A Move, A Marriage, A Mindset Shift

That with all my heart. Well, listen, I'm ready to preach God's word. Are you ready to receive it today? The year was 1993. That's the year Urshan and I were married. I've been talking about it for the last several weeks. And it was a spectacular wedding. I told you about some of the craziness of our departure for our honeymoon. And then we got back and started living life. And we received an offer to move from Grand Rapids, Michigan to Dallas, Texas to take a role as a youth pastor at a great church there. And we ended up being there seven years, and it was transformational years in our life. But it was interesting to me when we when we sat down to tell uh my family and my parents that we were moving from Grand Rapids to Dallas. You know, my dad uh pastored the church there in Grand Rapids for 35 years, and my grandfather pastored that same congregation for the 35 years prior to that. So in all of our discussion, you know, my dad was like, Well, I'm I'm gonna be the one to take the next 35 years. It was just kind of like that's that was that was dad's plan. And sometimes my dad's voice sounded a lot like God's voice when I was growing up. And uh the Lord had a different plan, but I'll never forget when we were telling them we were like, We're gonna we're we're gonna go accept this opportunity. It seems like there's no other open door for us, and this seems to be the way God is leading us. So we're moving to Dallas. And we had a lot of excitement about it because I mean Dallas was a pretty cool city, and it was a lot warmer there. Amen. And so uh we told him, and the first thing he said, he's like, Well, people from Michigan just can't survive in Texas. That's gonna be a difficult thing for you. I was like, Oh, okay, well, I mean, we'll I think we're doing, I feel good about what we're doing, but okay. And I understood it was difficult for him to see his kids move, and uh and then and then he said something so incredible. He's like, and by the way, the only thing you'll have in Texas will be her. And he was pointing at Urshana. And I had this moment where I feel like I grew up from just uh from a kid to being a husband to now getting ready to leave my home, and I and I was like, Well, actually, that's gonna be just enough for me. If I have her by my side, I need nothing else. If I have Jesus in her, we're gonna be just fine. And it's the year I learned that the reality of our marriage together, uh, as fun as it was gonna be and as much work it was gonna be, it was the opportunity for us to be together. No matter where we were and what we were doing, we were together. So I want to just encourage you with that thought that marriage is really more about togetherness than anything else. So why don't you lean to your neighbor and say, I'm about to declare something. Oh yeah, say it with some spad. Big sigh, I'm alive, awake, feel great. And then to the other one, just look at them and say, My God, you look good on this wintry day. I mean, it was some work to get out of the house today. You gotta bundle up. I mean, listen, I mean, only in only in Chicago can you go from like minus 15 to like four inches of snow and feel like, oh, it's great to get outside. I told my family in Texas, which they're experiencing really cold weather, it's gonna be 28 today, pray for them. But I I told them, I said, well, from the time Saturday morning prayer started at 9 a.m. until uh we were done with prayer, it it warmed up actually 20 degrees. And it was still not even 10 degrees yet. So, like, but now we got four inches of snow, but at least it's nice out. Like it's beautiful. This is winter, everybody. So listen, you can't change it, so don't complain about it. But you did you did a lot of work and you look good coming into this house today. Well, here we go. We're week three of our series, I declare the relationship and marriage edition. And we've been making declarations as married couples and really even like forging a playbook for singles, that maybe you can avoid some of the pitfalls that many of us have encountered in our early years of marriage or throughout marriage, and by putting these principles down on paper now and in your heart now, so that when you do find the person God has prepared for you and you decide to live those days forever, even if you have to move to Texas and it's only the two of you, you'll be just fine because you have a playbook to live by. So last year we or last week we made the declaration. This year, with God's help and the power of the Holy Spirit, I declare I will intentionally pursue my spouse. And we made that declaration to be intentional. And let me just ask, how many were here last week and went out on a date this week? Yeah, good job. All right, you got did the homework well done. The rest of you, now you've got double homework. You got to you got to get out and do, even if you go shovel together, wouldn't that be fun? I want to see you with a shovel, that'd be so much fun to see. Just never seen it. Um but uh so we made that declaration. I and I just want to encourage you, married couples, to be intentional. Here's an opportunity for intentionality. Is that our February 20th is our marriage retreat? Um, it's gonna be a getaway moment, so plan something for the kids. You don't want to leave them at home by themselves unless they're of age. Um, so find a young adult, have that young adult move in for Friday night to uh stay with your kids, and um, they will be a blessing to you. You can be a blessing to them, and uh, it will help you to focus in on what we are retreating for, and that is for building and strengthening our marriage. And I want to encourage you, you can register downstairs in the lobby today. In fact, there is an early bird discount on the hotel room that the room is gonna double in price after February 6th. So you need to know that, couples. So go ahead and register. There's a small registration fee that helps us cover all the expenses, and then there's the room fee, which is gonna make it worth it for you to be away from everybody. It's gonna be really good, really fun. We've been working on it and uh with strategy and some plans, and it's fun to talk about, but we can't wait to get there. So that is a way to be intentional. But today we're gonna build on our key verse. So let's look at our key verse, Genesis 2 and 24. It says, that, which by the way, that word right there represents marriage. So marriage is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Last week we talked about united, that Hebrew word debak, which means first uh to be uh together, to cling to, to cleave to, and then the other the other definition of debak was to pursue, to catch by pursuit. And so we talked about ways to be intentional, to pursue your spouse. And uh this week we're gonna lean in on the word one, that word one. So we talked about united last week. This week the word one. And I'm just gonna tell you in life, uh in marriage, it's hard for two to become one. It's hard. Every couple understands that. And the reality is the math of marriage isn't really common core math. It's not math that you can learn, it's not math, you just can't learn it. Like, for instance, it's kind of like Urshana's math. Like when she goes shopping, and I ask her, well, how much did that cost? And she is like, Well, it's$55. Well, she rounds up to a number that sounds good. It's not always the number. In fact, sometimes it's over$55, but she's rounding down. It started in the 50s originally. Well, you know, or she'll say, You would not believe how much money I saved you today. I'm like, well, that doesn't mean how much did you spend? That's that's probably the better answer I need. But the reality is math is hard in marriage because you have one husband, one wife, one plus one does not equal two, it actually equals three because God is at the center of our relationship. Well, then you say, well, then that means one plus one plus one is three. No, that means it's back to one. Because two are becoming one. And that's what I'm gonna talk about becoming one. Why is it why is it so difficult? It's really because we're different and we have different expectations, and we're different in so so many ways. In fact, we don't even prepare for the differences. When we're dating, the differences are exciting and exhilarating. It's like a challenge to have this difference and like, oh wow, this is gonna, I'm gonna win her over, even though she's different. And you know, it's like it's funny in dating how you say opposites attract, and then you get married and you're like opposites repel. Like it's like, oh my god, what are we doing? How did we get into this? And and then when you get married, the those those differences like they they become pretty substantial. For instance, um, you're like you early in marriage, you're like, Did you just use my toothbrush? Like, that's my toothbrush, and like, well, we kiss, like, we share everything. What's wrong with using a toothbrush? No, it's off limits. You don't, that's that's something you don't um, or like maybe you're like, hey, um, what about kids? Did we ever talk about kids? And I'm like, kids? Yeah, that's plural. Like, what do you mean, kids? I thought we have one kid. No, we're having all the kids, and so it's like, and then and then we talk about like um the guys, like our our idea for uh physical contact in the marriage each month, and it looks something like this, and then she shows you her idea. It's like those are different. That's a big difference, and then maybe in communicating, like you come from a family of shouters, it's like, ah, like we're loud and we're proud and we're gonna we're gonna handle this situation right now, and we're just gonna deal with it. Don't sleep, don't go to bed angry, which by the way is a bad philosophy. Even though it's in scripture, I think it has a different context, but you're just gonna shout it loud, and then the other one is like, oh no, no, no, no, no. Uh it's like it's a silent treatment, and when there's a disagreement, you get the silent treatment, and you walk past the hall, and you you're like ready to say something, but you realize you're still in this silent treatment, so they walk right past you. I mean, it's just this much room in the hallway, but they still don't even, it's silent because that's how they grew up. And those differences when you're dating might be kind of fun and exhilarating, but when you get married, those differences start to pull you apart. Because in dating, we minimize and overlook the differences, but in marriage, those same differences become magnified and emphasized. And so we have to figure out what do we do with that. And uh the the reality is this most issues in marriage come when my expectations aren't met. And notice I put the emphasis on my because marriage, like we all are inherently selfish and we go into marriage selfish, and couple young people, young adults, this is where you can lean in and take notes because this is going to be something you'll deal with, but we go into it selfish, and and I can, I can, so it's my expectations that are met. And I can tell you, I can prove how selfish we are by just showing you this. Like if we were to take a picture, you and I, and take a selfie together, and then I was to post that picture on the screen, you wouldn't look at how I look, you would look first at how you look. Did I smile correctly? Are my eyes open? Is my shirt right? Is do I look good in the picture? And it doesn't matter how I look in the picture because you're worried about how you look in the picture. And a lot of time, that's how we go into a marriage. We're not we're worried so much about what the expectations are on her side, but it's who's gonna carry my expectations and meet my expectations in this marriage. And the reality is man, it's hard. So the the other idea I I would share with you is this idea that there is no, there's nothing in this world that magnifies my own selfishness the way marriage does. Every day I realize how selfish I am in some of my thoughts and sometimes how I act and how I respond to situations. It is a picture of me being so selfish in marriage. That's why God has this picture of Christ loving the church, because it is this picture of learning how not to be so selfish. So let's make, I'll make the declaration and then we will get into a few things. So this week's declaration, I'll share it with you and then we'll all make it at the end. This year, with God's help and the power of the Holy Spirit, I declare our marriage will be about we and not me. So we have to then understand how to deal with the gaps and the differences and the expectations in marriage. And I would propose to you that the world has a way that the world handles it, and it kind of isn't just a world culture, it has become really all culture to handle situations like this. And the very first way that people handle gaps and differences is they just leave. They leave, they leave the marriage. And I I would tell you, let me just pause. I said this in first service, and I'll say this in this service. If you are in a physically abusive or emotionally abusive relationship, I am telling you, you do not have to live that way, and you can leave that situation. And in fact, if you need help to build courage and a plan, we're here to help you do that because you don't have to live that way. That is not God's plan for your life to be abused physically or emotionally. So you can get out of that. But for the rest of us, let me show you why leaving doesn't work because there's a gap or a difference. You don't leave because when we leave, we actually take our own selfish expectations with us. Used to say this to people like the names and faces may change, but the problem will remain as long as you're in it, unless you learn to grow from it. So we carry our own expectations, and then we wonder that's that's why it's it's it's a statistic that is crazy, but second and third marriages actually have a higher divorce rate than the first marriage. Why? Because we've carried the same expectations. We didn't we didn't grow up, and we still expect somebody to meet all of our expectations, and that is impossible. The only one who can meet every expectation is God. Because he created the desire so he can meet it. But the reality is it's not the Tom Cruise line, you complete me, is not true, is not a true line. It's not. That's a movie you don't need to watch, by the way. So so you can leave, and that's that's what people do. And it I'm gonna show you, it doesn't work. The second thing people do is is they lay down uh or they cave in. They they decide they're gonna live silently and and not have a voice in the marriage, and and they throw in the towel, and they just decide I'm willing to live unhappy uh just for the for the picture of keeping everybody together. And I mean, that's a terrible way to live because you're living with low expectations, so you're never disappointed. But really, where is the life and the pizzazz and the passion and the excitement of a marriage where you lay it all down and will not speak up and hold your peace in situations that really require teamwork? And so I can tell you, I mean, yeah, it'll be a lot less tension, but there are gonna be no fun in that marriage. And then the other way the world deals with gaps and differences is this 50-50 mentality. Like, hey, well, let's make a deal, 50-50 deal. You do this, and if you do this, and only if you do this, then I'll do that. And we trade and barter our behaviors based off of still, look, our own selfish intentions to have our needs met on this side, and we've learned the fact that if I do this over here, she'll do this over here. And vice versa. And it's the reality, it just doesn't work. It has to be a hundred to a hundred. It has to be this idea of we're all in this together. There you go, the 20th anniversary of high school musical. I just put that line in. So there's a fourth one I'm gonna give you a little bit later because I want to show you what God's word, how does God's word deal with the gaps? What does God's word say about it? And it starts with one word in Ephesians 5.21, submit. That's it. God's plan for our marriages to function the way he designed it is for this word submit. Now let me give you some context. Submit the Hebrew word because Hebrew is all the New Testament, Greek or Old Testament, Greek is all the New Testament. So Hebrew, that word there is hupatasil, and it means to align in order. So the picture where this word comes from, it is a military term. And you have to see the image of the soldiers lining up in order, ready to be led in a march into the battle. So it's all about order and alignment. And it's not so much about one above the other, but it's about divine order. Meaning that if you want a marriage that will fight with you and not fight against you, you have to line up in order. There has to be a lineup there. And who is called to submit? Husbands, be careful. Don't answer too loudly. Wives, who's called to submit? Well, look what Paul says before we submit. One to another. Look what it is. Submit one to another. We submit to each other. It's not you submit to me or else or I submit to you. It is we submit one to another. It is a mutual submission. And mutual submission is when you both fight to put the other's needs above and before your own. So that when we do this together, my responsibility is to carry this load, and her responsibility is to carry this load. And when we carry those together, we are outdueling each other to meet the needs of the other. And that's the real picture of submission. It's not about one having the authority and one being. Domineering and one being coer using coercion to get everything they want. It's not, it is literally, we're in this together working to meet each other's needs mutually. And then Paul didn't stop there. So submit one to another, look at this, out of reverence for Christ. Meaning, submission is a carryover of worship in our lives. And I would contend and propose to you that you cannot in this house be in the altar, weeping and hands in the air, and crying and worshiping and dancing and singing, and that be your worship. Oh, so beautiful, so accepting, and not submit in your marriage at home. It taints your worship. Because it is equally just as important what you do away from this house in worship as what you do in this house as worship. So we have to mutually submit, and we say, your needs are greater than my needs. That's why that triangle I showed you a couple of weeks ago is so important because we put God first as our priority. We intentionally pursue one another, and in that pursuit, as we submit to one another, we are actually getting closer to God, and it's just the design of God's plan for our marriage that we have it all correct, divine, ordered and aligned. And so let's just lean in then. Let's talk about submission. And I'm gonna talk to husbands and wives. And wives, I'm starting with you only because it's how the scripture is how it's lined out in scripture. So it's not picking on you first, it's just how it's aligned. I can give you good news from the passages of scripture of Ephesians 5.21 all the way through verse 33, when Paul's talking about marriage, only 25% ladies, is directed to you, and the other 75% is directed at men, because Paul knew we would need it. And it's okay for you to say amen in that situation. So look what it says here. Paul tells the ladies wives, go pull that scripture up. 522, wives, see? Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do the Lord. Now, I will tell you why it sometimes is uncomfortable. It's like talking about marriage this way and talking about finances in the church are like two kind of sticky subjects where people kind of get like, okay, I'm just gonna like close up for a little bit and listen and see if I believe it and receive it, and then I'll be like, okay, I'm back. But the reality is, I think that is that is because it's been mistaught, maybe bad theology, bad teaching, and then it's also been bad examples. But we can all think of terrible examples of the way submission has been mismanaged in the church, in marriages, in families, and so yeah, it's gonna be a difficult subject to talk about because I mean, is that really what the Bible's calling for? And I'm saying, yes, it is, but it has to be theologically correct. And the reality is, ladies, listen, how many, what is the percentage of men who actually uh don't always deserve to be submitted to? And the percentage is a hundo, it's a hundred. It's a hundred percent. We don't all deserve it every single day, but guess what? We don't submit because it's deserved, we submit because God calls for it. And um and and actually, did Jesus consider us deserving in a place of deserving when he submitted to the cross? No, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. So when we didn't deserve it, Christ set the example in the model of what we call servant-hearted leadership. It's that, it's not about the domineering role, it's not about the loudest voice, it's not about being coerced in decision making, but it is simply God's plan. And look, every great organization requires a leader, it has to have a leader, but the reality is if marriage is God's institution by choice for the home, then it requires a leader. And we like to say, like, it's not, I don't make all the decisions in our home. And we like to say, we like to drive it like this, it's it's the C-suite. It's it is it is the executive branch in our home where we are both in the role of VP. And God is the tiebreaker, by the way, if we have a disagreement, we go pray about it and then we come back to it. And then on occasion, there have been moments where I'm like, okay, well, this is what I really feel, this is what I believe in my heart, and I think this is the direction we should go. And that has happened only just a couple of times in our life when most of the time we actually through discussion and prayer and consideration, we actually agree on almost everything. The only time we don't ever agree is when we don't talk about it prior. And so we make decisions. So I'm the VP of uh of facilities, and I'm the VP, uh, I'm the VP of recreation, I'm the VP of physical contact, and um, and then I'm the VP of for finances, and then Urshana's the VP for nutrition, um, for uh for marketing and appearances, and um what else? Yeah, she's basically the CFO, CEO. No, she like, but we do this together. We we it's mutual submission, and and the reality is like ladies, like you're it's not it's not you're carrying an anvil of all of these expectations of like you're submitting and this is what you're carrying in life. Like that's that's not the idea, that's not the priority, that's not the principle. The reality is it it should be when you do submit God's way, it should be like this. And instead of having a burden, you have a blessing of protection. And so that's that's God's idea. It's not for this to be like you do this, you do that. It is like we're in this together, we're making decisions together, we're communicating about these things, and actually there is a blessing of protection through servant-hearted leadership. And I would say this, husbands, like you need to lead your homes to the Lord and not Lord your leadership over your homes. So, so guys, let's get to the 75%. Ladies, there we go. It wasn't that bad. So, guys, what is what does Paul tell us? Oh, let me give you this phrase, ladies, by the way, before I move on. I didn't do this in first service, but I love what Beth Moore, she's a Bible teacher, what she says about submission. She says, ladies, submission is you ducking so God can hit your husband. There you go. All right, guys, what does what does the Bible say about what guys' role is? Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. And I know what you're saying, ladies, because Paul's like, wives, submit. And then he's like, hey, husbands, love your wives. But I want to propose to you that it's not it's not that easy or that simple. And when we look at the Greek language of what Paul is using in this phrase, there's there's three levels of love. There's, and you know this, this is not brand new to you. There's Eros love, and that is physical love, which you need in a marriage. Thank you. Amen. You need that physical component and intimacy. There's Eros love. But that's not what Paul is talking about. Then Paul says, you there's there's the next role is philale love. That's where we get Philadelphia. It's the brotherly love. And honestly, you need that love in your marriage too. Like, she is my best friend. She was gone this week. I came home from Houston Tuesday. We traveled for a little bit at the start of this week, and I came home Tuesday, and I was by myself Wednesday and Thursday, and I was watching this weather pattern that's going through the middle of America right now and was going to affect Houston. And I just had this fear that she was gonna get stranded in Houston for like multiple more days, which she would have been great with. Like, live it up. So much fun. The problem is, in my selfishness, I'm looking at myself being alone for the next four days and a possible extension, and I'm just begging her, will you please come home, please? Because you're my best friend. The arrow, the phileo, let's please come home. But Paul's not talking about that, he's talking about agape love. Which agape is a whole nother level of love, it's unconditional, sacrificial love. So, what Paul is saying is, husbands, agape your wives just as Christ agape the church. And in the first century church, every man in the room goes, Oh my god, I know what Jesus did. In fact, it's so close to the timeline that we still have mental images of what was done to him. We still see the sacrifice, we still see the bloodshed, we still see the pain and the suffering. Yes, we see the resurrection, but it was what he went through, not because he just loved us, but because he was obedient in submission to the call that God put on his life. And husbands, what I would declare to you is that your role in leading your home should look a little like this that you actually carry a cross as you lead your wife, and as you make decisions together, your decisions are filtered through the cross. And there's something, something humbling about carrying a cross because you realize where the cross is headed. It means you're laying your life down. So it's not that, husbands, you get to golf whenever you want, and your wife never gets to go shopping. It's mutual submission. As much as you golf, as much as she gets to shop. Why? Because I'm carrying this for the betterment of my wife. It is a sacrifice. I am laying down my life. And listen, it's not easy, it's burdensome, but it is a responsibility God gave me for my home. And I don't take it lightly, and I don't sit on the couch and wait for everything to be done for me. Because there is a responsibility I share in this marriage to make things right, to do things right, and to do things right when they're supposed to be done. That leads me to the fourth reason why how the world deals with gaps. And the world will deal with gaps through control. Control. Oh, okay. I'm gonna control how you behave, I'm gonna control your behavior by how I handle finances, how I handle physical contact, how I handle decision making. I will control this marriage and it I will get out of this marriage what I want because I'm in control. And that's not the way God designed it. God designed it for us to be in it together. And the reality is that you can have a controlling marriage or you can have a loving marriage, but you cannot have both. They do not coexist, they pull on a vacuum of one another, and the more you can try to control, the less you'll be able to love. And honestly, the more you love, the less you'll want to control. See, Paul is giving us a picture of mutual submission, and in that mutual submission, it actually should become a quiet competition. It should become a quiet competition of you outdoing the other to meet the needs. In fact, it's Bible. Uh Romans, no, Ephesians. Ephesians 12. Oh, it is Romans. Romans 12, 10. Paul says you should outwork each other in showing honor. Outwork each other in showing honor, meaning if this is your need, I am gonna do everything I can to meet it before anything else. I'm gonna pursue God, He is my priority, but then I'm gonna do everything I can to meet the needs and the expectations that we've communicated about and talked about and worked it through so that actually what I'm really doing is I'm not carrying so much, I'm actually bringing it to the cross and saying, Jesus, I don't know how I'm gonna meet all these needs, I don't know how I'm gonna carry this responsibility, but I bring it to the cross and I leave it with you so that you can help me fulfill it. And that is what submission does. Look at submission strips away our selfishness because it's no longer about me, it's about we. And then submission puts me in a position for empowerment of the Holy Spirit to be able to fulfill those needs and meet those expectations, and you're not gonna meet everyone, but you you have to be able to be in a space where I'm willing to do whatever I have to do. I often tell people, not in a bragging way, but when our kids were younger, in fact, when we moved here, I didn't play a lot of golf when we moved here. In fact, it was 10 years we lived here before I played a round of golf here. It's not because I don't love golf, but there was such a responsibility I felt to our home. Helping the boys get acclimated, helping them love this area, helping them figure out what they're gonna, what the schools and the activities and all the things. And I just felt like, you know what, it's crazy for me to think I can go away for four and a half hours while my wife's at home with all these crazy boys, and then me come home and think, well, why isn't dinner ready? And why don't we have this ready? And what about this? And the reality is there was just a season for me to just be at home and I didn't complain about it. And actually, it was when the I was the best golfer then in my brain because I didn't play, so I was like, great, you know, you play golf? Yes, all the time. Score well, I score amazing. I've never gone over par in all of the rounds, I've never played. That's not that's not to brag about me, but there are situations where I know the responsibility in the season of my life caused me to put down some of my own needs and my own desires and pick up the needs of my wife and for my family because it requires that. See, when you live with mutual submission, it's not only that you lay down a burden and walk together in blessing, but look at the proximity it requires under this blessing. And that is where the oneness of marriage comes in submitting one to another in reverence to the Lord. And then look, we're just we're protected, we're sheltered, we're blessed, and by the way, we're one. Can you receive that word today?