If Sex Needs Pressure, It Isn’t Love

We confront how entitlement, porn, and unspoken expectations corrode trust and safety in sex, and why consent must be enthusiastic, ongoing, and freely given. We own past harm, define coercion clearly, and lay out how healthy sexual leadership sounds and feels.

• unlearning entitlement and harmful scripts about sex
• defining coercion and the subtle ways pressure shows up
• why safety, not pressure, creates real intimacy
• how porn distorts expectations and pushes partners away
• consent as ongoing, enthusiastic, and changeable
• practical language for check-ins and stopping
• breaking cycles for sons and daughters through character

Your call of action this week, as men, is to listen with humility, reflect honestly, and then share this episode with a man who needs to hear it
Share this episode if it made you feel uncomfortable
Share this episode if you know that there are people that are dealing with these things

Transcript

Setting The Stage: Hard Truths

SPEAKER_01 0:00

You're listening to Excellence Above Talent, a podcast where we have the hard conversations about the lives of men and what leads us to achieve greatness and suffer defeat. Hear from other men's journeys as well, as we all learn and grow together to become inspirations to ourselves and those around us. And now your host, Aaron Thomas.

Porn, Cheating, And Avoiding Conversation

Coercion Defined And Owned

Entitlement And Its Hidden Scripts

Safety Over Sex: Why She Withdrew

Healthy Sexual Leadership

Consent Is Ongoing

SPEAKER_00 0:35

What's up, my beautiful people? Aaron Thomas with excellence above talent. Oh, this is going to be a very open and honest podcast about what I thought sex would be like after marriage and my limiting beliefs on what sex was and how I didn't protect my marriage, how I didn't protect my mental from falling into traps and temptations that led me down a path where I hurt someone that I said I was going to protect. And it's something that I am motivated to not have again. Because a lot of times we are we don't question why we do the things we do or where our thought process comes from. And instead of being like adults and trying to communicate the things that are needed and wanted in the relationship, you just go back into what you know. And I tell you a lot of things that I learned from sex, uh sex and relationships. It wasn't from someone that I trusted and someone that was trying to give me the game. I learned it from the world. I learned it from friends. I learned it from, you know, cousins. And, you know, you pick up on certain things and you hear certain things, and that's just what you assume it is. And so one of the things that I know I struggled with in my first marriage was um not allowing her to say no. Because in my head, once you said no, that's fine. But I'm gonna go find it somewhere else. You can tell me no. You can tell me you don't want to do it, uh, and I'm okay with that. But after a couple of days or a week of you telling me no, instead of trying to have a communication or a conversation about, hey, what's going on? What can I do as a husband to, you know, help you in this department, I would just go find somebody else that would want to help me alleviate what I was feeling at that time. A lot of times I would run to porn to get a fix because instead of healing and growing and trying to be a better man, I was burying myself in sex, and I feel like maybe she picked up on that, or you know, maybe it was just too much. And so if she was telling me no, I always had pornography to go to. Like I would always get my fix. It didn't matter. But after a while, pornography got boring, and I wanted to feel the real thing. So then I would start to find a way to either talk to a girl or something would happen to where there would be feelings that would slowly begin to happen, and then boom, it happens. And the sad part was instead of communicating with my ex-wife, I went to porn, and that pushed her away more from my perspective, because then I'm looking to her, expecting her to do the things that these women are doing in these videos. Uh, and that's not something she can do because these videos aren't real. And so I'm not getting a fix now. It's not enough for me just to have sex. I need another person. I need to feel another person or be inside another person. And so it just created this vortex. And sadly, the vortex never stopped until I got divorced. And I started to kind of process the things that pushed my marriage away, the things that broke my marriage, the things that as a man, as a leader, I failed to get a hold of to protect uh my marriage. And I think this conversation is super important because a lot of men make the assumption that they know about sex, and um this is a thing that they've they've learned. And I don't think society has taught men the correct way to approach uh and to want sex or and to need sex, or just to communicate about the sex that they need. And so hopefully this podcast will shine a light because a lot of men make the assumption that sexual abuse is me holding someone down and physically raping someone. But that is not the case. Uh, sexual abuse could be coercion. She's telling you no, you're begging. She finally gives in. Uh, but she didn't want to do it, but you wasn't gonna stop. That's sexual abuse. The begging, the pushing, the pleading, the the trying, and she's pushing your hand away and the trying some more and the trying again and the trying again until she's like, he's not going to stop unless I allow him to. That's sexual abuse. And that's something I didn't look at or think about until later along in my life. And then I realized, man, that's that's not how I want to have sex. It's not how I want to get it. I I want that person to initiate more. I want that person to want it as well, and it not just be me thinking about what I need at that point and at that time, and not caring about what happened prior or what she needs in order to get warmed up or started. So a lot of men think consent is just about saying yes or no. But sexual respect goes far beyond that. Today we're talking about entitlement, pressure, manipulation, and the quiet ways men cross boundaries without even calling it abuse. This episode is about honesty, especially where it's uncomfortable. Most men were never taught sexual respect. We were taught to pursue it, to initiate, to take the lead, to not get rejected, not to look weak, and never to back down. And those messages don't disappear when men get older, they just become normalized. That's why so many men believe. If she didn't stop me, it was fine. If we're together, I'm entitled to it, it's mine. If she changed her mind, that's not my problem. She let me take off her panties, she let me slide it in. Ain't no way she can change her mind now. But she can. If I kept asking and she gave in, that counts, but it doesn't. Consent is not the absence of a no. This needs to be clearly said. Consent is not silent, consent is not giving in. Consent is not pressure, consent is not fear of conflict, consent is not obligation. Consent is enthusiastic, ongoing, and freely given. Anything else is a violation, even if a man never meant harm. And a lot of times we're like, I didn't know, I didn't mean harm, but it's still the facts. You gotta sit in it as a man and be better for your daughters if you have daughters, and for your sons if you have sons, so that they won't come into this world with the same expectations or thought process that you did that cause more damage than than not. Impact matters more than intention. A lot of men cross sexual boundaries without realizing it because they think that as long as I'm not raping or forcing myself on someone, then I'm not sexually abusing someone. But most violations are subtle. They sound like, come on, don't be like that. You owe me. We're already here. You did it before. If you love me, you would. That's not persuasion, that's coercion, that's force. And any force that you imply or any force that you push on a relationship, it kills trust, it kills safety, and it kills intimacy. And then you complain and crying about why your woman doesn't want to be with you. Or she doesn't feel safe around you. She doesn't trust you. And that doesn't help with the intimacy part of it. Uh, but if you get see that as a man, you're just frustrated that you're not getting any and you can't see past your dick and what it wants. Uh you can't see past how you're feeling to see that maybe she's hurting, maybe something was done to her that you haven't addressed yet, that needs to be addressed, that can maybe open her up to wanting to give you more. Uh, but instead of doing that, uh, we have these patterns and and ways where maybe we have someone on the side that, cool, my wife's not giving it to me, I'm going to get it somewhere else. And that's that's kind of have been my something that I've learned over time. Cool, your wife is your wife. And if she don't want to give it to you, that is fine. You can't force her to give it to you. But there are people that want to give it to you, no strings attached. But that's not true because there's all kinds of strings attached to that no string attached relationship. That could potentially kill your relationship in the process. A lot of men have issues with it's mine. The P is mine. This woman is mine, her body is mine. But let's call it straight. Most sexual disrespect comes from entitlement. The belief that access is owned, effort earns sex, commitment guarantees sex, marriage removes boundaries. It doesn't. Nobody own owes you access to their body ever. Not your partner, not your spouse, not someone you've been with before. Respect means honoring boundaries even when you're frustrated, especially when you're frustrated. And this matters because sex without respect doesn't build intimacy. It builds resentment, it builds fear, it builds withdrawal, it builds shame, it builds distance. And there's a lot of women who don't want to stop having sex. They want to stop having sex with the man who makes them feel unsafe. And that's the part men don't hear enough. Your woman don't want you because she doesn't feel safe in your presence. She doesn't want to have sex with you because you have done things to create an unsafe environment. And if you feel unsafe, the last thing you're wanting to do is to open up your legs and give somebody something. Because again, sex without respect doesn't build intimacy. And there's a lot of men out there that have made the excuse as to why they cheated was she didn't give me enough sex. But there's a lot of men out there that never took the time to ask why. Why in the beginning was your woman open and free and giving you everything you asked for, and now there's hesitation, there's fear of if I don't, he could. We have to pay attention to the signs, but I also believe that we also have to have the conversations because they're super important what you need in the marriage, what she needs in the marriage, so that everyone feels safe to when it's time to have sex, there is no pushback. Because healthy sexual leadership sounds like, are you comfortable? Being aware of what's going on and saying we can stop, which uh yeah, I'm just gonna be honest, you have to be very aware. Because when you start as a man, if you're not being selfish, you're aware of what's going on with her. But if you're a selfish man and you're starting, these aren't the questions that you're asking. So in order to have a healthy sexual relationship, it can't be just about you. It has to be about her, it has to be about both. And these are the questions that where you're asking, and it's about both, and not just you trying to get your nut off. I don't want you to feel pressured. Your no matters. We can talk about this. Real confident, real confidence isn't taking, it's creating safety. And I'll tell you, if you can create safety with your woman, your woman is yours. What you ask, what you need, what you want, it's freely giving and it flows. Because if she doesn't feel safe around you, she will find safety in someone else. Potentially. I'm not saying all women do this, but a lot of men make the assumption that my wife would never, or my woman would never go and find it somewhere else. But if she doesn't feel safe with you, and another man comes around and makes her feel safe, buddy, if you don't have a woman with some type of morals or conviction, she ain't yours no more. Because she's going to safety. Consent is ongoing. It's not just one time. Just because someone says yes before doesn't mean it's implied forever. Consent can change day to day, moment to moment, based on emotions, based on safety, based on trust. A mature man checks in, an immature man just assumes. And men avoid this conversation because it challenges their ego. I'm supposed to dominate, I'm supposed to conquer, I'm not supposed to be asking. I think it's Troy. Achilles said, Immortality, it's yours, take it. And a lot of men make the assumption that it's mine and I'm gonna take it without having a conversation because it challenges your ego, it forces you to reflect, it exposes your past behavior, and a lot of times people don't want to be exposed as to the monster that they had been and could be, still, if they're not growing and figuring life out as a man, the conversations aren't being had because it's hard to unlearn entitlement. But avoiding the conversation doesn't make it go away. It just keeps the cycle alive. And as men, you will put on this earth, I believe, to carry that burden of breaking as many cycles as possible for this next generation. So if a man ever prioritize his desires over someone else's comfort, safety, or boundaries, that is not intimacy. It's abuse, it's selfishness. Because sexual respect isn't about rules, it's about character. So if you want real intimacy, you have to create real safety. If you want connection, you have to lead with respect. And if this episode made you uncomfortable, that's probably where the growth is. So the questions for the week are number one, have you ever assumed consent instead of checking in? Two, where did I learn my ideals about sex and entitlement from? Or who did I learn it from? And three, how can I show more respect for boundaries moving forward? Your call of action this week, as men, is to listen with humility, reflect honestly, and then share this episode with a man who needs to hear it. Share this episode if it made you feel uncomfortable. Share this episode if you know that there are people that are dealing with these things. So if anyone hasn't told you today that they love you, let me be the first to say I love you. You're awesome. You deserve the best that this world has to offer. Do not give up, do not quit. The world does not get easier, but you get stronger. Y'all have a blessed week. Bye-bye.

SPEAKER_01 19:11

Thank you for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. And for daily, motivational, and up-to-date content, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at excellenceabove talent. And remember, keep moving forward, never give up, and you are never alone in this battle. We'll see you next time.