In the early hours of Thursday, March 26, 2023, two Edmonton Police officers were killed while responding to a domestic dispute call.
I learned the news shortly after waking up that morning. Then later that night, a woman was yelling for help from the apartment next to me. My friend and I had already been on alert after hearing yelling, banging, and the sounds of items being thrown. When the call for help came, we flew off my couch.
Being immediately next door to the unit, we were the first to come out and make contact with the couple next door. It was a domestic argument, with signs of potential substance use by both parties. No apparent physical violence had occurred, and I did ask to confirm later on. But still, I was on high alert. And the death of two trained officers was absolutely on my mind.
At this point, neighbours had started to come out of their units to see what was going on - which gave me added protection. But the reality is, domestic disputes can be some of the most dangerous and deadly calls for 911 to receive.
Ironically, this was the same night I was preparing for my Mental Health First Aid Facilitation Certification evaluation. I did text my trainer to inform them of what was happening that evening and asked if I could get ‘lived experience’ bonus points. She enjoyed my joke, but not enough to let me slide on the evaluation.
My neighbours recognized I was in control of the situation and gave me space while my friend called 911. And that’s when it hit me - holy shit I have put myself in the middle of an intense crisis situation, as the one to de-escalate it. And until RCMP showed up, no on more experienced was going to take over from me.
Within seconds my brain processed four distinct thoughts:
- Oh damn, cops were literally just killed for a domestic call and here I am
- Why is this happening on the night I need to focus on evaluation prep?
- Keep alert and put safety first.
- Am I able to do this?
And the self-doubt hit me hard. Can I do this? Can I de-escalate the situation? Can I keep things as safe as possible? What if I do something to make things worse?
This was not a time to have a crisis of confidence. I needed to focus.
We’ve all experienced that self-doubt and uncertainty at some point in our lives. And it’s usually at the worst times.
This is why I love to have a diverse and large number of resources available in my mental health toolbox. The tricks and techniques I can rely on to help me move through moments of anxiety, self-doubt, periods of depression, eating disorder thoughts… yeah, there is a lot so I really do need a well stocked toolbox.
That night, I pulled out two really simple techniques to keep the self-doubt at bay: repeating a mantra and going over a list.
My mantra was basic but effective: I’m trained for this.
I’m trained for this. I’m trained for this. I’m trained for this.
And my list was of the actions I’ve been trained to take. The signs to look for, the overall environment, the modelling of calm behaviour, words to use and words to avoid, key questions to ask. Over and over again, I would run through a mental checklist of these things and see if I needed them in that moment or if anything needed to be readjusted. How was my body language possibly being interpreted? What information did I need to know now? Has anyone’s mood drastically changed for some reason? Are the witnesses surrounding us, watching, at risk of making things worse? How’s my body language?
And when the police finally arrived, I peace’d the fuck out of there as fast as I could and breathed a sigh of relief.
Looking back at that night, it was possibly the smoothest I’ve ever managed a crisis scenario. When I debriefed with my MHFA trainer that night, she validated that for me and having just spent a week with her in some intense training, I know she wouldn’t have a problem telling me if there was something she thinks I could have done better.
But after all my years of training, after receiving validation from my mentors and peers, and after a successful de-escalation of the situation, I still had that little nugget of doubt in the back of my mind. Still wondered if I could have done something better. There was still a voice in my head telling me I had done wrong.
The reality is, that voice of doubt is part of life. I don’t know if it ever goes away for anyone. And we all have it. It does play an important role in our lives - without it, some of our egos and hubris might have a harder time being kept in check.
Which means our goal shouldn’t be and can’t be to make the voice go away. Rather our goal is to become stronger at managing the voice, recognizing when to listen to it and when to tell it to fuck right off, and not letting it control our decision making.
How can you grow your relationship with that voice of doubt in the back of your mind to be one of respect and balance?
Now for this week’s reading.
This week, our message from the Universe is through the Ten of Swords reversed and the Six of Cups reversed.
The days ahead are going to be creating the space we need to let go of and heal parts of our past so we can look forward to the future fully. The Ten of Swords in reverse encourages us to accept what has ended in order to cut off our energetic cords to it.
Has something happened recently that has felt like an end to a story? And not an easy, clean ending, but one with hurt, pain, and possibly betrayal? Something that you might have felt was coming but that intuitive feeling doesn’t stop it from hurting and sucking any less? This week, dedicate time to fully closing that chapter in your life. Whether it’s having a tough conversation, completing a cord cutting ritual, or giving yourself the space to mourn the end and let it go, it’s time.
By not doing this, you run the risk of the past pulling you backward. Holding on to the past will prevent you from moving forward into the future. While these past experiences and this story that has come to an end will play a role in guiding and informing your future, you don’t want to allow your past to block your progress.
That’s everything for this week friends. Thank you for joining me once more on this journey of self-exploration and introspection. If you haven’t already, be sure to subscribe to Tarot Reflections wherever you listen to podcasts so you don’t miss any future episodes. If you’ve enjoyed Tarot Reflections, please consider leaving us a rating and review - every single review helps this podcast grow and be discovered by others.
One last thing before I go. I didn’t plan to do it this way, but I softly, quietly launched Wild Apothecary this weekend and I am so excited by what’s being created through this space. Be one of the first to check out Wild Apothecary at www.wildapothecary.ca and discover a sanctuary of mental health magick and cosmic wisdom. The site isn’t fully complete yet, I’ll be working on it some more once this episode gets edited, so make sure you follow us on the socials at @YourWildApothecary so you don’t miss a single update.
Until we meet again friends.