Healthy Communication For Men Who Were Never Taught How

We break down why men confuse control with communication and how to replace anger, avoidance, and shutdown with calm, clear dialogue. Practical tools show how to negotiate needs, reduce defensiveness, and build connection through listening, validation, and repair.

• redefining strength as calm, clear communication
• shifting from domination to connection language
• negotiation that respects both people’s needs
• how insecurity fuels defensiveness and blame
• practical listening skills that lower conflict
• validation as acknowledgment, not agreement
• daily habits that prevent silent resentment
• personal responsibility to relearn and improve

Practice one healthy communication habit: listening without interrupting, expressing feelings calmly, or asking instead of demanding
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Transcript

Setting The Stage For Change

SPEAKER_01 0:00

You're listening to Excellence Above Talent, a podcast where we have the hard conversations about the lives of men and what leads us to achieve greatness and suffer defeat. Hear from other men's journeys as well, as we all learn and grow together to become inspirations to ourselves and those around us. And now your host, Aaron Thomas.

Why Men Struggle To Communicate

From Domination To Connection

Negotiation Without Control

Defensiveness, Insecurity, And Growth

How To Truly Listen

Communication Is A Trainable Skill

Break The Pattern And Relearn

Daily Habits That Build Trust

SPEAKER_00 0:33

What's up, my beautiful people? Aaron Thomas with excellence above talent. My voice is going in and out. I had a game Saturday and I screamed and I screamed and I screamed. So my voice hasn't recovered. So if you hear weird pictures in my voice, just know your boy's trying. So we we have done seven episodes about why men become abusive, why men are abusive. And now we're stepping into the phase where we shift from the patterns of abuse to the relationship skills men were never taught, or they were never taught enough of to have a basic understanding to help them out in life. And episode eight is one that is super important to me because I feel like as a man, communication determines your weakness. If you know how to communicate and ask for things and talk to people, I would deem you a stronger man than someone who doesn't know how to communicate and only punches holes in walls and views people because that's the only way they feel like they can communicate. So healthy communication and negotiation without control or anger is the topic of this episode. Most men don't struggle in relationships because they don't care. They struggle because they've never been taught how to communicate without control, anger, or shutting down. Today we're talking about healthy communication, not yelling, not avoiding, not dominating, but learning how to express needs and resolve conflict like a grown man. One of the biggest reasons relationships turn toxic is simple. Most men were never taught how to communicate. We were taught how to win arguments. We were taught how to prove points. We were taught how to stay tough, not back down, avoid feelings. But nobody taught them or taught us how to listen, how to express our emotions, how to handle conflict without turning it into a battle. And that's still something that I'm working on today, because I can turn just about any conversation into a battle. So when problems come up, and problems always come up on the daily, men either explode, shut down, get defensive, become controlling, or avoid the issue completely. None of those build healthy relationships within the confines of your marriage, with your kids, but we can also sometimes shut down and avoid the issue with ourselves too, and that could also kill a healthy relationship that we're trying to build within ourselves. For a lot of men, communication feels like a threat. Because to communicate honestly means admitting hurt, acknowledging fear, expressing insecurity, and being vulnerable. And vulnerability was labeled as weakness growing up. So instead of saying I feel hurt by, men say you always do this. Instead of I'm overwhelmed, men say you don't respect me. Instead of I'm scared of losing you, men say you're trying to control me. Most arguments aren't about the surface issue. They're about unspoken emotions underneath. And there is a difference between communication and domination because unhealthy communication is about control. And in our previous episodes we talked about what that looks like. It looks like yelling to overpower, interrupting, blaming, name-calling, threats, shutting conversations down, demanding instead of asking. But healthy communication is about connection. It sounds like I feel I need. Can we talk about this calmly? I want to understand your perspective. Let's work through this together. One type of communication seeks to win while the other seeks to understand. Communicate to understand where that person is coming from is super important. And sometimes in marriage, with kids, your job with your community, just in life, you're going to have to learn how to negotiate. And negotiation doesn't mean giving up your needs, it means finding solutions that respect both people. Remember, it's not about winning, it's about understanding. And if I'm trying to understand you and you're trying to understand me, negotiations will be easy. So healthy negotiations include listening without interrupting, acknowledging the other person's feelings. Sometimes we there's a saying, and I and I say it and I'm working on not saying it. But instead of saying, This is what I should say, I'm sorry that my actions are making you feel this way. We try to put it back on the person and say, you're feeling this way because of yourself and not because of me. And that would kill someone's process of trying to be understood versus putting the accountability on you of I'm making you feel this way. Now what can I do to get back into a space where we're both trying to find ways to communicate that's going to benefit both of us? Another healthy way of negotiating is expressing your needs clearly, being open to compromise. It can't always be your way. And then staying calm. You can't yell, you can't scream, your tone can't change. People pick up on that. Healthy negotiation is how can we solve this together? It's not I'm right and you're wrong. Nothing will get done from that. But as men, we have a hard time not being defensive. And you might not want to hear it, but defensiveness comes from insecurity. Usually, if a man is defensive, he's insecure about something in his life. Because when he feels or hears like he's being criticized, his brain automat automatically goes to your failing, you're a failure, you're a loser, you're a bum, you're not enough. What kind of weak man are you? And so I go or we go immediately immediately into protection mode. I'll fight you to protect how I want to feel as a man. And that protection will look like anger, excuses, blame, or just simply shutting down. But if I am defensive as a man, I am blocking my growth. Because you cannot fix what you're always trying to defend. So it's super important to learn, to listen without reacting. Listening doesn't mean wait your turn to talk, it means actually trying to understand what that person is saying. Because a lot of times when you're listening, waiting to jump in, you get stuck on, I need to say this, that you don't hear nothing else that that person has said after you're trying to jump in. And that person could have addressed what you were trying to say, but you couldn't hear it because you had stopped listening and started to formulate the sentence of how you were going to interject. And there has been times in my life where I have gotten into an argument and someone's saying something, and I stop listening, because I'm going to say my two-piece, but I'm not talking. I'm acting like I'm listening. And then when they stop talking, I'll say what I need to say, and they'll look at me and say, Yeah, that's that's exactly what I meant. Or that's what I was trying to say. So it's super important to actually listen to understand. Healthy listening includes eye contact, no interrupting, no planning your response, acknowledging what is what was said. A lot of times when we're having like those tough conversations, we don't stop to summarize what you think you heard that person say before giving your two cents. Because then that gives that person the opportunity to correct what it is that they were trying to say or what you might not have heard, so that you can formulate something better than just jumping off the rim with what you assume you think they said. So instead of saying, that's not what I mean, say, I hear what I did hurt you. Because validation doesn't mean an agreement, it means understanding. Validation doesn't mean I don't want to have this conversation. It means I see you, I hear you, I want to understand you. And the crazy part is communication is a skill. It is a must-have in this world. You have to have it. It is not a personality trait. You don't have to be extroverted or introverted. You don't have to be a people person to know how to communicate with people. And a lot of men say when it comes to talking, that's just not who I am. That's not how I am. That's not how I was raised. But I would say that's not, that's how you learned about communication. But communication can be taught and retaught. It can be practiced, it can be improved. Men, you were not born bad at communicating. You were just never taught how to communicate. But you don't get to, because you wasn't taught to not teach yourself to be a better communicator. That's not how life works. That's how you stay weak as a man. Well, my dad did it, my granddad did it, my great-great-granddad did it. At some point, somebody's got to stop doing what they daddies did and start doing something different because there's a pattern of maybe abuse or divorce or kids not being heard or understood, or men not crying or communicating. I believe it was Will Smith that had this quote where he said, It's not your fault how you were raised, how you were treated, how your mom and dad are the way they loved you, how society loved you, the community. It's not your fault growing up in this process of learning life, but it's for it is for damn sure your responsibility to make sure that you don't stay there. You cannot blame everyone for your past and what happened to you, because life goes on and life keeps moving, and there's a revolving door of people that are coming into your life, and you can't hold on to what happened in the past as a crutch to say, This is why I am the way I am. Because you have a choice, you have a responsibility to make yourself the best possible person you can before you die. And there's so many people that are willing to sit back and live a life of that's just who I am, I'm not changing, and they miss out on opportunities and careers and people because they simply chose not to do the heavy work of relearning something that isn't working for their lives. Because men, we know not communicating is killing our families. We know not communicating is showing our boys that this is what manhood is, that not communicating is showing our young girls that this is what manhood is, that not communicating is pushing your wife away because she's trying to figure out what's going on and how she can help. Because you're a team, but you can't communicate and be a good team if there's only one person trying to communicate in that relationship. You have to reteach yourself through books, through conversations, through coaching, through counseling. You have to reteach yourself to make sure you can be the best version of you. The crazy part is most relationship damage doesn't come from big moments. It comes from daily miscommunication, unsolved conflict, and emotional shutdown. Learning healthy communication isn't soft. It's strong. It takes discipline to stay calm, it takes maturity to listen, it takes courage to be honest. So if you want a healthy relationship, you don't need a louder argument. You need better communication. Stop fighting to win. Start communicating to connect. These are the questions that I want you to reflect upon this week. Number one, how do I usually react during conflict? Do I explode? Do I shut down? Do I listen? What emotions do I avoid expressing in conversations? And three, how could I communicate my needs more clearly and calmly? Your call of action for this week, man. Practice one healthy communication habit. Listening without interrupting, expressing feelings calmly, or asking instead of demanding. And see if your week doesn't get a little bit better, doesn't get a little bit easier. And if you heard something on this podcast that resonated with you, share it, like it. Because men need to have these conversations, men need to hear these conversations. So if anyone hasn't told you today that they love you, let me be the first to say I love you. You're awesome, you're amazing, you deserve the best that this world has to offer. Do not give up, do not quit. The world does not get easier, but you get stronger. Y'all have a blessed day. Bye bye.

SPEAKER_01 16:08

Thank you for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. And for daily motivational and up-to-date content, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at Excellence Above Talent. And remember, keep moving forward, never give up, and you are never alone in this battle. We'll see you next time.