Mom's Got This: Parenting Sons in a Fatherless Home

Esmeralda shares her perspective on raising two teenage boys as a single mother and discusses her views on what makes a good man in today's world.

• Being a man comes with unique challenges like societal expectations to be the provider, to be tough, and to take on numerous responsibilities
• Men and women have different characteristics that should complement each other rather than compete
• Teaching boys practical skills like changing tires and using tools prepares them for manhood
• Being a "man of your word" and facing consequences for your choices are foundational values
• As boys get older, they need both nurturing and boundaries to develop into good men
• Communication is essential - talk to children in the car, at home, and create space for open conversation
• A mother can teach masculine values but also needs to acknowledge when male role models are missing
• Children need responsibilities without being forced to become "the man of the house" too early
• Setting boundaries, following through with consequences, and avoiding overindulgence helps boys develop character
• When disciplining children, "talk more to the king in them than to the fool" to bring out their best qualities

Remember, excellence isn't about perfection but about moving forward and never giving up. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Excellence Above Talent.

Transcript

Introduction to Excellence Above Talent

Speaker 1 0:00

You're listening to Excellence Above Talent, a podcast where we have the hard conversations about the lives of men and what leads us to achieve greatness and suffer defeat. Hear from other men's journeys as well, as we all learn and grow together to become inspirations to ourselves and those around us. And now your host, Aaron Thomas.

Speaker 2 0:37

What's up my beautiful people? Aaron Thomas, with Excellence Above Talent, I am here with Maria. That's what I have you on my phone.

Speaker 3 0:55

Esmeralda Ezzy. So y'all didn't know my name was. My first name was Maria. I didn't know. Now you know.

Speaker 2 1:00

Her first name is Maria. You've been on this podcast a few times, yes, uh. So let the new people who don't know who you are let them know who you are. Who are you?

Speaker 3 1:14

my name is Esmeralda, first name's Maria, but yeah, I go by. Esmeralda or Ezzy? Um, I have. I am a mother of two boys, hector and Harvey. I have HMS fitness. Um, I do nutrition also, nutrition coaching, uh, meal plans, a bunch of other hobbies, I guess.

Speaker 2 1:33

You have a, a rental property or you can rent party parties uh out of like a place to party. Yeah.

Speaker 3 1:42

So it's um. I'll rent out the gym on weekends.

Speaker 2 1:45

Okay.

Speaker 3 1:46

And so I'll make the space and rent it out Saturdays and Sundays and that's gone pretty well. Usually it's booked almost every weekend, so that helps.

Speaker 2 1:57

And so you have tables, chairs, you have all the setup.

Speaker 3 1:59

Yes, we have the setup tables chairs. We have tablecloths and the boys actually will take charge of those. So if you have a party for a hundred dollar fee, we'll put the tables chairs out and then cover them with the tablecloths awesome.

Speaker 2 2:14

So there's a lot that you're doing yeah, there's a lot. I think I stay busy for the most part and you also get your ass kicked at CrossFit 432 by people that work out. I'm not going to say me Only on the lifting part, but no, so we're doing a series on the state of manhood. We want to have people from all ages, from all walks of life, gender, gender just come in and just kind of have the conversation and you have two boys yes and they are at what age?

Speaker 3 2:59

Hector is 15, he'll be 16 in November. And then Harvey is 13 he'll be 14 in June got you.

Being a Man vs Being a Woman

Speaker 2 3:06

So, from your perspective, how you view the world, what? What do you think the state of manhood, or where do you think the state of manhood is?

Speaker 3 3:18

oh, that's a, honestly, I I don't know as far as the state of manhood where it stands, I think what, what I think? Um, one, I think as far as, like, being a man has to be hard, cause I know a lot of the times, like being a woman, I'm like, oh, being a girl is probably hard, or being a woman's hard, but I feel like being a man is harder. And I say that because, um, I feel like being a man is harder. And I say that because I feel like, as a man, you have a lot of responsibility, as a good man, right, you have a lot of responsibility. I feel like a lot of the time you have to be the provider, you have to be tough, you have to be this, you have to be a lot of things. And at what point do you, I guess, not have a piece like where you can just like sit back and be like okay, relax, um, and I don't feel like men have that a lot, or don't give themselves that space to relax, to kind of just sit back.

Speaker 3 4:22

Um, I see that as a running joke too, like there's men that can't change tires Car tires, for sure. And I always tell my kids I'm like you need to learn how to change a car tire. You need to learn how to do these things. One you need them in life, right. Two I don't want you to be on a date. What are you going to do?

Speaker 2 4:47

Have your girlfriend get off and change the tire for you? I doubt that she would also know how to change it. Yeah, no one knows would know. I mean, I'm saying kiddos that are coming up now, I think they'll have a hard time yeah, and see, I think that's the bad part now.

Speaker 3 5:03

Like, like, what I concentrate to is like having trying to raise Hector and Harvey to where they're self-sufficient, where they're not going to run into a problem, where they can't even change their tire, gotcha, or perfect example too. I was mounting Hector's TV a while back and I'm like, hey, pass me this tool. He didn't even know which one it was. You know, like simple things like that, Um, that I feel like, uh, nowadays a lot of men don't know yeah, Um, and that's how they should and they should and now I'm not saying like they should or men should do this, because nobody has to do anything for sure, but I also feel like um, I guess, put it this way like men and women.

Speaker 3 5:49

You could try to be equal, but I don't think it would. It wouldn't be equal because I feel like men have certain characteristics that women don't and women have certain characteristics that men don't. So I think as two. When you combine those two, you work as a team, right, but I don't think like I could never be equal to a man yeah as much as I want to, you know, do that.

Speaker 3 6:10

I couldn't and I don't agree with like, oh, I'm an independent woman, I don't need a man. Um, not too long ago, I was trying to build my rig at my gym, yeah, and that thing was hard, yeah for sure and so like.

Speaker 3 6:22

As much as I'm trying to drill something in, I don't have the same power that a man's going to have or the same strength, you know, to do it way faster than than I did you know, yes, so what if there's more of a masculine woman that they're talking to and they're the ones that's kind of doing most of the things? I wonder, though I feel like a masculine woman. I guess she's doing everything. What do you mean by masculine woman?

Speaker 2 7:13

so it's a person that is. You know how we talk about the roles that men and women have, and sometimes there are men that play women's roles, but they're more feminine, uh, to the touch, when it comes to cooking and cleaning and taking care of of the household and maybe a woman has taken on a masculine role of being a breadwinner and, you know, taking care of the family in that way or like a stay-at-home dad.

Speaker 2 7:46

That's not something that is a masculine role. Yeah, but there are dads that do it right, is that? Would that be a negative thing or a positive thing?

Speaker 1 8:00

in your eyes.

Speaker 2 8:01

Yeah, yeah, I mean it's just. It's just they're assuming the role that needs to be taken up for that space and time, if that makes sense.

Speaker 3 8:11

I feel like whatever works for everyone. I think so because, for example, like a masculine woman I've seen several things on this but like a masculine woman, even if she's like doing everything, taking on all the roles, and maybe she's doing that and being masculine because she doesn't have a choice right, so not because she doesn't not because she wants to, but because there is no other choice.

Speaker 3 8:34

And if the man's maybe there's a man that is actually in his masculine energy, he's not going to be more masculine than the woman is no, right, so then she's just.

Speaker 2 8:43

She's not gonna be more masculine than yes yeah, she's not going to be.

Masculine and Feminine Energy Balance

Speaker 3 8:46

Yeah. So then that man and all his masculine you know, in his energy, has to be more than the woman does gotcha and so then that way I think you could balance that out.

Speaker 3 8:58

Um, if the guy wants to be, I feel like if you want to stay at home and the woman's like, no, I'll take over there's some people that do like that the girl's like I'm taking over, you don't tell me what to do, you know all that and she wants to do that and the guy's okay with playing that role. A lot of the times, men don't want to do that.

Speaker 2 9:15

Got you.

Speaker 3 9:16

So I think it's what works for everybody. I know I've told my kids it's really like what you want to do? Um, I know harvey plays around and he's like well, you know he wants a big family, he wants all these kids, but he wants his wife to like take care of the kids because he doesn't want to do x, y and z like he wants to have kids but he doesn't want to like go change diapers, do all the little stuff, and I'm like, oh, so what do you?

Speaker 3 9:40

what do you? What is it that you're planning on doing? And then he's like, well, well, I mean, I'm okay with working, you know, being the provider, and she could be at home and like, be with the kids and all that stuff and taking care of the house. I'm like, okay, I was like, but do you realize that you have to make enough money to support that household, especially to support a lot of kids, right?

Speaker 3 9:58

A lot of kids, so then I'm letting them know. If that's what you want, then you need to find a way to have a good job or find what you're going to do in life and make enough money to be able to provide yourself that, whatever it is that you want to do.

Speaker 2 10:12

So I think it's what works for everybody know for your boys to to learn about.

Speaker 3 10:24

you know what it is to be a man and um the the importance of, uh, I guess, being open and vulnerable and having, like those tough conversations um, I, I actually barely had to sit down with them not too long ago and I did tell them, like I know sometimes I am hard, sometimes I'm soft and I could be a pushover, but, um, I know, sometimes I have. I have to have these talks and let them know. Like, look, I know y'all are two young men, yeah, and life isn't fair. As good you can paint butterflies and rainbows or whatever, but life isn't fair, um, and the responsibility is gonna fall on you at the end of the day because you are a man. Yeah, yeah, right.

Speaker 3 11:03

And then I can name all these scenarios that can happen and you just have to. Um, I was like, I just want you to be prepared and be strong headed and, um, be responsible. Be a man of your word is a big one in my household. Like, if you say you're going to do something, do it. Um, if you make a mistake and you know the consequences and you still decide to make the mistake, better face the consequences because it's just like you. Better man up and face the consequences because you chose to make that mistake.

Speaker 2 11:32

That's big, really take responsibility what I would, what I do now with young kids and men and they try to act like it was a mistake I hate the word mistake because you can't mistakenly do something and men and they try to act like it was a mistake Right. I hate the word mistake because you can't mistakenly do something that you chose to do, right. So I usually tell them to take the mistake out of it and say it's a choice. Like a mistake is, you know, with falling, when you have two cups of ice and you tripped and you fell in the ice. You know, fell over. That's a mistake, a choice is walking up to somebody in your head saying I want to punch him in the back of the head.

Speaker 1 12:13

Yeah.

Speaker 2 12:13

Punch him in the back of the head. You didn't mistakenly do that. You definitely have a choice, yeah, and that choice then turned into a consequence of either you're getting your butt beat or you're getting a referral because a teacher started something like that.

Speaker 3 12:26

And you know I've had those talks with Harvey too, because, since he does do boxing, I'm like you do know, if you get in trouble at school or you're fighting at school, you're either going to get kicked off the team or it's going to look bad on you, because you're the one that knows what you're doing.

Speaker 2 12:40

For sure.

Speaker 3 12:40

So, yeah, I have those talks with them too.

Speaker 2 12:43

So do you think, because you are a single mom right now I'm assuming I am, I still am, maybe you had somebody in life and no one knows you wanted to put it on this podcast here? Do you think it is possible to raise good men with just you being their sole educator when it comes to manhood, or do they have other men that take on a role to have like awful, those tough conversations with them as well?

Speaker 3 13:29

um, I think it's possible, but it's just hard gotcha, because I know if I sit, have a sit down with my boys, maybe they're not as open with me, especially now that they're getting older. Yeah, um, about certain things because I'm a girl or because I'm mom, but we can like, hey, how was your day at school? They can tell me, I know who their friends are, we can have, I talk to them a lot, like I have sit downs with them a lot, but I try to stay. It is hard, I try to stay on top of it. As far as like them having like a role model, like a man to look up to.

Speaker 3 14:07

They don't right now, they don't and it that I think that eats at me, but then, at the same token, like that's kind of out of my control For sure, and I think I have to fight with that because they don't have anyone to say. I guess, like as far as guidance, as far as being a man, I can only do my role. As far as like letting them. I always tell them I think that I don't expect anything. This is what I tell my kids all the time, because they always threaten me about taking me to a nursing home and when they're mad. That's where I'm going to end up, and so. But I tell them, hector, I can't see it, harvey, I can definitely.

Speaker 2 14:52

So the theory is that Harvey's gonna do it. Yeah, it's gonna feel bad for me, so he's gonna take me out, but then when he has to put up with me. He's gonna put me back in.

Speaker 3 14:59

I can see that so then, um, but what I tell them is like I don't expect anything from you. You know when you leave. I don't expect you to help me with bills or anything else Like once you're an adult you're free and you're out of my control. You're your own individual. You make your own choices, own mistakes, whatever you know you, you.

Speaker 3 15:19

Yeah, but I always tell them. I think the biggest satisfaction that I would have when they are adults and they're on their own is them being good men. I always tell them, and Pastor Martha just recently told me this and I was like that's good. She said talk more to the king in them than you do to the fool, because the more you talk to the king in them, the king's going to come out. The more you talk to the fool in them, the fool's come out. The more you talk to the fool in them, the fool's gonna come out. So you don't sit there and tell them, hey, uh, you did this wrong. You're such a dummy, you're this, you're that. Instead of like, hey, you know, what did you do? How can you make this better? You know, um, and I got a lot from that or I'm trying to talk to more of their king side got you.

Speaker 2 16:04

That's, and I think that's super important, because a lot of young boys and men have never been spoken to in that way.

Speaker 3 16:12

Yeah.

Raising Young Men Without a Father

Speaker 2 16:13

It's always been you know what you're not doing? Very negative, not a lot of uplifting conversations, yeah, and saying like, hey, I see that you are putting forth the effort and I appreciate that. Right, these are some of the things that you know could make your life a little bit easier if you do. You know such and such versus doing this. So that's a very good, I guess, description of what Pastor Martha said to you to talk to your boys about, to you to talk to your boys about um, are you doing anything in their life to make it a little hard?

Speaker 3 16:50

What do you?

Speaker 2 16:51

mean. So it sounds weird, but uh, what I've seen in to not hand everything to them. Yeah, so what, what I've, what I've seen in in you know the year and a half I've been teaching is a lot of these young boys get every yeah, they. And you know the year and a half I've been teaching is a lot of these young boys get everything Titled yeah, they get everything that they want.

Speaker 1 17:07

Yeah.

Speaker 2 17:08

And they don't have to work for anything or just saying no, you're not getting it this time Right, so are you finding ways to?

Speaker 3 17:17

I'm better at it Okay, because I was like, oh my God, everybody has this, you need it it too, because you're gonna feel like you're left out gotcha who cares? I'm like no, because you're gonna. It goes with clothes, it goes with shoes, it goes with everything. This is what you have. This is you know they get. They do get an allowance, so then they spend their allowance on what they want, to what they're buying so then they know, like, how much money it's gonna take how much money to spend, how much money to save.

Speaker 3 17:45

So then they know, like how much money it's going to take, how much money to spend, how much money to save, and then they'll I'm trying, I do talk to them a lot about um money gotcha. So, like, how much are you going to spend here? For? One good example would be for, like, at the gym yeah, um, I have them. Do the tablecloths and the chairs. Hector's really good about that because harvey's always busy. So I'm like heyector, do you want to make a hundred dollars real quick? Um, go set up the tables, the chairs, um, and cover them. That's all you got to do.

Speaker 3 18:11

And you have to put them up, obviously, and so yeah, so then he was like okay he goes even like uh, justin's hired him a couple of times to mow the lawn You've hired.

Speaker 3 18:20

Harvey a couple of times to mow the lawn. So they'll know like, yeah, I want to make extra money. And so then, harvey, what he's done too they both do this They'll like get rid of their old clothes. And so they're like, hey, I'm going to get rid of this clothes because I want to buy this sweatshirt or this expensive whatever. So, yeah, I do give them those kind of challenges. I have an agreement with them.

Speaker 3 18:42

'm like hey, y'all need to have good grades in school. Y'all need like I show up for you. So then you show up for me. And then how are you showing up for me? By like, having good grades in school, stop getting in trouble in school. If you get in trouble, you're not going out this weekend, because now they're at that age where they want to go out on weekends, go to the movies, go places. Then they won't go there. Or like they have screen time on their phone, or I take up their phone, just certain things that I'm trying to, not just hand stuff to them. Um, I try to model as much as I can. Like I tell them I'm responsible, I have a job, I go to work. Not everybody likes going to work. I have to get up at five in the morning. I have you know certain things, so now, get up at five in the morning. You know certain things. So now you, you, do your part.

Speaker 2 19:32

All you have to do is go to school and stay. You know whether it be pick up a hobby like boxing or hector's doing, uh, pole vaulting and power lifting, is she?

Speaker 3 19:35

is he doing summer track? Um, we're still debating on it because it runs into boxing practice and then hector's probably doing pole vaulting and power lifting during the summer, gotcha. So I keep them. They stay busy for the most part because I've told them like, if you're not, you have to do something. If you're not doing anything, do your job.

Speaker 2 19:52

There's potentially someone you know as a man in their life kind of pouring into them. Yeah, potentially with the coaching. The coaching yeah, and they're just going boxing and they're doing track. There are men. Yeah, there's other men.

Speaker 3 20:09

Yeah, like Harvey has his boxing team, so he leans with the coach a lot and so he and then obviously his teammates.

Speaker 2 20:17

Gotcha.

Speaker 3 20:17

Same thing with Hector has his powerlifting or pole vaulting teammates and then that coach, that certain coach calls him in for like summer pole vaulting and stuff. So they have men around Gotcha, but they don't have like a man at home telling them and having those talks with them. Yeah, around, but they don't have like a man at, like a man at home telling them and having those talks with them.

Speaker 3 20:34

Yeah, that's my role, gotcha, and so I try to have talks with them as far as like what I think would be good in a man like being honest, taking responsibility.

Speaker 2 20:41

Um so, before you start now, the next question I'm going to ask what is your definition of a good man, that that you want your sons to be?

Speaker 3 20:51

A good man, like being honest, taking responsibility. One of the big ones, man, I made such a big deal because they made a bet. Hector and Harvey like to bet each other right. So then they make a bet and Harvey wins this bet and tries to pay Hector in quarters and I'm like what kind of like wussy crap is that? I was like a good man's not going to try Like you did this and I'm going to pay you in quarters.

Speaker 2 21:17

No, technically that's not the bet. The bet was what If you?

Speaker 3 21:23

had bet $20, you wouldn't be mad if I gave you $20 in quarters, if I got my money.

Speaker 2 21:34

If I got my money, if I got my money, I'm not saying anything. We, we never said how you have fun with that, no, and so the hanker tried doing that to harvey and, oh my god, it became. It became a thing in our house and I said this will never happen again.

Speaker 3 21:46

I was like if you have one time, uh, I was like if you're betting each other, you gotta man up and pay up. I was like if you're betting each other, you got to man up and pay up. I was like if you lose a bet and Harvest Rule like always wanting to bet everybody he'll bet. We've been at boxing fights. He's like just random kid, I'll bet you $10. This one wins or whatever. And I'm like, okay, he loses. I'm like you lost, you better pay up. I will make him pay up. Pay up like I, I will make them pay up hector's more. It was funny because one of the crossfit opens.

Speaker 3 22:14

They bet each other and hector's real timid, he's real shy and I'm trying to break him out of that shell because I'm like son, you know, I know you're soft, or you could be soft, and you have a good heart, you're sweet and everything, but you have to um be tougher, because life is just tough. Like I, I don't want life to kick you in the butt and you know, um he, I want you, he has to surround himself with people that will uh, will take on that mantle, you know.

Speaker 2 22:42

So we, we all have friends in our lives, um, but there are friends that aren't as like, outgoing or outspoken as I am. Yeah, but if I see something that's happening to them. You best believe I'm going to say something you know to try to have that conversation. Yeah, for you know, the friend that is, you know not, that's maybe not open enough or introverted, so they're not going to, they're not going to have that conversation.

Speaker 1 23:10

Yeah.

Speaker 2 23:11

So it's important. I don't think it's a a lack of being soft. Uh, it's just like I don't have the energy to fight for it and you want to have people in your corner that's willing to to fight for it for you yeah, okay maybe this does matter and then you, then you can kind of find your voice and have that conversation. I think it's super important. So I don't think there's, because I've seen him he does. If people that are that he knows that he's friends with, he's definitely talking to me.

Speaker 2 23:44

Yeah, he's definitely like you know laughing and joking and having a good time. You know laughing and joking and having a good time, so I think it's just more of a if he's around people that he's comfortable with, they'll get to see, like you know, the open version of him. But if he don't know you, he's not going to.

Speaker 3 24:06

Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 2 24:07

He'll just sit there and talk to you. They did the last. So they bet on the last workout in the open open and I think it was the rower and I don't remember.

Speaker 3 24:21

It was the rower wall walks and some a snatch, or uh, snatches, yeah, yeah, and then so, then, um, they're harvey's like out wanting to bet him. I think they bet like 10. No, that he wanted to bet 20. And I go hector, don't be dumb. I was like you got him because he doesn't even lift. He hasn't been here in a while. I was like, and then the rower, he's bigger than Harvey. I'm like dude, you got this, come on. I was like take his money. So then Hector goes, fine, we'll go $10.

Speaker 3 24:51

I was like don't, we don't want no quarters, no, like cash up each other or whatever. Yeah, and sure enough hector got him and I was like he was, he was excited. I was like I told you, you know, but um, just stuff like that. I think um is very important and again, I try to like be a role model. Obviously I'm not a man, so but good enough to where it's like mom could do it. Mom did this, yeah I can do it.

Speaker 2 25:11

Yeah, mom's working her butt off. She's trying to, you know, provide and take care and do all that she can so mom can change a tire, why can't I? Yeah, 100, so what? What else, uh, we were talking about. The definition of a good man was that, was that all? I think, you said honesty, accountability, responsibility.

Speaker 3 25:30

Like I've seen a lot to where I don't know how to explain it. There's even, I feel like sometimes I play more of a man role than certain men that I see. Like it could be out anywhere and I'm like man, does he not have shame? You know, like certain things, like like, for example, that like betting and owing someone money, like I think that's the most like.

Speaker 3 25:49

how do you even see that person and owing someone money, like? I think that's the most like. How do you even see that person and you owe them money or whatever?

Speaker 2 25:54

For sure.

Speaker 3 25:55

And it's not just financial, and being a man is like not making a bunch of money either, but I think to be a good man, it has to be hard, yeah, I think, and which is why I think that there's less of it. I don't think they can play the role of, like, the provider, yeah, and the leader, and I think that even just to leave, like, oh shit, all that responsibility is on you, right? Yeah, let's say your family, you're leading your family. That's a big responsibility, it is Right Then?

Speaker 2 26:29

within yourself, if you're allowed to leave lead.

Teaching Boys Responsibility and Respect

Speaker 3 26:31

it is a big responsibility so why wouldn't you be allowed to lead?

Speaker 2 26:34

well, because sometimes they're well, because a question I was going to ask you is if a man came into your life, would you give up the power that you have now? Because, at the end of the day it is, it is a power, um, that you are forced to be in because you, you know you're single and you have to survive and you're making sure your kids are taken care of and they're doing well, not surviving. You have to thrive I hate the word survive and so you're thriving, you're figuring things out, you're helping your kids out along the way.

Speaker 1 27:11

Yeah.

Speaker 2 27:12

If someone came into your life, could you, or would you take a step back and allow that person to lead, because you've been leading for so long?

Speaker 3 27:23

I think I would be okay with me following. I just don't know if I would be okay with him parenting my kids.

Speaker 3 27:32

It would be okay with him parenting my kids. It would be hard because so harvey was five, hector was seven when their dad passed. So I've been holding it down, like raising them on my own, having like everything to. I'm like I have everything in line. You know, somewhat I'm trying to, and then I think it be really, really hard for me to have somebody come in and like tell me what to do with them. I wouldn't mind like suggestions or having the man and like I don't know.

Speaker 2 28:03

So is that leading, then, or is that more of a? You get to pick and choose when, and I think sometimes that becomes an issue too. When a woman gets to pick and choose when she wants to be a leader and then, when she wants to, you know, follow, and it's not like a, if you're going to allow me to lead.

Speaker 3 28:26

Let me change my answer. Well, don't change it. No, no, no, I guess not changing it, but like I, I think I could, but it would have to be like a very masculine man.

Speaker 2 28:36

so I think you know I think there's more to it than what you're saying. Yeah, I think there should probably and I don't know if you ever had, uh, um, had a conversation with someone about about that, like as far as a counselor or something like that when it comes to like relinquishing that power of allowing someone to to like lead you and your because someone I have to trust that person, yeah someone's not going to come into the relationship and then say, and you say, yeah, you're leading me, but I'm leading my kids, yeah, then that becomes a different hierarchy.

Speaker 2 29:19

You know what I mean? The kids don't respect the dude. You know you're. So I wouldn't allow that, though You're trying to put yourself in the middle. No, I get it.

Speaker 3 29:28

And so I had a conversation with a friend a while back and what he said he goes, because I know, um, I think his sister had kids and so her biggest struggle with her husband now was allowing him to step in and be like I'm, you know, I'm dad, or whatever. He raised her since the little girl was small, right. And so then she gets older and she wants to say, well, you're not my dad and that's not right. Yeah, well, I don't, you know, to each their own, but I mean if, if she allows him to raise her like that's your daughter, right. So then he goes. So you have to think that if you do allow somebody in, you have to kind of like give them that power to be over your kids. And so I'm like man, that's true, like I agree, and I think that would be the hardest thing for me.

Speaker 2 30:19

Yeah, but that's. I guess that's one thing that would make it, you know, difficult for the guy, Because if you don't, if the guy doesn't have his well, I mean, it's not.

Speaker 2 30:31

It's not that if he doesn't have his ducks in a row, you don't. You know you have. They're at the age where they're pressurable. You can kind of help form how they're thinking and moving right now, because they're looking up to someone moving uh right now because they're they're looking up uh to someone. So you just want to make sure I think you're making sure that who they're looking up to is someone that's worth looking up to yes, yeah, and there's nothing you nothing wrong with that?

Speaker 2 31:03

yeah, there is nothing wrong with that which you know.

Speaker 3 31:06

What, though, like couldn't you tell? Like, let's say, like a good man from like a not so good man, or like a man that's like always getting in trouble, or like um.

Speaker 2 31:17

Can you tell?

Speaker 3 31:18

Yeah, like can't you tell just somebody's person, like somebody's person you know, like for example, me, like if I dated anyone, I don't think kids would be a deal breaker, because what I'm 37 now Like I feel, like at this age it's more. I'm sorry, yeah, I'm sorry, I wouldn't mind, um, like being a step mom, right.

Speaker 2 31:39

Gotcha.

Speaker 3 31:39

The but what I would pay attention to is like is he a good dad? Does he take care of his kids? Does he have child support? He hasn't paid for? I never Does he. You know, I would look at, that's what I would look at.

Speaker 2 31:53

I never understood why and that's probably another conversation for another podcast but like why women would get into a relationship with a man who isn't taking care of his kids.

Speaker 3 32:04

I wouldn't, and they, they, they saw.

Speaker 2 32:06

Oh, he's trying to blah, blah, blah, but he don't send them payments, or you know, he doesn't do anything, trying to blah blah blah, but he don't send him payments, or you know, he doesn't do anything. And then make the assumption that that when she gets pregnant that he's gonna take care of her kid and that always dude.

Speaker 3 32:18

If he doesn't take care of his own kids, what how's he gonna take care of you? That always blew my mind that always.

Speaker 2 32:24

I never, I never really understood that at all whatsoever, uh, but you see it, you see it a lot. You see it a lot.

Speaker 3 32:33

There's this girl. My friend was barely telling me at the gym she has three kids. One of them she just gave up the rights to because he kept, which is super sad. That's one thing that I don't think I could do as a parent.

Communication: The Key to Parenting

Speaker 3 32:49

But her kid kept getting in trouble, was doing drugs, was like just bad kid yeah but at what point, as a parent, do you not give up on your kid, like whether it be fucking, send him to military school, I don't know, send him somewhere to like straighten him up? You can't just like give up your rights and be like, hey, you're on your own yeah.

Speaker 2 33:06

So one one thing I don't believe there's bad kids. Well, I, I believe. I believe there are kids that don't know how to communicate and the only way they communicate is doing dumb ass shit.

Speaker 3 33:19

Yeah. So I guess kids doing dumb shit yeah.

Speaker 2 33:22

They're looking for attention Kids doing dumb shit yeah, and I'm like you know, but the attention that they're looking for. They don't care if it's good or bad, they just need that attention.

Speaker 3 33:32

And you know what I've told my kids Because they're like well, what do you know? And I'm like one, I've been a kid and then two. Scientifically, you're still immature, because you're still a teenager, like your brain is literally not fully developed yet. So that's why they say men are supposed to mature later, because scientifically your brain is not fully developed.

Speaker 2 33:53

Do you know the age?

Speaker 3 33:55

No. I do, I was going to say 21, but it's 30 something. What is it? One more guess Dude 40.

Speaker 2 34:02

43. Shut up the average age of a man to mature is 43.

Speaker 3 34:06

To mature, for their brain to fully develop?

Speaker 2 34:09

No, no, just for them to mature as an adult. It's half the fucking life. It's 43. And the average age for a woman to mature is 32. See, so y'all have an 11-year gap on maturity on us, but it's the average age.

Speaker 3 34:26

So I had read this and I had a counselor recommend this and she was like you have to be patient with your kids because they do dumb shit they do, and the reason why they do dumb shit is because it's not that they're dumb, it's they're not fully like. There are certain areas in their brain that are not fully developed.

Speaker 2 34:44

Yeah.

Speaker 2 34:45

And so they do dumb shit without thinking about stuff, and their hormones are all over the place, so well, boys do dumb shit because we want to test and see how far we can get away, what we're getting away with so that's why kids do yeah, we definitely, we definitely know what we're doing um, but we just want to test and see, uh like like how far we can get away, uh away with saying certain things or acting a certain way or doing certain things that know it's going to piss you off, but depending on the day that you have them around you, will it make you upset or will it not bother you, because a lot of us, sometimes we get excitement or joy out of fucking up your day.

Speaker 3 35:35

Which is Harvey, which is so sad. It's like I just want to see if I can do it and then like, here you go.

Speaker 2 35:41

I'm like yeah, I'm screaming and yelling and like frustrated and he's like ah, my bad, that's what I was telling you.

Speaker 3 35:47

I made a mistake. I was, you didn't make a mistake, yeah.

Speaker 3 35:50

Yeah, I know that was the itzy. Hector's more calm, hector's more like hey, can I do this? Like he'll ask for permission. I say no, but why? But this? And then they keep asking I'm like you know what? No, I was like just take the. No, I was like the, you know it, you're going to be grounded. So just no. And I have to do it with both of them, yeah, when they're asking to do stuff. And then if they're in trouble, like no, you got in trouble at school, which is Harvey, hector doesn't get in trouble.

Speaker 1 36:21

Yeah.

Speaker 3 36:22

And so I'm like no's a no, and I feel like they're pushing that like to see.

Speaker 2 36:26

The boundaries.

Speaker 3 36:27

Maybe if I ask her this time she'll say yes, Maybe she's in a good mood, you know? Yeah, I can see that.

Speaker 2 36:34

Yeah, that's something that we enjoy to do Not all of us, but a lot of young boys and men and I guess that's where the maturity comes in. We're just too immature to like, I guess, change it or fix it. It's like I'm going to just see how far I can go.

Speaker 3 36:52

Dude, maybe it's a guy thing, Cause I'm like you know, cause. It frustrates me and I'm like can you stop? I'm like already, you know, said no, or like why are you still doing this If I told you not to? Or you know, and it's kind of like they're poking at it. Yes.

Speaker 2 37:09

The kids do it at school to me a lot and I'm like 75, 25. 75, I'm just like I don't give a shit Because it's a button, and it's a button that is in my possession. So if I'm letting you push my button it's because I'm choosing to let you push the button.

Speaker 3 37:30

I didn't give it time.

Speaker 2 37:31

But sometimes you just I know Sometimes you wake up and it's like one of you motherfuckers push it because it's going down. I don't care who it is. If you act like you want to push it, it's going to go down. But sometimes you know, it's the power that you give your kids or the power that you give your students, and a lot of times it's they're doing it because they just want to see the shift in in your attitude and your frustration. It has nothing to do with you or anything. It's just like I just want to see if I can make their day bad because my day is being pretty crappy.

Speaker 3 38:10

I know there's been times where they've shoved my buttons and now they make me lose my shit so many times.

Speaker 2 38:18

Put on some gloves.

Speaker 3 38:19

We'll get your ass right now I will sit them both down and talk to them forever. Aaron, I know we've sat in our table and I'm like two hours, two hours, two hours will go by and they're like.

Speaker 1 38:32

mom, you already said that, no she already said that, but I've told you this before and it doesn't go through your head

Speaker 3 38:37

now does it, so I will repeat myself over and over and they hate it and I'm like okay, so you hate me doing this to you, I hate you doing that too, and you still keep doing it. So now we're in the same. You know, the same boat in the same boat. So then, but I've known like, even if one thing sticks out of that conversation that we've had for those two hours, and how bad they hate, it matters, it matters and I'm like okay.

Speaker 1 38:59

I'm winning, you know like just one thing.

Speaker 3 39:02

Um, what the heck did you? Okay? So the other day I picked up Starbucks this morning this is a story, but a couple months before I had, uh, ordered, called in my starbucks order and I was like hey, harvey, do you want to get off because it's faster I'm driving, just get off and get it. He freaking said no, I'm like man, I was mad. I could not get him off the car to do it at all. I grounded him, everything that mofo did not get off the car yeah, I was like all right payback sucker, we'll get it.

Speaker 3 39:32

So I made this big deal, probably had my two-hour lecture, did all that this morning. Drive up to Starbucks again and he offers. He's like do you want me to get off and get the coffee?

Speaker 2 39:43

I was like, oh, like remember that one time Did you buy him anything.

Speaker 3 39:50

I did, but I also bought him last time, oh, okay, and he didn't get off.

Speaker 2 39:54

I definitely would have bought him.

Speaker 3 39:55

Yeah, I know, but I had already ordered it, so all I had to do was pick it up.

Speaker 2 39:59

And then he would have put it in his mouth yeah, he didn't get it and I would have smacked it out of his hand and said remember, the last time You'll get over I'll drive off. That's petty. That's your petty. I'm super petty. Though I will never forget, yeah. I know you did that to me. I'll get you back.

Speaker 3 40:17

Shit. No, I'm caught so little changes that he's done like just you know he offered or whatever that's what's up? Or I'm like, hey, y'all need to help me with trash or sweep or mop, do something, do something, right. So then, for my birthday that just passed, in april, um, they pitched in and got me a dishwasher so I won't be complaining about washing dishes, right.

Speaker 3 40:38

And so then I go oh, I see how y'all pitched in and bought me a dishwasher instead of washing the dishes, and they're like no mom, we just don't want to see you washing dishes anymore.

Speaker 2 40:47

Okay, it's a smart, that's a smart purchase, though really is do y you all use your dishwasher. No, we don't have one. Oh man, yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's one thing that we're probably going to get. We don't have the space for it, but they have portable ones that you can buy.

Speaker 3 41:02

So I don't have space for it either and I'm having to make space. It's still not installed yet. I'm hoping to get it installed this week. Yeah, but I'm having to get rid of some cabinets to put the dishwasher in there.

Speaker 2 41:11

We don't have no damn cabinet space In the bottom. We barely don't have any. So Y'all's kitchen is Not that big Decent. No, it's not big enough.

Speaker 1 41:21

You gotta take out your kitchen. Yeah, no, it's not big enough.

Speaker 2 41:24

We don't have the counter space. There's a lot of stuff. That's why we have to. We're working on some things, yeah, but yeah, no that there's one you can put like on your, on your counter space, I think.

Speaker 1 41:39

I've seen those.

Speaker 3 41:40

Yeah, I thought about those are more expensive. Yeah, it's a little, it's a little more expensive. I'll make the space, which is kind of annoying. Yeah, because the bigger ones.

Speaker 1 41:48

You can put more in there.

Speaker 2 41:50

The smaller ones are more expensive it's not a whole lot you can put in there, neither you gotta have like a hose connected. So there was a lot, but that's pretty cool today little things, here and there will stick as far as doing things and I've told them.

Speaker 3 42:08

I don't want to burden them, for them to see like, oh, mom's alone and by herself, like we need to help out or we need to help her do this. I don't want them to try to play like the dad of the house.

Speaker 2 42:18

Yeah, yeah, for sure, because that would be teenagers, but teenagers with responsibilities.

Speaker 1 42:23

Yeah.

Speaker 3 42:24

And as you get older, you need to learn how to do more things, because you are a man and the world expects a lot from you, from you, yeah, so I think that that's what you said.

Speaker 2 42:34

was it kind of hit the nail on the coffin? You don't want them to be the man of the house, you want them to be kids. I think a lot of single parents or moms try to make their kid the man of the house.

Speaker 1 42:49

Yeah, and it takes away. I'm the man of the house, yeah, it takes away.

Giving Kids Responsibilities, Not Everything

Speaker 2 42:52

I'm the man of the house it takes away from. Okay, god damn, I'm not a, you're still a woman, you're not a man, you're still a woman of the house with masculine energy. Oh my gosh, the way you said I'm the man of the house. But I think a lot of Pressure is put on young boys to be the man of the house and it takes away from their childhood of just being kids. And I think it's super important to not put that pressure on young boys to grow up so quickly, because it's detrimental to their growth. Yeah, because it's. Hey, mom does everything for me. To now, I got to go out there and protect mom and be a provider, like it's a switch versus just taking care of what a kid should take care of.

Speaker 3 43:43

Right, that just reminded me of they do their own laundry. Yeah, I just thought of that. And so that's not like the woman of the house is supposed to do that right. So the way I play it out out, it's like us three, we're a team, yeah, right, I don't say, like I'm the like, I make the choices, I'm, I'm running our household right, because they like to make fun of me and say, oh, mom thinks she's alpha, like you know what, yeah, I am out of this house.

Speaker 3 44:08

I'm like of this household, I am and then they're like whatever mom I'm like, well, I'm not the one that has screen time now do I Like.

Speaker 3 44:14

Nobody tells me when to not use my phone, and so they get a laugh at it. I'm like when you're older, you're the alpha of your house, but for now it's me, and so, but what I try to tell them it's like it's us three, we're a team. If you can do your laundry, to take some load off, like if I'm at work or I just don't have time like I'll help you fold it or you fold it, but they do their own laundry. Or they're like hey, mom, can you do my laundry for me, cause I don't know it's late, whatever, I'm like yeah sure, leave it out, I'll do it when I come back from from my 5am, and then I'll throw it in Two, like if they're fighting with each other. I'm like we're a team, it's us three, that's all we got. We can't be fighting with each other, because I feel like when you're fighting with each other, we're weaker.

Speaker 1 44:59

For sure, you know yeah.

Speaker 3 45:01

And we're supposed to be strong for each other. I'm like and I've always told them this I'm like I'm your mom. I could be super mad. Love you like.

Speaker 1 45:13

I'm still going to be there for you.

Speaker 3 45:14

I'm still like I'm going to be there for you. There's no person in this world that's going to want the best for you more than I will like. I will want no matter what and same thing. I was like y'all are brothers, y'all need to like, and I get it when they're that young, they're fighting with each other and they're god, and so I'm like y'all have to be nice to each other, or protect each other too, because yes, protect each other, because as you get older, you're gonna need that.

Speaker 3 45:40

Like, how cool would it be to say, hey, brother, let's go into business together, let's do this together, let's do that together. That would be great. You know, I have talks with them as like hey, what do you want to do when you get older? Maybe you don't know right now, or like, what about this and this? Or they'll ask me, like, well, if I flip a home, like is that a good investment? Or like they want to talk about investments. They want to talk, you know? Um, I'm like, if you don't, like everybody chooses their heart. Yeah, told them this too, for sure. So you can either work and make a good living and want things that you want, but obviously that's going to take work Right and go this the same route, same thing. I'm like don't have kids at a young age. I was like one. I won't babysit them, I'm going to be out and about.

Speaker 2 46:27

I'm going to be looking for your daddy.

Speaker 3 46:30

And so. But I'm like I'm not saying don't have kids, just don't have them at a young age. Do everything that you want to do, like, look, you're still a teenager, I know there's a lot of things, you have a lot ahead of you. You have so much room to grow.

Speaker 2 46:43

You can still have kids later on you know, but and because when you do have them, you need to be a good dad and your life no longer is just about you.

Speaker 3 46:56

It a good dad, and your life no longer is just about you. It's gonna be a lot. It changes you right. And so, yeah, I've had, I've had those talks with them, but still keep them, like I said, as teenagers enjoying themselves but also have responsibilities, like doing their laundry, like cleaning their room, their freaking restroom sometimes I have to go in there and clean it because they're boys, yeah. So Boys cleaning, yeah, moms cleaning, yeah.

Speaker 2 47:17

Do they?

Speaker 3 47:18

know how to cook Eggs. They'll do their eggs they do. That's all. I mean Eggs. You know what? I'll let them do eggs.

Speaker 2 47:25

Noodles and I'll let them do.

Speaker 3 47:26

They do noodles, okay, they do noodles. Oh, hector bakes, dude, he bakes better than me, for sure. Yeah, he can make some good chocolate cake, some good cookies. Last time I tried making cookies, they look like muffins, I don't know what I did. But so Hector can bake and then, um, and then they like.

Speaker 3 47:46

Sometimes I'll set them aside like a steak not steak, but like the, the ones that's already cut up and so all they have to do is throw it on the pan, and I let them do that, because if it's like undercooked it's okay, but if it's chicken, it's like you know, so they won't cook chicken but they'll cook meat and eggs and bake.

Speaker 2 48:05

Gotcha, that's good.

Speaker 3 48:07

So yeah, they, they pick up on stuff, it's not? Like you can't have just taking care of their own?

Speaker 2 48:12

Yes, Like someone taking care of everything and they don't know how to take care of anything If a woman is ever in their life and they leave and she did the cooking, the cleaning, the shopping. They don't want to do any of that. That's stupid.

Speaker 3 48:23

No, I think they got their own, okay, and so I think I don't know if that stemmed a lot from me being afraid, since dad's not around, like their dad's gone, um, that if something ever happened to me, like could they survive without me and so I think a lot of the time I'm trying to give them these surviving skills so just in case, like anything can happen, right, and if I was gone, would you be able to survive.

Speaker 3 48:50

And I hate that at such a young age they had to think about that because even as like me as a kid, I never thought, thought about like death, right, yeah. And so them growing up, they knew like death is possible, this person can die at any time, like they knew that that was present, yeah, which it sucks that they had to grow up like that, but it's reality, yeah, right, it's part of life. And so always have a thing to like. I don't like doing the silent treatment. I hate the silent treatment. I hate when people do it to me too. So I don't ever do that to my kids and I always tell them, like if we're mad at each other, um, let's say, I leave the house to go to the grocery store and like I wreck yeah and then you never see me again.

Speaker 3 49:28

What's the last thing you said to me? You know, and so you didn't say to me, you don't get that off your chest. So I don't feel like uh, can we like? If we have something to say to each other, we're going to say here at home, we could we're mad at each other.

Speaker 2 49:41

This is why, or whatever, you know, we'll get over it the next day, um, but that's, that's a big Got you, so we're wrapping up, but is there anything you would want to tell young mothers, mothers with teenagers, mothers in general, anything you want to tell them about raising kids? Talk to them. Young boys Talk to them.

Speaker 3 50:08

Yeah, talk to them Again. I feel like you have to talk. Talk in the car, car turn off the radio. Talk on the way to school. Talk at home. I know like, for example, hector is not really a talker, but I notice like when it's just him and I, he talks forever and so I just listen.

Speaker 3 50:29

I wonder where he got that from yeah you're two hour talks oh golly, don't push my buttons okay, so communicate, just constant communication with your kids. I know a lot of. I feel like, even as an adult, your circle matters right even as an adult, their circle, circle matters right, Even as an adult. Their circle matters too, For sure.

Final Thoughts and Conclusion

Speaker 3 50:56

So if you see them hanging out with people they shouldn't be hanging out with, or I know they pick up certain habits, like if they're hanging out with this kid too much and I'm like I don't like that. And if you tell them that they don't know better, they're like what do you know? Like we're dumb or something.

Speaker 2 51:15

Adults don't know better.

Speaker 3 51:16

Never gone through that, yeah, you've never gone through it before, because I remember when my mom used to tell me that and I'm like, what does she know? You know, and um, but yeah, I think you have to establish a relationship with them to where they respect you enough to tell you things or they respect you enough to ask you for advice. I, I feel like like, and I and I'm a woman, so I, I hate that, I it's hard for me to find someone that I can call and ask for advice. You know, like it's very rare to have someone that I trust to like ask for that advice, um, like an older person, and so I want to be that person for my kids, like, where they can call and ask for advice. So communication is key, I think, for moms to their kids is. Is that give them responsibilities? Uh, whether even like as far as allowance, so you spent your money, you're broke?

Speaker 3 52:02

oh well then, I guess I can't help I can't help you there get some, uh, hot dogs yeah and so, um, yeah, I think, as moms like you don't hand everything to them, I know a lot of the times we want to give them everything. Yeah, and I think that's a curse. Yeah, for sure you give them everything, and then they don't know any better because they have everything. They don't know what it's like to not have stuff.

Speaker 2 52:25

Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 3 52:27

God. There's another one that I was going to say the communication don't have them everything. And if communication don't have them everything, and if they need to get grounded, ground their asses because I know I've had talks with them too. I'm like dude, I don't want to ground you. I was like but you're in trouble, like so I don't have a choice. You know, it's kind of like these are the rules at home. I made those rules because they're rules right, and if you break them there's consequences. Live up with the consequences and so follow through. And to do that, to actually like put your foot down and like follow through, that's hard as a mom.

Speaker 3 52:58

I think so because we want to like baby our kids, but I think that's where a lot of parents go wrong.

Speaker 2 53:03

Got you.

Speaker 3 53:04

By babying our kids. Too much Facts.

Speaker 2 53:07

Trust me, I know. Yeah, all right. So if anyone haven't told you today that they love you, let me be the first to say I love you. You are awesome. You are amazing. You deserve the best that this world has to offer. Do not quit, do not give up. The world does not get easier, but you will get stronger. Y'all have a blessed weekend. Bye-bye.

Speaker 1 53:30

Thank you for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode, and for daily motivational and up-to-date content. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Excellence Above Talent. And remember keep moving forward, never give up and you are never alone in this battle. We'll see you next time.