Alcohol Relapse Got You Down? How To Get Back on Track After a Sobriety Relapse (and Regain Your Motivation to Stay Sober)

Relapsing after a period of sobriety can feel devastating.

Shame creeps in.
 Motivation drops.
 And the thought “Maybe I just can’t do this” gets loud.

In episode  263 of the Sober Vibes Podcast, I talk openly about alcohol relapse, why it happens, how alcohol and stress are often connected, and what to do next without turning a setback into a full spiral.

Relapse doesn’t erase your progress.
 It identifies where support and structure need strengthening.

In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

• Why a sobriety relapse is not proof that you failed
• How shame after relapse damages motivation more than alcohol does
• What to do immediately after drinking so you can get back on track
• The real connection between alcohol and stress
• Practical ways to relax without alcohol when emotions feel overwhelming
• How to rebuild your motivation to stay sober after a setback
• Why a sober community increases long-term success
• How sobriety coaching provides tools, structure, and compassion

This conversation is especially supportive for shaky sober women who have quit before, relapsed, and now feel afraid to try again.

Alcohol and stress are deeply intertwined for many women. Without learning how to regulate stress and relax without alcohol, old coping patterns can resurface quickly.

Relapse is information — not a verdict.

Growth Mindset is what I kept forgetting to say.

Resources & Support Mentioned:

• Sobriety Circle — ongoing support for women exploring alcohol-free living
• Sober Breakthrough Session — personalized guidance from a sobriety coach
• 1:1 Sober Coaching 
• Free tools for navigating the first 30 days without alcohol
• The After-Emotional Sobriety Program

Gain access to my Masterclass when you submit a review on iTunes. Email me sobervibes@gmail.com with a screenshot of the review, and I will send you the code to unlock my Masterclass for free!

Thank you for tuning in!

Thank you for listening! Help the show by Rating, Reviewing, and/or Subscribing to the Sober Vibes Podcast.

Connect w/ Courtney:
Instagram
Join the Sobriety Circle

Apply for 1:1 Coaching
Order the Sober Vibes Book

Transcript

Welcome & Purpose Of The Talk

Courtney Andersen 0:00

Welcome to Sober Vibes, your podcast for alcohol-free lifestyle tips and real talk about long-term sobriety. I'm your host, Courtney Anderson, sober coach, author, and mom. Each week I share strategies, stories, and encouragement to help you navigate cravings, build confidence, and thrive in sobriety. Whether you're sober curious or years in, this is your space to feel supported and inspired. Hey, welcome to the Sober Vibes Podcast. I am your host and sober coach Courtney Anderson. You are listening to episode 263. So if you're listening to this episode because you relapsed or you drink after a stretch of sobriety, I want to start by saying this very clearly because so many women think that they're like broken, that they erased all this progress. And then this does not mean that you can't do this, okay? This episode is for the women who quit before, slipped, and now feels heavy with shame and fear, regret, or the thought maybe just I don't have what it takes. I can't do this, right? I'll just be drinking forever. So let's talk about what relapse actually means, right? And how to get back on track without punishing yourself or giving up. Relapse isn't a character flaw, right? It's really a signal of what's going on with you. So relapse is often treated like proof of failure, and it's totally not. In reality, relapse is usually a signal, a signal that stress got too loud, it got the best of you, right? You're your possibly your schedule is very overwhelming. Support ran thin. Maybe you decided to, you were in a support group, whether that's in person, online community, and then you just stopped showing up. You pulled away from that, emotions became high, some type of life circumstance happened, right? Or alcohol, again, became the fastest way to cope. And most relapses are tied to a stress, mainly, right? And not lack

Relapse Reframed As A Signal

Courtney Andersen 2:08

of desire to be sober. Also, too, remember when you've had a substance in your life for 25 years and you were in your 90 days of sobriety, your mind is still very much connected to that was your coping. And that's what I want you to understand. Please always remember how long you had this in your life for, especially to if you've had this the periods of sobriety and then you go back to it, like and it was periods, let's say you had six months and then you went back to it. Like you still have to adjust to that substance being in your life for so long. Now, for me, before I quit drinking, I had four years of trying to moderate. And there were periods in that four years, okay, I'll try to go 30 days without drinking, or I got a couple weeks in. Like I don't have a problem. But then when I stopped on August 18th of 2012, I have not had a sip of alcohol yet. But that was really two of me having to recondition my brain and figure out other ways to cope besides alcohol. All right. Because I know me, and I just know if I were to take a sip of alcohol again, I would pick up where I left off. So why even try? Why even try to go back there and be like, well, let me just see, my life is is different now. It's because there's no point because I know I do not have an off switch. I know that about myself. And in that first year of my sobriety, I was programming that into my mind. Yes, was it not a good, it was not a good time, but I had to because I couldn't go back to what that life was. And I want you to know that this isn't like some you're not lacking to you're not lacking something of not wanting to be so sober. It's just oftentimes a lot of people when they quit, they don't understand all what has to go into it. It's not just about quitting drinking alcohol. You do have to totally reprogram your life, not in a day, but within these baby steps of taking a little on each day, even figuring out your schedule, even hanging out with some friends

Courtney’s Story And No Off Switch

Courtney Andersen 4:20

on the weekends where it's oh my God, it figuring out at the core of you, like what fits best. Going again back to being an introvert and extrovert. When an introvert is trying to push being an extrovert because they fought for so many years of that introverted side, you are going to then end up drinking because at the core of you, that is not who organically who you are. Okay. Even the same thing too with the weekends when you are you are scheduling yourself to go to five different events. The only reason you were able to go through those five different events is because you were drinking on this day, now in your sober life, you cannot do five events because you are good with two. Three is when you're like, Oh, I need to drink to push through these. So you that's what I'm talking about. People have to dial back their schedules. And if you're sitting here being like, I don't want to do that, okay, then best of luck to you of trying, and I don't mean to sound like an asshole, and I'm sure that just came off an asshole, but like you do have to sacrifice some things, especially early on, not saying that there's gonna be something down the road where you can be like, oh yeah, I'm really happy with going to five events, but you have to sacrifice some stuff in the early days so you can maintain long-term sobriety. Okay, take it from me. I was very much a person who was out and about in life. And I am so happy that my ass was able to sit down for a little bit, especially in those 90 days, because now I'm able, and it not even today, but years ago, being able to go to a concert and not have it affect me. Some nights going out and staying out late with girlfriends and being like, this doesn't affect me. Being able to sit in a restaurant and not be bothered by alcohol being served, being able to go back to work in the restaurant industry and serve alcohol to people and not sit there and be like, I want one. You know what I mean? So it's just like there is some stuff you have to change about your own lifestyle and how you operated at in your drinking days to then now fit this aligned version. And when you don't do that, you are gonna tax your nervous system and then you are going to end up drinking. Okay. So when we respond to a relapse or a slip with shame, the spiral is just going to get

Rebuilding Life To Fit Sobriety

Courtney Andersen 6:45

worse and worse, right? Shame does not make you stronger, it makes you want to hide, right? It makes you want to hide and recluse and isolate yourself because then you don't have to deal. Like you didn't deal with it for a long time in your active drinking days. So, why what makes the relapse feel so defeating? After a relapse, and I just want to say this I do think that there's a difference between a slip and a relapse. A slip, I would look at you drank one day, you had maybe a glass or two of wine, and then you poured it down the sink. And then compared to a relapse, I do think a relapse is when you go into multiple days of drinking or weeks, a couple months worth of times between sobriety. Uh, that's what I look at as a as a relapse, okay? But after a relapse, a lot of women tell themselves things like this because it goes into the shame. I knew this would happen. What's wrong with me? I'm not good at sobriety. I can't even stay sober for X amount of days. I might as well stop train trying, especially as we get older. You're gonna start saying to yourself, I'm 60 years old, what's the point? I'm 70 years old. What is the point of me stopping this now? I've been doing this since I was 20. And that thinking really is more dangerous than drinking itself. Because it's a very, uh, it is a very, oh my God, it is not a growth mindset. Okay. It's not. It's not a growth mindset. It is a very, I'm trying to think of the other type of mindset. It's gonna come to me tonight when I'm laying in bed and being like, oh, so you know what? When I do my show notes, I will add in the mindset I'm talking about, but it's very stuck and it's stagnant, and it's very familiar with alcohol, of how alcohol in that cycle wants to keep you stuck and small, and you're matured at at a very you're in that maturity mindset of a 19-year-old. Okay. Once shame takes over and the motivation to stay sober, it it drops, right? And not because you don't care, but because it feels safe to give up than to hope again, right? And your your brain wants to protect you. So relapse doesn't mean sobriety isn't possible. It means the approach, your approach this time around, might need support and not pressure. Perfect example. I'm currently working with a woman right now. She had a go of five years of sobriety. And we just had a session last week. She's about three and a half weeks sober at this point as I record this. But we were going through it and and talking, and she was saying about how this time she's not counting days, and that feels so much better for her than when she was counting days before. Because she was like, I felt like I had something to be like, oh, show my family, like I have this many days sober, but it felt very, very much pressured. And here's the deal: if you don't want to count days because it's too much for you, then don't count them. Okay. And if that works best for you, then that's what you need to do. But if you're like, I'm a day counter, or you went the opposite where you're like the beginning, I didn't count days, but now I'm doing it, and like the day counting

Shame Spiral And Mindset Traps

Courtney Andersen 10:15

is helping me and keep accountable, then by all means do it. But the the thing of where I'm saying is you need to find the support that is going to benefit you and at the core of who you are, right? And not keep adding pressure to yourself. And that might be just in switching it up this time of not day counting, right? So, what should you do immediately after you have a relapse? Right? The next right steps for you. And I I don't want to put this pressure on yourself of like, don't look at this again for forever. Especially you're new, you're you're at ground zero here. And it's like, let's just look at now, let's look at today. All right. So you will stop future tripping, but then to a point, you're gonna be like, forever is is good. I'm comfortable with that. There's too much looking down the road in this path and what a lot of people talk about, and it's just like just for today, okay? You need to stop the punishment. That's the first thing you need to do. Okay, no more beating yourself up, no, no more starting over declarations, right? No, none of that, right? The moment doesn't define you. Second, you need to interrupt the isolation, please. Relapses thrives in silence. Connection is key. Even one honest conversation that will help regulate your nervous system. Even if you are in therapy, start talking about it with your therapist because a lot of you guys, and I just know that, and myself included, remember, I fired my therapist when she was on to me when she was like, you know, everything, like you got everything going, but do you ever think about quitting drinking alcohol? And then that's when I fired her. But maybe it's time to start being honest with your therapist. And if your therapist has told you you're not a person who has a drinking problem, go get a new therapist because then they're not listening to you. Okay. Or having an honest conversation with, I don't know, a partner, a best friend, a sister, whatever way. But being honest is gonna be a breath of fresh air, and that truly will get that elephant off of your chest, right? And again, it's gonna help the nervous system, your nervous system. This is why, too, and I will always go back to it, why a sober community matters so much after a slip. Okay, so find yourself a sober community if you haven't. As always, you can check out the sobriety circle. And let's start getting third. Let's get curious and not critical of yourself. And I know the majority of people who listen to this are high achieving women. And I know there's some dudes out there, so thanks, dudes, for listening to the show. But we, as high achievers, have been criticizing ourselves from the get. So we have to stop doing that. You are not a machine, you are not chat GPT, yo. You are not perfect, you're not, and you have to drop that ego right now, and you have to get curious and stop getting critical on yourself. When I say you're not chat GPT, you're not perfect, you're not a robot, okay? So ask yourself, what was I feeling before I drank? What stress was I carrying? What support was missing?

Slips Versus Relapse Defined

Courtney Andersen 13:40

And then this inform this is information, okay, and it's not evidence against you, and sometimes too, and a lot of people a lot of people end up coming to me because I'm their last resort. And I'm fine with that. I'm your last good time gal, okay, when it comes to this stuff, and that is it's like a lot, a lot, a lot of the women I have worked with, either in one-on-one or in who've entered in the sobriety circle, come in there doing things differently. And where they could have learned from these questions I just asked you, where they learn it's okay, what do I need to do differently? Where this continues to stick for the version I see of myself and the version I want of myself, right? So just remember use that as information, but don't hold it against yourself, all right? And don't be critical of yourself. And again, why willpower isn't the answer? A lot of women respond to relapse by trying to lock it down harder. They put more rules on themselves, more pressure. You already have a fuck ton of pressure on yourself, right? So more self-control. Why can't I be doing this? What is wrong with me? I'm I get I got A, B, C, and D covered, right? But again, relapse usually happens when somebody is exhausted and overwhelmed. When you are taxed out. That's what I'm saying. A lot of people I work with, we figure out your schedule and we want to, I want to take you from Monday through Sunday or Sunday through Saturday. Like you have to be even through that. And that's what I'm saying, like looking at your actual schedule of the let's just get that nervous system going all week long because we don't want to tax you out so bad by Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, then by Thursday, you're like, oh man, let me come drink on Friday and then get hammered all through the weekend. Then Sunday I wake up and then I have the scaries, I have the anxiety, and then I'm back to work and I'm doing this the same old, same old. So exhaustion is key. Parenting of what I have learned, I think you're just gonna be exhausted all the way through, right? Till the baby is born, the baby is born until they leave the nest. And then when they leave the nest, it's a whole new, it's a whole new thing, right? But from zero to 18, it's it's different phases. And then even too, if parents of older kids, it's like now you get into the thing where you're just a taxi cab for these kids on the weekends, or you're doing all of these traveling sports, and there's not time for you. And that's uh an exhaustion, right? The relapse really does come when somebody is exhausted emotionally or mentally. And this is uh same thing with maybe you're not a parent, but it's just you have a lot, a lot, a lot on your plate. Maybe too, you're a caretaker for a parent and you're watching a parent die. I I I watched that in 2025. That was not a good that was not a good time. That was not a good time. And it's very sad because nobody prepares. My brother and I had this conversation where we're like talking about being in our 40s, right? And it's like there's there's things on your plate in your 40s where nobody really prepares you

Immediate Steps After A Slip

Courtney Andersen 17:00

for that midlife, like, and then it's just wow, huh? This is where people have midlife crisis. That's not funny, and you guys, my midlife crisis in January. I'm not even kidding you, because I've just allowed myself in January to rest my nervous system. And a girlfriend of mine recommended me a book, and then all of a sudden, my algorithm was into like dark romances, and I read three dark romance novels, but it took my mind off stuff, and I was like, whatever. But I told my husband, I said, This is my midlife crisis. Okay, get me some dark romance books for Valentine's Day because I have a couple series I now have to read. Anyways, that's my midlife crisis, but I see how people in their 40s go into midlife crises. Okay, back to the alcohol-related stuff. So emotionally and mentally exhausted, you are going to relapse. And that's what I was trying to say with clients. I like to get them to the point where it's not always a continuous state of mind. And that really is nowadays like why you have to dig deep into self-care, why you have to stop scrolling the internet, why you have to take a break from the news feeds. I mean, that shit is taxing all on itself. Uh what has been released in the past couple weeks, you can't, it's all it's over everything. It's over everything, and it's the most disturbing stuff ever. So that's why I'm saying, like, you really do have to, and I hate to say this because I'm so mad that we have to now say this living a more analog-free life is going to help your nervous system if you can help it. And that's even just by meditating on a daily basis. Maybe doing some journaling, maybe reading, getting into some adult coloring books, like stuff like that. So don't say, don't think when I say analog free, I'm just saying doing something different besides scrolling your phone and being glued to the news, right? Not saying all of you guys have been glued to the news, but you know what I'm trying to get across here. So alcohol always becomes the way to relax, to numb, to check out. So then simply removing it without replacement really leaves a big, huge gap. And then it also feels like you're depriving yourself. So you really have to learn how to relax without alcohol. All right. This is like huge and it's essential. Let's not even go into like how am I gonna have fun without alcohol? You need to start first with learning how to relax without alcohol. So again, here's just more examples of it look might it more examples for you is slowing your evenings down, right? Again, learning how to decompress safely, regulating stress instead of muscling through it, building routines that support your nervous system. And that's what I'm saying. Like the huge thing is a schedule, schedule issue because again, you're probably taxing yourself by your schedule. If you are in retirement, you have to start moving your day-to-day around to fill up those voids because you so might so much might not be taxed, but you now have a schedule where it's okay, four o'clock was the time that I drank. So, what can we do in that four o'clock hour? So, even for retirees listening to this, you have

Support, Therapy, And Community

Courtney Andersen 20:45

to start rearranging your schedule. So, again, sobriety isn't just about not drinking, all right? It's about creating the life that you don't want to escape for, or that doesn't require you to escape. So, how to rebuild motivation after relapse, okay? Motivation doesn't come from guilt, and motivation is good up until a certain point to get you to that point. I'm starting from like day back to day one, all right? And that's what it's like, all right, let me get this back in. But motivation in the beginning is key. Motivation, it's gonna come from self-trust, and self-trust is rebuilt by responding with yourself with compassion, meeting yourself with where you're at, choosing support instead of isolation. That's huge, putting structure around stress and letting somebody help you, just letting somebody help you, okay? That is huge, huge, huge. And you have to find what who that somebody is outside of maybe particularly your family, because oftentimes it's very easy if you are with a parent partner for them. To just enable you and be like, or they've let you do this for a long time. So I always highly recommend to get yourself support. You can look into my one-on-one coaching or even in my sobriety circle. You can go to courtningrecovery.com or you can find it in the show notes below. But accountability, support outside of your family will be key. You can also do that too. If you go into AA and of the 12-step program, you can find that. You can find that in a therapist as well. So there's support or a friend, and that is fine too. It's good if you find a friend who has had the same issue because they can help you and be supportive in that way. When I tell you it is very, very hard when you start talking to about sobriety and drinking with somebody who has not been there, it's very hard for them to understand. All right. Just keep that in mind. So that's why I'm always like, it's good to find yourself a place where people get it. So just keep in mind that if you are currently right now in that relapse and you're like, I need I can't do this anymore, that you can do this, that you are actually stronger than you think. And then I want you to look back of what you have done in this life and look back into the stents of sobriety that you have. And I will tell you this that you need to say to yourself once you get going and you have some days. Anytime you think about drinking, I want you to say to yourself, it is easier to keep going than it is to start over. Especially for everybody who is aging, and that is at all of us, but after a certain point in life, you it will get harder and harder and harder for you to start over. It will get harder for you. And I actually had I coached I coached a guy a couple of years back. Yes, a couple years back, and that's what he said. He was like, I'm noticing as older I as I get, the older I get, he's this is and he had many spots of sobriety.

Curiosity Over Criticism

Courtney Andersen 24:10

He was like, it's starting to get harder for me to get back to a day one. So keep that in mind. That next time you want to go out and you want to drink, nope, this is just gonna get harder and harder and harder. But it's it's easier to not drink today. And keep it in the now. And like I said, ask yourself those questions. What do I need support in this moment? Like, how can I support myself? What do I need to do to do things differently? How can I support my nervous system so then I'm not out so I'm not so taxed on a Thursday? I'm just ready to say effic come Friday. So that's the kind of stuff you have to really look into your day-to-day to keep your long-term sobriety going. All right. All right, good people of the world. I hope this helped you today. As always, you can reach out to me at Silver Vives on Instagram or feel free to email me and let me know how this episode helped you. Check out all of my coaching information in the show notes below. Yes. All right, good people of the world. As always, keep on trucking.