I’m Just Trying to Figure Out My Relationship with Alcohol” (Why You Feel Stuck in the Moderation Cycle)

If you’ve ever said, “I’m just trying to figure out my relationship with alcohol,” you’re not alone, and you’re not doing anything wrong.

In this episode of the Sober Vibes Podcast, I break down why this common phrase often keeps women stuck in the moderation cycle longer than they realize.

What sounds like curiosity is often actually uncertainty, emotional exhaustion, and years of trying to make drinking “work” in a way that no longer feels sustainable.

In This Episode, You’ll Learn

• why “figuring it out” can keep you stuck in the moderation cycle
 • the difference between curiosity and avoidance
 • why restarting rules and breaks rarely leads to lasting change
 • better questions to ask instead of “Can I drink less?”
 • how clarity begins when you stop negotiating with alcohol

Instead of trying to figure out your relationship with alcohol forever, this episode will help you start getting honest about what’s actually happening—and what you want your life to look like instead.

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Transcript

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The Phrase That Signals Trouble

Courtney Andersen 0:10

Hey, welcome back to the Sober Vibes podcast. I am your host and sober coach, Courtney Anderson. You were listening to episode 281. I got a good one today. I got a good one. So this is for those who keep saying this to themselves, right? That I'm just trying to figure out my relationship with alcohol. That is what this episode is about today. Okay. Usually when women say that, it sounds like you are like trying to do your own personal research. You're trying to be responsible. You're trying to have an awareness, right? Around what this thing is going to be like with alcohol. Maybe it's like almost dating in the beginning. You're taking your time, you're being super intentional, right? But usually underneath, when it's when somebody says this, it's because that they know that they have an issue. Okay. This is coming from a person who thought that, and I know what it's like to have a drinking issue. And this has also come from the many, many, many, many, many women I have coached throughout the years. Okay. And usually when you start saying the sprays, it's because you have then welcomed alcohol back into your life. And this is where it you feel like it goes into the it will go into the moderation trap. Okay. Because then once you reintroduce it, I'm going to tell you that usually when you reintroduce it, it speeds up. As in you're like, oh, I'm just going to try to figure out this relationship with alcohol. And then you go back to drinking, and the first night you have one drink. And then by day seven, you have five, six. So I want you to get out of that trap in that way of thinking. So this episode is definitely, definitely for you because at the end of the day, it's that addiction speaking. It is that son of a bitch that's speaking. Okay.

Ways To Get Extra Support

Courtney Andersen 2:09

Before we get started in today's episode, as always, if you are looking for more help on your sober journey, I do have my sober coaching. All the information is in the show notes below. I have my stop starting over program. That's my one-on-one. That's a self-guided course. I have sobriety circle. That is my monthly membership community. There's meetings in that for the month of July. You can use code SOBORJELLY and it will get you $10 off your first month. You can cancel at any time. And then also to I have my one-on-one coaching. Again, all the information is in the show notes below, or you can go to CourtneyRecovered.com and find all of my resources and information there. Okay.

Why Reintroducing Alcohol Speeds Up

Courtney Andersen 2:50

So what does it really mean when you say you are trying to figure it out? Right. So it almost sounds again, maybe possibly going back to like the sober curiosity, right? But often it is an uncertainty, right? It can be a softer way of avoiding a decision. But also too, a lot of people end up saying this when they reintroduce it into their life, right? And you're trying to hope that moderation will eventually feel easier. Usually, too, when a person quits drinking, they like to look at it to be like, well, I was in a bad place in my life because of X, Y, and Z. Because that is used as an excuse. Okay. Because usually too, you do you there's you pinpoint it in your life. You know when your drinking increased, okay? But so your drinking increases, and then it's okay, well, I'm not in that marriage anymore. I'm not, I'm I have a new job, right? I'm not in a pandemic anymore. It was stressful, blah, blah, blah. Whatever the case may be, there was an excuse. So a lot of people then reintroduce alcohol because they're like, I'm in a better spot in my life. But then when you what you come to find out is that it's, oh no, no, I already opened this can of worms before. And majority of people, I would probably say about 85% of people who have problematic relationships with alcohol. And once it has taken over the brain, there is no putting these worms back in the can. You it the damage has been done. There is few people I have ever met in my life, very few, that said, I used to have an issue and now I can, now I'm quote unquote a moderate drinker. That's a unicorn. All right. So with this, when you start saying stuff like that, like trying to figure out my relationship with alcohol, there's nothing to figure out. And I say this with love because I know majority of you who are listening to this, you're not, you're, you know, you have an issue. And this isn't just somebody who's, I woke up one day and I was like, Oh, I have I need to figure out my relationship with alcohol. Again, that's a very, very small percentage. A very, very small percentage of people quit drinking alcohol because of their health. Legit. Okay. And I know it's hard to see too, because on Instagram and on social media, it's like you see people who are constantly optimizing every single goddamn minute of the day and optimizing everything of their life, and then they quit drinking to continue to optimize it, but that that but they didn't have a problem. They're doing it

The "I’m Better Now" Excuse

Courtney Andersen 5:40

for peak health, right? That is exhausting. And can I just say the past couple of weeks I've been at the dictators things and like I don't know what it is, but there is this one mom who likes to sit next to me at swim class and she doesn't even sit, she stands and does does squats the whole time. And then at his soccer, I saw this dad two weeks in a row where he was doing squats. I'm like, can we just sit in our chairs for 30 minutes? All right, to each their own. But this goes back to the optimization. Okay. So again, that's a very smallest percentage. Majority of people who are listening to this podcast who are reading quitlicks, who quit lit books, who are doing the thing, have an issue with alcohol. But when you start to use this phrase, it's the allowance of it that you're trying to be like, okay, well, nothing bad happened, right? So I can go back to this. I'm in a better state of mind. And then sure, slowly but surely, you end up to the point where it's you were right back to when you quit because you're like, oh my God, this is what happens when I drank, right? And you're trying to look for a version of yourself in alcohol that does not exist. It existed when maybe you were like what 25 where there wasn't an issue, but time has changed. And as women get older, particularly with women, because of age and perimenopause and hormones and what that, it does not translate. Well, it doesn't. It gets worse and worse and worse. And life stresses they get worse and worse and worse. I had this conversation with a girlfriend the other day, and this is kind of what brought this whole topic on. And I think I shared this with you, but this was with another girlfriend. But this one, she quit drinking too. And we were talking about how it's dude. If I were to drink

Chasing An Old Version Of You

Courtney Andersen 7:40

now, of where I'm at in my life, I don't think I could stop. Truly. Truly, truly, truly. So it's like, why even open up the door? That's why when you enter in sobriety, you do have to work on this stuff and you do have to condition your mind of, yeah, when I drink, X, Y, and Z happens, and it's never gonna change. So again, you're not confused about alcohol, you're confused and you're torn between comfort and change because you still want to have your cake and eat it too, but you can't after you have already had a problematic relationship with alcohol, and you know that to be true about yourself. Because once you get that sobriety in, you're gonna gain more and more and more awareness of what it feels like to live alcohol-free. But you have to give yourself that chance and to incorporate this new lifestyle and this new way of life for yourself, right? So the moderation cycle is really, it can be disguised too as exploration, right? Of the I'll just cut back. I'll only drink on the weekends, I'll only drink on the holidays, I'll only drink on my birthdays, I won't drink, I won't drink on Fridays anymore, right? I'm doing a break right now, restarting over and over and over again. And then too, feeling like you are collecting information, but nothing is actually changing. Like I said, you know how what alcohol is like when it enters in you, right? So at some point, the figuring it out, the exploring of what a relationship with alcohol looks like just becomes another form of staying stuck and staying in that active relationship with alcohol. You what once you make that decision with alcohol, then it's okay, I have to at some point start

Rules, Resets, And Staying Stuck

Courtney Andersen 9:40

keeping these promises to myself and not keep like a torture, not keep torturing myself of it reintroducing and reintroducing. And it's if you were looking for some type of coping and escape, you have to get explore further of what you are actually trying to escape from. What are you trying to numb out? But as I stated, exploring the relationship with alcohol, you have none. You have you have zero relationship with alcohol. You have broken up with him, him, her, whoever you want to say it, you have broken up with this asshole because it is very toxic, not the physical aspects of it, but it is a toxic relationship you have. How many promises has the alcohol made? And then what has it delivered? Think of it like that. We don't have a relationship with alcohol. I don't have a relationship with alcohol. My relationship with alcohol ended 13 years ago, and thank fuck. Thank you, Jesus. Because again, where I was going was possibly death. I know that sounds extreme, but it is the case for many, many of us of waking up after a night of blacking out. You could fall and hit your head the wrong way. You know what I mean? Just driving around drunk with your kids in the car. This happens to people every day. And at some point, it's

Breaking Up With A Toxic Substance

Courtney Andersen 11:10

just okay, I know it's gonna be very uncomfortable in the beginning, but I have to give this an honest go. So I want you to ask a couple questions before we wrap up this episode for this week. So really ask yourself this. Can I drink less? Right? Is that, are you asking yourself that or is that what you're trying to figure out? And then instead, I'm sorry, try asking, what am I actually using alcohol for? That's what I was saying about that coping mechanism. What numbing out? What are you trying to happen? What happens emotionally before I drink? Are you stressed? Right? What is going on emotionally before? What would I need if alcohol wasn't an option? At some point, alcohol cannot be the option for you anymore. And what has this figuring out phase cost me? Again, wasted days, more shame that wasn't there for six months, where you were finally starting to get over the shame process where you're like, well, that was good. Not not waking up with anxiety, like all of that, right? And then what would my life look like if I stopped negotiating with the substance? So these are really questions I want you to ask yourself because a lot of clarity is going to come from that. But again, go back to every time, give me actually 90% of the time that I introduce alcohol in my life, A, B, C, and D end up happening. I don't even care if it's just A, I because I don't want to hear it. If well, I don't have these extreme bottoms. Okay, but the next day, are you pressing play on a so on a sober vibes podcast? Because nobody who doesn't have a drinking issue is pressing play on this. I say that with love, respectfully, because it's true. And

Questions That Create Real Clarity

Courtney Andersen 12:55

you guys know I love you, but at some point we got to stop the madness. Remember that sweet Suzanne Powder's where she used to say stop or stop the insanity? That's what was it, stop the madness or stop the insanity? This is last week's episode where I couldn't, where I'm like, about the president who wore the same outfit every or the same color every day. So I'm gonna put that quote in the show notes below for you. Okay. So ask yourself those questions. Stop kidding yourself with this. I'm just gonna explore this relationship with alcohol because it's gonna, it's not gonna go anywhere. And I, if you have gone through one process or a couple of times where you've had some sobriety, it's gonna get harder and harder and harder to eventually stop this. Take that, take that of you got 90 days and keep saying to yourself each day, it is easier to keep going than to start over, because that is the goddess honest truth. Because you do not want to keep getting into this detox loop because another day one, it's just gonna get harder and harder and harder for you. So stop kidding yourself and stop saying, I just want to explore my relationship because that is just it's a lie. It's a lie you're telling yourself for the allowance of alcohol into your life. And at the end of it, how much control do you want to have? One substance dictates your entire life. From the moment you wake up to the moment you go to bed, one substance dictates everything you do and feel majority in your day. That is facts.

Stop The Insanity And Keep Going

Courtney Andersen 14:35

Facts, facts, facts. All right, good people of the world. As always, thank you for listening. If you haven't yet, please rate review and subscribe to the show. Make sure to, if you want to get my workshop for free, just leave a review on Apple, screenshot it, just email it to me, sobervives at gmail.com, and then I will send you access to my to my workshop for free. Okay. All right, as always, keep on trucking and stay safe out there.