Elevating Your Life with Better Self-Awareness

Unlock the secrets to a more fulfilled life by developing a keen sense of self-awareness. This episode takes you on a transformative journey through the landscapes of public and private self-awareness, unveiling how they shape our happiness, influence, and decision-making abilities. We dissect the alarming self-awareness gap that plagues even the most powerful among us, leading to a lack of adaptability and empathy. But fear not, as we lay out actionable strategies for introspection, emotion management, and the art of seeking honest feedback to bridge this gap. Whether you're looking to enrich your personal connections or ascend the ladder of professional leadership, the insights shared here are the tools you need to refine your self-perception and the way you're perceived by others.

Tackling the complexities of self-awareness doesn't stop with personal development; it extends to how we interact with different personalities, including the challenging narcissist. While self-awareness can be a beacon of transformation for many, we discuss why certain strategies might not pivot the behaviors of those resistant to change. We emphasize the importance of understanding and responding to these challenging interactions, arming you with the knowledge to navigate through them wisely. So, whether you're aiming to cultivate stronger relationships or build a more cohesive team, tune in to discover how self-awareness can be your greatest ally in fostering a harmonious and effective environment.

Link to Self-Awareness Test:  https://inlpcenter.org/self-awareness-test



Next Sunday's Topic: Minimizing Dark Attacks

Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:36

Hi, thanks for joining me. Today's topic is developing self-awareness. First, a special hello to my listeners in Youngson, seoul, south Korea. Thank you for tuning in. I am excited to have you here. We're going to jump right into this topic.

Speaker 1: 1:55

A lot of people don't. They've heard the term self-awareness, but they're really not even sure what it is. But let me introduce this topic by saying that if you want to be happier, if you want to have more influence, be a better decision maker and a more effective leader, have people like you more, have more friends, happier family. Self-awareness is the most important ability that you can develop. It's what will keep you on target to be the best version of yourself in all aspects of your life. So what is it?

Speaker 1: 2:28

Self-awareness is defined as conscious knowledge of one's own character, about your feelings, your motives and desires. It is the ability to focus on yourself and how your actions, thoughts or emotions do or do not align with your internal standards. If you are highly self-aware, then you can objectively evaluate yourself. You're able to manage your emotions, align your behavior with your values and understand correctly how others perceive you. Types of self-awareness yes, there's actually types. The first one is, though, there's public and private. We're going to talk about public first. So public self-awareness is being able being more aware of how we appear to others. Because of that consciousness, we're more likely to adhere to social norms and behave in ways that are socially acceptable. While there are benefits to this type of awareness, there's also the danger of tipping into self-consciousness, and those who are especially high in this trait might spend too much time worrying about what others think about them, so you can go too far with this. The next one, the private self-awareness, is being able to notice and reflect on your internal state. So those who have private self-awareness are introspective people. They approach their feelings and reactions with curiosity. They think about their thoughts, their reactions, their actions, the things that have happened to them in life, and they're part in it. For example, you may notice that you're tensing up as you prepare for an important meeting. Noticing the physical sensations and correctly attributing them to your own anxiety about the meeting is an example of private self-awareness.

Speaker 1: 4:28

When self-awareness tips into self-consciousness, we become reluctant to share certain aspects of ourselves. We develop a persona that lacks authenticity, and most people are far less aware than we think. There's a multi-year study done of employers and employees found that 95% of people believe they are self-aware about how they're perceived by others, but the conclusion was that only 10 to 15% really are aware, and that is called the self-awareness gap. That same study also came to the conclusion that the lack of self-awareness is higher among people with more power, the ones whose cluelessness can do more damage. Even for average employees, low self-awareness can have profound effects. A study found that teams with members who were less self-aware made worse decisions. They engaged in less coordination, showed less conflict management and if those teams had individuals who overrated their contributions, the success rate was half that of other groups. That translate that same kind of the numbers there. 10 to 15% of people whether you're in a workplace or not translates to 10 to 15% of family, social groups and people in life in general really have any kind of self-awareness.

Speaker 1: 6:01

In a separate study, canadian researchers looked at brain activity in people who are in positions of power. They found physiological evidence to conclude that as power increases, the ability to empathize with others decreases. Are you surprised? Leaders become less able to consider the needs and perspectives of other people. Fundamentally, these leaders don't think they need to change, and instead they require a change from everyone else. I'm not going to name names here, because that's just not what my show's about. But I will say we're seeing a lot of that evidence by many in the government not just our government here in the States either big businesses, corporations, people in positions of power and it explains why these people are not interested in hearing what the public wants or needs not everyone, but quite a lot.

Speaker 1: 6:57

So let's talk a little bit more about the self-awareness gap. That was the difference between the percentage of people who think they have self-awareness and the percentage who actually do. So many of us grew up hearing the message that you should not show your emotions. I actually grew up like that. So we attempt to ignore or suppress them With negative emotions. That doesn't go very well for us. We either internalize them have you heard of stuffing your feelings, and that results in anger, resentment, depression and resignation, where you just give up or we externalize them and blame, discount and bully other people. Neither one is doing anybody any favors. So let's talk about some signs that a person has low self-awareness. How do you know when you're dealing with a person who has this problem? Here's a few telltale signs you can look for.

Speaker 1: 7:57

They don't adapt their behavior. People who lack self-awareness use the same approach repeatedly, without tailoring it to different individuals and personalities and situations. They don't modify it based on the results. They use a one-size-fits-all approach with everything and everyone they encounter. They're surprised by people's reactions.

Speaker 1: 8:21

Low self-awareness individuals are more focused on what their intention is than they are and the impact of their behavior on others, so they just wanna get things done. So when you get frustrated, angry or defensive about their behavior, you're likely catching them off guard, because they're not thinking about your feelings, your reactions at all. They're just getting a job done. They get defensive about feedback. People who are aware of their faults often respond to negative feedback with a groan or an apology oh yeah, I'm working on that. Yeah, but if your feedback involves a more emotional reaction, they likely had no clue what was happening. They overestimate their own contributions. When you're not tuned into the impact of your behavior, it's easy to overstate the positive impact you're making.

Speaker 1: 9:16

Low self-awareness people often think they are more of a gift to the people in their life and their workplace than they actually are. They underestimate the damage they cause to others. On the flip side, people with poor self-awareness also underplay the negative impact of their behavior. So people might point out to them. Hey, you really heard a lot of people's feelings. Oh no, you know, they're just sensitive. No, it wasn't that bad. Yeah, we've all been through that.

Speaker 1: 9:46

So how do you deal with a person who lacks that self-awareness? There's no guaranteed way for you to enhance someone's self-awareness. You can work on it. Mostly, we can work on ourselves, remember. But you can try one of these approaches. First, understand how they would like to be perceived.

Speaker 1: 10:07

Rather than confronting someone with evidence that they're perceived poorly, you can ask how they would like to be perceived. For example, you can ask questions such as how would you like to be thought of by your friends? How would you like people to feel when they receive a communication from you? Once you know what they're working toward, then you can provide your perspective on what might help them have that desired impact. For example, you can say something like if you'd like your staff to feel motivated after they read your email, you might revisit your language about our numbers this quarter. I felt demoralized when reading. We still have such a big gap to make up. How could you reframe a message like that so it feels doable and leaves people feeling motivated to do better? If it's a personal situation, you can say something along the lines of if you want to keep this friendship, you might think about your words before saying them and how it might make me and others feel and pay attention to my emotions when we're conversing. I would find that much more pleasant to be around.

Speaker 1: 11:15

You have to put these things in your own word, and I am not. I am self-aware, so I know that. It's why I keep saying in all my episodes please don't feel like you need to use the words I say in an episode. It's about what fits for you, the situation and your personality, what feels right to you. So I bet there's a lot of you out there going, oh dear, what if I'm not self-aware? How do I know if I'm a self-aware person, right, well, don't, don't get upset if you don't make the 10 to 15% self-awareness cut. If you want to know how self-aware you are, there's an online test you can take. It has 12 multiple choice questions that will tell you the level of your self-awareness and what you can do to improve it. The assessment is research based and developed by a neuro linguistic trainer and life coach, and I have listed the URL for this test in the show notes so that you can go to it and take it yourself. So let's say, you take this test and, as most of us who take it are going to discover, whoops, I'm not nearly as self-aware as I thought I was or want to be.

Speaker 1: 12:25

How do you become more self-aware? First envision yourself. First envision yourself. Visualize the best version of yourself, your ultimate version, how you would love to be in a perfect world. And as you lean into your strengths to become a better version of yourself, you can use that idealized self to keep moving in the right direction and avoid being distracted by setbacks and other obstacles. You have a goal. I want to be like that. Now, how many of us are going to reach our idealized version? Not many, but you can come a lot closer.

Speaker 1: 13:04

Ask the what questions? At the core of self awareness is the ability to self reflect. I talk about this in so many episodes of my podcast and in so many of my sessions because taking that time for introspection is what gives you a true understanding of who you are and how you appear and how you come across to others. But research in that area contends that most people are going about reflection in the wrong way. The trouble is we keep asking ourselves the wrong questions in our attempt to resolve our internal conflict. We ask why? But there's no way to answer that question because we don't yet have access to that consciousness. Instead, we make up answers, and they might not be accurate. The danger of asking why questions is that it sends us down this rabbit hole of our negative thoughts. We focus on our weaknesses and insecurities, and that's that's not necessary. It's not a time to beat yourself up.

Speaker 1: 14:10

Asking the what questions puts you into an objective and open space of considering all the factors that might influence a particular outcome. For example, instead of saying why don't I speak up in meetings, we could ask ourselves what were the interpersonal dynamics in the room? Maybe there's something that really wasn't appropriate to do a lot of speaking up or there was somebody monopolizing the conversation and it was impossible to get a word. And, edgewise, what was I experiencing in my and my body during that meeting? So you can really examine what were the emotions that came up. Where did that come from? What caused what happened that caused me to go into my old story of not being good enough. I don't have anything people want to hear. Well, if I say something, it's just going to be something somebody else already said. I'm going to look stupid. What can I do to overcome my fear of speaking up? Because you want to take action toward overcoming the issues you identify you have.

Speaker 1: 15:16

That kind of introspection allows you to look at behaviors and beliefs for what they are. With self awareness, you can examine old patterns and stories that don't serve you. You can move on. Doesn't that sound great? Asking the right questions empowers you to make different choices that bring different results. Hey, how about that? You can make a plan about how you can handle situations going forward in a better way. Find out who will be at your next meeting and what the goals are. Decide to actively listen for opportunities to ask meaningful questions that are going to move the conversation forward. And when you're at the meeting, you can silently name any emotions that come up within you and decide not to be overwhelmed by them. This is going to be a huge step for you toward better self awareness.

Speaker 1: 16:09

Next, strengthen your brain. The primitive brain is known as the I'm going to mispronounce this, I know it a big Dilla. It's a little late when I'm recording this today. It was the first part of the brain to develop in humans, and it functioned as a kind of radar signaling the need for fight or flight. That part of the brain is skilled at anticipating danger and it reacts before we can even name a negative emotion. We're having our heart races, our stomachs tighten, our neck muscles tense up. In that moment your body's reaction is like a trip wire signaling to that prefrontal cortex to register or name a negative emotion. If you bring awareness to your physical state, you can in that moment recognize the emotion as it is happening, and becoming skillful at this truly rewires your brain.

Speaker 1: 17:08

Naming your feelings is critical in decision making. When we let our feelings overwhelm us, we kind of shut down our brain and we can make bad decisions with unintended consequences. Naming your emotions allows you to take a step back and kind of take a third person perspective at a situation. You will more objectively evaluate what's going on. Let's say that you are a self-aware person and you're having a conversation with someone and receiving some negative feedback. Your heart begins to race and you're feeling threatened and you might say to yourself I feel like this person is attacking me, but before you cry or get angry or blow up at them, you stop yourself and you hear that person out. One technique I like to use is say what is the best possible reason. This person might have said that to me or might have done that, so that I know I'm not going from a place of emotion. I want to go more into my logical side, which is pretty strong. You can discover that this person had at least one good point and you can start up a different conversation and after some time to reflect, you can see that probably your emotions had nothing to do with the conversation and were maybe triggered by an experience from your past.

Speaker 1: 18:30

So ask others about their perception of you. This can be scary, but it's really probably the crowning glory of getting some true insight to your self-awareness, or lack thereof. So now that you've discovered that feedback doesn't have to be scary, you can ask other people your family, your friends, coworkers how they perceive you in certain situations, and getting specific with that will help you obtain more concrete feedback from them. So get brave and ask them how they would like to see you behave. You can do this as an exercise. You could do several different situations with each person you talk to. So pick out a scenario you would like to receive feedback on and list them so you can say how do I come across to you when I am receiving negative feedback?

Speaker 1: 19:24

Then you make two columns. Column A is how you see yourself, column B is how others see you. So in column A you're going to list words to describe your attitude and behaviors in a situation like that and then you ask your friend, your coworker, your family member to do the same thing and record those responses. In column B, you're going to look for discrepancies and you may have some blind spots that need attending. Most people do. We're so wrapped up in our own little world we are not paying enough attention to interactions with others. So here's one. Boy, you're going to hear it from me again Keep a journal.

Speaker 1: 20:05

The journals are great. It's a great way to pay more attention to what's going on with your private and public self. It's going to help you recognize patterns that either serve you or don't, and you can use prompts for your journaling, such as what did I do well today? What challenges did I face and how did I respond? What was I feeling? Where did that feeling come from? How did I respond in retrospect? Would I or could I have responded differently? What strengths did I use to keep me focused on the best version of myself. What is my intention for tomorrow? My intention is every night I say Angels God, help me be a better person tomorrow than I was today, because I'm definitely not perfect.

Speaker 1: 20:54

Okay, the next one is practicing mindfulness. It's a practice, and literally make it a practice, meaning you do it regularly. It requires ongoing attention. It helps you be more aware of what's going on in your mind, your body and environment. Meditation is one of a few practices that you can insert into your daily life, and practicing mindfulness is a wonderful tool for developing greater self-control. Here's some examples of mindfulness activities. To get you started Just deep breathing, name your surroundings, organize your space, draw or paint. That's not by no means an exclusive list. It's just some ideas to get your brain going with that thinking of how you go about this, because the road to self-awareness is a journey, just like your entire spiritual journey, your personal growth journey.

Speaker 1: 21:51

The most self-aware people see themselves on a quest to mastery rather than being at a specific destination. As you move forward in developing your own self-awareness, ask yourself regularly how will I move toward the best version of myself today? I like to ask after I do something, I say something, react in a way I think is not my best self. I immediately are like okay, what could I? How can I handle that better? How, how could the outcome have been improved if I'd responded in that other way? So I want to talk just a little tad bit here at the end, talking about whether a person is unaware or just despicable.

Speaker 1: 22:36

Sometimes you assume that a person who leaves a dent, who damages others, has low self-awareness, when the truth is they're just a jerk. They could be a narcissist, a sociopath, a damaged human being. Unfortunately, some people are well aware of the consequences and collateral damage of their behavior and they choose to continue that behavior. For some it might even get them their desired results, at least in the short term, but eventually it won't. It's important to be aware that these people are out there. I think more and more it is like the whole topic of narcissists has become a real hot topic in the last few years.

Speaker 1: 23:16

So the techniques that I discussed in this episode will not work with these people. Those are people who are not interested in changing. It's always somebody else, not them. So you'll know. I mean, if you try these things and you're getting nowhere, you probably already know if you are have a narcissist in your family, in your circle of friends probably not, or in your workplace? You could have several. I just don't want you to beat your head against a wall with a personality type that it won't change anything with.

Speaker 1: 23:51

So, in conclusion, I trust that this particular episode made you more aware of the topic of self-awareness and perhaps it spurs you to take the self-awareness test and ask your friends for feedback. I'll be curious to hear if you took any of these steps and how you're working towards greater self-awareness. It really is a huge issue and if all of us work on this consciously, things will start to ease all across the board, in every aspect of our society and in our personal lives and between countries. So, with all that being said, next week's topic is minimizing dark attacks, so I'll be going into some specifics on that and in the meantime, may your angels surround you. May your angels protect you every moment, every day of your life. I'll see you next week.