Direct vs. Rude: What Leaders Need to Know About Communication Style and Impact

Directness is prized in some organizations and penalized in others. But the gap between direct and rude isn't personality. It's a choice. In this episode, Jill Griffin breaks down: 

• What actually happens when communication gets misread
• How to calibrate if you've been told you're too direct
• Learn to separate content from delivery
• What to do if someone's communication style is triggering you 

Transcript

Directness Versus Rudeness

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey friends, I'm Jill Griffin, the host of the Career Refresh. And today we're talking about a topic that I know affects many of my clients. And I would say me too. When someone tells you you're direct, it lands differently, depending on who is saying it. Sometimes it's a compliment, and sometimes it's a diagnosis. The gap between those two reactions is going to tell you something very important about how you or your organization or the communities that you run in actually operate. Let's break it down. Let's dig in and figure out where you land on this spectrum. A few things happen when directness gets misread as rudeness. The receiver is going to potentially feel dismissed or steamrolled. The sender may think they're just being clear. Neither one is wrong about what is happening, which of course lies the problem. Because directness without awareness for how it lands can just feel not actually direct. It can feel imprecise. It can feel mean. It can feel attacking. And direct communication is often clear and honest. It is not ambiguous, but directness without consideration for the person who is hearing it starts to become something else. And it becomes a balance of efficiency at the cost of connection. And a leader who only values uh efficacy is going to lose information, trust, and the people who they're engaging with who might think before they're they're speaking.

How Culture Shapes What Lands

SPEAKER_00 1:54

Your organizational culture may reward uh directness or it may penalize it. A startup may have a norm that they're working fast and we should give blunt direct feedback, clear as kind. A nonprofit may have norms that the agreement is towards alignment and softness at any cost because it fits within the values of the organization. A tech company may read directness as confidence, whereas a service company may read it as direct aggression. Regional cultures now lay on top of that. You may find that in New York, where I'm from and live currently, uh, I'm definitely in New York or nowhere, girl. You may tolerate a level of directness that makes people from other regions uncomfortable. The way sometimes the various organizations I worked in within New York City, the way we spoke to each other, I didn't view it as rude. But then we took on clients that came from different regions of the United States or globally, and they found it very rude. And we had to really think and calibrate ourselves accordingly. Uh, this is the same point, South or California may read softness as kindness. They also may read it as avoidance. So cultural differences are what's going to happen within, you know, culture and then cultural differences.

Directness Is A Learnable Choice

SPEAKER_00 3:25

It's also about what language signals and what is the intent. But here's what I want you to pause and what matters. Directness is a choice. It's not a personality trait that you get stuck with. It's understanding that you are giving direct feedback because you believe clear is kind. I didn't realize that I was direct until I started working with non-New Yorkers. This is very early on in my career, where people were giving feedback to my leadership during 360s, where Jill's really direct. And I'm like, but isn't that faster? And just understanding that at times I needed to read the room, I needed to slow down. I stepped in it sometimes because I was very direct and just saying what it was and didn't actually realize that my title, my stature, um, I'm 5'10, my physical presence could actually be intimidating to some people. You layer that on with directness. And as a leader, because I choose to be a leader that leads with kindness. Again, I believe clear is kind, but I choose to lead with kindness and efficiency. So I had to really balance

Separate Tone From The Message

SPEAKER_00 4:28

that. So listen, if you're the one who's receiving the directness and getting triggered, I want you to pause and really try to separate the words, the story, the content from the delivery. What is actually being said? Is it true? Is it useful? And once you've pulled those apart, you may be able to hear the information or the content without the tone living rent-free in your nervous system. The trigger may mean one of a few things. It could be you weren't expecting feedback, you feel insecure, and they've actually hit the wound, right? They hit the spot about the thing that they're saying, they've hit it, or their style just may fundamentally not match yours, and your brain is reading it as a threat. I want to pause. This is real. This is real for some of us, right? My husband calls my family the louds. And I'm the quiet one in my family. So when he first started coming to family events, he was like, whoa, this is direct and loud, a bunch of New Yorkers, right? He's originally from Indiana, a lovely state, but the style in his family and his culture was very different. So there's ways that it might show up in your personal relationships, too. So these ways, whether you're weren't expecting the feedback, whether you're feeling insecure about the feedback or the thing that they're saying, or the style just fundamentally doesn't match what you're experiencing, these are all fixable. I want you to think about the clarifying question that you might pose to the person who's giving you the feedback. As the receiver, you might work through, again, this is a mindset thing. So this is a good thing to work through with a coach or a mentor, saying to someone, Jill, when you say that, what specifically are you referring to? So that you're actually able to focus them, the feedback on getting super clear. And this usually slows down the conversation enough that you can start to hear the intent behind the conversation. And if it's a pattern, I want you to name it, not in a confrontational way. You may say something like, Listen, I notice that you give pretty direct feedback and I want to make sure I'm not missing any nuances. Can you walk me through this thinking? Can you walk me through your just discernment or your decision making as to how you came to this conclusion? You're inviting them into the gap without making them at fault, right? Especially if there is an organizational chart, right? If they're senior to you, depending on where you are and where you work, asking someone to walk me through this experience may be looked upon as equally aggressive or disrespectful, or culturally, you wouldn't say that out of reverence or respect, especially if you're working in some cultures. So you want to say to them that you're inviting them into the gap and making it not their fault, but that you're calling a spotlight on that they communicate differently than you do.

Ask For Specific Evidence

SPEAKER_00 7:31

If we've been told you're very direct, I want you to ask what this means to the person you're saying it to. Is this working for them or against them? If you've heard this before, perhaps someone said to you, like, wow, you're really direct. I had had experience in which I was told by a supervisor that I wasn't being direct enough. So I marched into my next meeting to a peer who was new to the organization, and I was very direct. And her feedback in the meeting was this is really direct and confrontational. And when I think back now, we became fantastic friends after. But when I think back now, she was coming from another culture, both from an academic experience and from a different state in the US Union. And moving into New York, this was considered very confrontational to her. But I thought that's the way I need it to be, because that was the feedback that I was getting, right? So you can see how intent versus impact could have really harmed a communication and a relationship and therefore a working relationship, which is the last thing that I wanted. So if you've been told you're too direct, it's really broad. If you've been told, you know what, you told me my idea is weak, then information is something you can work with. You want to make sure that you're noticing who flinches. Look to see if you can read body language. It may not be obvious, especially if you're handling the conversation virtually, it may be really hard or someone might be masking. You may not be able to see the impact of the words that you have. So you really want to notice if it's specific to people or context or subject matter. You want to see do you have a calibration problem? Calibration is easy. You just need to figure out based on who you're talking to, how you might approach it differently. Don't worry, I'm going to give you some tips. The people who know you well and trust you might not flinch because you've built up trust and they're just used to hearing it. That your language style may not make someone defensive, but someone who is newer to the team or newer to you may actually read what you're saying, get very defensive. Your peer group may have a norm that communication style is really direct and fast and furious, but that doesn't work when you're trying to lead people. They may be really intimidated by it. That's what I was saying before, where you also have to look at what are the physicality. Are you taller in stature? Are you standing over someone and giving them direct feedback? Are they sort of backing up and like, you know, and almost like flinching in the way? Things that you need to be noticing, especially as a leader, it's really important that you notice the the power that you bring to a situation.

Calibrate For Groups And Power

SPEAKER_00 10:11

Directness at scale requires redundancy, right? You can say something one way in a one-on-one conversation, but at a team, the same sentence really may hit nervous systems differently. And that's just physics, right? It's not considered a weakness. Someone's not considered soft. It's really making sure that you're matching your intent and your delivery. You want to be clear, you want to create an impact, you want to be heard, you want to create influence, but you also want people to act on what you're saying, not abort mission. So that directness, it's really important that it doesn't just land as Jill's yelling or she takes that tone with us, right? Because then people are going to shut down and not listen to you. All right. Let me get super, super clear. Let me be direct. But the person being called direct, ask what it specifically means when someone says you're direct. I'm direct tells you nothing. If you shut down my idea in a meeting, it gives you something to work with. Get the evidence before you adjust anything. Watch who reacts. It's not everyone. If it's your direct reports or newer members of the team, but not your peers, you really need to understand that you have a calibration problem. You need to understand how to have a lighter touch versus a firmer touch based on who you're talking to. You may be more direct with people who feel safe with you and therefore they're not afraid to disagree with you. Notice that. Also, say the same thing, but also say it twice so it lands differently, right? Here's calibration. If you're addressing a group, there may be a version one-on-one that's going to land fine in the private conversation, but may actually feel harsh in a room full of people where everybody's at a different level, or maybe feels a different amount of psychological safety. That redundancy isn't like it's not an effectiveness of your um communication style. It's making sure that the message lands across the room and saying it different ways. So you may find a way that maybe you're starting with a softer message and you get firmer in time, maybe or more direct in time, maybe you're starting with a very direct message. And as you're warming up, you get um softer in the message. Again, that's about you and your style. It's something that I would encourage you to work with, either if your company has a really strong 360 and uh review system, it's a great opportunity for you to work on there, or it's something you can work on with a mentor or a coach.

Reframing Style Without Excusing Harm

SPEAKER_00 12:44

Get really, really clear. All right, on the other side of the coin, if you are the receiver, again, I want you to separate what's being said from how it's being said. For years, I worked with an individual that I thought was yelling at me all the time until one time I kind of muttered under my breath and was like, Hey, oh, he's yelling. And my colleague who sat nearby was like, that's not yelling, that's just his style. And it was the first time that I was like, oh, could I think about this differently? Now look, I'm not suggesting that that's the style you take, but I chose to work there. I overall saw this, the person I worked for as being um really instrumental, really innovative, and really smart. And I wanted to stay there. I just had to figure out a way to work within my nervous system. I also could have probably chosen to rotate or leave, but those are the choices I made at the time because I didn't have the privilege of just quitting a job and being like, I don't want to work here anymore. And at the end of the day, I'm really glad that I did stick it out. It wasn't abusive. Again, if this is abusive, this is we're not talking about that, people. That this is abusive, get out or figure out how you can address it with your supervisor or with um someone safe within the organization. That's not what we're talking about. We're just talking about the language and styling was a little bit different. So separating that from the content from the words, is there anything a person saying that's true? Is it useful? Your your nervous system is going to adjust and just make sure in time that the tone doesn't mean that the feedback is wrong. The feedback might be right. It just might have been delivered in a way that you're like, geez, that's really unfortunate that they're talking to me that way. Next, I want you, if you were the receiver, I want you to ask them to work through their thinking. So you may say something to them like, listen, when you say that, what specifically are you seeing? So this slows down the conversation enough that you can hear the intent instead of just the sharp edges of the delivery. And last is name the pattern directly. You may say to someone, listen, I notice that you tend toward a pretty direct feedback. I want to make sure that I'm not missing any nuance. Can you help me understand how you got here? You're not making them at fault for the communication, but you're driving them to specificity, which then may be able to help help you hear the nuance and the feedback and then decide how you're going to take it moving forward. Friends, this is real. This happens. Directness is not always rudeness. And I understand based on different backgrounds and experiences that sometimes it may really be triggering. It also may be really effective and you may appreciate the directness. It's kind of like when I worked in data and um analytics, I really appreciated not only the factual information where I knew what to deal with because numbers are clean. They just tell you what the numbers are, and then you get to decide what you're doing with it. I also worked for someone who was very direct because believed that the numbers were the truth, and therefore we got to decide what it was. Really helped me start to separate story from fact, take the story, and then decide. I mean, let's face it, if we're using numbers to present a case, we can then then reshape the story and use it accordingly. But I still had to be able to effectively hear my leadership.

Kind Efficiency And Listener Qs

SPEAKER_00 15:52

I want to hear from you. I want to hear how you're dealing with it. Are you working with someone who's super direct? Do you consider them rude? Are they different from the culture you grew up with or the culture that you knew now work in or the category that you moved to? How is that landing for you? Email me at hello at geologincoaching.com. And friends, really think through are you being direct? Are you getting your message across? If people can't hear you, then you have to calibrate your message. So really leading with that efficiency, sure, but making sure that you're always kind. All right, friends, I will see you next time. Have a great week.