The Realness Factor: How to Lead Authentically Without Oversharing

"Bring your whole self to work" sounds good on a poster. But what does it actually mean in practice? Jill Griffin breaks down the leadership skill nobody taught you — how to lead real without losing authority or crossing the line.

In this episode:

• How to create psychological safety on your team without destabilizing them
• Where the line lives between authentic leadership and oversharing
• How to build genuine peer relationships in politically charged environments

Transcript

What Being Real At Work Means

SPEAKER_00 1:05

Hey friends, I am Jill Griffin, the host of The Career Refresh. And today we are talking about being real. Makes me think of that book, The Velveteen Rabbit. Did you ever read that even as a kid or adult? Such a beautiful story about how love makes you real. But we're talking about realness through being real at work. And what does that mean? And I want to clear something up right away. We've been hearing a lot in recent years about, you know what, we really want our people to bring their whole self to work. And it's one of those phrases that I get it, it's based on value and what we want to have, you know, creating in culture and making sure that we create connection, but I'm going to tell you through all the organizations I work with and all the individuals and teams I work with, it's the same thing. It causes so much confusion because no one actually has any idea what in the world that actually means. And in the absence of a definition provided by your chief talent officer or your HR, your head of HR, or you know, if you have a cultural committee, without having that, people always swing too far, right? It's like barbell. There's very few in the center. We're either in the complete over-sharing, over-emotion. All of a sudden it feels like a therapy session, or we're in the other extreme where things are really um sheer and steely, and it's really hard to read because people are trying to keep it real, but they're not really clear in how to weave it through the wall of professionalism. And basically, then no one moves, no one gets anywhere, and no one gets to know each other, no one gets to understand the challenges. And in both extremes, you're costing your team and it's completely avoidable. So we're talking about the realness factor today, what it actually means to lead authentically, and how to create an environment where your team can bring their best but also most honest selves to work, right? We want it to become a place where people are connecting, but not being boundary free, right? There still should be some swim lanes and guardrails as to what we're talking about within a workplace, because it's work, not necessarily friendship. And that we want to make sure that we're navigating this so that everyone feels like they can feel participatory, but also feel like they're not um being put upon. All right. So let's dig a first, I want to talk about the problem. I touched on it a little bit in the opener. It happens in most teams, and the leader sets the tone, right? Whether they mean to or not. So if you show up always buttoned up, guarded, um, allergic to admitting any uncertainty, which in today's market and the velocity of business, I don't know how you could walk around and saying that you're certain about anything other than your own thoughts, right? So making sure your team, if you're showing up that way, you are making sure that your team learns very quickly that you are in an environment that is like perform or perish, right? It's you're telling people that they should actually stop communicating really what's going on. And then people will start to manage up instead of being honest, and they'll save the real conversation for the parking lot, you know, the old water cooler or the side chat, the Teams chat, the secret channel, the WhatsApp chat, all of that. That's what they'll save the real conversation for. And then as a leader, you're gonna wonder why you seem to be the last person to know what's going on. On the flip side, my friends, if you've ever worked, or you are the leader who has no filter, who shares every frustration, who talks about every doubt, every grievance about the organization freely and openly, you know how destabilizing that can be. And it doesn't build trust, it builds anxiety. I worked for someone who gossiped about all of their peers and my peers in a way that if I was then seen talking to those people, they would give me a look across the room, either, I can't believe you're talking to them, or like sort of that craziness. And then after the meeting, they would always say to me, I can't believe you were talking to them. And I'm like, wait, that's your thing with them, not my thing with them. And it really created a lot of anxiety. It was one of the first times I hired a coach because I did not know how to handle this. So, because if the person in the front of the room doesn't have it together or is spilling their small intestines and their juices everywhere, what does that mean for the rest of us? Meaning, if I walk away and they also get to talk about me, I assure you they are, right? So neither extreme serves your team. And what we actually need is the old Goldilocks, right? Something in the middle, a leader who is real enough that can be trusted and grounded, but also someone that you want to follow. So here's the shift: the idea of bringing your whole self to work and leading a team that does it the same, but they also bring their whole self to work, again, is not about all your foibles and your nooks and crannies. It is about the psychological permission, right? It's about creating an environment where people are able to say, I have no idea. Let me tell you, I was in a training last week with a bunch of entrepreneurs, a lot of very impressive people in the room. And it was an AI-based training. And the questions that were being asked were really thoughtful. The answers were really thoughtful. And at one point, one of the questions was a thoughtful, very thoughtful question. But the leader of the meeting just said, you know what? I actually have absolutely no idea. And everyone paused. And the co-host said, It is so refreshing to hear you say, I have no idea, because that's what we're everybody's always like has to be in the know and has to know every answer. And I would say maybe years ago that worked, but that is the old model, my friend. And that doesn't work today. So when you can come forth with that realness that just says, you know what, I don't know, or I made a mistake, or I'm not sure I agree with this direction, but I don't have an answer yet. Can I have a bead or two to think about it? When you can start doing that within an organization, in and we're going to talk about what to do it appropriately and how to do it appropriately, without bracing for impact, without bracing for the blowback on that. That's what we need our leader to do because the permission starts with you. So every time you model honesty and talk about your own uncertainty without drama or the mistake that you made, without the extra swirl and all the extra additives, you are also allowing your team to see what you're thinking. And then you're giving both yourself and everybody else to do the same. And I'll also tell you this works really well in your personal life with your personal relationships too, right? Being able to say, I don't know, but I'll find out, or I know how to find out, right? Or let me go check with a couple of people and I'll get back to you. Again, you are teaching them what's safe. You are also teaching the culture of your business unit or the department or the company that you work in, right? That's the cultural design. And it really is a powerful tool that as a leader, you get to make that move. It's a huge power move that you can make to show that this is a culturally different and therefore very culturally appropriate and healthy environment. Getting into the how a little bit, it's it's building an organization where realness is the norm without becoming a free-flaw for all. Don't assume that people know that it's safe, to be honest with you. You have to tell them, listen, I want this to be a team where what we can say are truth and we can say it kindly and professionally, but that also includes me. And there's going to be times in which I don't know what's true and I'm not really sure, but I want you to feel like you can do that same, right? This is a conversation that starts to shift the climate in the org more than you think, right? You want to model it and you want to demonstrate it consistently. You can't ask your team to be real if you're not going to be real. So start small, right? The simple, I don't know's, you know what? Oh, I totally messed that up. Um, I would tell you that I totally fucked it up. But that's just me. Um, or say, like, I'm still working through this, or you know what, there's some really good thought here. There's some things I haven't clearly thought through. But if you're open for a brainstorming session, I'm I'm willing to show you where I'm stuck. Like that kind of realness, it's letting them see that that kind of honesty doesn't hurt their career and doesn't hurt their credibility. It actually begins to build that realness because there's a distinction, right, between personal realness and professional realness. And that bringing your whole self to work doesn't mean bringing every emotional and personal struggle, unfiltered opinion on every interaction. It means being honest with your perspective, your genuine uh where you're investing, you're also showing that you're real and you're not necessarily sharing your entire life story. It helps your team understand the difference, right? It's okay if there is something going on that says, you know what, I've been feeling really under the weather. Um, this is not my best week. Something simple like that, right? If you're the person in it. Or saying, um, you know what, I am having a really tough time this week. I have a lot going on outside of the office. You don't need to say the word personal unless that feels right for you. I have a lot going on without an outside of the office. So just letting you know that I might be a little bit slower to react. I might be a little bit delayed. It's all being worked out, but that's where I'm at. That's the kind of thing that we're talking about. That if I worked with people who were able to say that, I might say to them, Do you want to talk about it more? I may be able to hold space for them. I might also respect the boundary and not say anything at all and just say, like, all right, I'm sending you good thoughts and let them know that I care and that I heard them, but I'm not the mother, the doctor. I'm not here to solve that for them. Creating that kind of regular space for honest conversation. We're not just talking about in one-on-one statuses, right? Because that becomes a status, but they're when you're having check-ins with people, dropping by their workstation, taking a walk together, going to the micro kitchen and getting coffee, if you're working remotely, asking, you know, a colleague if they could stay for 10 or 15 minutes after the team's meeting and you can continue, that's where you're actually, as a leader, being able to check the temperature. And as I say also, there's culture and climate. Climate is going to come and go and change based on whatever's going on within your particular business or the marketplace, but your culture has to be solid. And that's the temperature of really seeing what's going on with people. And saying something, you know, as simple as, hey, what do you need that you're not getting? Is there anything in your way? Is there anything you need me for to move out? Is there any calls you need me to make for you? Right. I'm not here to carry your backpack. I'm not here to do your job. But if there is an obstacle or a block in the way, but I know that I can make a call and easily start to loosen it up or, you know, get the system flowing again, I'm definitely going to do that. But I won't know unless I'm having a time to ask. And then someone is feeling comfortable enough to tell me, yeah, actually, I'm not getting breaking through over there and I can use a little bit of help. All right. So that's what you do when you're leading a team. What about your peers? What do you do with your peers and your other uh leaders within the company? Or, you know, if you're a service-based organization and working with clients, what are you doing there? And I want you to really think about the problem can get complicated because it can get political. Being real with your team and your direct reports is one thing, but sometimes being real with your peers or other leaders at your level can, well, it's going to require a different skill set, but it can also get a little sticky because you're not just leading here. You need to navigate. And there are always going to be competing agendas because it's work, not a hobby, right? There are political currents, there are cultural and climate issues. Again, I mean that within the organization. So there are people who will take your honesty and use it against you strategically. We know this, right? We've seen enough villains in movies and in real life to know that this is it. There are people who may want to see that they feel like there's only one promotion and they want it to be them, right? So they may want to see themselves win over you. And there are people who might desperately just need to see you as a peer be real and not because you're performing perfectly, because they may have forgotten what it's like to be in a real environment where we can just be. So most leaders in peer relationships default to one of two modes. One is that they're competitive, and this is where everything, there's a subtle positioning, there's posturing, it's everything feels like an exercise. Nobody emits weakness or the I don't know's because, you know, the floor, we all be on the floor. That's where the weakness gets noticed. Or there's the performance, like sort of like niceties, right? It's this um performity, um, collegial type feeling where everyone is professionally but pleasant. Um, no one's really sharing what they think until you get back to your office. And then you'll start to hear like this, again, the side channeling, right? And neither of these situations, whether it's performative niceties or the competitiveness, the directness, um you just no one really knows what anybody's thinking. And as a peer group, you're not gonna make your organization better or stronger because no one trusts each other. So that realness with peers is about selective strategic honesty. And that's where we want to make the shift to that selective strategic honesty. That doesn't mean at other times we're being dishonest. It just means that you don't need to share everything, right? So we're not doing this in a strategic or a manipulative way. It's very thoughtful. It means the difference between sharing something that builds trust and sharing something that creates vulnerability. And you can't afford to be vulnerable in that particular relationship or environment. It also means that you're recognizing that your peers are under some of the same pressures you are, right? It may look different, it may be coming from a different angle, but they are also under pressure. And the ones that seem really polished and all put together are probably the ones that are starved the most for a real genuine conversation and connection. And again, when I say connection in this space, yes, it's great if you're building professional relationships and friendships, but I'm talking connection, like the intellectual stimulation, that we can trust each other enough to have a healthy debate. Some of us might feel that, you know, a little uncertain about sharing things, we might be wrong, we might be right, but having that kind of conversation. And in that, a leader who says, you know what, you're raising really good points. I need to give this more thought. I'm gonna have to get back to you. Or not sure that we've gotten this right so far. Let's let's spend a little bit more time. Or I'd love to get your real take on this because I'm hitting a wall. That's the kind of connection that I feel happens within organizations that are healthy and are actually building to scale and are leaning on each other in a way where you have all this great expertise and leaders around you. But if we're in a really competitive with each other, we're all working then in silos. So the way to build trust is to be able to say, I'd love to get your take. I'm not really sure that I know where to go next. I'm thinking it through, but in the meantime, can I share with you some of my ideas? That's what I would do. So, how do you do this? Because that sounds easy or maybe hard, but you have to start somewhere. Is I want you to start with curiosity, not a fret. Now, we're not confessing anything here. So you want to ask a general question at times. How are you finding this transition? How is your team integrating the latest software into your day-to-day tasks or responsibilities? What's your honest read on how this re-org is landing with the team? That's what we're talking about. We're not going to gossip, we're not going to back channel, but that invitation of curiosity is really, really more powerful at times than the actual disclosure because it signals safety. It signals that you're putting yourself out there and you're asking a question that maybe you don't know the answer to. And you're also not saying anything that you're putting yourself on the table that you're not ready to, but it's really offering an opportunity to appear to match that level of realness. And again, you're going to read the environment, right? So a formal leadership meeting is not the place with a with an agenda and an audience. That's not the time to bring in your unfiltered, honest thoughts about doubts unless that's on the agenda, right? Where you're in a one-on-one with a peer or your leader or your skipped level, that is the place to do it. Again, I wouldn't do it in a big meeting again, unless that is your culture and it is on the agenda. Recently, I was talking with a client and he found that every time they met as a leadership team, he was the only one that was bringing up real meeting challenges, which is he thought this is a brain truss. This is why we're meeting. We should be meeting to discuss this. And each time it almost ended up being like a sparring match between his boss and himself because the boss clearly did not want to have that conversation there. And then he said that after the third or fourth time over a few months that it happened, a couple of his buddies at work pulled them aside and were like, dude, what are you doing? This is not, that's not the time to be real and to share those things. Don't you see that, you know, insert boss's name just wants to have a kind of check-in, kind of a cheerleading meeting, right? That's what he wants. He does not actually want to have a group conversation about the areas they need to improve. Save that for the one-on-one. Um, so of course, my client had a big chuckle and was like, I don't know why it took me so long to figure this out, but I have finally figured it out. And he's like, I could hear you in my head, and it just sort of all clicked. Um, so also part of leadership intelligence is knowing the context that you're in and being able to calibrate, knowing the difference between venting and processing. So let's get clear on that. Venting to appear, especially about the organization or leadership above you or other colleagues, feels like realness, perhaps to you, but it isn't. It usually is just frustration looking for an audience, whereas processing is different. Processing might sound like I'm working through this and I feel like I'm leaning towards a decision, but I'd really value your perspective, right? One builds trust, the other, well, it creates risk and creates a discomfort, right? So build two or three peer relationships that you can really rely on internally where you can start to have this realness factor. You don't need to be real with everyone at every level. You don't need a complete circle of people to be doing this with you. You just need two to three people, maybe in different departments, probably better that it's across different departments, assuming you work with each other cross-functionally, that you're actually having a real conversation and then really making sure that you're building those relationships through valuable sharing, but not in that overshare. All right. The third section of being in real is exactly that realness without the oversharing. Where does it live? Because look, everyone hearing that, you know, bring your whole self to work, or um Brene Brown, who I love, talks a lot about vulnerability in the office. It kind of gives people a little bit of a panic, right? How much is too much? So I'm just going to give you a really simple reframe to put it through. Realness at work that I'm talking about serves the work and the relationship. Over sharing serves the sharer, either because it's funny or because gossip is a currency, right? That's what we are you helping the greater good, or is it all about the individual? If you admit that you've made a mistake and it helps the team learn and build trust, that's realness. If you're processing your anxiety about the position and this upcoming merger and the impact of AI, right? It's all me, me, me, I, I, I, you become the opera singer again, right? That is where it leaves your team feeling less confident. Your peers feel a little shaky. That's the oversharing. So when you tell your peers, Here. I'm not sure if I'm making the light call. I'd love to get your thoughts on this. Realness. When you download every frustration about your client to a colleague who now has to carry that burden of all of your drama, that's oversharing and it's gossipy. So ask yourself the question before you share anything real. Ask who does it serve? If the answer is honest and it primarily serves you, your need to process, your need to be understood, your need to release pressure, your need to like gossip a little bit, you got to find a different outlet. That could be a coach. Hey, like me. It could be a trusted friend outside of work. Maybe you need to journal, maybe a therapist, someone, a mentor, all valid, but all of those, there are better containers for you sharing that kind of information than processing with your team and your peer. Your job as a leader is to make sure that you're sharing in ways that the people around you can do something with the information, they can feel safer, maybe more trusted, more capable. And then all being clear that this is the challenge we need to work through because we're not clear, that's the line. So stay on the side of it that's the realness factor, right? That becomes one of your most powerful tools in leadership identity. And let's talk about the other side of it. If there is someone around you who you find is constantly crossing it, because it happens, as if working within an organization and there was one individual who was always sharing about how hard everything was, and it was really putting a burden on the team because most of the stuff they were sharing was external to the work and therefore had nothing to do with the people they were sharing with. And it just people don't know what to do with that. So a direct report turns every one-on-one into a grievance. If a peer turns every meeting into all the reasons why this won't happen and that they're tired, they didn't sleep, their kid is up all night, right? Like all these other types of grief, it turns into a grievance session. We're not talking about not being kind, because I'm going to give you scripting. Um, or a peer who constantly downloads all their frustration to you about, you know, even the work, even if it is about work. That is where we want to make sure that someone starts to sharing in that way has moved from honest into maybe feeling victimized and they're not necessarily processing anymore. They're oversharing. So here's what I want you to do without causing any additional harm or making the person feel rejected. If it's a direct report, say, listen, you know, make it making them know that you care about them, but you also have a responsibility to redirect. So you might say something like, hey, you know what? I hear you on this, and I want to make sure that you're getting the right support. Some of what you're carrying goes beyond what we can work through here. Have you thought about talking to someone in HR or talking to someone who specializes in this? Right. That's how you're pointing out to them that we're in one container and they need to take that conversation to another container. If it's a peer and you don't manage them, but you're finding that they're an energy vampire on your time and energy, you might want to say something like, Listen, friend, I want to be a good sounding board, but I also want to be honest here. I'm not sure I'm the right person to help you with this one. Have you talked to a coach or your manager or HR? Again, it depends on what it is, but you're staying clear and kind because clear is kind. And when it's becoming a pattern, you want to name it directly without making them wrong. Listen, I've noticed our conversations lately have been pretty heavy. And I want to check in with you. Are you getting what you need? I want to make sure that you have their support around you, right? It shifts the frame from like, we're not saying like you're too much to I want to make sure that you're being properly taken care of. So there's a through line to all three of these, right? We redirect with care, not with rejection. You're not closing a door, you're pointing them in a different direction. And that's the distinction, right? When it's handled well, that's the realness factor in the moment. And if you're being honest, you're being kind and you're protecting the relationship, but you're not letting someone or something take over into a place that the container was never designed to hold, right? I can't carry your backpack at work, right? I can't carry your stuff. It has to be about the work. I can hold space and I can gently guide you towards where I feel like you may need help or guide you to another area. So, this again, just to close out, this bringing this whole person to work, your whole self to work, we don't want it to slip into chaos. This is really where we want to remember you as the leader first. It's your invitation to lead, to make sure that you're leading honestly with humanity and making sure that you're doing it in a way that can help others feel safe. Because when you got this right, that's what you're modeling. You're modeling that realness, you're creating space for the team, you're building relationships. This is where conversations can really connect and we can really work through some of the challenges and obstacles in front of us. And that's when things start to shift because people stop performing and they start collaborating and contributing, right? Problems tend to then surface. We get to build trust, right? This is what we're talking about. Your leadership identity is built when we are being honest, when we are bringing our, you know, honest, occasionally imperfect human being, the selves that we are, it's gonna show up in every day. But when we choose to lead from a place of this realness, you start to really lead in a different way. And it's gonna feel really differently for you too, in a way that you're gonna feel the impact that you're making. That person, that's the person that your team has been leading for in what I call the next era of leadership. So the challenge for this week is I want you to pick one of these that's calling you. If you're the team, having conversations this week where you model realness, right? Own something, admit something, ask something real, notice what opens up. For your peers, reach out to a peer one-on-one and ask them how they're doing with something and maybe something that we know is hard or a challenge on deck. Just ask, see what happens, see how they're doing. And for yourself, the next time you're about to share something, ask, does this serve the work and the relationship, or does it serve me? Right? Let that question be the guide because that's where you want to be leading and making sure in the next era of leadership, how you're showing up. All right, friends, if this episode resonated with you, share it. Share it with someone in your life who you think has been hiding behind their armor or is dealing with people in their organization who are oversharing and they can really use some guidance. I'm guessing this could help them and they need to hear it. As always, email me, hello at JillGriffinCoaching.com. I want to hear your questions, your comments. Uh, I love hearing from you. It's a great part of my week when I get to open those emails. So until next time, friends, be real. Bring that realness factor to work. Be intentional and always, always, always be kind. All right, I'll see you next time.