the blanks. Your brain is a meaning-making machine. And when information is missing, your brain is going to want to fill the void, right? And it's often gonna fill the void with negative thoughts. There's a negative bias. This is based on evolutionary biology. Your brain is doing this to protect you. And it's gonna say, like, oh, you know what? I need to be, I need to watch out for that, or that could be something in fear, or, you know, that that might this bad thing might happen. So let me think about it in advance. Let me get ahead of it so I can prepare myself. That is a negative bias, and it has helped us survive for many, many years, right? That is a good thing. It's when it turns into something where we're then on the obsessive track and then we're adding a little comparison and we're starting to see that it is running the show, those thoughts. So when we fill the blanks, a lot of times, like I said, we're filling it with fear or drama that really might not be there. When we're looking for evidence that then supports our feelings, right? Well, you know, they didn't really um, they weren't, they were really brief on that phone call. In that last uh teams meeting, they were, they were short with me. We start looking for evidence versus they're busy, they're tired, stuff happened outside of the conversation with you, and it's really weighing on them. There's various reasons why someone might be acting a certain way that we're not going to be able to guess or figure out, but that confirmation bias is we now look for evidence to support what we already believe. And this is where we start to get ourselves into trouble. So if you're thinking, you know what, I feel like the ELT of a CEO doesn't really trust me, your brain is going to start collecting proof. And this proof could be, like I said, a quick email, the tone of a voice, there's a closed door meeting, you feel like you weren't invited. So, what your thought in them on this, if we play this example out, is I'm not in the inner circle. They don't trust me. You may feel defeated or unmotivated or anxious or defensive. And then coming from those feelings, you're potentially withdrawing or you're overcompensating. You act defensively in that next weekly meeting. Your result then from this is what? I'm sure you can guess. So you're showing up defensive. People are responding to you cautiously based on that, and you start to fracture trust. So you see how that thought pulls all the way through to those feelings, and then you're taking those actions and it's showing up in your results. So I'd offer here the key to kind of working through this is not to judge yourself but be like, I have to stop doing this, right? That's not really gonna help. It's really to get curious and maybe even start to test it a little bit. So the first thing I would suggest you do is start to reframe the story, right? Leadership requires both upskilling and mindset management. Upskilling is about developing uh your strategy, your strategic planning, your influence, mind management is exactly that. It's noticing your thoughts, evaluating them, and choosing how you're going to respond. So you can have every leadership skill in the world. But if your inner narrative is not grounded in facts, then you're going to constantly be making assumptions about what you should do instead of leveraging strengths or the facts. You're going to be inconsistent. People might view you not so much as a strong leader. Or what I had recently someone tell me is they realized that all of a sudden this started happening more and more. And when they were sent to client meetings, they were always sent with someone. It was almost like that other person had to sort of like guide them, but it wasn't a uh a direct conversation. It was more subtle and nuanced. So all of a sudden they're having a guest at all their meetings when they're meeting with senior clients or vendors and they're like, what's going on here? So when you base how you are, based on what you think others think, or said simply, you're basing your insides on other people's outsides, right? They're looking a certain part, they're playing a certain part, you're deciding that based on that, you should modify and change your behavior. You're setting yourself up for total crazy making. And this is when you start, again, not thinking clearly and you start leading reactively instead of with intention. Leadership is going to feel this inconsistency. Your team, your cross-functional peers, they're all going to start feeling this inconsistency because they never know which one of you is going to show up. Is it the confident one, the cautious one, the passive aggressive one, right? That's everyone's favorite. Or are you constantly scanning for cues and therefore distracted in the meeting? They're like, which one, which Jill is here today? So this uncertainty on top of it causing friction and confusion. I'm going to guarantee that you are exhausted and everybody else is exhausted also by this behavior, because we're constantly trying to figure out what is in front of us. So the next thing I'm going to suggest that you do is you go from guessing into gathering information. We want to have evidence. So start collecting data, right? Asking our, you know, what is the feedback? What do they actually say? So this becomes your challenge here becomes are we going to confirm our beliefs or are we going to challenge our beliefs? So you may ask yourself, how do I know this is true? What evidence supports this? What evidence challenges this? And can I clarify this with someone? Can I ask someone to see if this information is true? When you slow down and start gathering the data instead of guessing, you then get to choose how you're going to respond and you're not going to be as reactive. So you're giving yourself a beat to study your emotions, to really think through. And then you get to be more intentional, which in return starts creating stability with your peers and that trust. Psychology today says that about 10% of our thoughts are always involving comparing to others. And I'm going to say, especially because I spend all these years working with people in this environment, working with thousands of professionals to help them up-level and upskill themselves within their career. I'm going to tell you, I think that number is too low. I don't know that we can really prove it. That's just my gut, but 10, only 10% of our thoughts are about comparing ourselves to others. Every, every social media post, every time you scroll through, you know, and you're looking, right? Anything that's stopping your finger on the pause, you're comparing. Do they look good in that? Would I look good in that, right? You're constantly in that comparing. And we're in this culture of constant comparison, right? From childhood, we were measured on our grades, the various milestones we hit as we started to mature into adults. It's now comparing on salaries and titles and exposure and influence. And, you know, if you're into social media or LinkedIn followers, right, who commented on your stuff. This type of comparison is a really tricky motivator, right? Because it might ignite a time's ambition, but it also feels like it breeds some insufficiency, some lack there. Like you're doing it to keep up. So if you're finding yourself that you're doing that level of comparison, it's really getting in the way of your work. I'm going to tell you that there's always going to be a new target. Even if you tackle this one, there's always going to be another pirate on the ship. There's always going to be a way or a place where you need to stack rank yourself or defend yourself. Again, this is going to be really exhausting and making you really inconsistent. And I want to talk about the other side here. Competition, some healthy competition can really elevate a team versus being in this toxic comparison. So healthy competition makes you excel. It can be about external measurement. We get performance reviews. It's about benchmarking your progress. I'm all for that, right? It's how we may get raises or bonuses. Go for it. Grab it. Go after that accomplishment you want that may uh equate to money in your purse, so to speak. But when you bring champion energy or winner's energy to a team, you propel people forward. And that's what we want. You cheer them on, you can create a culture of performance where people combine forces and really start to work together. And that's what we all want. But when that competition turns inward, this is what is going to make you feel like losing in that compare and despair, that it becomes about your value or that you're not good enough. And that's where the comparison can become really toxic. And you might even be like edgy or toxic to be around. If I could tell my 25-year-old self one thing, it would be to understand that this is just data and understanding that performance and lack of performance or wins or losses is just around how I'm choosing to feel and the pause around the comparison of saying to yourself, how important will this be in two hours, two weeks, two months, two years? And then really learn to start modulating your energy accordingly, which might look like, you know what, this is not really that important right now, or in two hours, this is really important. So we're going to focus on how I want to rethink this scenario so I can move forward successfully. You get to decide what all this data means and what the comparison means and how you want to move forward next. So when you want to rewire yourself from comparison and to clarity, here are a couple of things that you can do. First, is I want you to take your victory lap. I want you to revisit your wins. I want you to relive that experience that created confidence with you so that you start learning from your success in others. You learn what worked, what didn't work, what you would do again or differently. Next, I want you to be conscious of your reference points. If you are starting your day with social media every single day, it's going to hijack your brain into your brain's reward system, which then becomes prime for this type of social comparison, the fear of missing out. I would also recommend that you separate your um maybe, maybe deleting some of those apps off your phone and only going to the desktop sites, that might be an option for you. I would also recommend that you separate your work email from your personal email. A lot of people use one email client and have everything come right into that. So if you're on an um an iPhone, maybe use i uh the the iMessage and the iPhone email client for your personal and one for your professional, and vice versa. The same thing is available on the Outlook or on um Google Work Suite, right? All of those give you an opportunity to pull those pieces apart. It's also going to help you limit your screen time, especially on nights and weekends when you don't need to constantly be in that and be like, oh, you're getting behind on something. Next, I want you to practice appreciation. I did not say gratitude. To me, gratitude is a little bit of a wobble, has a little bit of like implying that I'm not there. I'm grateful that I got this thing, right? I'm grateful I got it. That's not what we're talking about. I'd rather you be in appreciation. So at the end of your day, you reflect on the things that went well, the conversations, the connections, the small wins. That's how you start to rewire your brain towards contentment and resilience. Resilience is built in the rear of the mirror. Hollywood would tell you that resilience is built because you're you're thinking about it in advance. You're thinking, I need to be resilient. No, no, no. Resilience is when you pause, reflect after it, you look back at what you achieved, what you did, what you didn't do, and then to realize that those reps that you're doing is how you're starting to build resilience. And then I want you to interrupt your brain. When your brain is giving you thoughts like, Jill, you know, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I want you to pause and think through. I want to break this soap. You know what, Jill, we're not gonna do this right now. I don't have time for this. This isn't good for my energy, it isn't good for my thinking. I understand that you're having some fears and concerns come up. We're not gonna do this right now. Literally talking to yourself kindly and putting that thought to sort of shh, right, putting it a little bit to bed. When your thoughts are grounded in facts instead of assumptions, your leadership becomes more intentional, your presence becomes more consistent, and you're able to influence more. That is how you overcome this comparison trap and get yourself back on the beam, so to speak. Get yourself back into your leadership identity and your overall approach to how you're leading your team and working with others. All right, friends. You know, as always, I love to hear from you. You can send me an email at hello at gillgriffincoaching.com. If this episode was helpful, send it to a friend. This is how we get the word out. This is how we help more people be intentional leaders. And that's what I want. I want more people. I want a revolution in the workplace. I want more intentional leaders and people that are leading from a place of wellness and well overall well-being that's driven by performance and mindset. All right, friends. Until next time, embrace possibility. Be intentional, be inspired, and always, always, always be kind. I'll see you soon, and