Understanding and Navigating the Journey of Grief

Grief is a journey, a deeply personal one that takes us through valleys of disbelief, anger, and acceptance. This episode takes a sensitive, yet comprehensive look into the labyrinth of grief, unravelling its types and stages, from shock to acceptance. The pandemic’s impact on grief, creating a chasm of disconnection, is explored at depth as we unfold the nuances of anticipatory, normal, and complex grief. 

Navigating through this heart-rending journey, we also delve into how we can extend support to the grieving. From lending a listening ear to providing practical help, we examine the various ways to extend compassion. We also reflect on the importance of expressing feelings openly and seeking help from family and support groups. The episode concludes by emphasizing the healing power of journaling and the need to slow down and savor life. My personal experiences with grief, I believe, will offer valuable insights into the profound impact it can have on life.

Next Sunday's Topic:  Slowing Down to Enjoy Life More

Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:33

Hi, thanks for joining me today. The topic is transforming grief. Before I jump into that, hello to my listeners in Sioux Falls, north Dakota. I see you there week after week and it's great to have you here. This is a topic that is unfortunately been a big part of my life lately, including currently. I'll talk about that more, but I want to just kind of get into the topic of grief first, before we talk about transforming it.

Speaker 1: 2:04

Those of you who have not had the unfortunate Happen stance to lose somebody very close to you I know you must be very young, but it happens. And once it does, then it really opens your eyes to how the grieving process is so different for each person and it impacts you more than you think it would. So losing loved ones and grieving, let's face it, it's always been part of the life cycle. When the pandemic hit, the number of people dying and people in grieving escalated dramatically. The pandemic has cut life expectancy the largest amount in 40 years and made infectious disease the leading cause of death. For the 1st time in a century. Families who lost loved ones in the first few years of the pandemic could not be at their loved ones side as they passed. They had to postpone memorial gatherings, leaving many to cope with their losses and isolation, and it left many feeling like they didn't get the closure. That being there, you know, being able to say what you wanted to say, being able to Honor them with a gathering. Now we have more in Ukraine. We have more in the Gaza Strip. This has caused greater loss of life and people grieving even higher. Grief strips away superficialities of life. It lays bare our deepest longings and can point us to a higher purpose in life. This can make it a catalyst for positive change.

Speaker 1: 3:38

I want to talk about the stages of grief. If you've taken a psychology class, you probably know this, but maybe it's been a while. It would be good to hear a refresher. The stages of the grieving process include shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing and acceptance. I'm sure you've heard those. There's movies and TV shows that have focused on that. This process helps people heal after experiencing loss. The most overwhelming symptoms of grief usually not always usually resolve within one to two years or after one to two years my mistake.

Speaker 1: 4:15

Grief is a natural experience that helps a person process the pain of loss and move toward healing. The stages of grief are not necessarily linear, which means people may not go through them in order, and sometimes they don't go through a particular step, they jump, sometimes they get stuck in a step, but in general there's seven stages. So that first one's shock this stage may involve the numb disbelief in response to news of a loss. It may serve as an emotional buffer to prevent someone from feeling overwhelmed. Denial the stage entails refuting the reality of the loss or any associated feelings. I'm fine, I don't know, I'm fine, you know I can keep working. It's stuffing your feelings, thank you. Once an individual accepts reality, they can move forward through the healing process.

Speaker 1: 5:11

Shock and denial help people manage the immediate aftermath of the loss. Maybe you're just not ready to handle the full load of emotions. Anger During this stage, an individual might redirect their anger toward the person who died, the doctors involved, other family members or even religious entities. This replaces the numbness of shock and denial and it is important to address anger Bargaining. This involves thoughts such as I will do anything if you take away the pain.

Speaker 1: 5:44

This stage may come at any point within the grieving process. It is frequently accompanied by guilt. Depression At this stage, a person may experience feelings of emptiness and intense sadness. They may also withdraw from daily activities and things they once enjoyed. While the stage is difficult, it is a necessary step toward healing. Testing this is the process of trying to find solutions that offer a means of dealing with loss. A person may drift in and out of other grieving stages during this time and back to the shock, back to denial, in anger, back up to testing.

Speaker 1: 6:26

The final stage acceptance. It does not mean people feel okay about a loss. Rather, it means they realize the loss is their new reality. They understand that, while life will not continue as it did before, it will go on. This stage may involve reorganizing roles and forming new relationships.

Speaker 1: 6:50

You might be wondering how long the grieving process is. Well, that's very hard to say because there's no set duration. People move through each stage at varying rates. Symptoms of grief largely resolve, as I said, after one to two years. However, this timeline is different for everyone. Additionally, rather than experiencing a steady decline in grief, a person's emotions tend to fluctuate over time and they come in waves. So it's common for reactions to grief, to research, after many years, in response to triggers, which can include birthdays, special events, holidays and songs, and, in my experience, conversations, certain topics, conversations, going to places reminds you of the person that can really bring back a wave too. So there's different types of grief which you might not know.

Speaker 1: 7:50

One is anticipatory grief. This is what a person feels when they expect a loss that has not yet happened. It includes many of the same emotions someone experiences after a loss. This type of grief is more likely in individuals with dependent relationships or limited social support. However, it also happens when you're dealing with dementia, alzheimer's or anything where the person's death is pending and you know it. Normal or common grief is a gradual progression toward acceptance. It happens to about 50 to 85% of people following a loss, so it is definitely the majority experience. Although people experience different emotions, they retain the ability to continue everyday activities with normal grief. They might have emotional distress, such as crying, low mood and longing, but they can function in life. Then there's complicated grief. This happens in 15 to 30 percent of people who experience a loss and it resembles conditions such as depression and generalized anxiety disorder. It may deviate from normal grief in the following ways Absent or inhibited grief. A pattern of manifesting little evidence of distress or yearning. Exhausted grief this is a pattern where symptoms occur much later than is typical Chronic grief this is a pattern where symptoms persist over a prolonged period.

Speaker 1: 9:27

I work with people who are in grieving every day of my working life and have even when I worked in mental health. I was helping people through grief then as well. So I've been doing this for a very long time, since 1992. And in my current work being a medium, I have people coming in all the time who sometimes their loved one has recently passed. Sometimes it's been years. Sometimes their life was taken from them, a murder, sometimes it was suicide, mysterious circumstances I've heard it all. So I'd witness the grief and how different it is in each person. Sometimes I can't tell that a person has just lost their spouse or just lost their mother, and other times it feels from their energy and their emotions that this is a recent loss and it turns out it was 17 years ago. So that's examples of how people can be stuck in those early stages or return to them and be stuck there. That would be complicated grief.

Speaker 1: 10:33

Another thing is chronic grief no, sorry, distorted grief. A pattern of extremely intense symptoms, persistent, prolonged or complex grief, and that's a type that involves intense sorrow after 12 months have passed, or six months for children and adolescents. The intensity and pervasiveness of the reactions can cause disability. I've actually worked with some people who lost their spouse I'm just giving an example lost their spouse eight years ago and they're still in the initial stage. They're still in that complicated grief where they cannot stop thinking about them all the time, crying through most of their days. That's one thing I try to help people with to move through that, and it takes time and it takes experimenting with a lot of different methods and some of which I'm going to be talking about later in today's show. So I'm going to talk about some of my personal experience with grief at my age, in my 60s.

Speaker 1: 11:38

I have had a lot of people I love pass, so the one that really stands out to me first is when my ex-husband passed away. My daughter was 15. It was her father. We had been divorced for seven years. He had remarried quickly after the divorce. I was remarried. I was happily married. I was not in love with him anymore.

Speaker 1: 12:00

But when he killed himself and I found out about that, I definitely went into shock and I have to tell you like I grieved hard for four and a half years for a man that I wasn't married to anymore, for a man that I didn't love and wasn't in love with. I still loved him. I wasn't in love with him, but he was the father of my child and I found myself thinking about the good days when we were dating and he was so handsome and romantic, and ballroom dancing and him taking me dancing at midnight somewhere outside. It was beautiful, beautiful things, beautiful memories in the early days. That's where my mind went and I was grieving for my daughter as well, because it was so hard on her, of course. So that's just an example of how you can grieve really hard for a person that can kind of shock you, like I remember saying what is this? Why am I feeling this so hard? He was coming to me right after he passed, spiritually, like his spirit was coming to me, and at first he was angry and then after that he became very loving and very helpful and talked to me and was very reassuring. He would come up and put his hand on my shoulder. So that was really hard, somebody that was not big in my life at that time.

Speaker 1: 13:24

And then the next one that does a different kind of grief this is a more recent one was my sister. Now we knew she had systemic lupus and she had been pretty much homebound for the most part for a very long time. She had lupus systemic lupus for 30 years and she had been in and out of hospitals lately, so it's not like we didn't know she was really sick, but she was one of my baby sisters. It was really horrible just to find out that she was gone. As you can tell, I'm still grieving. It hasn't been that long, so I think it's perfectly natural. She passed in January and it's only now Where's the ones? Okay, I have a lot longer to go before I'm done healing with this situation and I can feel myself moving through those stages and it's going to take some time because that's my sister.

Speaker 1: 15:55

And then the last one is what I'm going through right now, which is making me very tearful today I'm going to admit to you because it's fresh, and that's that my dear friend and business partner is in hospice and she's been my good friend for 9 years and my business partner for 8 years and she's in hospice. So you know this is a situation that's been going on For about 7 weeks now. She was hospitalized, she had a couple of strokes and it ended her amazing career. She was a fantastic psychic and a wonderful friend. So she's still here with us and yet I, her family, her boyfriend, have all been her friends, other friends, her clients have all been grieving because she's not there anymore. You know, personality wise, that's been gone for weeks. So in that case we are in that stage where we're grieving and yet she's still alive and I know like I feel like a little bit better in the last week Coming to terms with the loss of her.

Speaker 1: 17:08

But she's supposed to pass, expected to pass any day now, and I expect that all of us will kind of fall apart again. You know, once that's over, once she's gone physically, that will fall apart again. Thankfully, her children are planning a memorial service and I'll be there and that will feel wonderful because again there's things like that give you the closure and it gives you the chance to Morn with the other people who knew her, knew your loved one. This is you, you know chance to talk about how wonderful they were and it's very heartwarming to hear what someone meant to other people, maybe in ways you didn't even know or to a depth you didn't know. So I look forward to that time. I'm not looking forward to her actually passing, but I know she's on the other side primarily. Anyway, she's doing fantastic, she has radiant light.

Speaker 1: 18:05

So grieving, you know it's happening to all of us around us. You know most people are grieving, they're in some stage of grieving. If you're over 35, 40 years old, you've lost someone. If you haven't, that's pretty amazing. So I think that's just another reason to be tender with one another, because we're all experiencing loss.

Speaker 1: 18:29

And you know, a long time ago, when I was studying with my first spirituality teacher and that was Belinda Howe, back in Prescott in the early 90s, like 1989, 90, she told me there will come a time in my lifetime when I will see people crossing at extraordinary numbers that they're choosing to cross. They just won't be able to take the energy. And I believe we're in that time now and it's part of why there's an escalation of deaths. And we have to understand. You know I don't blame any of those people for choosing to go. It's not like they're committing suicide, they're just going and you might have seen an escalation and a number of people you know who are passing. Bless them, you know. So not everybody can be strong through everything. Not everybody can take the chaos of the world right now, the energy of the world. Right now, we have to bless the people who couldn't and let them go back to the other side, and maybe that's part of the healing as well is to know that they did the best thing for themselves. Right now, if they can't take it, they can't take it, and it's not about leaving someone behind or or taking an easy out. It's knowing your limits. So that may be something you hadn't heard or hadn't thought about before.

Speaker 1: 19:50

It could be challenging to help people, to help family, friends or loved ones who are grieving. If you know people who are grieving, something you can do is offer a listening ear. Don't do a lot of the talking. Just let them talk about what they need to talk. They might need to talk at great length. A person can remind someone who's grieving that they're available to listen whenever they feel like talking about anything their feelings, sharing memories, concerns Just be there. Find practical ways to help and, instead of saying let me know what I can, if I can do anything for you, volunteer to help in specific ways, and this could involve preparing a meal, running errands or helping with childcare. Assure the person that their feelings are valid, no matter where they are. Their feelings are valid. That's how they feel. Remember that sadness can linger in some people for quite some time after a loss. Some days are going to be better than others, and those of you who've been there you know how true that is. If you need to support a grieving child I've had to do that a few times Ask the child questions to assess their emotional state and understanding of the loss.

Speaker 1: 21:05

You can say things like do you know where your daddy is? What do you feel about that? How are you feeling? And they're not going to give you a whole lot. I mean, when I was dealing with that with a two-year-old, three-year-old, it was like, oh, he went to heaven and I'm very sad. Aw, I bet you are. You know, just confirm it.

Speaker 1: 21:28

Maintain the child's routine as much as possible. Allow the child time to express their feelings, spending time with a child doing things they enjoy. Honestly, let's go forward a little bit. So I have great experience, unfortunately, helping teens. So when it's older children and teens, and actually even adults, one of the best things you can do is not shut down to talking about the loved one. Don't make it a taboo subject. No matter how that person died, it's important and healthy to talk about them, to have happy memories, and I remember when Uncle John did that. You know that is very important, and if it's a teenager, a child, an older child, they need to know they can talk about it. Even if it causes you pain, you need to talk about it with them too, not just the death, but the person themselves who's passed.

Speaker 1: 22:26

In conclusion, if you're experiencing grief, reach out for help. Ask your family, friends, neighbors or church members for emotional support. You may find local and national support groups to be an invaluable source of comfort and companionship. I can't say enough good things about grief support. Many people don't know what to say when someone's grieving. This can leave that person feeling alone and overwhelmed with their emotions. They can kind of sink down into it, get into a very dark place. It can be helpful to be with others who are grieving, like in a support group. They understand your thoughts and feelings, they know what you've gone through, they know this feeling Some who have already gone through the stage of grief you're in and can help you shift through it, and at some point you become the one who's helping newly grieving people through their pain. So I just think it's a wonderful thing, and I did go to one back when my ex-husband died just to help snap me out of that.

Speaker 1: 23:32

If a person you know is experiencing grief, you can help them cope in various ways. So again, offer a listening ear, volunteer to provide a service and if you don't know what to say, stick with. I'm sorry for your loss. I want to help you. Could I run errands for you or prepare some meals? Often people who are deeply grieving don't think about what needs to be done. They have difficulty coming up with a task you can help with. But if you suggest that they will accept, and if they don't accept, honor that I'm here if you need me and I mean it, and that's enough.

Speaker 1: 24:07

Try to avoid those trite platitudes. People hate them. Look, people do not like to hear he's in a better place than things of that sort. It won't help. Be gentle with yourself. If you are grieving and you're in the early stage and you need to cry, cry, let yourself isolate for a while as much as you can. Grieving is more than emotions. It's also reflecting on all that person who died meant to you. Do your best to think of the good times together and imagine your loved ones on the other side. See them radiant with health, free of negative emotions, joyous to be with the departed people they've missed, reunited with deceased pets. They adored spending time with the angels, because that's the reality being in the most beautiful, most loving place that exists. And be gentle again. Be gentle with yourself. Let yourself feel what you need to feel.

Speaker 1: 25:09

I think journaling is very important in this process. I talk about journaling a lot. I'm actually creating journals because I'm so big into it, like to sell, as I want them to be a certain way to help people, and I think journaling you know how you're feeling today, what your thoughts are, what your memories are. You'll see yourself healing. You'll see yourself pulling out of one stage into the next, into the next. Sometimes you need to look back on that and just see where you were to see the healing you've done so, if you're grieving my love to you, my hearts with you, and tune in next Sunday the topic is slowing down to enjoy life more. In the meantime, may your angels surround you, may your angels protect you every moment, every day of your life. I'll see you next week.