Tshirt Truths with Bonny King-Taylor

The Good P. M.S.

August 12, 2021 Bonny King-Taylor Episode 3
Tshirt Truths with Bonny King-Taylor
The Good P. M.S.
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

In this episode, we talk about the one behavior change model that rules them all. One that gets us past the expectation that people should just magically know what we want. You'll hear an example that will warm your heart and give you relationship goals. In the end, you'll know how to help both yourself and others give you what you really need.

Next time on Tshirt Truths:  Make Friends with Change

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Episode Transcription
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(00:12):

Have you ever read or heard something and thought to yourself, dang, that was deep. I got to get that on a t-shirt. I have that thought all the time. I'm Bonny King-Taylor, a life coach and counselor dedicated to helping you change your life by changing your thoughts. I'd like to welcome you to t-shirt truths, where we talk about the thoughts that when we become comfortable with them, like a favorite t-shirt, we become more fully ourselves, live more satisfying lives and interact more effectively. With those around us. Let's get started by slipping into today's t-shirt truth.

(00:57):

In my episode about focusing on what you want rather than what you don't want. I talked about how your subconscious mind believes everything you say it focuses on the intention, not whether it's positive or negative, real, or made up the truth is we tend to focus more on the negative until we train ourselves to do otherwise.

(01:17):

Do you want to know my biggest pet peeve here it is: Have you ever noticed how, when someone tells you to be more realistic, it's actually code for be more negative? Yeah. It's not constructive. In a future episode, I'll go into the massive scam that misery loves company really is.

(01:38):

But for now let's focus on the one true behavior change model that rules them all. It's P M S easy to remember, and not at all, what you think it's about making your intentions and requests both from yourself and others, positive, measurable, and specific positive is defined as consisting in or characterized by the presence or possession of features or qualities rather than their absence, constructive, optimistic, and confident.

Support the show (https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bonnykingtaylor)

(00:12):

Have you ever read or heard something and thought to yourself, dang, that was deep. I got to get that on a t-shirt. I have that thought all the time. I'm Bonny King-Taylor, a life coach and counselor dedicated to helping you change your life by changing your thoughts. I'd like to welcome you to t-shirt truths, where we talk about the thoughts that when we become comfortable with them, like a favorite t-shirt, we become more fully ourselves, live more satisfying lives and interact more effectively. With those around us. Let's get started by slipping into today's t-shirt truth.

(00:57):

In my episode about focusing on what you want rather than what you don't want. I talked about how your subconscious mind believes everything you say it focuses on the intention, not whether it's positive or negative, real, or made up the truth is we tend to focus more on the negative until we train ourselves to do otherwise.

(01:17):

Do you want to know my biggest pet peeve here it is: Have you ever noticed how, when someone tells you to be more realistic, it's actually code for be more negative? Yeah. It's not constructive. In a future episode, I'll go into the massive scam that misery loves company really is.

(01:38):

But for now let's focus on the one true behavior change model that rules them all. It's P M S easy to remember, and not at all, what you think it's about making your intentions and requests both from yourself and others, positive, measurable, and specific positive is defined as consisting in or characterized by the presence or possession of features or qualities rather than their absence, constructive, optimistic, and confident.

(02:14):

Isn't that delicious? What it doesn't mean is any variation of what I really want is for you to stop being a jerk. When has anyone in your life ever replied? You know what? You're absolutely right. I will never be a jerk again. Yeah, no one ever. And think about the ways you say that stuff to yourself, when you do your speaking with someone else's voice, and that is one of the most important things to change in your life. So, okay. Measurable means that, you know, when you've reached the moment of achievement, when you're done, how many things in your life are never ending, they have raggedy edges and are simply kicked down the road, as opposed to being truly resolved. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to say only one or two?

(03:09):

Specific means that you've made clear exactly what you want in a way that you can be in agreement with and can explain quickly and concisely to others.

(03:22):

One of my favorite examples of this is the work I did with a couple who were in grinding conflict over the way they managed holiday plans with their respective families. They said that neither liked the others and that it ruined every visit. Now, one of my superpowers is listening deeply to what you say, but at the same time hearing what you don't say in this particular scenario, I was able to uncover that what they really didn't like was the judgment. Each thought the other had for their relatives. And it turned out with some gentle prodding that they realized they were both struggling with the same things. So we set out to find a positive, measurable, and specific plan for not suffering through these visits, but instead enjoying what a great team they can be in any situation.

(04:06):

As is often the case one said, in exasperation, " all I want is a hug, and to not feel alone, when things are bad. "I heard a much deeper pain than either one of them realized, right then.

(04:22):

So I asked, what kind of hug? What do you mean? I mean, how do you like to be hugged. They both looked at me like the cheese might be slipping off my cracker. Stand up. Show me what feels good to you. There was some awkward fumbling and a little frustration. But when the specific configuration was achieved, I could see them both just melt into it with relief and appreciation.

(04:56):

It brought a tear to my eye when one of them said, if I had only known, I would have done this for you from the very beginning and while they were swaying there, I suggested that they make this new discovery measurable that they commit to hugging like this three times a day for each of the nine days that they were on holiday. But they were like really excited at this point. We're going to do more.

(05:20):

I'm like, okay, that's great, but let's make this like a project with it beginning, middle, and end. That way, you'll know that you've succeeded.

(05:32):

Dear listener, try to imagine how great the feeling of relief and resolve was in that moment. I mean, why would you want anything else?

(05:41):

The trick to figuring out how to use the PMS model in your own life is to find something that frustrates you, that everybody should know. You have that thought, like, "How could you NOT know this?"

(05:54):

Pro tip: You learned what it means to be you in the world before your brain was even mature enough to know that you were learning. So please trust me on this. Even the most well-meaning people in your life genuinely do NOT know exactly what you expect. Help them, and yourself, by practicing this powerful technique. And let me know how you do

(06:19):

Thanks so much for listening and be sure to subscribe, rate, and comment on t-shirt truths, wherever podcast room, and then share the episode with friends and loved ones because everyone can benefit from getting more comfortable with who they want to be for even more life-changing content. Follow me on Instagram, LinkedIn and Facebook links are in the show notes. I'll see you there and back here on the next episode of t-shirt truths with Bonny King-Taylor,

 

Welcome
My biggest pet peeve
The one true behavior change model
I'll never be a jerk again, said no one ever
Holiday blues
But, what KIND of hug?
I would have done this for you from the very beginning
Can you imagine the relief?
Pro tip: NO ONE understands
Thanks for listening