What If Being Right Is Why You’re Lonely

We dig into why men get defensive, how that reaction kills connection, and the practical skills that make listening feel safe at home. We share language you can use today to validate without surrendering your point and lead with calm under pressure.

• what defensiveness really protects
• how fear and ego fuel shutdown
• three ways defensiveness harms connection
• non-defensive listening habits that work
• validation phrases that build safety
• practical steps to stay calm in conflict
• reflection prompts to build awareness
• weekly challenge to practice listening

This week practice listening without interrupting or defending
If you heard something on this episode that resonated with you, like it, share it, send it to someone who you feel could benefit from this information
Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode
For daily motivational and up-to-date content, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at ExcellenceAbove Talent
Remember, keep moving forward, never give up, and you are never alone in this battle

Chapters

• 0:00 Series Set-Up And Focus
• 0:51 Why Defensiveness Blocks Understanding
• 2:36 Fear Beneath The Reaction
• 3:16 Three Costs Of Defensiveness
• 5:20 Ego, Growth, And Comfort
• 6:20 What Non-Defensive Listening Looks Like
• 7:36 Validation Without Surrender
• 9:14 Home Dynamics And Walking On Eggshells
• 10:55 Practical Steps To Stay Calm
• 12:05 Strength, Pride, And Real Control
• 13:38 Reflection Prompts And Weekly Challenge

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:00

You're listening to Excellence Above Templet, a podcast where we have the hard conversations about the lives of men and what leads us to achieve greatness and suffer defeat. Hear from other men's journeys as well, as we all learn and grow together to become inspirations to ourselves and those around us. And now your host, Aaron Thomas.

SPEAKER_00: 0:34

What's up, my beautiful people? Aaron Thomas with Excellence Above Talent. We're in episode nine of our of my 24-week series on ways men can become abusive and how we can fix that. And we talked a little about in episode eight about communication and listening. Episode nine is going more into the listening aspect. We're going to be listening without being defensive, hearing what's being said instead of reacting to what's being said. So most men don't struggle with listening. They struggle with feeling like they're being attacked. The moment feedback comes, defenses go up, emotions rise, real communication shuts down. Today we're talking about how to listen without getting defensive and why defensiveness is one of the biggest barriers to growth and a healthy relationship. So let's just be honest. When you're in conflict, in argument with someone, your spouse, your kids, you're not listening as a man. You're waiting. You're waiting for your turn to talk. You're waiting to defend yourself. You're waiting to try to explain away what that other person could be feeling or going through. You're waiting to prove that you are right. But waiting is not listening. Because when you listen, you're listening to understand. And defensiveness is what blocks understanding. She's coming from my manhood. I have to protect it. My job is coming from my manhood. I have to protect it. So you'll never understand what they are saying or trying to say. You'll never understand if they were really coming after your manhood because you didn't wait to try to understand. To understand, you waited to protect yourself. But the question is, why do men get so defensive fast? Defensiveness usually isn't about the issue, it's about the fear. In my last episode, I said, when a man hears feedback, our brain often translates into we're failing, we're not good enough, we messed up again. And when that happens, the body goes into protection mode. And that protection mode looks like arguing, blaming, interrupting, minimizing, shutting down, getting angry. Not because we want conflict as men, but because I feel threatened. And when I feel threatened, I will protect me at all costs. But there are three issues that happen when we as men become defensive. One, it shuts down real conversation. Me and Yanni have had disagreements before. We have had arguments before. And anytime I become defensive, she's out. She's like, alright, well, well, I'm gone. I'm not gonna have that conversation. And understandable, because now she knows there's nothing can be said or done. I'm protecting me at all costs. Two, it invalidates the other person's feelings. So we'll have an argument or a disagreement and I get defensive. Again, she knows there's nothing that can be said or done because I I am protecting me at all costs. And in order to protect me at all costs, you have to lose. And three, it keeps you from growing. If we don't go back to have that conversation, like I feel most couples don't do, then that's just something that will fester down the line and come back up eventually. So as a man, you want to grow. And again, you can't grow being defensive. You cannot learn while you're busy protecting your ego. And I've had a podcast before talking about ego, and your ego is made up by you. No one is making you feel less than. No one is making you feel not enough. No one is making you feel attacked. Except for you and your ego. What you think about yourself and how you think about yourself. Every time you get defensive as a man, you're choosing to be comfortable over growing. Growing sucks in anything that you do. Growing muscles, growing brain cells while you're learning in school, growing to not be defensive. There's always that learning curve of am I smart enough? Can I do it? And you just have to push through it to realize, oh, I can. So what does listening without the f being defensive really mean? It doesn't mean as a man you just say you're a yes man. You say yes for everything. It's you're staying calm, you don't interrupt, you don't explain right away, you don't try to flip the blame, and you focus on what that person is trying to say. It means hearing the emotions behind the word. Again, try to say, I hear what I did, I hear that what I did hurt you. If your wife or kids are coming to you and they're trying to explain something and they feel some type of way, try saying, I hear what I did hurt you. Because that one sentence can completely change the conversation. And don't do it and say it just to say it. Really say it and believe what you're saying. There are two ways people feel when you as a man slow down and try to understand what that person is going through. They're either going to feel validated or they're going to feel like you're just trying to agree with them. And here's something a lot of men misunderstand. Validating someone doesn't mean you're wrong. Just because they have feelings, and it's not the feelings that you have, doesn't mean they're wrong. Their feelings are still valid. That's how they feel. And there's nothing wrong with that. Because you all you're doing when you're validating someone is acknowledging their experience. And you can say things that can help you validate someone's experience is I understand why you're feeling that way. Without saying I was wrong, because validation builds safety. And when you become defensive, it builds distance. I don't want to talk to you because you're not going to hear what I have to say, and you're going to protect you by blaming me for how you feel. And isn't it crazy? Because maybe your spouse or your kids are coming to you to try to express to you how maybe you made them feel or what's going on within their lives. And because we allow ourselves to get defensive, we turn the situation back around and we blame them for what they're feeling and how they're feeling. And we protect us because we're afraid that they're trying to attack us. And that is a sign of a weak man. Because no one told you to get that family, no one told you to marry your wife, no one told you to have kids, but you did, and you are the head of the household. Just think if we went to God as men, and God got defensive about what we were talking about or what we were saying or how we were feeling, and turned the situation back on us, and all we were doing was trying to have some type of understanding. How would that make you feel as a man? Because that's how your wife and your kids feel when they're coming to you, the pillar, the one that's supposed to be holding the household together, and they can't tell you anything, because you're so busy trying to protect your manhood that you try to win in every situation. And in order to win, you discredit, you invalidate, you push back, you blame, you become angry. Who would want to talk to that man? And then you create this atmosphere in your house of everyone's walking on eggshells because they know at some point you're always going to defend yourself. Listening is powerful because it makes someone feel hurt. It makes someone feel hurt. Listening is powerful. When someone feels hurt, anger decreases, tensions are lowered, trust is increased, communication improves. Most people don't want to fight. They just want to be understood. And if you want to build connection in your household as a man, listen. Because you protecting your manhood, becoming defensive over everything, not listening, you're building walls and you're pushing people away. So here's some of the ways that I've I'm learning how to be non-defensive while listening. Keyword is learning, because I can still get defensive. Breathe before I respond. Try to keep my voice calm. I do not interrupt. I repeat what I think I heard before answering the question. And then if there's confusion, you ask clarifying questions. What did you mean by that? Another example is so what I'm hearing is you felt ignored when I didn't respond. Is that right? That response shows that you're being in that you're engaged in the conversation and you're not trying to fight. You're trying to understand. Defensiveness is also is often about pride in your ego. Because you need to feel right. You need to look strong. You need to be in control. You don't want to feel weak. But I'll say this strong men don't protect their pride. Strong men don't protect their ego. They protect their relationships. Weak men protect their pride. Weak men protect their ego. And that's why a lot of weak men don't have good relationships in their lives. It's because they're protecting the wrong thing. The thing that doesn't even matter, the thing that they built within themselves, the thing that society says this is how you should be, and we see society and how jacked up it is, why would we as men want to follow that? I would rather protect my relationships than protect my ego and pride. Be willing as a strong man to hear hard truths and grow. So if you're always offensive, if you if you're prideful, you're always right, you're never wrong, it's always somebody else's fault, always feeling attacked. There's something inside of you that needs healing. Something that you've gone through, lived experience. Because feedback isn't your enemy. Feedback helps you grow. Learning to listen without reacting is one of the most powerful relationship skills a man can develop. And the key word is develop. It takes practice, it takes skills, it takes learning. So next time you're in a conflict, don't focus on proving your point. Focus on understanding where that person is coming from. Because listening builds bridges. Being defensive burns them all. My reflection questions for this week are number one, how do I usually react when someone gives me feedback? Number two, what emotion comes up when I feel criticized? And number three, how can I practice listening calmly this week? And your call to action is this week practice listening without interrupting or defending. And if you heard something on this episode that resonated with you, like it, share it, send it to someone who you feel could benefit from this information. If anyone hasn't told you today that they love you, let me be the first to say I love you. You're awesome. You're amazing. You deserve the best that this world has to offer. Do not quit, do not give up. The world does not get easier, but y'all get stronger. Y'all have a blessed day. Bye-bye.

SPEAKER_01: 13:14

Thank you for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. And for daily motivational and up-to-date content, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at ExcellenceAbove Talent. And remember, keep moving forward, never give up, and you are never alone in this battle. We'll see you next time.