Ready for a mind-expanding trip into the realm of BDSM? You’re about to unlearn some deeply ingrained misconceptions! We're debunking the myth that BDSM is a trauma response, a stereotype rooted in heteronormative and socially normative perspectives. We'll expose how this practice ranges from mild to wild, can be a tool for working through trauma, and is even part of asexual people's lives.
BDSM is more than just kink – it’s a journey of self-discovery, healing, and liberation. It's about restructuring self-concept, repurposing behaviors, and redefining relationships with pain. We discuss how BDSM provides opportunities for role switch, self-exploration, and experimenting with different types of connectedness. We'll shed light on the often overlooked, intimate, and tender connection that BDSM fosters, essential for understanding trust in these specialized relationships.
We also explore how BDSM can be therapeutic, similar to meditation, mindfulness, and relaxation. It can make one feel more attuned and alive, similar to the runner’s high. You’ll learn about the concept of "subspace," an altered state of consciousness achieved through BDSM that some practitioners describe as a heightened state of eroticism. We highlight the role of BDSM in identity exploration, negotiating power dynamics, developing trust and communication skills, and creating a safe space for exploration and discovery. Get ready for a fresh, inclusive perspective on sex education and BDSM.
Follow us on social @sexeddebunked or send us a message at sexeddebunked@gmail.com
Ready for a mind-expanding trip into the realm of BDSM? You’re about to unlearn some deeply ingrained misconceptions! We're debunking the myth that BDSM is a trauma response, a stereotype rooted in heteronormative and socially normative perspectives. We'll expose how this practice ranges from mild to wild, can be a tool for working through trauma, and is even part of asexual people's lives.
BDSM is more than just kink – it’s a journey of self-discovery, healing, and liberation. It's about restructuring self-concept, repurposing behaviors, and redefining relationships with pain. We discuss how BDSM provides opportunities for role switch, self-exploration, and experimenting with different types of connectedness. We'll shed light on the often overlooked, intimate, and tender connection that BDSM fosters, essential for understanding trust in these specialized relationships.
We also explore how BDSM can be therapeutic, similar to meditation, mindfulness, and relaxation. It can make one feel more attuned and alive, similar to the runner’s high. You’ll learn about the concept of "subspace," an altered state of consciousness achieved through BDSM that some practitioners describe as a heightened state of eroticism. We highlight the role of BDSM in identity exploration, negotiating power dynamics, developing trust and communication skills, and creating a safe space for exploration and discovery. Get ready for a fresh, inclusive perspective on sex education and BDSM.
Follow us on social @sexeddebunked or send us a message at sexeddebunked@gmail.com
Hi, this is Sex Ed Debunked, a cross-generational podcast hosted by mother-daughter duo, christine and.
Shannon:Shannon Curley. Every episode we tackle a new myth about sex, sexuality and pleasure, and use research and expert insights to debunk stereotypes and misinformation from the bedroom and beyond. In 2022,. We won the American Association of Sexuality Educators, counselors and Therapists Award for Best Podcast and also managed to not totally freak out our family and friends along the way.
Christine:We believe in healthy, sex-positive, pleasure-focused sex education, backed by real research and real experience.
Shannon:Follow us on Instagram, facebook or Twitter at Sex Ed Debunked or email us at SexEdDeBunked at gmailcom to share your sex miseducation tales and the myths you'd like to hear us debunk. Thanks for listening.
Shannon:Hi, this is Sex. Ed Debunked a cross-generational podcast about sexual health, sex positivity and the sheer number of acronyms in the sex and gender world. It's crazy. It's like being in corporate. I think, goodness, I'm not in corporate anymore. It's wild. Sometimes I just throw out acronyms that don't mean anything, just to see if people catch me and they just nod. I'm like that wasn't real. I said an N-P-W and they just said okay, and I'm like an N-P-W is nothing. It's nothing.
Christine:And you said yes, well, part of the problem is people don't know if they're current and like, oh my gosh, have I missed something? So maybe that's not the kindest thing, shannon.
Shannon:It is the kindest thing, because the best way to learn is to ask questions.
Christine:True enough. So, anyway, that leads into this week's episode, where we're talking about BDSM, bondage and discipline, domination, submission, sadism and masochism, Just in time for October, national Kick Month.
Shannon:Wow, didn't know it had its own month. Also, what a complicated acronym, because you, for sure, just said six different words for four letters.
Christine:Yes, so perhaps I should slow down and we go over it one more time, even though we've discussed BDSM on several other podcast episodes. Let's just have a refresher so you all don't have to go back and listen to those episodes again.
Shannon:That would be the worst, if you had to go back and listen to some of our episodes.
Christine:Well, you know, while you're listening to this one, you don't want to have to pause and go back.
Shannon:All right, so give us the definition, give us the placeholder letters there.
Christine:Okay, bdsm, b, bondage, which can also be restraining. D, which is dominance or domination. Sometimes the D can be referred to as a DOM or a top. Now, sometimes the BDSM the S is a little S, and when it's a little S it means submission, which is letting go of control, and that is being a sub or a bottom, and sometimes the S is a big S, which means you're into specifically sadism and inflicting pain, and then the M is masochism and receiving pain. So the letters can overlap and, importantly, they don't always mean it's a sexual experience, although often it's an erotic experience.
Shannon:Give our audience a quick refresher on the difference between sexual experience and erotic experience.
Christine:Well, in the context of BDSM and Kink practitioners, there is not an expectation that what is happening is going to lead to some type of genital contact or sexual activity. Sometimes, and in many cases, one activity doesn't lead to the other. So, for example, if someone is engaging in bondage and is being tied up as part of roleplay, it doesn't necessarily mean at the end, when the person is untied, they are going to engage in a sexual experience with the top or otherwise known as the rigor. So in the community there's no expectation that it's going to be sexual.
Shannon:It's interesting because I don't know if you knew this actually, mom, but it's asexual asexuality awareness week this week, and not that we will delve into this whole separate myth, but it is interesting because asexual people who identify as asexual can and do participate in BDSM, which just goes to show you that you can participate in BDSM without being involved in a sexual act. Excellent point, the more you know. In a prior episode, we talked about the myth that BDSM is all about sex and pain, and we debunked that myth and talked about all the different elements and how control and dominance and power dynamics all play in. But that doesn't necessarily mean that it is painful. And then, in myth 23, we discussed the myth that BDSM is only for deviance, and we talked about that with Rin Fufer, who also gave us a lot of other really interesting information about her experience in sex work and sex journalism.
Shannon:But we are returning to the topic of BDSM today, not because we're obsessed with it, but because there's a lot to be understood about BDSM. And again, it is kink month, so it feels appropriate. But the myth that we're tackling today is the myth that BDSM is a trauma response, and where this myth comes from is the idea that people seek out bondage and submission and power dynamics and kink, in a word, because they have been sexually traumatized or are otherwise sexually dysfunctional. So this is kind of that idea that this myth that comes from very heteronormative but also just sort of socially normative perspectives that are not correct, but the idea that well, if you're into BDSM then it's because you're into weird stuff or you got something weird going on or there's something weird about you. And we're here to debunk that myth because, believe it or not, a lot of people participate in a lot of BDSM at various ranges. But also there's a lot of research that supports that BDSM is not just not a trauma response but in fact can help work through trauma.
Christine:Yes, shannon, and I just want to point out like this is kind of a particularly like painful myth for people in the BDSM kink community because, as we've mentioned, there's already a stigmatization that it's somehow deviant, and now you're piling on to say, well, on top of that, you're all a bunch of damaged people, and so it is critically important, in my opinion, that we debunk this myth separately, even though we've talked about BDSM and kink before, because, as you said, there is an abundance research that suggests that BDSM kink is actually can be, for a lot of people, a path to healing. But, as a general matter, I want to point out the research that's consistent, that shows there are absolutely no greater percentage of people in the kink community who have experienced trauma or abuse when compared to the general population and, for that matter, no higher incidence of depression, anxiety, ptsd, personality disorders. So, basically, the BDSM community and kink community is really no different from the population at large.
Shannon:In other words, they're no more messed up than you are. Vanilla people Come on.
Christine:Well said Shannon. So let's talk a little bit about the recent research that has actually found that participating in BDSM kink can actually be a healing experience for some people who have experienced either sexual trauma or other abuse, especially in childhood.
Shannon:Yeah, and just a reminder if this is a topic of interest to folks, rinne again in episode or in myth number 23, talked about her personal experience with BDSM and power dynamics and how she used that to heal from her own sexual trauma. So if you are interested in a personal story about that, myth number 23,. But we are talking about the research side of things in this episode. So there was a study published this year, 2023, in the sexual and relationship therapy journal. It was a qualitative study, which we talk about all the time.
Shannon:But what I found the most interesting from this study and I'll let you, dr, go into more of the details here but what I found interesting was that from interviewing 20 participants about BDSM and about their experience with BDSM, there were six themes that were kind of pulled out for what BDSM is used for, what the practice of BDSM can do. And so those six themes were BDSM in the cultural context of healing, bdsm as a restructuring of the self concept relationally liberation through BDSM dynamics so things like tops and bottoms and power dynamics creating liberation for BDSM as a reclamation of power. Five as BDSM repurposing behaviors and six BDSM redefining relationships with pain. So kind of just interesting to even just walk through that list of six, because everything in that is obviously really positively connotated. For the most part it's all about reclamation and repositioning and understanding a new perspective, not just about, obviously, sex and intimacy and erotic relationships, but all about those relationships with yourself.
Christine:Well, and what's really particularly interesting, even though this is a study with a relatively small sample, the sample was taken from five different countries, so the participants came from five different countries and these themes came from their stories and their narratives and their interviews.
Christine:So the researchers called these themes that were pretty consistent across a majority of the people they were interviewed. So let's talk specifically about what each of these themes mean in terms of the potential of BDSM kink in connection with different types of trauma. So the first it was framed as a cultural context of healing and under this category, individuals talked about the fact that the norms around BDSM in terms of having a highly consensual culture, having an understanding that these activities don't have to lead to sex those changing norms actually allowed them, allowed these participants to reframe what kink means and what trauma means. And, importantly, a lot of the participants in this study were also working with kink aware therapists at the time. So that helped them reframe their experiences using BDS norms of saying, hey, you know what? This is a different way to go about structuring erotic play and erotic relationships.
Shannon:And then the second one was the restructuring, the self concept, and this one's interesting to me because I think there's all different levels of this right like what your self concept is. So it's something as much as sexual self-esteem and new self-knowledge and reclaiming your confidence. But I've even heard folks talk about this in the context of in my day-to-day life, in my waking life, I'm so in control and I'm such a powerful person that in BDSM I love being a sub, because it lets me completely embody this other part of myself that I don't get to live out in my day-to-day life. And so that's where I think this is an interesting one with the whole restructuring self concept, because one way or another, if your self concept is that you're always in power or your self concept is that you're a little bit more subordinate in your daily life, there's an opportunity to really switch that role playing, you know, both within yourself and with a partner, through BDSM, which is just a really interesting, striking balance.
Christine:It is, it's striking. Is that a pun intended? Yeah, yeah.
Christine:I don't know if it's tied up in the metaphors, but Well and I think the other layer of that is what you just mentioned is the role playing aspect. So the role playing allows individuals to experiment with who they are and experiment with in a gradual way of how to unravel how they might have been impacted by other past negative experiences. So it allows individuals to step into their power because it's starting as role play, and as role play, you can you know for lack of a better term kind of fake it till you make it and explore these areas in a safe way. Yeah, all right.
Christine:That's the one thing that you can't fake Well but it does allow you to play with different roles and to explore yourself in a different way, kind of outside the box. So that is kind of the part of the whole dynamics of BDSM and role play and power exchange is it lets you play with things that might be outside of your ordinary lived experience.
Shannon:And then that leads to the third sort of theme that was pulled out of this research, which was liberation through relationships, so similar to the idea of self-concept, except now bringing a relational dynamic into it.
Christine:And that is an important distinction is that now these individuals are not, are talking about learning a different kind of connectedness.
Shannon:Yeah, and learning to be seen and valued in different ways as well by those intimate partners. You know, I think a submith of BDSM and of Kink is again, and we talked about it being about pain, sex and pain being the BDSM myth. But there's also with bondage and with tying up and with blindfolding and things like that, there's an intimacy to it that I think will overlook. Where it's like you're being gentle, there's a gentleness and of course that ranges too. But there is so much opportunity in BDSM to be gentle and to be intimate and to be careful and thoughtful and I think that gets overlooked a lot. But when we look at this third theme of relational dynamics with others, of liberation and relationships, that's the flip side. It's not just pain and power, it's also tenderness.
Christine:Well, and the tenderness and the vulnerability and the openness comes from this really enhanced need for trust in a BDSM relationship, and it doesn't have to be. It doesn't have to be a relationship like we think of it in terms of a romantic relationship. Instead, it's more like what's my relationship between the Dom and the sub, and in order for a sub to give consent, a submissive to give consent, that requires such a high degree of trust and that's part of the way these types of relationships can be liberating, because, because BDSM has such strong consent guidelines and boundary guidelines, you can learn liberation of a new relationship of trust that allows you to be more vulnerable and more open to new experiences that maybe you couldn't explore in the quote. Unquote vanilla world.
Shannon:Which leads to that fourth theme, which is reclaiming power. So very similar, but setting and maintaining personal boundaries is a reclamation of power. So being able to say no in that context, that context Well, and setting and maintaining and that's another main myth too is that there's no consent in BDSM. There is so much consent in BDSM because of that, because setting boundaries and maintaining personal boundaries is such a valued part, and a sacred part even, of the BDSM relationship.
Christine:Really it is, and on top of that, much like when we talked way, way back in the beginning, we talked about consent and we talked about fries.
Christine:Even in the BDSM world, you are free to revoke consent and you are free to have boundaries that are yellow or red when you come across something that you're uncomfortable in at the moment. So even if you are in the role of a submissive and you have given consent to the dominant person, you can still revoke that consent, even in the middle of a scene, and that is really part of what reclaiming power is about. Some of the individuals who talked about that actually said and this was a quote from the study that being powerless is powerful. That's a really kind of I don't know. A very deep theme, I think, is being able to be so in such a space that you can give up all your power transcends a lot of what we come to understand in everyday life in terms of giving up power. You don't usually see it as a positive, but the participants in this study saw it as a way to transition into a new sense of their own power, which was very, very cool.
Shannon:Yeah, and I think just this is an important place to pause and remind everyone again about what the myth of this episode is. The myth is that BDSM is a trauma response, but what the research really supports is that it helps heal trauma. So, as we're talking through these themes, it makes sense that being powerless is powerful. Imagine, right In the context of healing from trauma, to be able to feel like you don't have to be in utter control and you can still trust yourself and feel trusted and in control when you're out of control. It actually makes a ton of sense, when you think about it in the context of this myth that we're talking about today, that if you can use BDSM to coach yourself through feelings that maybe once were triggering to you and instead use them as a reclamation of control, that makes sense.
Shannon:And so that leads to the fifth theme, which is repurposing behaviors. And so that's engaging in acts that maybe have harmed someone in the past. And you can think of that as maybe role playing, where you role place through maybe a scary situation or a traumatic situation. And how do you work through that? Even thinking about it with a very easy example, but maybe something traumatic occurred in the dark and you can really have them to be blindfolded and that might take a while to work through that and you may have to work through your setting of boundaries constantly. Where I'm blindfolded for five seconds, I'm done stop and it's stopped and respected. But next time you can do that.
Christine:But that's a good point. Shannon is under this theme. It's considered very gradual, a great gradual, prolonged exposure, which is really similar to any form of like exposure therapy in psychology, where you have something that you're traumatized with or you're afraid of and the idea is to to slowly become acclimated to that so you no longer have the trauma response. The flip side of that is a number of participants talked about re-centering their pleasure. So if you talk about, like darkness and the blindfold your example, to take your example, shannon well, instead of being when you're blindfolded, you can have the opportunity to just focus on your own pleasure and your own body rather than focusing on fear. And so, once again, to quote from one of the participants in the study, focusing on the pleasure in the moment created a better reality, which is also pretty, pretty stunning that that there's such potential in the BDSM kink space to alter reality and for some that's a really powerful experience.
Shannon:Well, and I think this is a good place to remind people that they're, you know, a therapist who is kink aware is really important.
Shannon:If someone is using BDSM to work through trauma, having a therapist who understands what particular trauma they're trying to work through is very important and, at a minimum, having a partner who understands what they're trying to work through in that BDSM context.
Shannon:Because, you know, one of the more extreme examples of role play with BDSM or healing through trauma would be you know power dynamics right. If you are a victim of sexual assault or sexual abuse, something you might try to work through is asserting power in a situation where there is someone who is in a more natural position of privilege and you're working through setting boundaries or you're working through inverting that power structure so that you're in control. Well, that's all well and good on paper, but you are still a person processing trauma. So having a partner who understands the trauma you are still going through to process and doesn't immediately throw you in the deep end, and also pairing that with a kink aware therapist, is just really important. That you know you don't listen to this and think I'm going to heal it, I'm going to go do some BDSM and I'm going to be great tomorrow. As with any form of therapy, it is important to be mindful of the way that your psychology works with your body.
Christine:And it's important to know too, Shannon, there and we can post this when we post the podcast there are a lot of kink aware practitioners out there and there are resources where to find them. You know the hours in Pawtucket. Rhode Island has resources, but more and more counselors are actually becoming aware of this potentiality. So I would suggest find the right therapist, as we've talked about in other podcasts. Finding the right therapist is crucial, but I want to add, they are out there. In fact, I have some friends who are in that space so, and they are eager to practice in that space in order to find this new, the kind of a new tool in terms of helping people through trauma to a more positive sexuality for themselves. So that leads us to the last sub theme, right, Shannon?
Shannon:Yup Sub theme.
Christine:Okay, which is redefining pain. So there are people in the BDSM kink space who actually do contrary to what some may say actually do find the pain experience very transcendent. So for this group of participants in this study, they found that, in order, enduring the painful experience actually allowed them to transcend those memories and allowed them to reframe the experience of pain as something that was more positive.
Shannon:And we have another research study where we'll talk a little bit more about that and some of the findings from that. But I think you know just again, it's important to emphasize here that even though this research happens to show a relationship between healing from trauma, it doesn't mean that people who participate in BDSM are more likely to have experienced trauma.
Christine:No, exactly the opposite. Bdsm kink community, vanilla community the numbers are the same. We, as humans, have experienced trauma and you know, there is no research that I've been able to find and I have looked through a fair amount of it to show that there's any higher prevalence in the BDSM kink community of any. You know pathology, contrary to the myth. So, which leads us to the next research, because, although this study involved a small qualitative sample, the findings of this study are actually in line with other research about potential benefits of BDSM kink practices. So I'm going to refer to a study from 2020 that was published in the Journal of Sex Research, and this one looked at testimonials of 227 practitioners about potential benefits of BDSM.
Shannon:Yes, the first one is sort of meditation, mindfulness and relaxation. So that's the potential benefit is that you have to be present and focused in the BDSM dynamic. You can't. You know, it's pretty difficult to not be tuned in to that experience.
Christine:Well, and that's part of the practice of BDSM kink is part of it, quite honestly, is learning how to be present and focused. So it's in line with kind of the vanilla world of meditation and mindfulness, and the experiences of BDSM practitioners are quite similar to those people who are like yogis or meditating and I think it leads to the same type of benefits, which is basically learning how to be more focused in the rest of your life and learning how to be more present in the rest of your life.
Shannon:And again it's that idea that we talked about under that fifth theme of repurposing behaviors, of centering your pleasure. How often in meditation and mindfulness practices do you hear find your center, center yourself?
Christine:Exactly Similar theme we have going on Like return to your breathing right.
Shannon:Well, maybe that hitting is really fast paced and escalating by the second, who knows?
Christine:Or it might simply be return to your skin, return to your body, return to the feeling of the impact of, you know, of a flog or a whip or whatever your, your, your kink is in the moment, which actually leads to a second potential benefit, reported by a fair amount of practitioners, which this this idea of an altered state of consciousness, which in the community is often referred to as subspace, and that is almost like, if you're so in the moment and you're so focused, you can actually, kind of like, leave your body, for lack of a better term, the the participants in the study who talked about the experience referred to it as a trance and referred to it as like really being outside of themselves, which is a very interesting experience, I would imagine.
Shannon:Yeah, it's funny. I think that Rin mentioned that when we interviewed her and I don't remember if we included it on the episode or not, but maybe I'll do a little digging and find out if we can get that sound bite, because Rin did mention that and that was part of her experience with using BDSM as a trauma. Healing experience was being able to separate herself and just enjoy pleasure in that subspace.
Christine:Then the last one that came up in this study, which was contrary to what the researchers expected, was that for some participants, pain is actually enjoyed for its own benefit. They asked a lot of questions of these individuals and found that a fair amount of them actually just had a very high pain tolerance to begin with. But the experience that they discussed was like a runner's high, when you reach that point not that I've done it all that much, but you reach that point where it's painful and then you push through the pain and you start feeling euphoric. Well, the idea of the pain in the BDSM context is really similar, because the endorphins both are analgesic, which means they ease pain, and euphoric, which means it's energizing and it can put you on a high. So that was a really curious and unexpected finding, but I think it really reinforces the idea that BDSM is not something that's a result of sexual dysfunction. It's actually a way to practice a higher state of eroticism. Really.
Shannon:Yeah, it's interesting. I could see that some of our listeners might hear that and say okay, so you should want to be in pain. No, no, no, this is a subset of the study.
Christine:It was an unexpected finding because most practitioners talk about the meditation aspect and the trans-like aspect and the other benefits, like the fun of being able to roleplay and, like you mentioned earlier, shannon, the idea of, hey, I'm in control of everything in my real life, it's so good to get up control, or I am my real life, I have no control, and so it's so fun to be dominant. And there are individuals in the community that are called switches that alternate, depending on context, what they want to do. So all of those are different aspects of the experience, and the idea that some individuals actually enjoy the pain aspect is just one more facet of the BDSM kank experience.
Shannon:It's funny. I was talking to a friend of mine. The podcast comes up, naturally, in conversation quite a bit and I've found and this is why we do the show but when someone finds out that you're willing to talk about sex, they sure will talk about sex with you. And so I was talking to a friend of mine and they said you know, I love being tied up. And I was like cool. And they said I love being tied up by my husband. And I said cool. And they said I love being tied up by my husband because I spend all of my time running the household and having to ask him to do things and like reminding him of stuff and having to tell him to pick up his towels and do this. And that's just like. I just love being tied up and restrained because I feel like all the time I'm the one telling him what to do. I'm like you know I go out on a limb and say your husband probably likes it for similar reasons.
Shannon:Very perceptive BDSM. Again, it gets this very this bad rep for being so extreme or being deviant or being all about sex and pain, and we've debunked all those myths at this point. But the thing is too that much like pretty much everything we talk about in the world of sexuality and gender. It's a spectrum, it is a range and you can play with it as much as you'd like and we are not a go do BDSM podcast, but certainly, if you want to consider adding it to your all a cart menu of sexual experience, as we have shown, there can be benefits for the individual and for couples and for not couples and for anyone who's interested in playing around, you might find something you like.
Christine:Well said, Shannon. So the myth today was that practicing BDSM is a form of a trauma response. In fact, for many individuals who practice BDSM kink, engaging in these activities in a trusting, highly consensual, conscious environment has been a healing and transformative experience for persons to reclaim their sexuality and sexual agency.
Shannon:So that, my friends, is another myth Put to bed. Thanks so much for tuning in to Sex Ed Debunked. We will be back again next week with another study session. You won't want to miss it. It is very specific to November Bonus points, if you can guess what it's about. We hope that everyone enjoys and acknowledges that this week is asexuality awareness week and this month, october, is kink awareness month. And again, as usual, if you've got any myths you'd like us to debunk, to debunk topics you'd like us to cover or basically anything else, send us a message at sexeddebunkedgmailcom and follow us on all the socials at Sex Ed Debunked.
Christine:Take care everyone. Happy Halloween Whoo. Thanks for tuning in for this week's episode of Sex Ed Debunked During the course of our podcast. We have limited time together, which means that, unfortunately, many identities, groups and movements may not be represented each week. The field of sexuality and gender orientations, identities and behaviors are changing and growing rapidly, and we remain committed to being as inclusive as possible.
Shannon:Please remember that all of us, including us, are learning in this area and may occasionally slip up. We ask that we all continue to be kind to one another so that we can create a truly inclusive and accepting environment. As always, if you have any questions or comments, please feel free to reach out to us at Sex Ed Debunked on Instagram, facebook and Twitter.
Christine:Sex Ed Debunked is produced by Trailblaze Media in Providence, Rhode Island. Our sound producer is Ezra Winters, with production assistance from Shea Winentree.